I M Perfect lady

Category: Current Affairs

  • This is Justice!

    On the front page of the paper is another man 'convicted' of sexual assault, but only received 1 year, with consideration for the 195 days already served…although it was due to the fact he failed to register as a sex offender….so, it is like he is double serving time…and in the end, when his time is up, he has to move to Wisconsin.  

    This is the punishment for sexually abusing a child.  He was able to plea bargain away the other children….and since it wasn't his first time, (failed to register as a sexual predator) it is insane that he will be set free in 6 months.

    How serious are we, as a society, about sexual abuse of children?

    What is the role of court systems and whose side are they truly on?

    What affects do these light sentences have on victims of abuse?

    It appears to minimalize their pain and suffering, almost making it a 'joke' to even report for all the dude will get is a slap on the hand.

    Seeing this through a victims eyes changes how we feel about the adults who are supposedly there to help us.  If this is help, no thank you.

    Somehow the courts in the land have to take serious these offenses against children. I even wonder, is it because it is children that they are so lenient…that there are no big voices in a big body outraged at these light sentences.  

    The joke is on society.  We are allowing these predators to roam freely, repeatedly…and how insane, making them sign a register, like that is a restraint. We are letting them destroy innocence and create more wounded…whose pain will bleed into the world.

    Hurt people hurt people.

    Somehow we have to change the way these guys are dealt with, as well as find resources and places for their victims to go to undo the damage.

    The courts used to be the place to seek revenge or at least justice….this doesn't happen with sexual abuse on kids.  

    These kids now feel like the courts abused them too, by not taking serious, the offenses against them.  Who is standing by these children? What are they doing to undo the damage?  How many children did this one man affect?  And, his punishment or the consequence…."a year in jail"…well half a year, since he already served 195 days.

    So, for half a year he can't abuse children. But, as soon as he gets out, the cycle begins again…oh, but in a new state…this time Wisconsin.

    Isn't the Court Systems looking like the Catholic Church….just pass them on to another congregation or population, get them out of my court.

    Not only is no one really looking at what he did, no one is looking at the children.  It is like society is doing its best to not really see what is going on in reality.

    Perhaps we will have to find solutions to this problem outside of the courts. We will have to empower the children, enlighten the adults. We will have to approach this problem from the angle of the child.

    They can't depend on the adults for help…at least not in the court system.

    At the very least can't we as adults no longer pretend to pretend, this is justice!

  • Changes who you are.

    In the past few years, I have noticed, that people use November as a month of gratitude, and the lists are of typical nice things, good things, easy gratitudes, if you will, to notice, but rare is it something bad with a silver lining.

    It leads me to wonder if this gratitude month exercise would be more beneficial to find something good you learned from something bad.

    Being grateful for kindness seems just too easy…like it isn't a challenge, that it doesn't require you to sweat or change or require courage.

    Being grateful for unkindness and how it changed you, seems to make you go deeper into life…forcing you to see yourself and the world with new eyes.

    The exercise of recognizing the good as good seems so easy, it appears pointless.

    Now, how would it be to pull apart your day and take out the tough spots and work with them until you can see their gifts?  This, I believe would be a much more meaningful lesson in gratitude; to be grateful for everything…not just in the beautiful and loving.

    For it is in the darkness that we truly can see why it arrived, what its message is, and what it is here to tell us about ourselves. In my experiences, the darkness always brought back to me a part of myself that was absent in my life.  

    To me, this kind of gratitude would change the world.

    I am grateful for the courage I have to speak my mind, my feelings, especially when it would be easier to be silent.

    I am grateful for the strength to walk differently; when it would be easier to join the masses.

    I am grateful for being able to stand out and be one with my truths…when I would be more accepted if I did not.

    I would like to start a new trend, and have it be everyday; to be grateful for the hardest parts of our lives…for it would change the inner core of everyone who did this exercise.

    I recognize, that many folks move along their days, not even recognizing the good, but more often than not, it is in the dark times, we truly get lost.  That perhaps if we all knew, it was then the greatest gifts were given, we would stop and search until we became grateful for each moment of darkness…which always comes bringing gifts.

    The darkness is the greatest teacher and if used correctly, can return aspects of yourself that you have given away…or have been stolen with force or power or brainwashing.  

    My toughest times have brought me back to me.

    I am grateful I have been willing to go where most flee from; to sit in the deepest darkest part of me and see its brightness…to see that imperfect is I am Perfect, coming from whence I came.

