I M Perfect lady

Category: Current Affairs

  • Before it was discovered.

    I listened to a podcast yesterday, that calmed me down, and had me thinking of this virus in new ways.  I will continue to use Hand Sanitizer and Clorox wipes and will still be social distancing, etc.  This isn't about lessing what I am doing; but it eased my mind in an odd way.

    Here is the podcast that I listened with Sanjay Gupta and Dax Shepard.

    https://armchairexpert.simplecast.com/episodes/sanjay-gupta-on-covid-19

     

    When I heard them discussing the possibility of there being folks who had the virus, prior to knowing there was a virus, I felt it was me.

    I had a weird cold, as far as colds go, in the beginning of March.  It was unlike any cold I had ever had.    

    My symptoms were a very dry throat, like way down the windpipe dry – can't swallow dry, coughing, wheezing with a tight chest, and I could not taste and I was very fatigued. I chalked it up to having to work while sick.  I pushed through tiredly.

     

    So, here is the deal, just because we were unaware of it, does it mean it wasn't here?

    If we had symptoms, but didn't have a name, could it have been the virus – prior to it being discovered?

    How can we know, or does it matter if we know or not.  Does the virus care if we know? Or does the virus silently move about as viruses do?

     

    What I am more at peace with, is feeling that I now have context for it.  The fear has lessened, due to knowledge.  And, if I am right – experience.

     

    I am also hopeful that the folks I know who also felt they had symptoms, but no name, that we are not the only ones. That there are more of us out there, who have had it, but didn't know.

    The groups of us, will do what they talked about on the podcast, we can be the Herd. The ones to flatten and drop the numbers; because we can't be re-infected so soon.  Or, so it appears.

     

    They don't know the history of this virus, we all are writing it right now.

     

    I hope this will bring hope and more calm and peace as it brought me. 

    I think we need to talk about the virus before it had a name.  

    Oh, and the elderly or those whose health was compromised, who may have died with what we thought was just pneumonia – could have been from the virus.  We can't know how long this virus has been around.  We didn't start testing and still don't test everyone.

    We may be further along in this process that we thought.  

     

    And, I will repeat, that I will not change the way I am being. I will still wipe with Clorox, and use my hand sanitizer.  I will still act like I am infected.  Even while I believe, sadly it was a few weeks back.  I was asymptomatic but contagious and did not know it.  

    I can't even know how I was infected, or the chain that brought it to me….or the chain that I began and where it went.

    I was spreading a virus, before I even knew it existed.

    Which is why if more stay home, the chains will be broken, before they even start.

     

    Perhaps our fear will be lessened by the more we know.  

    The more we talk about the possibilities of our "odd colds" whose symptoms matches those of this virus.

    It is a respiratory attacking virus.

    Different than the normal cold.

     

    I wanted to share this, and then part of me wonders if I will be criticized for doing so. For it is speculation on my part. Even if, I feel I am right, I can't prove it.

    I feel more knowledge is best, more discussions, more curiosity and wonder, will lead to more awareness and hopefully understanding, why we all need to curtail our interactions with others.

    I didn't want to keep this to myself and my family.  I want this to be part of the virus discussion – where was the virus before it was discovered?

     

    IMG_7314

     

     

  • Lesson from the Virus.

    My feelings over the past few weeks have run the gamut; and sometimes all in one day or even in an hour.

    Mostly my anxiety has markers of PTSD and my struggle in wanting to control others. These feelings feel like time travelers of walking through my abuse.  Trying to get others to see/feel/understand the severity of doing nothing; and its cost.

    And, me failing.

    Then, letting go of it all – them all.

    It is not in my hands to steer this pandemic.

    This is a great relief.

    In my control is to put space between me and those who make me anxious.

     

    Just as in any human crisis, there are many components, and each of us can only be responsible what is in our sphere of influence.

     

    My world, as with most of us, got really small.  There is a peace in that too.  The outside world seems to have darkened or, has gone out of focus. 

    The future is way fuzzy.

    There is way too much that is unknown.

    And, while we believe that we are in a different place, it is really like any other time in life.

    We only think we know what the future holds.

    We don't.

    Perhaps this virus will allow all of us to get comfortable with uncertainty.

    To sit with the unknown, and be way okay.

