Category: Current Affairs

In life there are people whose path we cross, that are bright spots.  Whose energy, humor, respect, and friendship add joy to your life.

We didn't see each other often, but when we did, it was always a fun connection.

We met through my speaking out, and Art.

I entered into his space, the helping community.

Unsure, nervous and yet bold.

I had words to say and art to share.

He listened, understood, admired and reached out.

We collaborated, and my Story Line quilts were hung up at Copper Country Mental Health; and still hang there today, about 4 years later.

He got me and my art.

And, I felt seen and heard by him.

He came to most of my speaking events.

He was there when others were not.

It was always so comforting to see his smiling face in the audience.

His kind approval mattered.

He would say he had the honor of being my biggest fan.

It was a mutual club, for I was his too.

We connected over family that were distant to each of us.

He just got it, for it was his experience too.

Our common ground, and mutual love and respect was a comfort for each of us.

I really cannot believe he's gone.

How can this be possible?

When I think of a kind gentle loving funny soul, I think of him.

I am forever grateful to have shared moments on our journeys together.

I don't know where you go when your body passes.

But, wherever you are, I hope you have all the love you gave.

Know that you made a difference in my life.

You gave me courage and friendship when I needed them both.

You helped me grow, by seeing a bigger potential than I saw within.

I loved your utter confidence in being simply you.

A you that was you, always.

I will miss you Joseph Freed.

My forever friend.

My buddy.

Oh, Joe.

My world is sadder without you in it.

This past week, I listened and watched Dr. Christine Blasey Ford speak.  I admire the courage it took to speak.  As she said, she was the one lone voice against many.

I was surprised by my response to her speaking.

It brought back my own memories of speaking against the common view.

I then watched a Facebook video of Martha Beck, where she spoke about "Sanctuary Trauma".  Where you are speaking about your trauma and you are doubted and made to feel shame and even thought a liar.

This is where I connected to Dr Ford.

I could feel the terrifying place she stood, speaking her truth, and having to deal with many who would doubt her story.

I am not sure I can once again articulate what this feels like.

To say words that others don't want to hear. And, instead of feeling their own disappointment, make you feel less for speaking it.

The trauma of sexual abuse changes who you are and then, when you are brave enough to speak of it, we are then made to feel less than for doing so. Not brave, but they have other words for us.  Other feelings. You are not embraced and cared for, you are made to feel shame for speaking out.

It is to show your deepest wound and they barely cast a sideways glance and move on as if it isn't even there.

I love that Martha Beck too was triggered and unable to watch much of it. For it shows I am not the mental one.

I love that I now have a term to use and understand what this feeling is. 

Sanctuary Trauma. 

Instead of the sanctuary of understanding, our sanctuary place is one of trauma.

The worst part of being abused by a family member, is that the family then turns on you for speaking out.

In the beginning, I was hollered at, and ridiculed when sharing my truth. Sanctuary Trauma.

I felt like a scared rabbit and recall not knowing who was friend or foe.

I was being traumatized for speaking out.

Unless and until, you have the courage to speak out of your own sexual abuse, naming the perpetrator, and doing so with those who like/love him, will you understand this.

The volume of doubt and anger that is directed at you is mind blowing.

We did nothing to warrant this anger, we are merely the messengers, sharing another view of those you like/love.

We did not do the crime.

We are reporting the crime and are victims of the person you like/love.

And, we then are traumatized by you, because you can't bear the truth.

Here that.

You traumatize the messenger for giving you a truth you can't bear to hear.

It will not change the truth.

Just as the judge will not become a gentleman, anymore than my perpetrator return to being just a kind dad.

And, beating me up with words, doubts and coldness will not make it so.

The Sanctuary Trauma is why I felt so jittery for her and it brought me back to my early days.

She was in the midst of sanctuary trauma as we all watched.

To speak up knowing you will be doubted, shamed and made to feel a liar IS why so few sexual assault victims come forth.  It is the fear and knowing of sanctuary trauma we don't want to endure.

To be re-victimized for sharing our original assault.

We blame the victim for the words she is sharing about someone we like/love.

Instead of looking at our own disappointment, feeling the relationship shatter, it is much easier to cast us aside as liars.

Looking at the arena that Dr. Ford is in, she is having volumes of people NOT want their person be wrong and they themselves be lacking, it is much easier to poke holes in her story than to see the wrong in themselves.

Who wants to be wrong?

Who is brave enough to admit it?

They would rather traumatize a woman they don't know or like as much, to keep their own version of the truth. To keep their agenda going in the direction that makes them most comfortable.

What I learned the most with my own sanctuary trauma is that very few want to embrace the truth. Most want their version of life to continue on, minus the truth of what is.

And, I know now, the words said to me, were words they really meant for themselves.

I thank her for showing humanity what courage is, and that no matter how you articulate the words, if they are words they don't want to hear, they will turn on you.

