I am in a book club reading Mark Nepo's book, "The Book of Awakening". It is written so that we read one reading per day.
Today's reading I love.
"So often we anticipate a reward for the uncovering of truth. For effort, we expect money and recognition. For sacrifice and kindness we secretly expect acceptance and love. For honesty, we expect justice. Yet as we all know, the life of experience unfolds with a logic all its own. And very often, effort is seen, and kindness is embraced, and the risk of truth is held as the foundation of how humans relate. However, the reward for breathing in not applause but air, and the reward for climbing is not a promotion but new sight, and the reward for kindness is not being seen as kind, but the electricity of giving that keeps us alive."
"It seems the closer we get to the core of all being, the more synonymous the effort and its reward. Who could have guessed? The reward for uncovering the truth is the experience of honest being. The reward for understanding is the peace of knowing. The reward for loving is being the carrier of love. It all becomes elusively simple. The river's sole purpose is to carry water, and as the force of the water deepens and widens the riverbed, the river fulfills its purpose more. Likewise, the riverbed of the heart is worn open over time to carry what is living."
"All this tells us that no amount of thinking can eliminate the wonder and pain of living. No wall or avoidance or denial- no cause or excuse- can keep the rawness of life from running through us. While this may at times seem devastating, it is actually reassuring, because while the impermanence of life, if fixed on, can be terrifying, leaving us preoccupied with death, the very same impermanence, if allowed its infinite frame, can soothe us with the understanding that eve the deepest pain will pass." Mark Nepo
What I love so much about this is that I used to live solely in the reward system…and yet the rewards were often times not forthcoming. I thought that I was giving wrongly, so I gave more and tried harder.
What I failed to realize is that the universal system had a logic all of its own…simply called experience.
I was so focused on my just reward and waited and fretted and worried and hated and judged and stressed, that I long forgot the feeling of the experience.
I lived, thought and acted all for a future reward.
I literally gave for love and acceptance. And when I stopped giving, the love and acceptance dried up. It was an awful way to be loved…for it all depended upon me giving and they didn't have to give, all they had to do was give me love and acceptance.
I have said I was a whore for love and peace…and this is what it literally means. I gave to get.
When the justice system failed me and all the girls who were sexually abused by my father, it seemed that the universal logic was broke.
Yet our honesty worked supremely well. We got to experience how honesty and integrity feels.
If we put our focus on the 'just' reward, we would be sorely disappointed. If you put your focus on the feelings and experiences of being honest with your past, it feels amazing.
I can't even begin to explain the difference between living in the system of rewards compared to living in experience.
To have zero expectations…
When you remove the reward, all you are left with is the experience.
And the experience is solely the focus.
As Eckhart Tolle says, there are only three ways to experience life…Enthusiasm, Enjoyment and Acceptance….He says nothing about reward.
I love that there are no rewards in living…that the gift is in the present!
I M Perfect lady 