I backed away from people who hurt me, I retreated from untruths, receded from supporting religions, I moved from co-dependency, I pulled myself back from all the places that seemed to support dysfunction and it seems I landed in a corner with my back pressed against the walls of truth, and I now am standing alone.
Perhaps this is how we enter into Heaven, we come alone with our suitcases fully packed with our lessons, our truths spilling out, our journey’s pivotal moments all stacked up like final exams waiting to be scored.
Did I pass? Can I fail? How will I know?
Sometimes it seems that in separating my truth from fiction, I have backed myself right out of my life.
It is like I am at the end of my fictional life and a toddler in my new life.
Simultaneously dying and being born, grieving while celebrating, saying good-bye and saying hello, a stranger and a new friend all living as me.
It is like doing your own autopsy searching for the cause of death and witnessing your birth while being born, all at once.
My greatest challenge is to find a new place to stand without the exhaust fumes of lingering fears clouding up my new self.
To live fearlessly after knowing great fear, and not pack too much of the past into the present, be aware but not wary.
Just as horses where blinders to shield them from scary things, I wear blinders that seem to shield me from good things. I wear them backwards.
These blinders of immense fear stop me from seeing other alternatives.
A wise woman kindly suggested removing the blinders, and letting in a view from the side.
To see if perhaps there is a way to release the high emotions and find common ground where we are looking in the same direction but with two different sets of eyes.
Self absorbed and selfish, is wearing blinders. Even if the blinders are made out of fear, they are blinders nonetheless.
As a horse who has traveled so long relying on just one set of eyes, I am fearful in allowing others to see…with me or maybe for me.
And to take my eyes off my road seems careless.
Yet this one eyed view in a relationship, renders the other blind.
Fearlessly I will have to take my eyes off my journey and look into his.
And then perhaps when our eyes join together we will see a perfect view.
Like getting the perfect pair of glasses that correct the distortion in our eyesight.
I recall reading somewhere, that if two people are exactly alike as a couple, then one of them isn’t necessary. What I need isn’t someone who sees like me, but rather someone who sees what I don’t see.
It doesn’t mean I give up my view, but I include his, and perhaps then we can find a place where we can walk together seeing differently but taking the same steps.
I M Perfect lady 