I M Perfect lady

Category: Current Affairs

  • Walk of Grace.

    I am not sure it matters, what level of mental illness we have, how devasting it is or how life encompassing or whether we can function in the 'normal' world or not…the bottom line is we are invisible to most.

    Hidden.

    Not spoken of.

    Put aside from family's normal routines…cast out by ignorance and ignoring.

    As I spoke to the Women's Group at The Clubhouse…I recounted how and when I felt deep to my cells, that my family saw me as mental.  Not just sorta nuts, but down right, out of my mind.  

    My mental illness or breakdown has not been treated by my family with loving kindness…but rather they have stayed far far away.

    I could be living in a facility that is miles from their home…without visitors. For as much interaction I have gotten.  Well, my mother has sent notes…mostly to get over it and rejoin the family.  Casting aside my illness as if it wasn't there.

    I didn't fully appreciate my isolation and its cause.

    It is broader than the sexual abuse and wider than leaving the religion and being shunned…it is the stigma of mental illness.

    I have to look up the word stigma.

    "a mark of disgrace associated with a particular circumstance, quality, or person."

    I am shocked to know this.  I couldn't have articulated what I thought stigma was, but I surely didn't know that I was stigma.  I was/am the disgrace of my family.

    I am a disgrace for having been abused.  

    For its effects on my life.  

    I am the disgrace.

    If I am getting this right, mental illness is often seen as a disgrace for it marks the family…a smear, a black spot…soiled.  

    For some odd reason, I was blaming society for the stigma of the mentally challenged and NOT the families.  And yet society is MADE UP of Families.

    The stigma perhaps starts in each individual family, but those members then make up the community…

    It is no wonder, to me at least, that the treatment of us often is a reflection of the family….relegated to privacy, hidden…labeled confidential.

    I know that there is a tipping point as to whether something is confidential or shameful.

    To me…I feel that we are made to feel shameful or that our illness is something to hide, that our break in our mind is not to be shown about town.  It is a disgrace.

    What other parts of illnesses are made to feel this way?

    How in the hell did mental illness become a disgrace?  Even a stigma on society?

    And, further more how can we change the treatment into something that it is…a courageous act of admitting that we are not thinking clearly, that we are not one with reality…and the journey to right oneself. It needs to be seen as a heroes journey.

    Yet these heroes who are admitting they are wrong about reality are delegated to the sidelines of society; hidden in plain view by our lack of honoring them.

    How was I so blind to see as I traveled alone to my events. To not have seen the absence of my family. To stand alone with my Art Therapy Quilts…the journey in fabric…a gauge on my mental well being, that no one of my family was there. None.

    How did I miss this?

    I didn't know I was stigma.

    I am a disgrace to my family. I am the cast out.

    What is the saying…"How you treat the weakest amoung us…"

    What even makes me angry is that they are blaming me for walking way.  Blaming me for having a mental break down, blaming me for losing my mind about the sexual abuse by my father.  I am the disgrace….NOT him.

    The family rallies to stay together, to pull in tight, leaving the mental disgrace to deal on her own. 

    There certainly is a stigma about mental illness and that stigma is me.

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    My Lady and I are trying to shatter the stigma of abuse, to show the courage it takes to break down and start again.

    We need to lose the stigma…it isn't a mark of disgrace but a walk of grace.

     

  • My denial disintegrated.

    What I am learning is that it is rare to be a responsible individual, that there are much more apathetic bystanders than those willing to engage.

    Even to engage in the possibilities or to have a discussion. To begin to begin to plan for actions. That there are more who excuse and reason themselves into doing nothing.

    Doing nothing appears safer and more kind.

    Entering into the problem is rare…and saying the 'difficult' things almost extinct…especially within family….or with relatives.  

    Somehow we have kindness pegged as standing by and not doing the responsible thing.

    Is it truly more kind to let an abusive person abuse?

    Or one with dementia drive beyond the point of clarity?

