Category: Current Affairs

Deep inside me, away from my awareness, lay an expectation of my innocence being acknowledge by the Justice System.

In that dark space hummed doubt until I watched and listened to Judge Aquilina kindly listen, with great respect and attention, to the Gymnasts who came forth. And, the part that really opened up space inside of me; was her response.

Kindness.

Compassion.

Empowered belief – that these victims leave their pain there in the court room, and to out and live a magnificent life. 

And, the most important being, that the monster they seen and experienced, was indeed someone that couldn't be in society – free.

When girl upon girl stepped forth and shared her story, she remained open to their pain, letting it come into the courtroom and surround the abuser.

What a great privilege for these girls.

How healing to know, that you are believed by the kind and thoughtful responses Judge Aquilina delivered. 

I can't know how general society sees her; but from the eyes and gut of a past victim of abuse, she is what we all hoped for – deeply.

What you didn't hear from her, is "when you call him a monster, it hurts me." My mother's response.

She didn't ask the girls to forgive and forget him.  

She didn't doubt the perceptions the girls had.

My list could go on and on about what not to say.

I can't imagine being fully welcomed with open wounds.

I learned early on in my father's case, that the justice system had huge flaws.

Flaws that have gone on for years.

Laws and rules and plea bargains, and innocent until proven guilty etc.

And, perhaps in her court room they still go on.

But, I have never experienced her response from folks that I had expected this response from.

Mostly I had been disappointed over and over.

And, the disappointment was that the system was created for the perpetrators and that the victims had very little power.

Again, in her court room, this still could be the case, but for that one day, in this one case, she was able to open her courtroom and let the victims be heard.

Her ears were gentle and, without doubt or recriminations.

Her eyes clearly saw the injustice these girls suffered in the hands of this man and all who enabled him.

And, to me, an outsider miles away and detached from this case, I was set free.

The littlest seed of doubt was erased.

Here she was, a Judge in the Land.  A woman empowered to sentence a pedophile. And, she was talking so kindly to these young women, seeing their power and in some cases handing them their power back. 

She was able to give back to them what the pedophile had taken away.

She gave them their voice and held their truth with them unflinching.

What I know to be true for me, is that my biggest hurdle has been that most have come to the defense of my father…in one shade or another.

I am not talking about the supporters that arrive later in the game; but the way family responded, church and friends.  How those within the circle rallied for the circle.

I do know, at least that Rachael Denhollander was ostracized for her speaking out, it had to be the top of the mountain she had been climbing, to step in front of Judge Aquilina.

What Rachael and Judge Aquilina have shown me, is that it is possible to hope for the highest point.

Even if the University and USA Gymnastics and the Olympics don't get properly sentenced, others now know what they protect.

This case is a pivotal moment in my life.

And, I know that I would have walked differently after the trial of my father, had I been able to share my story with Judge Aquilina.

She has set in place where the justice system needs to start leaning towards. 

The scales of justice needs to find a better balance. 

She makes it possible for courtrooms to be a place where victims will feel empowered when they leave that space.

In my father's case, well he was set free.

And, I as a victim felt zero empowerment by the justice system.  I felt that they too, had become another person who knew and did nothing.

Hope feels my heart, and I love the spacious feelings I have inside.

I too can go out and live my magnificent life.

Thank you Judge Aquilina!

 

 

In the past few days, a whole new view or understanding has occurred to me. It was helped along by this article online.

http://jimmyhinton.org/why-sexual-abuse-goes-unnoticed/

I guess, I really shouldn't say new; but I can see it differently. Or, I can step back and see the overarching dance of pedophiles, a child and the onlooking adults.

It is like there are two completely different realities going on at one time. Depending upon which mind you are looking at it from.

I am not even sure I can articulate the two existing realities in a way you can clearly understand, how sexual abuse appears to be unseen; like a magic act.

Where a father is a dad and a monster at once.

Where a church is a place of God and a cover up for the devil.

Where a child (adult child) who sees both is seen as mental.

Early on, very early on, when we discovered my father was a pedophile; when the veil was dropped, I told family they would have to pick one version of my father and stick with it, otherwise you would go nuts.

I talked about there being two different views.

A father and a monster.

And, my mother's last conversation with me, suggested that we each had two different perceptions of my father.

I am going back and look at perception's definition.

"the ability to see, hear, or become aware of something through the senses."

That is amazing.

What is your ability to see, hear and become aware? 

How many magicians are in your circle AND are you aware of them?

How many realities are going on that you are not aware of?

What I also know, is that the ability to not see depends upon the beliefs you have or your needs.

I didn't know that the degrees of perception depends upon your ability to see, hear, and become aware, of something with your senses.  

How in tune are you with your senses?

Your reality is only as strong as your senses.

What was so exciting and terrifying to me, was that this article articulates how abuse goes unseen.

That just because I can see, and others can't, that it doesn't mean it is not going on.

The sick magic show continues; with both sides in on the act. 

And the victims being messed up, due to no clarity of truth being lived out.

My father lived two lives.

But, so did my mother.

Caught between both of their pretend worlds, there was no place to be real.

The experiences I lived, what my mind knew, I wasn't allowed to live.

