I M Perfect lady

Category: Yoga

  • Life can Change.

    I am just about to the new half way mark, and I am feeling excited about my body and its improvements.

     

    The experience of witnessing the effort along with the change makes you believe to the depth of your being that we are the ones to swing our lives around.

     

    While doing this active yoga, we literally breathe and put our bodies into these postures, giving it our utmost strength and attention, so daily we can see new improvements, slight changes in strength balance and in flexibility, how this yoga is changing us from the inside out.

     

    There is a new relationship being born, one where we are an active participant with this body.  If we can form new will power by slowly going in and out of the poses, if we can manifest new discipline, imagine where we can use this in our everyday life?

     

     I am beginning to see the powerful reactive live thing this body is, and how it responds to the attention I am giving it, it can’t help but be stronger if I am working on those muscle each day.

     

    My body and I are forming a new relationship, instead of me being lazy and expecting the body to go along and be healthy without me, I am slowly turning that boat around until I am leading the body.

     

    In my past, my neglect showed up in my body, except I saw it as the body’s fault, not mine.

     

    If my attention and great kindness allows this body to flourish, then so did my inactiveness allow it to crumple and be out of shape figuratively and physically; I am the common denominator in my health and in my sickness. 

     

    My awareness of this is huge, for without it I blame a body that can’t get fit without me bringing it to the mat, to the postures and beginning.

     

    I am the keeper of the gate; I open the door and close it.  For 48 days I opened the door and joined Bikram for 90 minutes.

     

    As long as I open the gate, life can change.

     

     

  • Will Power and Discipline Muscles!

    And then day 47 arrived…. Nothing really to report except there seems to be muscles working together and I feel stretched in places I never was stretch before.

     

    Balancing Stick now has core muscles and even hip muscles helping, I have never been this far before in this pose.

     

    On the floor in Cobra, I could feel the backs of my legs being stretched as I pushed them down to the floor to counterbalance the back muscles pulling my front up. 

     

    In Bikram’s Key on Cobra;

     

    “This is one of the most difficult postures to learn and to understand. So we need two keys here.  First, when you finish holding the arched position, don’t suddenly collapse back down to the floor.  Lower your head, neck and upper body slowly and smoothly, using the strength of your back and spine.  We never use any abrupt diving or jerking movements; that is how you injure yourself.  Controlling your movements this way also builds will power and discipline.

     

    Imagine that by just taking the time and effort to slowly undo the posture you will gain will power and discipline muscles!

     

     

  • I have just begun.

    Just two weeks to go in completing the 60-day challenge, and I am quite sure I am changing it to the 100-day challenge.

     

    Mary Jarvis says, “Day 60 -90, your body shape seems to suddenly change at an exponential rate, though you may not notice.  These are the days when you start to hear all the “Wow, you look great!  What are you doing?” comments.  These 30 days are usually your best 30 days.” 

     

    So I am thinking if I stop at 60, I will miss the best days of all, like walking out without dessert. 

     

    I will go along as far as I can, but my sights are now on 100.  In two weeks I will begin the best 30 days, I have just two weeks left to unravel and unknot emotional twists and things that have held me hostage.  And then my body should adjust and open and change quickly now that there isn’t anything inside holding it back.  I can’t wait to see what 100 days will do.  I will then take pictures again. 

     

    It will be interesting to see how much my body changes in 100 days of Bikram!

     

    Inside I am happy I am not done, or almost done, for I don’t look done or act done or feel done, I feel like I have just begun!

     

     

  • Shore of Memories

    “Life is like a taxi. The meter just keeps a-ticking whether you are getting somewhere or just standing still.” –

    Lou Erickson

     

    Life indeed will pass by whether you are in the middle of a 60-day yoga challenge or not, whether you are waiting to begin or beginning where you are, days continue to move.

    Even the day itself seems to go by, daylight, darkness, one breath, on pose, we simply can’t stop it; we can stop, but it doesn’t stop.

    That is why the 60-day challenge is such a challenge, like life, it doesn’t wait until you are ready, each day like a peaceful breath arises and falls.

    We join the day, we join the moment, we play in time, but we don’t rule time.  We ride time like a wave rushing towards the shore, and then it disappears and a new one arises. 

    We get up each day on a new wave of time.

    Our free will decides if we sit and stare or participate, either way we are on the wave of time.

