I M Perfect lady

Category: Yoga

  • Adopted.

    The Bikram Yoga Dallas (BYD) Studio adopted me as their first Remote Student.

     

    How cool is that?  It never mattered that I didn’t have a Studio, but it feels kinda nice now that I do.

     

    It is odd to be acknowledge as a ‘real’ student of Bikram Yoga; it feels some how that I have been legitimized when it never occurred to me that I wasn’t a real Bikram student, but hard when you are not affiliated with anything but your basement.

     

    I was surprised by the feeling of belonging I felt when the Studio owner said in an email, “Consider yourself adopted by BYD – you can be our remote student. :-)”

     

    Dare I tell her I have 7 more remote students she could adopt?

     

    We could continue to add to our group, allowing it to grow and expand.  Imagine who we would meet, and who would be inspired by the original 7 remote students?

     

    As I write my 60-day testimonial about doing a 60-day challenge ‘remotely’ I have to acknowledge the support of this group.  It brings in the energy of group I would otherwise miss.

     

    I can see this as being the first remote student group, which has students already in many states, but how cool if our Studio connection is my brother’s studio?  After all he is our first real connection to a studio, all I can do is ask, and the worst she can say is no. 

     

    Waiting for the rest of my yoga buddies to be adopted…

     

  • Onward I go…

    I am sitting here on day 61, looking back at the 60-day Bikram Yoga Challenge, and the changes within my body and out, are so many.

     

    When you begin, you really have no idea what this yoga can do for you or what parts of you are broken, stuck, inflexible or too flexible, weak, needy, empty or too filled, hollow, shaky, nervous, fearful, out of control, in control, responsible, not responsible, the list goes on and on. 

     

    You know ‘something’ isn’t right, but can’t put a finger on it, the answer floats just out of reach, yet daily you are dealing with the affects!

     

    If you do this yoga with great focus and endurance, bringing your best to each posture, what isn’t working falls at your feet. 

     

    Some times in tears and sorrow, and others in waves of nausea, but through it all, you will see where you are not true to you or true to reality in your life. 

     

    These are the Yoga Gifts.

     

    Bikram says, “one of these days you will know what this yoga is all about, what yoga can do for you, yoga makes you you.”

     

    The more you do this yoga, the more gifts you are given, and the more gifts you get, the freer you are, the freer you are, the more you you become.

     

    After 60 days, I feel that there are more gifts left unopened, so onward I go…

  • I Did It!

    It was a photo finish; my 60-day yoga challenge ended about the same time my co-dependent life challenge stopped or was recognized deeply.

     

    I looked up the word co-dependent.

     

    co·de·pen·dent ( kō ' dĭ-pĕn ' dənt ) adj. Mutually dependent. Of or relating to a relationship in which one person is psychologically dependent in an unhealthy way…

     

    Psychologically dependent, is a huge concept that I wasn’t aware of, yet I acted it out daily.

     

    It isn’t like it is my first thought, but it is a humming that goes on in the background, an unease to stand alone without support, hence ‘co-dependent’!

     

    What is even more odd is that if you get support, your mind will tell you that you need ‘everybodies’ support and it picks apart those who don’t support, in word and deed, your latest adventure.

     

    On the eve of this Challenge ending, I say to my husband, “tomorrow is my 60th day of yoga, 60 days in a row,” to which he replies, “oh” and goes back to his reading.

     

    Well, my mind, my little co-dependent mind was given a huge gift in that one little word and no gesture, it ran scenarios for at least an hour, while I tossed and turned trying to calm down to rest.

     

    I finally did yoga breathing in and out, and said to myself, “there will be an answer, let it be,”  in hopes that during the night, or during yoga something would come to me.

     

    My co-dependent mind attacks first the person who it feels should be saying doing and being something for me. 

     

    Yet reality showed me a man calmly reading his magazine, not one who hated me, my yoga, my life etc, just a man calmly enjoying his life.

     

    So, inward my eyes turned, tuning into my feelings, my needs, my cravings, and my desires outside of myself for “good girl”! 

     

    How was it that I and I alone can’t be enough for me?

     

    As I did my yoga today, there was sadness for the girl who isn’t enough by herself for herself, alone.

     

    And ironically, by doing this yoga for 60 days in a row I have been strengthening myself, growing stronger and more balanced alone, I am a whole me, even one who is working to get free of co-dependency.

     

    I also felt the flip side of how I turned on my husband when he didn’t voice a great cheer for me, how instead of love flowing towards him, I had anger.

     

    Anger because HE wasn’t using his voice to cheer me, HIS actions were not supportive enough, he doesn’t see me, etc.

     

    (I was wise enough to keep the words/thoughts to myself, until I had a firm answer.)

     

    Again I had to let him go free, to be a man sitting in a chair reading what IS interesting to HIM.

     

    Imagine!  And guess what, I can freely do my yoga.  He isn’t telling me lift that leg higher, stay in that posture longer and then mad when I can’t or telling me I am not allowed to change and become a yoga lady.

