In the past few days I have been tangled and untangled, in the present and in the past, with my mother and with my boss, young and then old, a child then an adult, feelings from the past trickling into the present, until I feel frozen in unknowing how to be, how to respond etc.
The overall feelings I have is being neglected and under the rule if you will or under the care of a self absorbed person.
My brother had me looking into The Presence Process book for a section he was curious about, and ironically or not, it was the words I needed to explain my past few days.
I was perfectly set up to revisit the environment and the nature of my relationship with my mother, how she acted and how I then felt.
It was so perfect, that even the home/office was falling apart and when my boss left the office she was replaced with a man who was irresponsible and a risk to be with.
The choreography of the Universe leaves me shaking my head in awe.
There is a line in the previous post that I took from the book, “An Unbalanced adult is an unattended child.”
Looking back at my childhood, if I were to put one word on how I felt, it would be ‘unattended’, and I was given a tour back there via my experiences at work in the past few weeks.
It’s re-creation was remarkable and my the feelings that surfaced were perfect little time travelers from the past.
The resemblances between the two women brought to me the exact emotions I needed to feel.
What kept me silent at work was that I was confused as to what now? I did question my boss about her choice making, and was met with defense, and even the defense was perfectly my mother.
Each time there would be one more item from the past that completed a perfect picture of the dynamics that create the atmosphere where a child is left to its own devices.
I could clearly see the shoes my boss stood in and why she made the choices she made, her inner constitution couldn’t take one more day in our office.
It mattered less to her the kind of individual she left in charge or who was under his care, what mattered most was her rest and her sanity, she fled.
And like my mother who ran away repeatedly in my childhood and in my teenage years she came back feeling better, not wanting to explain or hear my side.
Feelings of resentment of her being able to escape and me being left to deal were perfectly felt.
My mother left my father in charge, who wasn’t really a take charge kinda man, so I had to step up long before my age had this kind of responsibility tools.
So, not only were we left alone with a pedophile, we are left with me, a unattended child taking care of unattended children.
In a home that was falling apart or held together on a string, whose cupboards were lacking, mountains of clothes, piles of kids, endless disasters looming.
As I sit here today, I am still silent and feeling.
I know that the messenger/boss was delivering my past, that I am to feel my feelings releasing this fear of being unattended, and attend to me.
What I love the most is that at the end of the day it is now my honor to attend to me.
I am not stuck in the office, I am no longer a child, there are not children who are in vital need of care, I am not little girl who is unable to defend herself, it is not my worry if the furnace breaks or the water pipes freeze etc.
I am able to witness and now see the scene before me and not feel that I am responsible and unattended.
I am grateful for the set up for my boss playing the messenger, and for me being released from the fear of being left unattended.
Unattended.
Oh the ways I want to care for the unattended little girl in me…
I will attend to me.
I M Perfect lady 