    To me, it appears that we have this all backwards and until we begin to have the tough talks and make the rough decisions things will not change.

    I also wondered, is experiencing trauma or when something really awful happens, is that the only time we change. That it is harder to change before the big explosion…that when it is but a tiny flame, there is no point in stirring things up. Better to respond after the bomb has exploded.

    What a strange phenomena this is.

    Where the Universe is whispering in our ears that something isn't right, but until it (Universe) delivers a life changing blow, do we hear.

    Perhaps until the after shock of the explosion reaches your life, will your mind be able to see what was there all along…and all the places where the Universe tried to get your attention.

    It appears that there are so many slow learners who feel it is kinder and more loving to overlook and look around the evidence and signs…in hopes that reality IS wrong.

    The human capacity for denial continues to astound me…or perhaps the willingness to have their worlds upended.

    This is where I believe the real truth lies. Our willingness to not see, comes from the fact we don't want to have our lives change.

    Somehow we will do anything and not see what needs to be done, so we can keep our lives as we want it.

    What we don't want is for our whole infrastructure to collapse.

    I am beyond awe at the abilitiy to hold together that which has already fallen apart.

    Many think they are holding on to a whole complete loving family, when it is already in ruins…

    You and your mind just haven't accepted it as such.  Your refusal to change your mind when reality changes is the landscape that breeds apathy.

    Which allows you to do nothing.  

    And in turn, allows the abusers or the ones who are unhealthy continue along as if they are okay.  

    You make them okay, just so your world will not upend.

    Many will argue with the ending of the world for the person in trouble, when in actuality it is their world that they don't want to change. It is very personal and self-centered.  And, has little or nothing to do with the other person.

    My experience in facing the reality of my father, was that it tipped my whole world upside down.  The affect was felt much more in my world than in his.  Certainly there were ripple affects, but the biggest earth quake was in my own life.

    I was left with a gigantic mess…where everything was turned over and reality shone bright…my denial disintegrated. 

     

  • Waiting for the problem to take care of itself!

    What I marvel at is the audacity of the human mind to deny reality and excuse it away…how educated people become irrational when reality walks in. I don't truly know what is behind this phenomena, but its maddening to witness.

    In a discussion, where evidence in the decline of an elderly's ability to drive, the evidence was set aside…as easy as if this selection of reality wasn't needed.

    Instead of sitting with the evidence, other selective pieces of his life was entertained, trying to water down reality…to make the evidence appear less evident.

    My suggestions, that the fact that we are even having the conversation about his capabilities to drive…is a clue "something isn't right".

    What was fought for was his rights.

    What wasn't fought for were the bystanders. The ones who don't know he is compromised behind the wheel.

    The Universe is giving them some lead time here, some grace moments…where he hasn't injured anyone, but the clock is running faster now…reality will become bolder….and louder.  Will they hear?

    What it seems to me, is that they don't want to be responsible for him driving, but they are unwilling to be responsible for him NOT DRIVING.  For being the one to take away his rights.  

    When do we become responsible for others?

    When do you intervene in someone else's world?

    It seems to me, when someone acts irrational, we the rational have to step in.

    What stops us from entering into another's life?  

    Some how we have this all backwards, that it is 'bad' to intervene and take away the rights…but, what if his right to drive is the path that leads to injuring or killing someone, wouldn't it be more beneficial to stop the train wreck BEFORE it happens?

    How does knowingly doing nothing to prevent injury seem like a better choice?  Or to say, "There are worse drivers out there…".

    The lack of taking control and being responsible or jumping into the lives that are out of control amaze me.

    To debate the evidence down so that you are not having to do anything….to state all the reasons why this is hard or difficult, isn't a good enough reason.

    Why is it that the harder the choices is and the higher the cost, the less likely is it that people move?  

    I simply don't get it.

    Supposedly, the end result was that they would begin the conversation…and that the best case, is that he would willingly hand over the keys.  Really?  A man with dementia is going to become rational.  