    Some days we may kick and scream going against the wave, others we simply lay back and let it flow away.  The wave doesn’t care one iota what you do it just flows away.  That is what time does it is just being time.

    It is a rhythm you have to catch, a flow you have to dance upon, it is there for our benefit, the backdrop behind all things.

    As this day unfolds see how much you can do on this one wave, before it crashes to the shore of memories.

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  • Just me.

    When Oprah did the interviews with the Sexual Predators, her main intentions was to sit in a nonjudgmental space where they could tell their side. 

     

    In doing so, she was able to hear why and how, and then for those of us who were abused in the audience, we could see we were targeted, groomed, lured and sought after, and it set us free.

     

    She also spoke of the child who had to take care of her self, and how if she looked in the window of her childhood home, she would see herself alone. This is what the predators see, NO one is there watching the child.

     

    What is so sad about this is the child is seeking someone to take care of them, and in pops this sexual predator and gives them the attention they crave. 

     

    We want someone to take care of us, make us feel special and they do, but with the ultimate goal of abuse.

     

    It occurred to me today in yoga, is that the little girl who was so not seen, is still seeking to be seen.  Just see me.

     

    See me.

     

    See me hurt, see me lost, see me confused, see me broken, see me and help me, or see me helping me, fixing me, doing good for me, just see me, and acknowledge me.

     

    I turned into this seeking device.

     

    Forever seeking attention, seeking help, seeking love, seeking safety, seeking comfort, seeking peace, seeking, seeking, seeking, I am so tired of seeking.

     

    To feel the uselessness of waiting this long, to once again have to be strong enough to take care of myself, leaves you breathless and weak, yet strong.

     

    As tears flowed once again, it felt like I was once again left alone to heal, that no one on the outside could help, even if they wanted to.

     

    It was up to me.

     

    I had to be with me. 

    To be with me for me alone, not for someone else’s approval.

    Just do me for me.

     

    It was up to me once again to be with myself to not wait for the other to make me feel good, or to be proud, to heal my wounds, or myself and that I am the one I was waiting for.

     

    I was waiting for me to be with me, to not make excuses, be too busy, to this or to that.

     

    By doing this yoga challenge for 60 days, it is making me pay attention to me each day; I am giving me what I needed the most, me.

     

    A me that is good enough, I am good enough alone, just me.

     

     

     

  • A Journey within a journey.

    It is day 42, with 18 to go, and I am feeling okay, I wasn’t overly excited to begin, but did it anyway.

     

    It is in the actions, or as an old friend used to say, “Just arrive.”

     

    Arrive to the mat, just place your feet together, hands under your chin and begin the breathing process.  Taking it one step at a time, and I will know when I cannot go a step further, and it is incredible that with an unwilling enthusiasm, I can still do yoga.

     

    In the acceptance mode I still get fully involved, and expend lots of energy, sweating and breathing, until an hour and a half slip by.

     

    The Spin Twisting Pose comes up and I know that I made it again, a journey within a journey.

     

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  • Feminine Self

    My 40th yoga session followed right behind a two-hour Oprah interview with 4 sexual predators and a book I was reading called “The Flying Boy” by John Lee.

     

    As I began yoga and on the Standing Head to Knee pose, as I went to pick up my left leg, which is weak and unbendable the thought came to me, “my feminine side was crippled or broken” and tears began to flow.

     

    It was like my body felt relieved that I could acknowledge this.  I felt such compassion for the wounded feminine parts of me as I lovingly stood there on one leg holding my left/feminine side.

     

    This alone would be a huge gift on day 40, but on we go. 

     

    I get to the Balancing Stick pose and as I raise my hands above my head and I begin to breathe, another profound thought comes in, “I am only responsible for love and trust,” and again tears come and a huge lightness to my shoulders.  As I was breathing in I was feeling only being responsible for bringing trust and love to my relationship with my abuser, my father.

     

    I am innocent of being responsible or guilty for the abuse.

     

    I then proceed to hold the pose of Balancing Stick for all but the last one, for on that one, again I was eager to tell you about this, and lost the connection.

     

    Those are two gifts this yoga gave me today, the realization that my feminine side is damaged, but with good reason, and that I am free of carrying the weight of guilt and shame or blame.  My shoulders literally felt lighter yet again.

     

    As I went into the floor Separate Head to Knee, where my left hip usually screams, I told it, “it is okay I understand your hurt,” and I was able to do this without pain, not perfect, not farther, but with ease and more tears. 