     

    That damn co-dependent mind.  It is that mind that this yoga works the best on, it will take that mind and bring it back to reality.

     

    A boy in a chair reading what he loves, and a girl in the basement doing yoga that she needs in order to set them both free.

     

    Free from the psychological dependency in an unhealthy way.  It is unhealthy and leaves me less than, and leaves him leaving his life to be in mine.

     

    There is only room on the yoga mat for one, me!

    It is a solo dance. 

    I am learning how to live alone.

    You are right Mr. Bikram.

    Yoga makes you you!

     

    My one voice is a cheer enough.

    I did it! 

     

    IMG_1945

  • Expressing its Self

    Here it is day 59, and as I made my way downstairs I had a slight feeling of unease.

     

    By the time the first breathing was over, a softball size ball of nausea settled in my belly on the left side.

     

    It stayed there making all the poses harder to maintain, and caused me to sweat harder, literally drenched in what felt like a fever breaking moisture.

     

    I was so happy to lie down, even though I was able to do all standing postures, some were sickly looking and feeling.

     

    When I did the poses on my belly I felt I was squishing that ball, and compressing it reducing it in size.

     

    As I came out of the first Fixed-Firm there was a cramp like stitch on that side, and by the second one, the nausea ball was gone, fever broke, me more or less normal, but spent.

     

    I marvel at the body’s capabilities to do yoga, feel nauseated and breathe.  And I am thrilled I can be with nausea ball and do yoga anyway.

     

    In the past, all it would take is the teeniest discomfort and I would hang it up, put it down, stop it, and go lay down.

     

    Instead of using nausea or any discomfort as a blocking point, I am using it as a hurdle to get over, walk through, and conquer, not giving it power over me.

     

    I didn’t know what would eventually happen, would I get too sick and have to stop, would I even be able to do posture after posture, I was walking into the unknown.

     

    As I continued forward, the nausea eventually went away, now I would not have known that had I stopped or had not even started.

     

    I don’t know what the nausea was for, where it came and where it was headed, was it something bad I ate, all I know is that we honored each other and continued on doing what it was we both felt we had to do.

     

    My body is expressing its self.

  • Mind Zero, Spirit 58!

    "When we change the way we look at things, the things we look at change." Unknown

     

    As I lay in bed for the 58th day, I still had the urge to just stay right there, resenting or fighting the idea of yoga.

     

    I had many excuses clamoring for my attention; too tired, too early, too chilly, not now…. But with work looming in a few hours, I simply got up and silenced them all.

     

    Somedays it seems just too much to ask of myself, as I look out over my scheduled day, but I vowed to put the challenge first, and for some reason feel I can’t let it down on a whimpy excuse.  If I do stop it will be for the mother of all excuses.

     

    And really to come this far, with just a couple of days to complete it, I must go on, I am almost there!

     

    This numbers game can be tricky for it can wear you out as you look ahead, but it can also spur you on when you look behind and see so many done already or so few left to go.

     

    Counting can make you feel like you are in a life sentence, where you are locked into this silly game all for the numbers.

     

    But is that true? At the end of this journey called 60 days of yoga in 60  days, is that all we have is a pile of 60.

     

    Just a heap of 60, is that all that will be there?

     

    Our minds focus on the numbers, busy adding up and subtracting, figuring out our payoff, tallying up the cost against the benefits, forever calculating efforts verses excuses, mind calculating if 60-day challenge is worth it.

     

    Worth it to who?  The mind?  Really the mind gets to decide?  Not the body, not the feelings, not the residual affects that appear in life, just a calculating mind?

     

    What these 58 days have shown me, is that if I let the calculating mind decide, no yoga would have happened, none, zero, nothing.

     

    For it is in the minds best interest to not do yoga, for then it remains the master of this body, instead of the Spirit of who I am.

     

    Here is the score Ms. Calculating Mind thus far; Mind Zero, Spirit 58!

     

  • I Can

    It is day 57 and I am still in the game, still doing one day at a time towards the 60-day mark, with just three to go, I am astonished that I have done this consecutively and with surprising ease.

     

    How thrilling to see that I can do this, and I have to wonder what other things I have not explored, what other exciting, new, different, challenging, life changing items are out there waiting for me?

     

    I am heading for 101, and so after the milestone of 60 days in a row, I will just get up the next day and tackle the next 41. 

     

    When you put your mind, your desire and your soul into something, I am thinking it can’t help but happen.  We seem to move mountains of fear and piles of “I can’t” when we simply just focus on what it is we have to focus on.

     

    I am thinking the mind has a bottomless pit of excuses, a room filled with reasons to keep all challenges at bay, and our biggest challenge is to keep our eyes on the ball, our sights on the prize; getting our muttering mind to the mat, and our feeble excuses can drag along as we lift our arms and begin.

    For somewhere buried deep within us is this new identity arising, I can do it, I will try it, I am willing, I am able, out shouting all of the weak excuses. 

     

    I love my new voice, “I Can!”

     

  • Yoga makes it better.

    With a yucky belly I began yoga, like bad breath this sensation lingered during most poses, at times the pose would eclipse the feeling, only to return when I relaxed.