    I see the bystanders lose their own rationality…slip out of reality…so it is as if the cloud of dementia settles over them all.

    It is entertaining to watch and very maddening to witness…for I keep waiting for a rational mind, a responsible action and someone who dares to step into reality.

    The ones who can see it, are to afraid, intimidated to do anything…and the ones who would are not asked or it isn't their place.  

    It appears they are waiting for a good time, an opening, a easy road…but don't we all.

    Waiting for the problem to take care of itself!

     

     

     

     

  • Sunrise of My Life

    "I was forced to live far beyond my years when just a child, now I have reversed the order and I intend to remain young indefinitely."  Mary Pickford

    It is my Happy Birthday for the 55th time!  I am in awe of my life at times, and at others, quite ignorant of it. Most times I am focused on where I am and what I am doing, that I forget to step back and see…the totality of it all.  

    The most incredible learning is to love.

    Love me.

    Love my children.

    Love life.

    Love others.

    And, to know when to step away.

    Perhaps it is the discernment that was lost or taken from me as a child; I feel I now have the controls back.

    Maybe this is what being a grownup is; the ability to discern what you love and what you do not.

    Looking back at my 55 years, the thing I am most proud of is the feelings of love.

    Perhaps due to the fact I was raised in a dysfunctional home, where the definition of love was all backwards, that I am now able to know love.

    To come from not love and to now know the difference.

    Not only know it, but feel it alive inside of me.

    Where my chest cavity, core and bloodstream feel the warmth. Where I can love without conditions.  

    And secondly, to know abuse.  

    To know not kindness.

    To know manipulation and/or self-absorption and recognize its fingerprints.  To understand it isn't me that ignites this; but that its within them.

    I have been able to undo the damage of abuse, within me.

    I have been able to embrace my darkness with just a small spark of light, that has grown and grown.  

    I am not a sappy kind of love person, but one that allows.

    I allow me to be me.

    I allow you to be you.

    I allow myself the choice to move towards or away from people.

    All that I allow for me, I give to you.

    I love me at 55…it feels like the Sunrise of My Life! IMG_1397..

     

  • Pattens of Freedom

     

    "Birthdays are new beginnings, but they're also moments of personal closure, which are crucial if we are to grow positively into our authenticity."  Sarah Ban Breathnach

    It is the Eve of my 55th Birthday and as Emily Dickinson said, "We turn, not older with years, but newer every day."  

    I see the new pattern of me becoming more and more distinguished and where my Art and Life resemble each other…the newer me continues to expand.

    The new me continues to arrive, even when her arrival isn't welcome or celebrated, she arrives!  I arrive…as this Me.

    Most have no idea, the cost of changing drastically who you are…in order to live authentic and how there are those who will not celebrate or honor the changes.  And, how it feels to knowingly disappoint and cause anger and fear to arise, as I walk in…differently than what they want and need.

    To remain true to yourself in the face of all who dismiss that self.

    This year has shown me the strength of the new me, the contents and feelings that are so far removed from the shell of me that I was.

    The 55 year old me is so much more inside than the 46 year old me.

    Our insides and beliefs are worlds apart.

    One seems so dark and hollow.

    The other so full and light.

    It isn't the outward appearance that has changed, but inside where the most work has been done.

    The mind has had a complete overhaul and my feelings are dancing and alive.

    I see the old me with a frozen mind, set in its ways…and my feelings locked up and silent.

    How harsh she was…and how hard it was to pretend to pretend it wasn't so. To play, if you will at being alive, but not free to be.

    Maybe it was to pretend to be free while completely under the mind control of a cult like religion and in the clasps of an dysfunctional family.  

    Where you are told what to do and how and are dismissed if you didn't adhere to their needs.

    I celebrate this year as a year where I can clearly see the new me and her patterns of freedom!  

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  • Health to the Mind.

    A short article was written about my quilts in a newsletter for Northern Lights Clubhouse.  Some of their members came to my "Meet the Artist" event at Copper Country Mental Health in September.  

