I M Perfect lady

The Cost of my Peace!

I finally figured out what I can’t accept in having to accept.

 

I can’t accept that someone can’t change.

 

And I guess that is not the meaning of acceptance.  I want acceptance with a clause.

 

I want to accept who you are, but that you can change.

 

This is incredibly insane. 

This isn’t acceptance it’s conditional acceptance.

 

It seems to be hopeless to accept others as they are.

I am not sure if you can follow this, but in my head it makes sense as to why I am forever waiting and hoping, for I believe to the depth of my being that changes are possible.

 

Even if the other person has yet to make one step, I am of thinking, ‘they can’.

 

Yet can they?

 

It almost seems like I have to become a pessimist or at very least, a realist and see who they are, not their potential with change.

 

Imagine, “their potential with change” that is so not accepting who they are in this moment, but dreaming and believing that who they are isn’t who they want to be.

 

Instead who they are ISN’T who I want them to be.

 

I want them to be different.

I want them to change to satisfy my ideas of what would make them a better this or a better that.

 

This is an ongoing problem with me living in the land of potential changes, instead of being real right now.

 

It is what it is.  I had said a million times.  But what I felt is, ‘it is what it is, until it isn’t’!

 

Living in a hopeful state that someone will change, leaves you feeling hopeless.

 

Somehow I have to work on accepting others not ever changing, and by seeing it is I with the problem, not them. 

 

They are quite happy being as they are.

As Byron Katie says, “who are you to ruin a good buzz, they are happy drinking!”

 

I am the one that struggles with accepting that they are okay where they are, that they have no thoughts of changing, and have told me so repeatedly in words, thoughts and deeds!

 

UGH.

 

This will sit with me today.

I accept who they are, but that they can change.

Which is totally counterintuitive!

 

I will only accept what is if what is changes!

 

It would be funny if it wasn’t such a tragedy and if it hadn’t cost me so much peace.

 

Believing in changes at the cost of my peace!

 

 

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bjukuri

Responses

  1. Jane Avatar
    Jane

    Dear Beth,
    I feel your pain and struggle. :(. I will continue to pray for you that you can find peace for yourself now. That is what is important. You can’t change anyone. They have to want to change for themselves. It is sad that they can’t see beyond their own nose, the hurt and pain. Or they know the pain and hurt inflicted but can’t accept bring themselves to admit to it, as it would be admitting failure and embarrassment. I recall an old man who would come to church every Sunday and ask the whole church for forgiveness for his sins. Only to find out that he was molesting his grandchildren. I believe that generation raised so strictly, felt they could do these terrible things and turn around and be forgiven without any regret, guilt or remorse.
    Please feel the huge Hug I’m sending your way. “Let go, let God.” He will find justice in the end.
    Love you Beth,
    Jane

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  2. Beth Jukuri Avatar
    Beth Jukuri

    Thanks Jane. Peace comes with understanding myself. And little by little I am learning how I am seeing things and wanting things that can’t be so.
    You are right that there are many religions and people in them, who believe, IF they ask for forgiveness than all is well. What they fail to know, is that by them being forgiven, it does nothing to our wounds, the child doesn’t heal by forgiveness. We heal slowly and over time. They (abusers) changed the person we could have been, our innocence is not to be gotten back. What we can do is change once again, into a person who knows her own inner self. I have heard that once ‘that a broken bowl that is glued is stronger’…and perhaps so are we! Thanks for responding and being you. It helps to know that there is someone reading and understanding me.
    The sisterhood of ladies!

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