My 40th yoga session followed right behind a two-hour Oprah interview with 4 sexual predators and a book I was reading called “The Flying Boy” by John Lee.
As I began yoga and on the Standing Head to Knee pose, as I went to pick up my left leg, which is weak and unbendable the thought came to me, “my feminine side was crippled or broken” and tears began to flow.
It was like my body felt relieved that I could acknowledge this. I felt such compassion for the wounded feminine parts of me as I lovingly stood there on one leg holding my left/feminine side.
This alone would be a huge gift on day 40, but on we go.
I get to the Balancing Stick pose and as I raise my hands above my head and I begin to breathe, another profound thought comes in, “I am only responsible for love and trust,” and again tears come and a huge lightness to my shoulders. As I was breathing in I was feeling only being responsible for bringing trust and love to my relationship with my abuser, my father.
I am innocent of being responsible or guilty for the abuse.
I then proceed to hold the pose of Balancing Stick for all but the last one, for on that one, again I was eager to tell you about this, and lost the connection.
Those are two gifts this yoga gave me today, the realization that my feminine side is damaged, but with good reason, and that I am free of carrying the weight of guilt and shame or blame. My shoulders literally felt lighter yet again.
As I went into the floor Separate Head to Knee, where my left hip usually screams, I told it, “it is okay I understand your hurt,” and I was able to do this without pain, not perfect, not farther, but with ease and more tears.
It is like I am recognizing the physical manifestations this body has held.
An overwhelming sadness came in knowing that I have lived so long without this side, this softness, this trusting openness, how hard and stiff it has left me, struggling to be stronger, tougher, when what I needed was to be more relaxed and soft.
Bikram is right, “you have no idea what yoga can do for you, Yoga makes you you.”
As one predator stated, “I killed the person she could have been.” And he is right. But they only win if we don’t bring her back! I intend to return to my full healthy loving trusting feminine self!
I M Perfect lady 