    When you can see the perfection in the darkness….that gratitude is beyond what the mind can hold.  It is felt in each cell and changes who you are.

     

  • Beautiful Eulogy

    I bumped into a gentleman who I had seen earlier at the funeral…and he wondered who would say his eulogy and then told me had just written a blog based on something he read in the Huffington Post… "Are you living your eulogy or your resume? His blog is…. http://blogs.mtu.edu/more-with-les/

    A great question. 

    What I know, is just having heard a eulogy about a person with a spectacular resume, the resume was not mentioned in the eulogy.  

    And it then occurred to me that you can have a great resume and a great eulogy…when you can bring your full self to your resume; where it is you doing what you love…but that it doesn't exclude family or self expression.

    Life isn't so much about what you are doing, but if you can bring your full self to all that you do.  This is the secret I believe.  The secret that my buddy was able to accomplish.  

    He never wore his resume.  

    Nor, do I believe he lived for his eulogy.

    It appeared that he just was himself…arriving into each new adventure…or greeting each person.  

    He never changed who he was for his resume or to pad his eulogy.  He just lived…as himself. Being curious and trying new things as well as remaining faithful to what he loved.

    I can imagine, but can't know it, is that the bigger the resume, the harder it is to maintain your humble self, and yet he accomplished this with ease.  Or I wonder, the more secure and confident you are with yourself…is it this that allows you to succeed.

    What drew us all to him, was his ability to remain most faithful to himself.

    He was just a regular old Joe, with a great resume and beautiful eulogy. 


  • Bye Buddy

    I listened as he spoke, and I marveled at the gentleman he was speaking of; what a class act…and yet not so classy that he didn't relate to all walks of life. And, he wasn't too perfect, but a guy who knew how to experience life and have fun…yet keeping family in sight. A rare individual.  

    A friend of his for many years spoke as his brother; buddies who have volumes of memories and tough to be the one left to speak…the one part of the whole. And, yet how grateful for all the years and memories!  

    What stands out is who he left behind and the memories they carry. The lives he touched and made better, the mark upon the souls he was in close contact with and even on us who had much less contact….we all got the full impact of this man.

    He was purely himself at all times.  Fully engaged…present and interested in the encounter.

    The last time I saw him, he wasn't himself and yet fully himself.  His spirit was in his eyes.  His body was compromised, but not his Light.  I feel bad, I didn't visit him in the later years.

    I feel that we lost a great soul and yet, I also feel that he is alive in all who he touched and he lives on.  

    He lives in the moments he enjoyed the most.

    Family.

    Buddies.

    And doing things he loved…and loving what he did…with those he loved.

    He never appeared old, and yet was 88.

    I sat and listened to the life review and thought what a success…he lived a life well lived and how his heart  touched so many, no matter the content of our friendships….brief, long-time, family, or like me an old friend of his son.

    It caught me unaware to see his picture on his memorial. To see his beautiful smiling face….to picture him gone, forever.  He treated me kind…warmly always.

    What also struck me was the difference between this beautiful man and my father.

    How little contact I had with him and how he touched my heart…a corner that will never forget him.

    My sympathies to all whose contact was so much more than mine…who will now find ways to carry on without his spirit…or perhaps be inspired to take over where he left off.

    Bye buddy…


  • Away from them.

    In a discussion about the FALC church, and similar others, was…whether it is a cult, cult-like or how it would be defined. I found it remarkable how some will not see the forrest for the trees or maybe how they want to keep sweet or make nice; that which misses the mark 9 out of 10 times.

    It leads me to wonder how much off you can be, before you are really way off the mark? What does it take to change your mind about something?  And is it really the misses that count or the cost it would have for you to see things clearly?

    I wonder about the stubborn mind.

    I wonder about the mind who refuses to account for the negatives OR use the negatives to balance out the positives so you end up in a neutral place…of say cordial kindness…harmlessness.

    I was also challenged with this today, in a comment on the Ex-toots blog. "To simplify people is to abandon critical thinking; it is extremism from the other side of the fence."

    I looked up critical thinking to see what it had to say first, so I knew what was what.

    "Critical thinking is a way of deciding whether a claim is always true, sometimes true, partly true, or false."

    Am I off the mark in seeing things as either true or false?

    Is there really an area in all things that is neither or both?

    What am I missing in this?  

