What came to me today while mindlessly tossing mail, was that the reason I was so sorely affected by my daughter’s life, was that her life was in my life, that we didn’t have a clear and separate space between what is hers and what is mine, the apron string was still connected.
The impact upon my body and psyche was equal to it happening to me, where my inner wounded child responded, my ‘mental lady’ mom came out ready to fight battle, and the Loving awareness arrived all fully engaged in her life as soon as she spoke of her crisis.
What was so beautiful and tragically displayed were how all the parts of me felt and responded and finally released her to be on her own, a completely felt separation and liberation for myself but more importantly for her.
She was given her life without any strings attached to me.
While it was the hardest thing for me to do, to let my child go it was almost like a second birth, but this time a birth of freedom.
And a three-week labor of intense inner working and letting go.
As long as I feel the strain or worry of what her actions will be, there is a string attached into my world, and I have to snip it to let her be fully and completely free.
It is not to say, I will no longer give word of wisdom or point out what I see in reality, or how I see changes happening between her and I, I will. But the greatest thing is, that our bodies and psyches are separated.
It almost seems like this was my last co-dependent exam, a lesson with huge consequences one that my old co-dependent self would have longed to get wrapped up in like an old cozy blanket.
Yet this time it felt like I was being possessed by another’s life, that their choices had the power to make or break my life, take my peace, destroy my inner sanctity of love and joy and that I was once again riding shotgun in another’s life.
It was the ultimate life review of how it feels to be a victim in a co-dependent relationship.
When I look at my daughter there are no strings attached to my happiness or my unhappiness, instead I am sitting in a place of wonder.
I wonder what it is she will do.
I wonder how it will affect her.
I wonder, but my life isn’t totally eclipsed by her life, I feel space opening up and distance coming in.
A place where If she is to suffer, I can be there as the non-suffering one, we are no longer one big animal of two.
Today, I was listening to a CD by Sarah Ban Breathnach called, “Romancing the Ordinary.” What she is teaching and talking about is how to romance your self and be fully engaged and in love with you and your life.
It is simply delightful in the very simple ways we can look around where we are and see what is all there. How we can listen instead of just hear, how we can use all our senses to connect to the Universe.
I am thinking as long as I was connected to the lives of so many, there wasn’t space or feelings of my senses left for me to use in my life, for me to feel for me, to see for me, to be for me, for so long my life has been used by others.
Sarah spoke of the waiting. And in my case I have been waiting for my daughter to make a choice, breathlessly waiting, life stopping waiting.
What Sarah suggests is to make use of the time while we wait, while the Universe and her soul converse and decide, I can use this time in a million little ways.
While I wait, I can quilt, I can read, I can sit and watch the sunrise, I can sip tea and watch the fire, feel the warmth of a quilt, smell the scent of a candle, and the waiting will pass by…in delight.
I can’t know tomorrow or what or when or if, how her life will go, but I can get busy in my life while I wait.
I love this.
I already listened to a few CD’s while I waited.
I enjoyed a bowl of soup and homemade bread, while I waited.
I love that I am free to pass the time while I wait, instead of sitting and worrying while I wait.
What a huge gift to live my life while I wait to see what transpires in hers. When she needs me, I can stop enjoying the waiting and act.
I can’t tell you how this simple idea freed me or gave me permission to enjoy my time while waiting.
I M Perfect lady 