     

    Just as I let go of other's and their behavior, I also let go of who will be affected by this Virus and who will not.   It really isn't up to me.  

     

    This still means I will do my level best to distance myself from others. To wash, wipe and repeat.  Many times a day. To be aware of what my hands touch.

    However, I also am even more aware of the energy in my home.

    I don't want panic to dominate.

    I do not want these weeks to pass as if we are all holding our breaths.

    Instead, I want this time to be looked upon fondly, as we had time to….

    Relax more.

    Play longer.

    Do more art.

    Enjoy nature.

    It is up to each of us, to feel the breath of our worlds.

     

    Tonight my granddaughter and I spent an hour outside. We saw geese and swans flying overhead and ducks and geese in the water. And, we heard their honks and wings flapping. We felt the mud/dirt beneath our feet, felt the wind and sun on our faces. We breathed in beautiful fresh air.  

    We talked and planned for her mom's birthday. We will create a simple celebration.

     

    The Virus is serious and it is in our present; but we can also keep new routines to make this time pass as normally as possible.  And, to not waste what we have now.  The future isn't promised to any of us.  Let us live, truly live right now.

    There is still much freedom to be had each day.

     

    It is also amazing how quickly I have not thought about going further than work.  How accustomed I have already become in the small routine of this new normal.

    I believe the sooner we do this, the quicker it will pass. 

    If we put off living, until – the virus will take from us; prior to actually taking from us.

     

    Part of my PTSD or being traumatized and recovering, is not tolerating anxiety and stress and the idea and thoughts that twist my mind about wanting others to behave differently.

    I learn, even if it takes me a few weeks, to let go.

    To circle back to my own life in a self loving way.

     

    Leaving others free to live their lives.

    There is a difference inside of me – I feel peace letting the Universe flow and me not trying to bend it into submission in my mind.

     

    The old phrase, "Live like you are dying" came to mind.

    I will enjoy many beautiful moments that I can – even in the middle of a crisis – or perhaps especially in the middle of one.

    IMG_7363

    Which is what I want to take as my lesson from the Virus.

     

  • Words of Our Friends!

    This has been a weird week for me.  I am trying to assimilate into a new normal, as we all are.  

    I am trying to be comfortable outside of my home delivering mail, and yet feel I am walking among virus germs – and being careless.  

    My goal is to not bring the virus home, and it seems like an impossible task.

    My hands are busy all day long.

    Touching, touching and touching. 

     

    My fingerprints are never wiped clean – for long.  

    Usually, after the first half an hour or so on the route I relax.  I would go crazy otherwise.

    I settle into a story with Audible.

     

    I can't imagine the health care workers or anyone in close contact with the public. It has to be even more precarious and nerve-wracking.   

    There is the pull between doing your job and being responsible and then being irresponsible for doing your job.

     

    And, the services that many are providing need to be done by humans.  And, if not I, than who?  Who would I want to put in harms way?  

     

    I want us all to make it through without tragedy. I want us all to do our best to keep others safe.  And, I want to try and understand those who travel; but it is harder for me to.  All I see are virus germs coming to our community – and more germs to try and avoid.  

     

    The less that are out there moving about, the easier we make for those who have to be outside of their homes.

     

    It seems surreal, and then very real.

    I feel the normal we all were used to, will be no more. We can never go back to before. We will all be changed in ways that we can't know today.  We don't know who will be with us when it is safe to once again be free to move and gather.

    We didn't realize how nice we had it, moving freely without risk.

    It is true, you don't know what you have, until it is gone.

     

    I guess I want others to know, that those of us who have to be out, really really appreciate those who stay home.  Those who limit their outings to just emergency ones.  It really reduces our chances of bringing home the virus.

    I can't see my future; for there is way too much unknown, and lots to get through before we are there.  

    Plans are put on shelves.

    We have no timeline that is concrete enough to plan on.

    We are fluid.

    Present

    And grateful for what we have today.

    Or, our health today and those we love.

     

    What I think, when my mind slips off to the worst case scenario is, I want this day to be full. No point in bring a disaster before the disaster (if it is to come).  

    I need to be cautious.

    I need to be aware.

    Not only of the virus, but of things being okay today.

    We have today.

