I M Perfect lady

As I began my workday yesterday morning, I am in high spirits using all my efforts to stay positive with the large volume of mail, willing myself not to get weighed down by the load.

I am happy to start sorting letters, the tray is filled with colorful envelopes, and a gold one sits in front.

As I pick it up, my eyes focus in on the familiar name, mine, and the handwriting is hers.

My high spirits escape in one breath.

The restraining letter meant nothing to her.

The weight of the mail meant nothing compared to the heavy heart of disappointment.

She did not honor me.

I tossed it into my home slot, and continued on for a minute or two, and then the not knowing was too much of a distraction, so I stopped, opened it up and read.

“Noel” is printed in fancy letters on the front, and inside the card’s message, “Wishing you peace, love and joy this Holiday Season,” and her added line, “With love always, Mom and Gramma.”

It is ironic that what I need for peace, love and joy is for her to honor me, and yet she stomps down upon the restraining letter I sent and sends her usual card.

Her love always is one that disregards my needs, my wishes, and me.

I am not seen at all, as she continues on, her stride unbroken by my restraining letter to her.

My last written words to her, my first in 6 years, was a plea for space, for her to honor and respect our silence…

My last line was, “If you fail to honor our separation as it is, you are deliberately seeking to disrespect and hurt me; I will take it as such.”

Her love comes in with disrespect and hurt.

I felt it as I stood there in a mountain of mail holding a card that yet again doesn’t see me.

Feeling abused on the inside, my feelings tore up, I tossed it back in my slot, and tried to gather myself back together to continue on.

Her failure of honoring my words should not be a surprise, yet I guess I am the ultimate believer.

Believing that one day she will see me, even as sit behind a wall of restraining words, that she will hear them and see me.

See me telling her, you hurt and disrespect me.

My words to her fall upon deaf ears.

It’s like my needs were never written.

Like a bad energizer bunny she keeps going and going and going.

Her blind bullheadedness is abuse.

She is bullying me.

With words of love.

Love that knows no boundaries.

Love that doesn’t hear.

Love of a bully.

A one-sided affair.

Being bullied by words of peace, love and joy.

The juxtaposition, a card of noel, a Christmas song…carrying the tune she has always sung.

Actions of hurt and disrespect signed, “with love always mom.