    I don't believe I am simplifying folks, but rather the opposite.  To me simplifying is to not see the darkness.  

    Is it that we want to put the dark side and the light side and make them equal so we are both right?

    In the same comment, I was asked,  "I challenge you to ask yourself: what part of you wants to fault your siblings for accepting your parents as more than their bad acts, as worthy of love? What part of you wants them to be like you?"

    I am not certain about this whole tone of questioning, it almost makes it seem like it is my fault for faulting them. And, that It is my fault in that I don't see them (parents) worthy of love.

    I wonder when they get to be viewed?…and is there a mutual responsiblity in relationships?  

    I believe there is.

    I do not believe, anymore, in the onesided lopsided relationships where one person gives and loves and the other continues to mistreat and behave in abusive manners.

    And, there were a few more questions…."What would you lose by validating their complexity and humanity? Of embracing what you have in common instead of what separates you?"

    I am not certain I would lose by validating their complex humanity.  I would lose more by not validating it.  I do validate it.  I am under no illusion about the mind and its capabilities to distort and control the lives of humanity.

    And, what we have in common isn't so much what I see, but what they fail to see…or see with the same eyes. I see us as equals…coming from whence we all came.

    What always puzzles me is that I am challenged to make nice.

    I am challenged to see the complexity and humanity.

    I am challenged to see them worthy of love…..

    AND, they are not challenged to do the same….or even remotely equal.

    It seems to me these questions are being asked of the wrong person.

    What I have found is that more often than not, people will challenge me and my actions and never give a second glance at the actions of either the church and/or my parents…and siblings.

    The spot light shines upon the one who shines into the darkness…but the darkness doesn't have to explain its roles or behaviors….and certainly no one challenges it.

    Instead of asking me to be a critical thinker, perhaps ask that of yourself.

    I have done years and years of being a critical thinker and have faced truths and falsehoods along the way.  I haven't been extreme on one side or the other…well perhaps I am extremely interested in seeing the truth.

    To me, it just doesn't seem that the critical eye is upon the source of the agnst, but it is fully directed at me.  

    Where is the challenge to the abusers?

    Where is the challenge to the supporters…passive or aggressive…past or present?

    I don't know why I need to explain my side and they don't have to explain theirs.

    If you ask, will they answer?

    Is it easier to ask me…for you don't fear my answers?  Or are you just wanting the spotlight to fall away from them…



  • Try and Make Nice.

    "The Artist committing himself to his calling has volunteered for hell, whether he knows it or not. He will be dining for the duration on a diet of isolation, rejection, self-doubt, despair, ridicule, contempt, and humiliation."  Steven Pressfield

    This is a true statement…in my experience as I attempt to follow what I see is my calling, in speaking up as a victim of sexual abuse…and using my Art Therapy Quilts as a way to raise awareness, to foster courage and allow others who find themselves in opposition with their families due to abuse.

    It truly never was a dream of mine to be a thorn in the side of many or to live unveiled and without secrets, or to experience in life contempt, disdain, rejection isolation from family…whose eventual outcome was estrangement.

     I had never been one to make waves within the family and would have done most anything so as not to be ridiculed or seen with sheer contempt….and yet, now I am literally and consciously doing things that bring out the worst in my family.  I do so, not to anger them, but to do what I feel is my soul's work.

    In order to live what I believe, I will knowingly upset them…more than I already have.

    I even contemplated my own actions or non-actions and wondered just where am I…when my body and intuition or spirit refuses to even behave in a way as one person put it, human.

    And then I swing back to the reasons I am doing this new calling gig that was chosen for me.  Now there is non-human behavior…when a father abuses his child.

     Last night I had asked in desperation, just what is my intentions, am I acting inhumane?  Have I lost it?  What is the landscape and where do I stand? Is this agitator lifestyle my lot in life now?  Am I unable to be kind or nice or social when it comes to my family of origin?  Is this forever?  The new unliked me among them?

    I had dreams last night…two of them.  Both were of adults acting in inappropriate ways, with children present and the adults unconcerned in the least.  As I tried to reason with them, they wouldn't take me serious…

    I awoke with a feeling that it isn't I who is acting unusual…

    I understand that I was dreaming. I also understand, that my dreams are a place where I find answers, when I ask in desperation…showing me clearly by the feelings of the dreams.

    And then this morning continued to read Steven Pressfield's book, "The War of Art".

