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There is a misconception that child abuse is an event in childhood, period. It happened a long time ago and IT IS OVER!

This article shows how wrong that is…

The effects of childhood sexual and physical abuse last a lifetime. Abused children may grow up to be adults prone to depression, anxiety, substance abuse, and other psychiatric disorders. They are more prone to suicide. However, in recent years we have learned that abuse does more than wound self-esteem and break the spirit. It can damage the very substance of the brain and how it functions.

A major way by which childhood abuse can disrupt normal brain activity is by diminishing its capacity to handle stress. Stress is more than the worry and distress we experience when the circumstances of life push us beyond our limits. The body's response to stress is a complex biological mechanism. When the brain senses that the body is being taxed beyond its usual capacity, it initiates the stress response by releasing a substance called corticotrophin releasing hormone, or CRH. CRH stimulates the pituitary gland to release ACTH that, in turn, triggers the release of the stress hormone, cortisol, from the adrenal glands. Cortisol marshals the body's resources to provide the extra energy and endurance to meet the demands being placed upon it. Once, this might have been escaping an angry mastodon. Today, it would more likely be getting used to a new job, a nasty divorce, or recovering from surgery.

The stress-induced switch into physiological overdrive is designed to be brief. In fact, among the many things that cortisol does in the body, one of the most important is to feed back to the brain and start to shut the stress response down. Cortisol does this by binding to specific receptors in the brain. Cortisol fits the receptor, like a key in a lock, and turns the response off. One of the problems in those that have suffered severe, childhood abuse is that the brain's turn-off switch for the stress response is disabled.

Instructions for how each cell in the body operates are in the DNA of those cells. Although every cell in the body has an identical copy of DNA, these cells can be very different. One means by which a cell becomes a skin cell instead of a liver or muscle cell is that certain genes in its DNA are turned off by the addition of a molecule called a methyl group. The addition of methyl groups to specific sections of DNA is an essential process in embryological development. It may also be involved in learning and other adaptive brain processes throughout life. However, DNA methylation can be abnormal.

A study published in 2009 in the prestigious journal Nature Neuroscience revealed part of the reason why adults who were abused as children have abnormal stress responses. The grim details of the study included comparisons of the brains of individuals who had committed suicide vs. those who had died natural deaths. Among those who had committed suicide were some who had suffered severe childhood abuse and others who had not. It was found that among those who had suffered abuse, there were fewer of the special cortisol receptors in the brain that allow cortisol to turn off the stress response. It was further found that the section of DNA responsible for maintaining adequate numbers of these receptors had been methylated. They were no longer in full operation.

When the stress response won't shut off and cortisol levels remain high in the brain, bad things can happen. Whereas bursts of cortisol help bolster the brain's supply of glucose and chemical messengers, sustained high levels of cortisol can cause damage. Cortisol diminishes the brain's response to the chemical messenger, serotonin, while it enhances the response to norepinephrine. Persisting high levels of cortisol also decrease levels of Brain-derived Neurotrophic factor, a substance that is necessary to maintain and replenish neurons in the brain. These and other changes alter mood, disturb sleep, heighten anxiety, and cause irritability. Consequently, the individual becomes more prone to Major Depression, PTSD, Generalized Anxiety, and other psychiatric disorders.

The emotional upheavals suffered by adults who were abused as children can continue to wreak havoc on jobs and schooling. They can lead to substance abuse. They can devastate marriages. Thus, the innocent victims of child abuse continue to suffer as adults. Perhaps the most tragic effect of child abuse is that adults who were abused as children, either physically, emotionally, or sexually, have a higher than expected risk of becoming abusers themselves. Thus, the cycle of abuse and suffering perpetuates itself.

We, as a society, must pursue every means to end this social cancer that reaches deep into the brains of children and across generations. The problem must be addressed by government and in schools, in churches and synagogues, and by community organizations. Doctors and other health care providers must redouble their efforts to spot child abuse and give the victims the help they need. Though it may be difficult to have sympathy for those who abuse children, they must be helped as well. After all, many of them were victims of childhood abuse. If nothing else, treating the perpetrators may prevent creation of still more victims.

Need help? In the U.S., call 1-800-273-8255 for the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline.

Need help? In the U.S., call 1-800-799-SAFE (7233) for the National Domestic Violence Hotline.

Somehow we have to find a way to interrupt the cycle by doing something different.  And, sadly…we are asking people whose brains have been changed to do what appears to be impossible to do.  To live a life that will stop the pattern from repeating itself. To have the inner damage, but to make choices that are healthy.

We need to stop the stigma of seeking help from the affects of abuse.  We have to make it a courageous action…and not something we look down upon. We need to see the bravery of breaking the silence and raise the conversations.