    The article read, 

    "On September 18th Clubhouse went to Copper Country Mental Health to see the quilt presentation by Beth Jukuri, called "My Lady and I…my journey in fabric." In all there were 22 quilts. Ms. Jukuri said each quilt represented a step in her journey of her recovery. Beth was a member of a very strict religion and was sexually abused as a child.  Beth's quilts show her journey from being lost to finding herself again. As the lady in the quilts grows in stature, color and movement, so does Beth's sense of self. Beth's quilts were brought to CCMH by the efforts of the agency's Trama Informed Recovery Team. These colorful works of art sure brighten up the walls at the Clinic. Everyone who visits, enjoys seeing them.  Her story gives people who are recovering hope."

    And, here is what a few members had to say.

    "Some of the quilts were whimsical, colorful and a lot of different patterns of fabric.  I liked how Beth described her feelings about each quilt."

    "The quilts were beautiful and I liked the way she described each quilt. I wanted to talk to Beth, but she was very busy with people that came in before us."

    "All of the quilts were beautiful and I am glad I was able to see the display."

    "We would both like to see more presentations from other people about their recovery. It was so nice that Beth shared her quilts and her experiences with everyone."  Northern Lights, newsletter.

    What struck me are few things; that it was actually me, my quilts and my journey, and that we are so at home in these helping agencies, that these are my people…this is where I come from.

    I think we all would like to think, we have perfect mental health, have always had perfect mental health, and that no matter what happens, IT DOESN'T AFFECT, our perfect mental health.

    Each incident and experience will give our mental health something.  It will cause our psyche's to be engaged…how is the question and for how long and is there a way we can interject before it becomes a part of us; like a phantom self?

    It was this phantom self that lived my life for 46 years…eclipsing my soul and self that I was born to be.

    When I see the quilts, and me, and a journey of recovery, I am astounded and caught off guard almost.  That this isn't just Art, it isn't me laboriously droning on and on about a past that can't be changed, but rather it is literally a visual gauge of my mental mind…in how it saw me.

    It is more about righting my mental health…or taking my life back from my phantom self.

    To see and hear others recognize my recovery means something.

    Perhaps validating how lost I was.

    That maybe is more crucial compared to where I am today.

    The distance from lost to found is a journey of a million sorrows and magnificent finds!

    Swinging from the tragic truths and into the brilliant self realizations.

    Not only was the phantom self destroyed but so too was the phantom family and love and caring parents; a phantom life.

    Recovery to me is to recover the truth.

    I had to look up the word recover, again.

    "Return to normal state of health, mind or strength." 

    "Find or regain possession of something stolen or lost."

    Both definitions fit.

    Recovery is to find the self that was stolen or lost and the state of mind.

    You may think that the first step to recovery is to find love, peace and joy; but instead it seems you find all that isn't.  All the aspects of your life where a phantom is taking the place of real.

    Where you are unable to be real.

    To be yourself.

    To say what you feel.

    To just be.

    What I think drives us into a mental distress or fractured mind, is when the family refuses to be with the truth, where they want to not see it…where it is set aside and life then is overcompensated to hide it.  Where you are not able to be your real abused self…but instead have to be a 'good' girl and not tell, not show how it affected you, not rip the family apart, but hold it together, no matter what.

    It is my humble belief that much of the mental diseases comes from being estranged from the truth.

    That we are sacrificing the minds and spirits in order to often keep the 'perfect' family, 'perfect' loving parents.  

    If only I could impress upon you, how damaging it is to the mental health not being able to live in the truth of what is; the cost to "forgive the faults and failures" and just act normal now.

    What my mother fails to appreciate is the cost of living with her mental illness.

    How it wasn't that she embrace her own sexual abuse and her abusive husband, but rather embraced everything but.  

    She wanted us to live in her phantom world, and we did and do.  

    But, the truth is the only thing, in my experience that recovers health to the mind.

