What I think I have been doing in an odd way is by only looking at the criminal, I spared my ‘dad’.
By focusing so much on the criminal aspects, I negated joining them with my father. I left the father part pushed far away, in a spot where crimes can’t touch him.
I didn’t want my criminal to intertwine with my dad.
I didn’t want the combo, the molesting dad.
I wanted the criminal called Ray.
This is a reverse of what I did as a child.
The time has come to join the two together and make them one, a criminal dad.
Then I become the daughter that he hurt.
Not just a random girl, and he not a random man.
The two parts merge as one; the disassociation now associates with both sides of the same mirror, no more trickery.
I didn’t know that I had slipped the dad in a special spot, and only focused on the criminal, that I had still kept them separated inside.
In my heart of hearts, in the fiber of my being I had separated them and never spoke of dad crime, just Ray crime.
This is incredible to me that I had flipped and exchanged into my mental hiding spot, a dad.
I hadn’t brought them together inside of me for reconciliation.
Which is why in order to write a letter they will become one.
A criminal dad.
Even resorting to his given name or using the word father, removing the familiar comfortable name while addressing his crimes kept the dad safe inside.
I would not have known that I was hanging on to a dad inside, that I immediately changed his name when the crime came in, yet there is no way to quickly alter the mind’s beliefs and thoughts attached to him.
Now the time has come to drop the divider and let them hook up together.
A little girl sits with a criminal dad; there is no separation or pretend space he can sit in, nor I.
The restraining letter should have been addressed to my mom accomplice.
What I failed to realize is I was separating them inside by addressing them by their given names, so that I wasn’t saying my mom did this or my dad did that…I was making my familiar into strangers for the crimes.
This is unreal to me that I protected the child in me by not joining the two together, reversed from my childhood days, but nonetheless kept them separated.
Perhaps a letter addressed to Mom and Dad is what is needed, to speak my peace now standing in a spot where there is no veil between the roles of mom and dad and criminal and accomplice.
I never knew that you could do reverse disassociation, switching the good for bad or the bad for good, that the mechanism worked both ways.
A pocket of unreality. Where real could hide and not be seen by me.
I M Perfect lady 