In order to survive, I had to pretend to pretend to pretend I was okay.

Pretending.

Here is what it means.

"speak and act so as to make it appear that something is the case when in fact it is not."

Yes, my life was built upon pretend. 

And, when I stopped pretending, I was no longer able to be part of my family.

The result of living a life of pretend for 46 years, was when the bubble broke, I am no longer able to pretend.  

In fact I seek to be with reality.

Always.

My lack of pretending, is seen as unkind, unloving, even abusive.

I know the cost of pretending. Many little girls followed me; while we all pretended to be a family.

Who truly needs you to pretend?

To me, the only ones who need you to pretend are the ones pretending a reality that has no ground of truth.

Truth needs nothing.

Truth stands alone.

What is so tragic to me, is that so many children are abused and unseen because of the unreal realities that others need to be held up.

Wounded children are overseen for a heaven someday, a marriage, a husband, a dream.

In the latest sexual abuse case with Gymnastics, the University needed its reputation. The USA Gymnastics and Olympics, their wins and gold rings. They all overlooked and looked around the accusations of the 'good' doctor.  They all pretended to pretend it wasn't so.

The women (girls) truths were not allowed in.

The truth would 'wreck' their pretend worlds.

Powerful pretend worlds up against the young girls.

I LOVE that they have banded together, to break down the pretend worlds and to show the world who they are and just what happened.

Breaking their silence ends the pretend worlds within those organizations.

It is brilliantly tragic to see this played out on a large stage.

Empowered women who stand by their truths are changing lives; bringing reality overflowing with truths that are so hard to see, hear and become aware of.

They are igniting their ability to be with their senses; no long denying their body, truths and experiences.  

They are exposing how abuse works. 

Larry Nassar didn't act alone.  He had a stage full of supporting actors. They are teaching us all- if we choose to learn.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Another great tsunami of hope arises with the women who have come forth, speaking of their abuse- there is power in numbers.

I am posting this video, so I have it achieved.

 

The letter is from one girl.

And, the courtroom allowed them all.  

I believe, their numbers were over 150.

Imagine.

This brings hope.

Speaking up matters.

This case contains elements that make it big – it has Institutions that had impeccable reputations and, are now vulnerable to criminal behaviors – professional who wasn't professional…and vulnerable girls left vulnerable.

It shows that what we see and believe IS NOT always so.

We now have to change our minds and beliefs about these institutions.

Larry Nassar did not act alone.

The institutions he worked for and under, are accomplices for their lack of rules and discernment.  They allowed him to be alone with young girls.

Certainly, many will ONLY want to blame him. To let the Olympic Gymnastic Teams and University keep their unscarred reputations. That he and he alone is the monster.

What I know, from experience, is there is a climate that allows predators to flourish.

He was in the perfect environment to have unlimited access to vulnerable little girls whose dreams were tied up with him.

This case should broaden our focus when it comes to sexual predators, to look at the environments where they seem to live, work and commit crimes.

Who is allowing this?

Whose rules leave huge gaps for him to enter; unrestricted.

And, I love the strength in numbers.

While I have spoken up publicly, I needed more children to be open and seen – Adult Children to come forth.

This case also brings to mind, my father's case.

I had called the Prosecuting Attorney to ask if I could assist his case and was told I was too old. That my case didn't matter or would have an impact on the present (2004) case.

What I love about this courtroom and judge IS that she ALLOWED all victims voices to be heard. She brought them all together and gave them the opportunity to be heard.

What power!

How healing for them all to be given the platform and the respect to have their voices mean something!

They certainly now will not feel alone – and perhaps can work on healing together.

Thank you Judge Aquilina! Thank you!

 

While this whole case saddened me for all the young girls whose lives were changed, due to this man's criminal behaviors; it also has given me much hope.

Hope that the tides are turning, and that women's strength will overcome fear!

That we can make changes, and that institutions can be challenged, and our voices can win.

Our reputations will be returned to innocence, and the Institutions and predators and their accomplices will now carry the burden of abuse.

This case shows the depth of fear and aloneness of abuse and the powerlessness and then, how it can change dramatically when the silence breaks.

It shows the scars and the triumphs.

They renew my energy and my knowingness that our voices matter.

And, again that no matter what the reputation of family and institution or man, they are not too big to fall…and be felled.

This trial also shows the magnitude of one man's inability to claim his crimes.

And, even the institutions ability to stand with the victims wholeheartedly from the stance of humanity.  They will when it appears that society 'needs' them to.

It has affirmed my experiences with the First Apostolic Church, its members and my family.

What I needed was a 150 voices echoing my experience.

A judge and prosecutor that wanted to hear ALL victims.

I think, now looking back, that my case being too old, made it appear that I mattered less.

And, I brought that inside, as a fact.

When a courtroom allows all victims to be heard, each of our experiences then matter.

This case has the power and ripple affect to impact many and bring forth much change.

What I love the most, is that after being heard, these young women will feel so empowered, that their voices matter, that their pain was witnessed, and their innocence proclaimed.

They can then embrace and love their wounded little girl, mother her into a strong loving woman. It takes time, and to be surrounded by people who truly love you.

I applaud the women of this case.

Women rising into their empowerment!