    The doom of the virus looms around our lives, and we have to concentrate and practice finding a pleasant normal, in this new normal.

    Find a routine and relax our hold on what used to be.  It is gone for now. We can find new ways of living with reduced movement.

    A friends blog suggested keeping in touch in other ways.

    https://dawnkinster.com/2020/03/19/the-written-word/?fbclid=IwAR1vwtxCCsRW_JQ63U-XClmyJVzlug3bewzfl-8B-Fa7D5N3Xe3Ub7Oej5U

    Sending cards and letters would be awesome.  

    If I have to be out there, I would love to be the carrier of your cards!

    Let us help each other through this in the safest most healthy way possible. 

     

    Stay home and let the art of letter writing make a comeback.

    Then our mailboxes will hold the words of our friends!

    IMG_7215

  • Solved a Problem

    It was so weird to see empty shelves in the grocery store and fairly crowded isles.  

    People stockpiling their cupboards for the unknown that is to come.

    And, I will admit, I too added a few extra items, to fatten up our shelves. But mostly it was my weekly shopping trip.  

     

    The over shopping was fueled by the run on toilet paper.  

     

    We are all envisioning the empty shelves increasing, and it seems there are other items that are going the way of toilet paper.

     

    I have not experienced this panic before.

    Part of me wants to prepare,

    and the other part wants to be the calm in the storm.

    To be reasonable with the unknown.

     

    We haven't lived through a pandemic, or even extreme shortages, and we haven't been asked to survive with minimal resources.

     

    I have been listening to many different podcasts on the topic of the virus, and what we can expect and/or do.

     

    The one I loved today was with Tim Ferris and Jack Kornfield "How to Find Peace Admist  COVID 19".

     

    So, we are being asked to be less social, to spend more time alone and at home.  There are many things we can do during this time that will impact our lives in a positive way.

     

    We can see it as being on retreat.  On doing things at a slower more relaxed pace.  Using this time as spare time.  Time to do things we typically have no time to do.  

    We can meditate, write, do art, and enjoy time with ourselves and those we live with.  Taking a break from social commitments and life that often flows at speeds that make us breathless.  Use this as a relaxing resting time. We now have a real reason to be alone.

     

    This may also be the time to practice letting go of control and focusing on the present moment and what we have, and how we are today.  

    Acknowledging the fear; but not giving it too much attention. 

    Rather focus on what this extra time and space is offering us.

     

    What I mostly do not want to do is be part of the panic and rush, that is emptying out the shelves to hoard items at random.

     

    This is asking each of us, do you want to be part of the panic or the calm in the storm?

    What can we do that is reasonable, and even helpful.  Who can we help and how?

    I would rather find alternative ways to replace toilet paper, than be that person who has cases – in case.

     

    We need to think outside of the box, to explore and expand the way we see things. 
    Most of us could live for weeks on what we have in our cupboards, me included. But, we may have to get inventive on what we eat and how much.

     

    I am one of the few, who would love to be told to stay home for a few weeks.  There are projects upon projects I could work on and quilts and art and things I could explore.

    We seem to panic when others panic, instead of going against the grain. 

    Let's all try and tackle this virus with calm and reason.  And, to know there are many different ways in which we can move through this challenge.  We can either be part of the problem or part of the solution.

    We can restrain the impulse to join the panic and lean towards reasonable.

     

    This whole toilet paper deal feels like a visual example of what a panic thought does. It focuses on the wrong thing, and acts in ways that don't make sense, to the reality of what is truly going on.

    The one panic thought, leads to another and it follows folks who are acting unreasonable.

    Having an excess of toilet paper will not protect you from the virus.

     

    Mostly, what we need to focus on, is what will protect us from panic.

    Being in the present and maybe even believing we will be okay; that we will know what to do when the time comes.  Trying to guess or know what is unknowable, is where the anxiety lies.

    Instead believe in you and your ability to adapt to what it will require of you.

    Calm is knowing you will be okay, no matter what.  

    Panic has never solved a problem.

     

    (I had to look up panic "sudden uncontrollable fear or anxiety, often causing wildly unthinking behavior." Hence the run on toilet paper.)

     

    IMG_1407

  • March Forth!

    A friend of mine sent this to me this morning.