    "Remember, the part of us that we imagine needs healing is not the part we create from; that part is far deeper and stronger. The part we create from can't be touched by anything our parents did, or society did. That part is unsullied, uncorrupted; soundproof, waterproof, and bulletproot. In fact, the more troubles we've got, the better and richer that part becomes."

    So, IF I am reading this correctly, the more trouble I have in dealing/relating/socializing with my estranged family, the better and richer is my creativity…

    Here is another section I loved….

    "Resistance and Isolation"

    "Friends sometimes ask, "Don't you get lonely sitting by yourself all day?"  At first it seemed odd to hear myself answer No. Then I realized that I was not alone; I was in the book; I was with the characters. I was with my Self."

    "Not only do I not feel alone with my characters; they are more vivid and interesting to me than the people in my real life. If you think about it, the case can't be otherwise. In order for a book (or any project or enterprise) to hold our attention for the length of time it takes to unfold itself, it has to plug into some internal perplexity or passion that is paramount importance to us. That problem becomes the theme of our work, even if we can't at the start understand or articulate it. As the characters arise, each embodies infallibly an aspect of that dilemma, that perplexity.These characters might not be interesting to anyone else but they're absolutely fascinating to us. They are us. Meaner, smarter, sexier versions of ourselves. It's fun to be with them because they're wrestling with the same issues that has its hooks into us. They're our soul mates, our lovers, our best friends. Even the villians. Especially the villians."

    "Even in a book like this, which has no characters, I don't feel alone because I'm imagining the reader, whom I conjure as an aspiring artist much like my own younger, less grizzled self, to whom I hope to impart a little starch and inspiration and prime, a little, with some hard-knocks wisdom and a few tricks of the trade." Steven

    What I love about the Artist that he writes about….I can see this is how I am with the Lady Quilts….and then how I am as I write this blog.  I am isolated, rejected and looked at with contempt from my family….but, there are others like me who I am connected with as they view My Ladies…or read my words and experiences.

    I guess what I know the most, is that my group or like minded folks are no longer my family…I don't resonate with understanding anymore.

    Where I used to be one with them…I am now at odds…and it would insult my calling or soul's voice to try and make nice.

     


  • Where it is wanted.

    Today I was once again, or I was STILL reviewing the two events on Saturday; one a beautiful wedding and the other the collision of estrangement..my family of origin and I…many I hadn't seen face to face in almost 9 years.  

    The two events couldn't be further apart in sentiment and energy and yet they were being played out in real time one on top of the other.

    These two events were mostly being felt by my estranged family and I.  The rest of the guests came only to one party…or so I think.

    I wonder, if all weddings and funerals and other life celebrations have this double gathering?

    On one hand social niceties would be expected…and the other cool detachment of estrangement…some expecting a forced nice.

    I also suspect the same double life exists in many families….where abuse is hidden behind the normal activities of life.  

    Where you are supposed to put aside your differences and party on.

    It seems so inauthentic and a loss of ground or being encroached upon.

    This also feels like my first 46 years of life, whereas you would just ignore and play friendly with folks who you had negative feelings towards.  Put your feelings aside and please people…in order to keep the party or normal life going.

    Perhaps the wedding with estranged guests mirrors exactly a dysfunctional life.

    Where the 'negatives' come to the party, but we all mingle and pretend all is well with thee.

    My post traumtic feelings, or high anxiety and repugnent feelings are to be put back into that same energy field.

    What I also felt helpless about, and I know this has to be true for most children of abuse, IS that I DIDN'T WANT TO BE THE ONE TO RUIN THE WEDDING. 

    Like it was Me who invited them….or me who ignited the hostile feelings…etc.  Me who wouldn't pretend is the party pooper.

    We dont' have to wonder about why it is so tough for a child to stand up against abuse…for it is pretty tough to be the lone ranger and be made to feel it is your fault for the turmoil.  If I would only 'let it go' and 'forgive and move on' we would all be one big happy family. 

    Where there didn't have to be separate parties.

    Where all would feel free to come and go.

    The reason most dysfunctional families continue to flourish, is that very few will stop attending functions or life celebrations…they 'bury the hatchet' and get back in the social graces…and before you know it life returns to 'normal' and the abuse is like it never existed.

    But it did.

    It not only did, but it is continuing on.  Just because you have buried your memories or the feelings and rage, or forgiven it, it doesn't mean it has disappeared.  It will come back.  