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  • Standing By

    I loved this video by Mike Dilbeck "Empowering Bystanders"

     

    It is my belief, that we can all become more aware of the times and places we Stand By. 

    Stand by and feel like he said, the urge to do something, but then change our minds.  Feel the urge to speak up, but then go silent.  To speak out about our feelings and what is true for us.

    I also love how he says, the more we stand by, the smaller we get.

    What I have found is that I have grown bigger by being a non-bystander.

    And, what I didn't know, and it seems more insane, is that the more people that are standing by, the less likely it is for someone to stand up….to get involved. Isn't that just odd…and yet not.  

    Who wants to stand out like the odd duck?

    Who wants to risk appearing foolish or different?

    And really who wants to take the chance and do so publicly?

    What I didn't know is that Bystander is common in all humans and it isn't just in the strict religions that I have seen it in.  I was seeing it as part of the cult like culture, when it is more a human phenomena. 

    It is and isn't about standing out in a group of everyone being the same, as in religions where their are sins to make us all do and act the same.

    I also believe that it my calling if you will, to inspire bystanders to become empowered, to STOP just standing by.

    I also love, how he says, that most of the behaviors he speaks about, Bullying, sexual assualt etc, do not happen in a vacuum.  I know this to be true.  It is seen and the bystanders do nothing.  It is much more a lack of movement on the bystanders part than it is on the part of the perpetrators…that create the landscape for abuse to run unstopped.  

    Who is going to stop them???

    This video clarifies the much broader and more personal issue in the plight of children being sexually abused; the bystander mentality or hurdle within each of us.

    He says, that first of all you have to recognize there is a problem, and then be willing to act…to transcend the barrier of standing by. To take effective, appropriate and safe actions.

    This, is what I am calling you all to do.

    To become empowered and willing to end your era of standing by.

    I now know that there is a human phenomena going on, that we are aware of the problems, have heard the rumors, have felt the ucky creepy feelings or fear of someone, BUT we are frozen in the STANDBY position.

    What will it take to change your position to Non-Standby?

    What will make you move?

    What will it take to make you break the silence?

    Somehow, I feel more optimistic, knowing it is a human behavior and not just the climate of the church, for I believe we are on the cusp of human revolution towards a more conscious human being.

    And, if that is so, the new human being of higher consciousness, will be able to transcend the barriers of fear…into the new level of response ability.

    We will be able to respond to abuse…instead of standing by.

     

  • What are we saying…

    In Sarah Ban Breathnach's book "Simple Abundance" she talked about the annual Christmas Letter…letters some of us write and most of us recieve.  How it does seem like we get the edited version of their lives, like they airbrushed out the difficulties of the year.  

    I wonder what an unedited version would read like?  How much more 'normal' we would all feel if the realities of life were laced with the joys?  It seems that we want this perfect picture to go along with the perfect letter…to send to our family and friends; so not to show our imperfections.

    She talks about writing letters of our own, about our self discoveries or lessons learned.  I would love to recieve letters that depicted a real life journey of one year…instead of only the high points.  It seems to me, we get to know more about folks as they share their struggles and how they climbed out of the lows…than we do about their shining moments.

    As I look back on my year, I wonder what my greatest lessons were, how they were delivered and what I learned?

    It is funny, in a peculiar way, how we celebrate the birth of Jesus, by sending out an edited version of our lives.  And, some have gotten away from a message at all, but send intsead a picture…

    An older woman handed me a stack of Christmas Cards….and she said, "I write personal letters in each one.  It is like having a conversation…"  

    If our Christmas Cards are a conversation with our family and friends, what are we saying?

     

  • Leader for Change…

    A Marine that was sexually assaulted, said that she wasn't speaking as a victim or a survivor, but as a Leader for Change…I love how she sees herself as an instrument for change.  Using her life experiences to help others, to make changes so others don't have to experience the awful way she was treated…not so much about the abusers – for that is a given, but from her commanding officers and how their response was felt as abuse, again and again.