    "Today is March 4th. A day to collect our strength and boldly march forth. A day, not to forget our struggles but to accept them regardless of how they have affected us. A day to march forth. To march with compassion, understanding and determination, no matter what the past has been, March 4th!"

     

    I may have heard about March Fourth before, but I love the reminder.

    I love the image marching brings up for me, a parade.

    A colorful, magical, badass, marching parade.

     

    A parade of humanity accepting the unacceptable; knowing they don't have a choice.

    It is the route their lives have taken them down.

     

    I am so grateful that I have so many badass friends.  People who have gone through unbelievable pain and suffering, and despite it all, are living lives of integrity, courage, adventure.  Continuing to live lives of great substance!

    I can see the parade of Marching Fourth people.  We are a force to be reckoned with.

    We are fearless, for we know we can survive the unsurvivable.

    And, we need the artistry and color to bolster up our souls.

    Colorful, bright daring individuals are in my parade!

    Marching forth, not only on the 4th of March; but each day and often many times a day.

    March out into the world doing that which needs to be done.

     

    March forth with your whole self. Carrying with us and held tenderly our broken hearts and our wounded souls.  Lavishly decorating them with what brings us love, peace and joy.

     

    Thanks friend for sharing this with me.  I love the parade I am in.  I march forth with you all!  We don't have to march a straight line, or be brave all the time, we just have to keep going forward; together.  We are stronger in a parade!  March forth!

     

    IMG_4423

  • This is a security camera image of the truck

     

    Truck and Driver have been found.

     

    Thanks everyone for sharing this post!

     

    This is a security camera image of the truck that hit me. It was taken by the camera at Karvakko's store. Today, I may be able to see the whole video. The owner said she thought it looked like the truck was going about 40 to 45 miles an hour. Just what I had thought as well.  And, you can see the truck continued on up North Lake Road.  She also said, the truck didn't slow down for the intersection.

     

     

    IMG_8409

    According to the debris on the road, this is exactly where it should have been based on this picture.

    It is a single cab truck, which should make it easier to find.  Most trucks now a day, have backseats.  It will be missing a headlight and blinker on the drivers side, and maybe a bit of my bright green paint.

     

    There were ladies out for coffee in the Feedmill Diner, and they heard the crash, but didn't see the truck.  

     

    The driver may be in trouble, if they couldn't afford to stop at the scene of an accident. Perhaps it will be their wake up call.  And, next time the damage may be much more significant than a mail jeep.

    However, in my little world, the mail jeep is quite significant.  They don't make right hand drive vehicles in the US anymore. We can get them, but you pay an extra $10,000 over what a new jeep costs. I would love to have this little jeep until I retire.

    Thank you everyone for your kind words and concerns.

    If you recognize this truck, Houghton County Sheriff's office is the one who took my report – 906-482-0050.

     

     

     

  • Hit and Abandoned

    I was halfway through my route, when a Bright Blue Ford Pickup Truck blew a stop sign and hit the back of my jeep, swinging me sideways, almost hitting vehicles parked at the Feedmill Cafe.

    I caught the bright blue flash, as it barreled towards me, and before I could finish the thought, I was struck hard!

    When I stopped I looked around for the truck, and it was nowhere to be seen.

    This was a hit and run.

    I am okay.

    But, sadly the jeep is not.  It runs down the road, but it is wounded.

    IMG_6569

    I felt so violated by that truck.

    Who strikes a vehicle and keeps on going, never looking back to see if I was okay.

    The debris from both our vehicles littered the intersection.

    I called the police.

    I wanted there to be a report.

    The officer, wasn't very helpful.

    I hadn't moved the strewn pieces until he arrived.  Once he surveyed the scene – I went to pick up the pieces.  I found a piece that didn't belong to me, it was from a Ford. Which is why I know it was a Ford Truck.  Part of his headlight and blinker.

    My husband came and changed my tire and looked over the jeep to see if it was okay to continue on the route – it was.

    Needless to say, my day had a punch to it.

    The main thing is I wasn't hurt – just a bit sore from the jarring whip, but okay.

    And, the jeep is drivable until it gets into the body shop.

     

    My license plate lay crumpled in the snowbank. Looking like I felt – hit and abandoned. 