Victims know this.

This is the huge wall we are asked to climb, while being hit from all sides for speaking out.

Most, will not offer a word against the smallest of things.  Fear disagreement.

Won't even utter a word against the majority on small things.

Sanctuary trauma is perhaps the toughest arena to be in.

You are knowingly speaking out against their opinion of someone that is important to them. You are casting the shadow upon their otherwise good character.

But really?

Is it possible to be a good man and an abuser?

In 14 years, I have never been able to find the common denominator between father and pedophile. 

Is it possible to have a good supreme court judge who assaults women???

It just doesn't go together.

I believe her.

Because I know the cost for her speaking up. It is a personal cost. A very vulnerable cost. 

I believe her.

I have listened to a few priests, and catholic leaders speak about the sexual abuse within the church. 

 Mostly, what I find is that they are dancing with words and shining lights in all directions and somehow dodging the full impact of the crime.

I get it.

Certainly they don't want to completely and utterly bring into their lives the complete package of sexual abuse by the elders of the church. It could, or would, destroy the integrity and piety of their church.

They want to acknowledge it, but not fully embrace it.

To see it, sorta and then get back to the business they are in.

It has the same imprint of how families deal with sexual abuse within their ranks.

One tactic, was to shine the light upon ALL of our imperfections, stating that none of us are free of sin.  This waters down the evil and brings us closer to them.  Deflating the charge and placing doubt and fear of judgement upon US.

A subtle or not so subtle change in the direction and making us somehow feel less worthy and making the abusers seem more like us.

Would the church ever acknowledge that God can be found elsewhere, that you will not lose your connection to God IF you were to leave.  

One spoke about a victim being unable to have a God to pray to. 

I am not even certain those who have led the church understand the gravity of how they speak about sexual abuse by their contemporaries.  How they are swaying the minds and confusing the messages.  How they are continuing on, unchanged, although speaking words about it.

Words.

Words.

What good will they do?

I want to see a priest drop his robes.

Walk away from his pulpit, in complete and utter disdain for how it has been used.

To walk outside and to embrace God on a one to one basis.

As they stand there in their robes of finery, in the image of power, on the higher plane than their members, they are still using their power to sway and manipulate how to see and deal with sexual abuse.

Only one priest said, If you feel called upon to leave, leave.

To go, and he wasn't going to blame them.

But, he – the leader of the church was going to stay and Lead.

Lead where, I am unsure.

Lead the same as always???

Teaching sins are to be forgiven.

We are all imperfect.

ya da ya da ya da.

What I ask, is so completely wrong about leaving?

Where is your God located?

Can you save the sanctity of your relationship with God, when leaving?

Will your spirituality come with you?

When I left my family and religion, I was seen as leaving all the good behind.

I left the love of family or my love of family and its traditions.

When I left the church, my spirituality and God, was left behind.

However, the complete opposite was true.

I took my love and my integrity about family and its values with me.

I brought them into my family world of my husband and children.

Family mattered more.

I valued and loved deeper.

I created a family environment that was intolerable about sexual abuse, abuse, etc.

I brought in equality. I became less and others became more.  I allowed each of us to be a whole human being.

I didn't leave behind family.

I left behind a family, I left a family that didn't protect children.  I left behind a system that didn't allow children the same vote or  to be seen as equal.

Same goes for the church I left.

I didn't leave God behind or my spirituality.

I left behind a religion that too left children unprotected.

I left behind a religion who blessed abusers, and watered down the rest of us so the distance between good and evil met.

I left behind a system that held men higher than women and children.

 I too used to think that God was only found in a religion, that family meant staying no matter what, that it was always wrong or sinful to leave. That walking out meant giving up. 

Yet, all I gave up was being part of a community that didn't protect its children.

I gave up being part of family who allowed evil to flourish.

And, I walked towards a whole new life where I had the empowerment for boundaries.

I walked towards a self that was beneath no one…and yet above no one either.

I have even thought, that this sexual abuse scandal within the catholic church will empower many to own their own spirituality, to embrace their own connection with God.  It may be the impetus for change into a more empowered world.

It will take away the hierarchy of power and the imbalance many were raised into.

Where we don't need an institution to tell us what is right and wrong. 

We need the space so individuals will find a more intimate connection with their soul.

I wonder what the victims feel as they see the church leaders leading in their usual way, where nothing really has changed.  Where the sheer numbers didn't make a difference. The church will go on as usual. 

Words are spoken from the pulpit.

Sure, there are new rules. But, for the most part, the ones with the power are wearing the robes.

Until there is complete equality in power, things will remain sideways.

It is the landscape of imbalance, where abuse happens most often.

 When institutions and societies seek equal balance and empowerment, we will begin to carve inroads into the places where abuse flourishes.

Sexual Abuse is about power.

When we give equal power, the abuse numbers will start to drop.