     

    It is like I am recognizing the physical manifestations this body has held.

     

    An overwhelming sadness came in knowing that I have lived so long without this side, this softness, this trusting openness, how hard and stiff it has left me, struggling to be stronger, tougher, when what I needed was to be more relaxed and soft. 

     

    Bikram is right, “you have no idea what yoga can do for you, Yoga makes you you.”

     

    As one predator stated, “I killed the person she could have been.”  And he is right.  But they only win if we don’t bring her back!  I intend to return to my full healthy loving trusting feminine self!

     

  • Natural part of being me.

    Day 38 of yoga is done, and it feels more doable now that I have grown some new muscles, which actually make it harder for I can go deeper and stand longer, but compared to being weak and unbalanced, trying to do a pose, this is much more satisfying to do.

     

    If you just look at the physical changes to my body, it is remarkable that 90 minutes a day for 38 days actually produced stronger muscles and better balance.

     

    As for the inner changes, they are subtle but felt within.

     

    The absence of the nagging lady whining about my laziness and me has disappeared.  I feel better about my efforts to be present with this body.

     

    Looking backwards I can honestly say there is not one thing that is bad about doing yoga each day.  Sure the effort it takes to get up and out of bed is probably the hardest, but if you just roll out, the rest falls into place.

     

    I wonder if this can be part of my normal life, that it become a new normal routine, like drinking coffee and a sweet treat used to be.  How fruit, yogurt, cereal and tea are my new normal breakfast. 

     

    In the future will yoga be natural too, a natural part of being me.

  • Full Power

    I heard yesterday that after you say No, and the other person tries to get you to change your answer, they are trying to gain control over you.

     

    Imagine that?  I just hadn’t thought of looking at that as a power struggle or as one person looking to control the other.

     

    Byron Katie has said, that if you can’t say no, I don’t trust your yes.  Now this has a new dept to it for me. 

     

    You are as strong as your no.

     

    I am seeing this in my challenge that I am saying no to laziness, tiredness, sloth like behavior, and instead of settling back in and laying there, I get up and move.

     

    Each day that I say no to my old behaviors, I am gaining control.  Certainly the old behaviors are like an old unhealthy friend, urging me to change my mind.

     

    Today that feeling was almost overwhelming to just stay in bed and quit.  It took effort to get up, to get moving and to begin.

     

    That same zapping energy seemed to be present in the hardest postures, where I needed full power to power through, like Balancing Stick.

     

    It is up to me to stick with the no and not change and follow the old behavior, capitulating under its power.

     

    Imagine the power of no!

     

    Saying no can change your life and bring you back to full power.

     

  • It Appears And Then Goes

    This 60-day Bikram Yoga Challenge is just one of many challenges we are doing each day, little ones, difficult ones, and ones that bring us more in alignment of who we truly are and ones separating us from who we are not.

     

    Being a Mom challenge started roughly 22 years ago and will continue on now until I die, an endless challenge.  It is a combined experience with both sides leaning on the other or challenging the other to become their best. I have seen how I can affect this challenge; how I am the change I want to see in them. 

     

    A marriage challenge has been going on now for 23 years, during which time I have grown up and then fell apart.  What we learned most is that who we are and how we feel directly affects the relationship of us.  Our truths and our selves highly influence the way this flows.   We have rode the rough waters and sailed the smooth seas, learning along the way, our willingness to try repeatedly is amazing. 

     

    The individual challenge of just being me has been going on for 51 years, and in that time I have witnessed myself in many different roles and tasks, some more challenging than others.

     

    And all we can do in each of these challenges is to do what is being asked of us right now.

     

    As a day moves along, I am in the yoga challenge, then I flip into the mom challenge, then a mail lady challenge, then back to a wife for a while, then a mom, maybe an Artist, and on it goes.

     

    How cool is that we have a multitude of things going on at one time.  The challenge is to do each challenge fully and with presence, and not to get ahead of the challenges, or sit in one challenge dreaming of another, but to concentrate right here right now. 

    We add little pieces, fun color or dimension to all these challenges each day, building on them a little at a time.

     

    We become like a juggler juggling the many aspects of ourselves, catching and releasing each challenge as it appears and then goes.

     

    “Do little, but right, that is how you change your personality, your life.”  Bikram

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