I M Perfect lady

Inside of me resides the shadows of a very mental woman; she lurks in the background of my life.  I have worked very hard to keep her back there and not let her come roaring to the front wreaking all havoc.

When my children make choices that are not my choices, or what I would like for them, she is BEGGING loudly to get involved.

She would love nothing more than to toss a few choice words around, belittle, berate, and demean them.  She loves to rant and rave and direct others to do things to make her happy or feel safe or right or in control… she is the queen of all bitches.

My mind gets crammed full of what her desires are, she eclipses my present moment like a very dark cloud, her wants and desires are mostly her fears and they rain down within me.

I have to wrestle inside of me to shut her up.  To not weaken and let her have her way in my world, for when she does, it doesn’t come out sounding sweet nor does it fall gently upon my children.

For almost 7 years now, I have fought to gain a foothold in front of her, to shut my mouth and keep her inside, to face my fears of abandonment alone, to not let escape even one sentence of hers.

If she speaks, it is only to control others for her own happiness; she steals their lives and makes them her own.

My hardest walk ever is to be silent, to give my viewpoint and then let go.  To release each and every person, related or not, into their lives, no matter how their choices make me feel.

If my happiness is found by their choices, I am dependent upon them for my happiness.

It can’t matter a bit if I am sad, devastated, lonely, or unhappy.  My state of being is about me, not them.

If they make choices with a gauge on how it makes me feel, I am teaching them to be a co-dependent, and that their choices should NOT hurt others or make others feel bad.

That is how I raised my children until they were in their teens, and now I am teaching them the opposite. To do what they want, no matter how it makes me feel.

Instead their decisions have to be what they want and they are to be gauged by their own happiness not mine.

And the way I am teaching this is to let them make choices that fill me with fear, trepidation, anxiety, loss, etc.  I have to let them learn who people are by themselves.  I am unable to forbid them; I have to let them go.

My childhood home reflected the ways of the church, that our lives were not our own to live.  Our lives had to please and conform to another’s happiness or fall into the category of what a good Christian does and what a good child does.

When I sit with the thoughts still about how many are unable to move independently, I greatly understand, for I too used to live this way.  Frozen unable to move for the fear of wrath to go against the mainstream of how we were raised.

Unable to go against them for we are seen as bad and we fear that if we are bad enough, they will push us out and away.

How binding to live this way. To be too afraid to move knowing it is going against the ideals of people in charge.

As you sit, you teach your children to sit.

As you act to please others, you teach your children to give up their lives.

I know how hard it is to find a voice and use it that doesn’t match what others want or need. 

But the only way I began to live free of the mental woman inside of me was to go against all that I was raised to be.

To say and do things that make others unhappy for my own peace of mind, for doing what was right for me.

To speak of things I used to be silent about.

It wasn’t that I wasn’t afraid.  I was terrified, but I did it anyway.  Being fearless is knowing you are afraid, but doing it anyway.

As I see so many silently sitting and knowing…I wonder when they will decide independently, that now is the time to be fearless.