    IMG_6571

     

  • Reality that isn’t Talked About

    Secrets– "something that is kept or meant to be kept unknown or unseen by others."

    "something that is not properly understood; a mystery."

     

    I believe I have always thought, that secrets were known. That we had to know a secret to be quiet about it. It was an agreement to keep something unknown and hidden; but that we all knew what it was.

    Is it possible to be party to keeping a secret just by the fact we don't probe and question?

    Nor did I know, the things that were mystifying were also secrets.

     

    It wasn't until my granddaughter asked me about my mother, did I realize profoundly, how secrets are propagated.

    The spreading happens, when silence or half truths or complete lies are told, creating a reality that doesn't really exist.

    Most in my family of origin would say, that there are no secrets, that we all now know that our father was a pedophile.

    But, what I believe most will not do, is share this history with the next generation. 

     

    And, what would prompt it?

    If, their relationships have remained unchanged, if life has more or less gone on the same from the time of my father's trial, what is there to question?

     

    There was nowhere in my childhood/young adulthood, where sexual abuse was discussed. Nowhere were generations before me telling me about the cycle and history of sexual abuse.

    No one was talking about what happened, and what would have been a better tactic to prevent future abuse.

    And, even more importantly, who was abusing, who had been abused etc, and how to keep this generation and the next safe. What was healing and wholesome and healthy after experiencing abuse.

    Nothing.

    The silences were profound in the absence of talking.

     

    There were women I looked up to in our family.

    Yet, these same women were silent.

    Secret keepers.

    Protectors of a reality that would have been good to know.

    Or, more the gatekeepers of a reality that didn't exist.

     

    Growing up among the secret keepers, there is an unwritten rule about what is okay to question and what is not.

    Which brings me to my last conversation with my mother. I went to see her upon her request.

    One of the first things she said was that her religion was not to be discussed and that more or less we were not going to discuss my father.

    These were her sacred cows, the places she was unwilling to explore and know more about.  Is it a coincident that the abuser, and her tools to forgive him were not to be explore or questioned.

    Didn't that make her the queen of secret keepers, at least in regards to my father.

     

    I wonder now how she truly sees me.

     

    Instead of looking at the secrets, she looked at me.

     

    In Rachael Denhollander's book "How Much is a Little Girl Worth", she writes about the willingness to stand against abuse, equals the willingness to give up say your religion or spouse, or school or organization, in which it lies.

    My mother's inability to give up her ideas of her husband and religion, disallowed her to explore any avenue of sexual abuse.

    Perhaps what hurt the most, is the reality of who she actually was.

    In the words of Rachael, how much is a little girl worth, or more many little girls.

    In fact, it is often said, it takes hundreds of little children to make someone change their minds about a person and/or religion/organization.

     

    Maybe the biggest secret there was, was who my parents truly were. They gave off an image that contrasted the reality of what truly lay beneath.

    Which is why, I am so adamant about walking the talk.

     

    The echoes of the "How is that working for you" remark my brother threw at me, lands so differently than how he sees it. 

    Living in unison and harmony with reality allows for everything.

    Nothing is off limits.

     

    Are secrets a non-reality maker?

    A pretend starter.

    Let's pretend that this didn't happen and return to 'normal'.

    In my mother's world, the forgiveness of sins worked remarkably well, it allowed her to have the reality she wanted. No sexual abuse stuck to it. It was quickly removed and sent to the sea of grace, where it wasn't to be mentioned again.

    The forgiveness of sins, is a way that you remove from your reality, the truth of what is.

    Secrets are just reality that isn't talked about.

     

    IMG_2742

  • The Faithful

    As another church scandal hits the news, another almost 300 priests are named in sexual abuse cases in Texas, how can this religion, NOT be smeared?

    How can its validity still stand strong?

    Seriously, I am asking how its content can still be a container of hope, love etc?

    How can good people stay?

    Or maybe, what will it take for you to go?

    I sincerely can't understand how you can keep the faith separated from the sexual abuse that is so prevalent within it.

     

    I had a conversation with a woman from another church, (not catholic) who was abused say 50 years ago, and she was telling me about how it has gotten so much worse.  

    And, I asked her, "how can you stay in a church knowing that so much abuse is going on?" And, she said, it isn't the church.