    I too want to be a leader for change in the way families deal with victims and the way victims themselves deal with families.  

    We need to teach others how to have healthier responses so as not to harm victims further.  And to hold responsible adults who know and do nothing to the perpetrators…while demeaning and disbelieving the victims.

    The only way we can start turning around and lowering the numbers of children being abused, is to be a leader of changing how we deal with abuse.

    Instead of passively feeling as a survivor….I love the role "Leader for Change" inspires within me.  It leaves me hopeful and inspired and to use my experiences to shed light upon a broken system…and ways towards healing and living that changes the patterns of abuse.

    To be a leader of change, you have to be willing to lead the change in your own life.…to make different choices and to walk different, talk different, be different…everything changes; when you are leader for change.

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    I love these two ladies, attached by a chain….we can't know who is changing who?

  • What Part are you Playing?

    As I sat with the injustice of the justice system, it came to me that our solutions will not be with the same systems that are now creating the problems; but something totally different.

    Changing a broken system with the same tools that created it, Is insane….so the answers will be far from what we have previously thought were the answers.

    First of all, the court systems can't be the healing places….for they were built for justice.  

    And, I don't believe that Justice is healing for the victims…in fact, the purpose of our court systems is to remove harmful people from access to society; and they are failing where sexual abuse towards children are concerned…at least in our area.

    The focus of society and family needs to be on the victims. 

    What do the victims need to heal from their encounter with sexual abuse?

    What will restore their sense of safety and rightness with the world?

    What kinds of groups and services are available for children and adult children of abuse?  What works and what is not helpful?  

    Perhaps each story of a sexual predator escaping justice for what he actually did, needs to be followed with what kinds of help there is for his victims. What services will help towards recovery.

    It seems to me that we naively believe that by getting the perpetrator off the streets our world will right itself, when there are actually two very separate pathways.

    The journey of healing isn't co-dependent upon the long prison sentence…all it does is end the reign of abuse for this one man.  The journey of healing and breaking the cycle begins when family and society pay attention to the victims and what they need.

    Sadly, what the victim needs is for our attention to be on them…and society and the justice system gives more rights and leeway towards the perpetrator.

    All the maneuvering that happens between the lawyers on both sides to reduce and eliminate each charge is detrimental to the spirits of the victims.

    It is to reduce sexual abuse to a sorta bad touch….but, not the devastating event that it actually is.

    Also families carry a huge burden in the responsibility in how the child heals.  For the majority of abuse cases happen within families or with close friends….how then do the adults in the family respond to sexual abuse aligations and or court appearances and the knowledge of abuse?  Does life go on as usual?  Are new boundaries set?

    Each of us carry the same burden as do our court systems.

    My father was released back into society…by the Justice System.

    My father was released back to being a father by his family.

    In that, they did not estrange themselves from him…for they could not flip the tile that said "father" into "Pedophile" and treat him as such.  It isn't easy; but it is what is needed. 

    The family system that allowed sexual abuse to happen, has to be destroyed in order for healing to begin.  

    When we say we are against abuse, when it happens within our family, we have to be against the family structure that was in place when abuse happened.  All avenues and beliefs and structures have to be examined.

    As I see the Justice system failing the perpetrators, I also see the family units failing the victims, time and time again.  Mostly what I see are victims having to leave the family unit in order to heal; for the family unit is broken and useless in guiding them towards healthy boundaries.

    It's brokenness is that abuse is within the family.

    Members are sexually abusing members…and there is silence and shame.

    How can you keep the family together, when it is broken, and believe that you are against abuse?  When abuse doesn't shatter the family structure, it is the clearest sign that it is built upon abuse…it is the 'normal' ingredient in your family.

    Each of us has to look openly and honestly as to how do we support negative treatment within our lives and homes.  This isn't just the responsibility of the Justice System, this is the responsibility of each of us…we all play a part of stopping it or letting it go free into the life of another child.

    What part are you playing?