On the sliding scale of normal, I lived on the high end up near the top. I was pushed up there by fear and fear stood between the middle ground and me.
My hyper responses seem normal, unless you compare them to another’s; they seemed natural in their unnaturalness.
It literally feels like I am being put in harms way to forge into the middle responses, like they are too weak for my security.
My security calls for over the top measures, I do not trust middle ground.
Middle ground appears as doing nothing, is standing still, is allowing, is not knowing what your playing with, it seems pointless and weak.
And perhaps what I call middle ground is the bottom rung called nothing, the very opposite of where I lived.
It seemed my scales of normal had two responses, hyper screaming or nothing. Middle was nowhere to be found.
I had to crawl through fear and let go of where I was in order to be introduced to reasonable.
What is reasonable?
Balancing on the razor edge of reason feels like a weak position to my hyper vigilant self.
The space that is needed is what Stephen Covy writes about in his book, The 8th Habit. The space between a life incident and your response. He says that the space is almost non-existent for an abused person; we have no space before we react.
What he calls space I will call reason. We are left without reason.
We enter into a life changing moment without reason.
We can’t be reasonable, for we don’t have reason.
We can’t find a reason and we don’t’ look for it. We react without reasons.
This may sound very peculiar to some, but what I felt was that the situation is what drove me up the tree, like a fearful raccoon; little did I know I lived there and beckoned it to come to me.
I reacted from there. I brought in the high hyper energy, it wasn’t the scene that spewed it forth, it came from me, I elevated the situation as high above middle as I was.
Instead of meeting the situation, I brought it up the tree with me.
In order to find reason, I had to lower myself down.
What an odd view I had of myself lowering my energy, letting go of my fear, and climbing slowly down towards middle and not dropping all the way to nothing, but to sit in a place of reason. To meet the situation where it is.
Reason. I had to look up the meaning.
n. The basis or motive for an action, decision, or conviction.
It is interesting to see that Reason is the basis or motive for how we act or the decisions we make.
I had reason, I had many reasons and all my reasons were fearful reasons.
It was reasonable for me to be so high up the scale of normal.
I read that Fear is False Events Appearing Real.
If Fear believed in what isn’t real, you would think we would naturally turn to what is real.
But what if what is real is horrifying?
What if you have to give up father for a pedophile?
Then what?
My lessons letting go of false events was to grab on to much more scarier things.
Yet I believe this is why most hang on to fantasy, to what isn’t, to build up a wall of fear, a wall of false events, false ideas, a fairyland between them and reality.
What is so sad, is that you think by not dealing you are keeping the boogie man at bay, and what you are actually doing is creating a cage for you all to be together.
It was like I lived in the highest tree in the cage, for fear of what lay at my feet.
It is incredible the wall of fear we build out of false ideals…and we don’t want to drop the pretty curtain to reveal who really lives with us.
And imagine, we think fear is about something scary, when fear most often is putting pretty masks on scary things.
Fear is make up, a pretend mask on a bad behavior or person. Fear is making up a fantasy.
Who knew that fear was creating things that were not real?
Fear is to a make up story.
What I had thought, was that fear was about something scary, I failed to understand the application of fear.
Fear is building a false event or story and the unease I believe is the body knowing the truth that lay beneath.
The body trembles in the false events appearing real.
What also occurred to me, we rarely make up scary stories about good things. We make up wonderful, kind and loving stories about scary things.
Interesting fear is turning bad to good.
A friend passed on a quote she found on an Art Quilt made by Tina Koyama, “Beyond the four walls of fear is all of life’s energy waiting for me.”
I M Perfect lady 