    I asked her to tell me how she can hold them both, but in two separated containers.

    How can you have this undying faith and belief in a system that YOU KNOW has not stepped in and stopped abuse.

    She herself knows that the leaders have been abusers. And, yet she has faith in it.

    Faith in what?

    How can the system whose leaders abuse, still be something to be faithful to?

    How can you separate it into two cans, the abuse and the faith?

    Seriously asking?

    I truly do not get it.

    I am mind blown when talking with folks who still remain so fervently faithful AFTER knowing about the abuse inside their faith.

    How can catholics hold the system, the faith, separated from the abuse.

    How can it NOT touch the faith, when the leaders are doing the abusing?

    And, the old adage, we are all sinners, is not an answer.

    Just as someone told me, no sin is too big to forgive, when talking about my father sexually abusing little girls.

    Seriously.

    IF that is what your faith teaches, do you not see it as a problem or perhaps a benefit to those abusing inside of your faith?

    What I am losing faith for, or hope in, is the non- abusing to leave.

    When will it be enough?

    How many children will it take to make you seriously look upon the faith you are holding dear?

    And further more, how can that same faith not hold the trauma of all the children that have suffered in the name of God, in the hope of you going to heaven one day.

    I just don't get it.

    It makes sense to me that pedophiles abuse children, that is what they do.

    What doesn't make sense is good hearted women (and men) staying. 

    I just don't get it.

    Certainly the God you believe in, would want you to at some point take a stand.

    At some point walk away from systems who repeatedly abuse and cover up, who continue to make a new victim over and over again.

    How can you not be mixed in the mixture of abuse, coverup and knowing?

    You are playing a part in the whole culture of sexual abuse.

     

    In each abuse scandal that happens, the very large and focal ones we all see, the similar refrain that weaves itself through, is how many knew.

    How many knew and did not report.

    Or, how many knew and forgave them.

    The victims stand, abused again, when they discover that good people knew and did nothing.

    Meaning, they did not exit the church.

    They did not give names to the police.

    They did not show some sign of being anguished by the fact that abuse was going on.

    If only, the good hearted would leave.

    If they would lead the way out of the abuse.

    If they would show the victims, that their lives mattered enough to go.

    I sat across from the woman whose whole life was led by the church she believes in, whose whole life she tried to be as good as she can be, whose whole life was littered by the acts of forgiveness, her intentions, faithful.

    And, yet. 

    She wasn't able to take a stand.

    Against what is soiling her religion.

    Instead, she remains faithful.

    Obedient.

    Compliant.

    Steadfast.

    A member of a church that continues to not make it their business to look into matters of abuse.

    Now tell me what is she a member of?

    She doesn't see her forgiveness as being an instrument that keeps the pedophiles washed white as snow.

    She doesn't see her ability to hold their sins in one container and the ideal of the faith in another.

    Isn't that like holding on to  the highest potential, even when there is little evidence to hold it.

    Like loving what some one could be, not what some one is.

    What is the real picture of these churches?

    What is the real content?

    While you are holding on to the picture of wholeness, of good, of hope, of love, you are not seeing the abused children.

    Perhaps these are not your children, not in your circle, not this or not that, but the fact remains, the system you have faith in, which guides your life, IS also a smoothly operating system that systematically has for decades and decades, kept in the dark the facts they have known.

    Sexual abuse is prevalent inside.

    It isn't like the leaders are shocked.

    They have helped keep the darkness, by covering up the abuse.

    And, I can't but help see you as co-conspirators, for you too know and do not leave.

     

    In all my years of trying to figure out the landscape of abuse, the part that stumbles me the most, is those who are unable to move.

    Unable to change their minds.

    Unable to see that there is only one container.

    One reality.

     

    I find that the most faithful, the most diehard believers are the most frustrating.

    Their believing minds will not accept another thought that contradicts what they were taught to believe.

    As the quote says, "A mind convinced against its will is of the same opinion still."

    There is a mind blockage that keeps them from moving differently than they have all these years.

    Something inside of them refuses to give up on their religion, refuses to see that IF it can knowingly coverup sexual abuse against children, IT has very little value.

    How can it maintain value after decades of coverup?

    How?

    So, in the wake of another headline, what will leave me most confounded, is the lack of movement from the faithful.