Abuse isn't just like a scraped knee in childhood and it isn't about the sexual act.  It is about the affects that it has on the brain…and how it then changes who you are and how you feel and see….how you react or don't respond to stress.

Childhood abuse lasts a lifetime…we need to recognize and own it.

It damages the brain.

It is not something to forgive and forget, it has changed the functioning of your brain.

Hence…where the dysfunctional family begins.  Those whose brains are not functioning correctly…due to their own abuse as a child.

If people would only get this. It would change the way we see those who are abused…they need help for brain damage.

Not only is their love, peace and joy destroyed, their trust and faith shattered, when a parent turns against them, but their minds are changed.

It isn't about getting along with your parents, or seeing that they did the best they could or forgiving and moving on.  It is about seeking to return your brain back to its functioning position.

Childhood abuse is harmful to the brain.

“Dumbledore says people find it far easier to forgive others for being wrong than being right.” ― J.K. Rowling, Harry Potter and the Half-Blood Prince

Now, isn't that a curious observation…and it feels correct to me…how we forgive folks for being wrong or doing wrong, but we don't forgive them when they are right.

Right in saying the truth…or standing up for doing what is right.

I feel that I am not forgiven for what I have done right…but that others are quickly forgiven for what they have done wrong.

There definitely is a double standard…

And, another thought that came to me about the act of forgiveness is that there are many meanings or definitions it seems; but is there one right one?

How can it be that when we speak of forgiveness we hear such a variety of ways in which people forgive and mostly how it is done for themselves…it has nothing to do with the other they say….but yet, the other IS who they are forgiving.

So, what is the real value or worth of forgiveness?

And, is it wrong not to forgive…are there indeed folks we should not forgive or is there no such thing.  Rather, are there folks who are unforgiving?

Are there reasons for being unforgiving…or must we always forgive, no matter what?

I looked up the meaning of "Unforgiving".…and here is what I found.

"not willing to forgive or excuse people's faults or wrongdoings."

This doesn't seem wrong to me….to no longer excuse a person's fault or wrongdoing.

Is the act of unforgiving the fault of the person who is no longer willing to excuse OR is it the fault of the wrongdoer, who continues to do wrong?

Are there not limits when enough is enough, when it is seen as insane to forgive repeat wrong behavior…

Who sets the limits or is forgiveness and unlimited endless supply?

MOST often, after forgiveness folks return to their old relationship, seldom is there a grudge if you will, but the forgiveness returns things back to how it was, "Before the wrongdoing."

Isn't it interesting that the one who is wronged is the one who is held wrongly IF they don't forgive.  And seldom, in my experiences is there ever any focus on the one who was doing wrong.

Also, there seems to be a sentiment, that IF you don't forgive you are a hater.

Like you no longer 'like' the person who wronged you.  Like that isn't a reason to end the relationship, just due to some wrongdoing.

I even had to look up "Wrongdoing".

"illegal or dishonest behavior."

So, this boils down to a person who is unforgiving, is unwilling to excuse illegal or dishonest behavior. Really?  And, how is that wrong???

I am an unforgiving person…

(Oh yeah, it is easier to forgive a wrongdoer than some one who is right.)

Not only are there humans we shouldn't forgive, but we forgive them at our peril. You forgive them — somebody *else* pays for it. Andrew Vachss

If the churches could grasp this concept and stop selling forgiveness as a cure all and soul saving application.

As well as see its true design of passing on perpetrators to abuse again…we would start to slowly stop the bleed of so many children being abused.

To be fair, not only churches, but well meaning folks too, have suggested, insinuated and wondered, about MY lack of forgiveness towards my father…questioning Me and not the true catch and release form forgiveness is.

Where I am seen and told how cold hearted I am, and not that the application of forgiveness is very cruel to the next child.

How can we get the churches, society to stop selling how 'loving' and 'kind' it is to forgive?

How are they so narrow minded that they can't see into the future when the release the abusers to roam free.

I have felt the social and religious judgement as I refused to play in their idea of forgiveness…when I refused to forget his abusive ways, but instead have been trying to warn others how insane this concept is.

Folks look at churches as benign and loving places for the soul…and fail to see their beliefs at work as they set free abusers upon another child.

IF forgiveness worked, we would be free of all abusers…or most.  For this is the first and go to response to abuse.

Very few are actually promoting tearing family apart and ostracizing the abusers away from children…instead their main thrust is to keep it all together, to forgive them their sins.

Who do you think pays when the church forgives these abusers?  It certainly isn't the church elders….for the volume of abuse happens to women and children.

If only the churches would at least begin to admit, there are some humans who shouldn't be forgiven.