Tag: ability

• Stop the Pain

  Tolerance – ability to endure hardship: the ability to put up with harsh or difficult conditions.

  The cycle of abuse spins due to this abnormal tolerance, it allows children to become so desensitized to pain and harsh conditions, that soon they can’t even feel it.

  Their tolerance allows them to overlook a difficult condition and the more they overlook, the more tolerable they become and the more abnormal.

  Painlessly tolerant to harsh conditions, you can literally call it home, family, and love.

  I know it has been hard to explain, how I could not have known, how can you live in dysfunction and not know it, but having a high tolerance you have a distorted view.

  In fact the more you suffer the higher the tolerance and the more pain you can suffer and the more you can suffer the less harsh it seems.

  Your tolerance level allows lots in before your pain meter beeps.

  I often wondered myself how a child can continue to endure or how I was able to withstand the conditions being so young and unskilled, but I wasn’t aware we grow our tolerance muscles when we are asked to continually and repeatedly put up with harsh conditions.

  You become accustomed to the behavior…

  I had felt that I was out of touch or numb or my feelings seemed to be out of reach, but in fact it just took lots to get my pain meter from registering.

  As I lost my tolerance for pain I have been able to open the valve on the love meter.

  I am not certain, but it seems probable, that you can’t have both the love meter and the pain meter running together.

  Who knew that by shutting off the tolerance for pain, love would appear?

  What I had to do was love myself enough to stop the pain.

  March 31, 2011

  ability, abnormal, cycle of abuse, endurance, love, pain, sufferning, tolerance

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• Strings to my Respond Ability.

  324 days have passed so far this year, and I have done yoga for 319 of them, and it has taken this long to wrestle free my backwards sense of Respond- Ability.

  I am almost 52 years old, and I am just now feeling to the depth of each cell that I have the ability to respond freely.

  That I have wiggle free and have sprouted a new sense of freedom that is as big as the Universe, like I have climbed out of a long long dark tunnel where I had little room to express my free will.

  The ability to be free to respond is the death of a victim and the birth of a survivor and even bigger than that, a second birth of me.

  A me that will stand tall and strong in my ability to respond, no matter what happens I can respond in kind.

  I didn’t know that feeling responsible for others and the feelings I was betraying them was a huge red flag waving inside of me, screaming…you are being victimized again.

  Each and every time I beat myself up inside for being irresponsible, it was wrong, I should have been cheering each and every time I had the ability to respond from the inside out, instead of pleasing the outside folks.

  This has to be my main vein and the toughest one to overcome, the ‘feelings’ of guilt when I did for me and not for them, when I responded to the voice inside, to the little girl’s spirit, to the essence of who I am.

  It was like there were dueling responses inside and one would affect the outside attention the other inside.

  I used to be whore for anyone outside of me, and I was bought cheap and sold my inside happiness for a smile and approval while inside the spirit of me shriveled up.

  What I also thought of today, is that I have been watching the wrong window, waiting for cheers from the people who are not cheering me on, while not paying adequate attention to the wonderful strong wise folks who are.

  Inside of me my responsibility thirst was seeking approval from the wrong side, and I failed to appreciate the loud cheers from those cheering on my little girl, by brave woman, my new self.
  The time has come to gather with like minds, join the spirits of those who know my journey and are walking with me and letting go of the sense of guilt that I wasn’t able to respond to their needs, for their needs are not mine to attend to.

  I love that I am allowed to just attend to me.
  I respond for just me.
  I act for just me.
  I move for just me.
  I dance for just me.
  I sing for me, talk, walk and be just for me.

  I am no longer a puppet on the string, a victim, where all my responses were for the one pulling on the string!

  No more strings to my respond ability!

  November 21, 2010

  ability, respond, strings, victim

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