    The legacy of abuse is that when you return to family as usual, when things are back as they were before, it means, the little ones are once again in harms way.  You have not taken the steps to eliminate the threat of abuse.

    I know they believe that since my father is dead, abuse has died…that the children are now safe.

    It is not.  

    Our family had abuse coming in from all angles….inside the house, inside the relatives and inside of the neighborhood.  Abuse flourished in our relationship for over 40 years…due to the exact behaviors I see now.

    Abuse knows which families to visit and which ones will be harder to penetrate.

    I see the deck stacked with folks who are so unaware of what evil even is….and who allow anyone near their children…I see my mother in many of them. 

    As they think I am the biggest enemy or the one to keep away from….abuse sneaks in closer, becoming friendly…accepted by the adults. And adults unaware.

    It isn't IF abuse will strike again, but when and from where?

    It is like watching a train wreck about to happen…while the adults are busy being sisters….being family by overlooking the very thing that is feeding upon the little ones.

    And, there is nothing I can do to stop it.

    They keep seeing me as the problem, when I am trying to be the impetus for change….to stop the legacy of abuse.

    Abuse/perpetrators love that they are looking at me as the problem for it leaves no eyes on them.

    My family of origin had abuse coming from all angles, because the level of people my parents were attracted to were of the same kind…if you overlook and excuse abuse, abuse will follow you…and be your friend.  It only stays where it is wanted.

    "The highest treason a crab can commit is to make a leap for the rim of the bucket." Steven Pressfield

     

  • Define as Love.

    My behaviors seem odd, strange and a bit dramatic, IF you can't see the reasons for why I act this way.  

    I can understand the confusion, for I went along with the show for 46 years and then, all of a sudden, I saw or felt or became aware of the insults to my soul…when another little girl spoke of being abused by my father…I saw her…and me….and him.

    What I had once called family and normal, was now the complete opposite.

    I now see, you can't act different, UNLESS you see different.

    What I know for sure, is that they will be upset with me as long as they are okay with her (mother). 

    This somehow makes me feel better.

    Of course they would get angry at me and have expectations of me being a daughter and a sister, when they can't see/feel the actions of abuse.  

    I become the irrational one, the odd acting weird one. 

    What really is unreal, is that all kinds of characters will fit into this group, anyone is welcome who see it as family. And, not a dysfunctional family, but family. Although, this switches from time to time.  

    I was told I am not the only victim of sexual abuse in the family.

    But, I am also told that they are not dyfunctional and they don't like to be labeled as such.  

    It is like a White Family not wanting to be seen as white, really.  

    What I love the most, is that they characters within the family can't not act normal, their dysfunction keeps showing.  And yet, I am the odd one for saying it is so.

    Not only saying it, but backing away from it…and not calling it love, family or kind.

    I became dysfunctional in the family of dysfunction.

    In the family of dysfunction; you have no say.

    You have no needs.

    What you say doesn't matter.

    No one sees you…or your pain. 

    And no matter what someone does to you, you stay.

    The "Family" matters more than the individual and her needs.

    If and when sexual abuse or neglect or verbal abuse arrives, you are to look the other way…tuck it down deep and keep the family alive.

    Pardon the mother's words…for she is mental.

    Excuse the father's actions….for he is sick.

    Overlook a sister's anger…for she doesn't mean it.

    Overlook, pardon and excuse any negative behaviors to keep the family running smooth. Don't notice and nothing is wrong…or notice but don't act upon it.

    "Thank God for all that we have and that we are all here together".…in family.

    You either stay in deaf and blind….or you are out. 

    I still feel better it isn't that they can't see the abuse, but that they can't tolerate my healthy or new response to it.

    I believe they are all aware (subconsciously) of the swirling energies of neglect and awkward movements and are still working hard to make it a family.

    I know how hard this can be.  I did it.  I too worked like hell to shore up the deficiencies my parents had…until I became to exhausted, tired and plum wore out.

    I stopped.

    I stopped trying to make them anything but what they were.

    I didn't dress up by over compensating for their negative actions.

    I let them just be.

    And, the family broke and dysfunction lay littered everywhere.

    I didn't have a speck of energy to pretend to pretend to pretend to be a daughter or sister…in that mess.  

    It wasn't me that started it and it will not be me that ends it.

    All I could do was save myself and undo and redefine what is love and kindness.