     

    IMG_4389

     

     

     

     

  • Circle of Abuse

    "Rape culture is a sociological concept for a setting in which rape is pervasive and normalized due to societal attitudes about gender and sexuality."

     

    What many fail to recognize is how their own upbringing is a contributing factor in how they perceive victims.  And, worse how they view rapists.

    How they have been taught to look at the woman.

    What was she wearing, what was she doing, what was her state of mind, is she promiscuous, etc.

    The women are the first to go on trial in a rape case.

    And, sadly even children victims are doubted in child sexual assault cases.

    So many folks are unaware of their own direction of questioning in how it creates the landscape making it easy for rapist to move around, appearing 'normal' – rape culture. 

    If you can muddy up and messy up the woman's character, you can make her appear worse than the rapist.  

    You can make her appear mental, slutty, and discount the concepts of repressed memories, or trauma induced amnesia.  You can focus on her drunkenness and dress and make it appear that any man would be UNABLE to resist rape.

    Really?

    Part of the rape culture, is believing that men have no control over their own bodies, that women control their sexual urges.

    Period.

    That there are no men with common sense, and real character and morals and values. Men who find no pleasure in overpowering or even having relations with a woman who is unconscious, drunk etc.

    There are many facets to how each of us contribute to the culture of rape, by how we respond.

    In what direction do our thoughts and feelings flow.

    My experience in talking about sexual abuse, is that it is quite rare for an abuser to admit it and very rare for the abuser to go unsupported.

    For him to be cast out of the circle of his influence.

    Instead, he has many making excuses, forgiving and forgetting, and rebuilding his character up around his crime.

    Or, simply many who will not end their relationship with him, being a good friend, good son and daughter or a forgiving wife etc. 

    It is rare that anyone holds him accountable.

    The focus is misdirected to the victim and they will show evidence in how she carries the blame. Victim blaming is distorting the crime.

    As a victim, I can see the culture more clearly based upon my own experience. Based upon who stood up for whom and how I was treated.

    What is also hard to find is the piece of ground for commonality.

    There truly are two sides. One victim blaming and shaming and the other holding the abuser/rapist accountable.

    Can there be even a tiny place where we can all agree?

    Perhaps that a crime was done.

    But, until and unless you place the blame where the blame lies, you will not see a criminal.

    You will see a friend, a cousin, a brother, a dad, a husband or wife. 

    My other thought is, is it kinder to overlook and look around the flaws in someone's character that is capable of raping women?  

    Is it kinder and more conducive to a family to overlook and forgive abuse?

    Why is there a rape culture?

    How did it ever make sense to support the man, no matter what?

    Why was it easier to throw the woman under the bus, in order to keep the system going?

    Here is another thought.

    What is the cost of recognizing that your friend, father, or brother or husband IS a rapist.

    What will it mean in to your world. To fully bring it in.

    To drop all manner of pretense and just sit with the reality of his actions?

    How much of what you have built up in life will now have to be re-examined.

    How much of you would have to change to bring this in?

    How many relationships would you lose if you supported victims?

    What so many fail to realize is that each latest victim, just doesn't appear to be the one to support, perhaps next time. Perhaps she will be of great value, more valuable than the friendship or relationship or Faith.

    Will there really ever be a time where the victim's life will mean more than yours?

    Ever?

    What I came to learn, was that until I was able to see and empathize with a victim, I too was unable to grant the rapist his true responsibility.

    I didn't see me first as a victim.

    I instead saw a child.

    Then, I saw myself as a child.

    And, then I saw victims.

    And, with more horror, the Rape Culture.

    Of the many who unwittingly are playing into the hands of rapists everywhere.

    If this blog, could open one eye to see what they are doing, it would be worth it all.

    My crying appeal, once I saw was " I See too Much".

    Yet, reality and I were one.

    I no longer will pretend to pretend to pretend.  

    For it isn't kinder.

    It is to be part of the rape culture.  

    Part of the criminal circle of abuse.

     

    Here is the link, that restarted the conversation about Ben Johnson – Convicted Rapist- registered sex offender.

    https://www.cincinnati.com/story/news/crime/crime-and-courts/2018/12/20/cincinnati-cyclones-player-parole-sexually-assaulting-teen/2378474002/