     

    It seemed to replace any resistance, for I was stronger, more balanced and more determined; yet my belly swirled.

     

    Times I felt a black or gray curtain coming in from the sides, like losing consciousness, but it faded back as I breathed deeply and focused.

     

    My body continued to do yoga well, even with this rain cloud present inside. 

     

    I thought for sure the floor postures would stop me, but they actually seemed to really push back the nausea, like squeezing toothpaste from a tube.

     

    My insides felt quivery when I was done. 

     

    You wonder what ‘sickness’ really is, is it our psyche body that is sick, for my muscular body seemed way good.

     

    It feels just like a nervous belly and yoga makes it better.

     

     

  • Time for me.

    “Fall down Seven times, stand up Eight!”  Japanese Proverb

     

    As I look backward over the 54 days, I can see the pattern of yoga and me; I see me doing this each day, making it my priority, and even when I felt weak, sore, tired, uninterested, I did it anyway.

     

    This reminds me of the attitude I sometimes had doing for others, when I didn’t say no.  I love how the same tenacity is working for me!

     

    Interesting that I am saying yes to me, often at times when I am feeling no; no I can’t, no I don’t want to, no I don’t feel like it, but I headed downstairs and do it anyway.

     

    Our patterns emerge behind us, as they gather in numbers we can see the overview or as they say, ‘hind-sight is 20/20’.

     

    As I look in my rearview mirror I do so with much pride, to see that I have kept my word to me, I see a 54 days of doing yoga stretched out like a magnificent winding path, complete with no spaces, no empty slots of where I stopped.

     

    Amazed that I continue on, adding to the ever-growing pathway of taking care of me.  It is so unusual for me to put me first, to take the time, to make the effort, to just do it, for me. 

     

    Me, I am taking the time for me!

     

    "You cannot believe in anything or anybody if you do not believe in yourself".     Bikram

     

    IMG_2369

     

     

  • Me.

    “Greatness is not in where we stand, but in what direction we are moving. We must sail sometimes with the wind and sometimes against it — but sail we must and not drift, nor lie at anchor.”  Oliver Wendell Holmes 

     

    I am surprising myself that I have continued to sail, although I haven’t met really strong head winds, just a few strong breezes in the past 50 days.

     

    I have 50 more to go and I don’t know what each new day brings, what winds will blow into my day, but so far I get my sailing done first thing in the morning, I make that leg of the journey perhaps before the winds begin to blow in the calm waters of the dawn.

     

    This is so not like me, I used to be the martyr and nibble on the leftovers of the day, the few crumbs of time and the bottom of energy tank, and those I chose for mine.

     

    Usually there wasn’t much there to do anything with, but sleep.  I slept to be a martyr again.

     

    As I now take from the top of the tank, I feel that I am stronger within myself and that is what I now bring to each situation that arises.

    I used to have a shame muscle that would operate if I were to focus so much on my self, to take the time off the top for me, to use my time and my energy for me.  How dare you, it would say!

     

    How dare I not.  My body is so much better, my disposition feels calmer, and my whole life feels more in control when I am in control of me in my life.

     

    It has taken me 51 years to realize the only one who can take care of me is me and if I drain my tank without first filling me up, we all suffer.

     

    My tank is full, the day has begun, I now have something to give to my day, Me!

     IMG_1956

  • Start Running!

    I began a discussion yesterday about the benefits of yoga, of how amazed I was that I could literally see the affects, like muscle growth by doing 90 minutes each day.

     

    Immediately one lady said, “I do not have 90 minutes to spare,” to which another replied, “That is nonsense, you make the time.”

     

    We make the time; we add and remove things in our lives to make room for something we find important.

     

    "I must be willing to give up what I am in order to become what I will be."
     ~ Einstein

     

    As my yoga session was winding down, a thought came to me that I am already feeling the ‘World chasing me.”  The benefits of doing yoga, has health already chasing me!

     

    Bikram says that if you can do Cobra, Locust, Full Locust, Bow, that you don’t have to chase the world, the world will chase you. You don’t have to chase, love, love will chase you…. 

     

    I felt the tides changing direction, I felt I was no longer the one reaching, seeking, but instead the waves of life are chasing me! 

     

    I caught a glimpse of the affects coming towards me, my efforts being echoed and returning to me, in waves of gratitude and excitement I see muscles, feel muscles and strength! 

     

    My efforts work, my taking 90 minutes each day gives me back my health. 

     

    I am not certain I am expressing this correctly. But before I was sitting in a spot ‘hoping’ my health would improve or at least not worsen.  Now I am leading my health, I am out front doing pose after pose, day after day, building and adding layer upon layer of health.

     

    And guess what, health is growing and it is coming right behind me.  I feel it lining up behind me; I love that feeling of how selflessly It follows behind me.  Like I am the master and it is the servant. 

     

    For 51 years I waited for health to come to me, never knowing that it was waiting for me to begin.

     

    Failure to start will stop health from chasing you, you begin the race, you have to start running!

     IMG_1461