    I leave them on the porch, believing that they are family.

    They see me as leaving a family.

    I see me as leaving dysfunction and sexual and physical and verbal abuse.

    We see each other from own perspective…and with what we define as love.


     

  • We are at Peace when we are apart.

    My feelings and body's radar was spot on.  I have had words sent to me that tell me so.  I was also surprised that my mother told two different versions of an encounter with me…both painted her in glowing colors and me not looking so good.  In both stories I spoke to her…unkind words.  My lips never moved.  Interesting and oh so telling.

    It surprised me….and then not.  She has been painting her world to suit her needs and her story and to keep folks believing in her.

    How sad she continues to paint me black.

    And what I have always suspected is they never hear her lies…as well as they never hear my truth.  The thing that has ridden along for many years, "Not being Believed."  

    Her credibility still stands after being married to a pedophile for 49 years….who wouldn't believe her integrity???

    What I guess I am also surprised by is that they expected something different from me; social graces.  I know I failed at this.  I am not there…and not sure I will ever get there. I didn't have it in me to say a word of welcome…for my body didn't feel welcome, it wanted to turn them away.

    I knew it was going to feel bad for me….and now I know it wasn't pleasant for them either….but that is why we don't co-mingle.  

    I don't believe there will be a way to have us in the same space without there being drama or uneasiness, or anxiety… I just can't see how it could be done.  I see it as the truth and denial mixing and they may refute that.

    Which is why I will always stay away from anyone of their family affairs.  I refuse to bring drama to their days.  I give them space and oodles of it…

    I am glad for the messages for they showed me once again, who they are…and why we have kept our mutual distances.  We are at peace when we are apart.

  • My daughter’s heart.

    If there is to be a woman disappointed with the wedding, It is so much better that it be me…than the Bride.

    As two woman enter into this day, I can see the dynamics of Mother and Daughter.

    I see me and her and I see me and my mother.

    I see the differences and the usual power game.

    I see the actions and the non-actions.

    I see me in a very tenuous spot….the choice between my needs and hers.

    This is the very crux and center of how it is to leave behind my childhood and grow into a mom.

    Where it isn't about what I want or need anymore, Or me finally getting my childhood needs met, but rather me NOT wounding my daughter.

    I am in a unique position.  

    I can get bogged down….easily…in my feelings about what is not there between my mother and I. And, even in wanting My wishes to finally be realized. That she finally see me or hear me and acknowledge me. I can easily feel the sorrow and rage at once again being ignored….the dark empty hole that beckons.

    It is like going towards the dark or following the Light.

    I can be the mother I didn't have…instead of engaging with the hole.

    I can mother my daughter in ways that will heal the hole.

    It will not make it right between my mother and I, but it will keep it right between my daughter and I.

    I can now see how or why a mother refuses to follow her daughter's dreams or wishes….It is when hers have not been met. She then is forever left seeking what she didn't have.

    I have given up on finding what is not there to get.  And, in fact I have given to myself what my mother was incapable in giving.  

    I gave myself the ears to hear me.

    I gave myself the eyes to see me.  

    I have acknowledge me…not only my darkest wounds but my brightness too.

    I let go of the dream being seen by my mother.

    I have a new dream.

    My bigger dream or perhaps new dream was to end the legacy of abuse.

    In this dream, I be the mother I didn't have.

    I do the opposite…

    Yet, I do acknowledge and feel the one (mother) who put the hole in me…and I get to move away from her, while attending to my daughter's needs.

     It is a new dance for me to have them both present in one space.  

     And there will be no competition in who I pay attention to.  

    It certainly will not be the one who put such a dark spot on my soul.

    She will be there.  I will feel her presence in a negative way.  

    But the choice will continue to be…what is good for my daughter.

    It isn't about me…my mother daughter dream was shattered a long while back.

     All the steps I have taken have been to re-set the pattern.  To stop the cycle of self absorption…to give what I never got.

    A mother's eyes to see you.

    A mother's ears to hear you.

    A mother…who will do anything for their child.

    Even walk among the estranged….to feel again, in each encounter, what isn't there…while also feeling the love in those who see me.

    I am so grateful I can see the road in both directions and what the consequences would be…depending upon who I try to please.

    One would unravel the dream of ending the cycle of abuse…the other will plant more beautiful consequences of love. 

    I can see that If I were to please me I would put a hole in my daughters heart.