I M Perfect lady

Shattering Dream

While commenting back and forth with Lynn C. Tolson, the Author of "Beyond the Tears", on facebook, it came to me why folks support the Coach and the Organization and not the abused boys…they don't want to lose that which they are a part of.

Whether it is to be a fan of a winning football team and coach, or whether it be a family and father, no one wants to let go of that which they have looked up to, aspired towards, cheered on and been part of.

By looking at the abused child, you will see that your hero is a monster.

It isn't the pain of the child, it IS the pain of the dream dying.

Lynn asked on facebook, "Why is it so painful to support the abused children? Why, why, why (not expecting an answer). The topic of child sex abuse is so uncomfortable yet the victims live their entire lives in a world of hurt."

It isn't the child's pain we fear, but our own pain as our family dies, our team isn't as grand as we thought, or that the icon coach is just a normal man, who didn't want to turn in a friend, or who didn't want the public to know that it is as vulnerable to abuse as any other organization.

We fear our own losses so much that we will hold on to a false dream rather than feel it actually die.

In walkng face first into my greatest fear, I was able to then see the abused child. It seems we all have a choice in either holding up a dream or letting it die to save a child.

What very few can do is let go of their own lives in order to save a life of a child, to spare them the shame, guilt and blame of 'wrecking' the dream.

What hurt me the most, wasn't the rape of my father, nor even the image of him changing from dad to monster, but what hurt even more was being blamed for killing the family.

I wasn't rioting for his reputation…so it was seen as I was out to tear our family apart, when in fact all I was doing was standing by the abused children…the long list of girls who suffered under his hands.

I wasn't able to stand in a picket line supporting those who knew and said nothing, and I was seen as a traitor to our 'family'.

It wasn't my pain that they couldn't bear feeling, but they didn't want to feel the pain of losing a family.

We wonder why more folks are not lining up to give up the details of their abuse, it is to give evidence and facts that will tear apart their dream of family…

It isn't that we don't support abuse, we don't want to support the tearing apart families, religions and organizations. But if abuse is within, your organization is decaying from the inside out, and eventually, there will be no good there to hold it up.

Penn State has shown us it isn't the abuse that we can't bear to see, but the shattering dream.

Books, Current Affairs, Examples of an Imperfect woman, FALC

abuse, Beyond, broken, dreams, FALC, Lynn C Tolson, Penn, sexual, silence, State, Tears, The

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Responses

Carri

November 13, 2011 at 7:27 am

Wonderful post Beth. I completely hear you. It aswered many of my “why, oh why, do they SEE and not DO” questions. In fact I was just speaking of this to two of my cousins. They had told me our other cousins had to now know of their father’s abusing, they just really put a high value on “image” and particularly their “family’s image”. I have never been close to that family and couldn’t say for sure. I did say I couldn’t believe they would forsake their own children for it…but it looks like they may be spot on. Man that sucks. Thanks for articulating this for me.

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I M Perfect

November 13, 2011 at 9:48 am

Yes, each of us carry what we value, and it is hard to give up the family image, the father’s profile and change it out to something different, ESPECIALLY for one of lower value.
It is possible that you have cousins who were abused by him, and have disassociated from it….that they buried this so deep that they don’t have access to this memory.
This shutdown version of themselves is all they have ever known….and in order to see their father different, they first have to see themselves differently.
And how many folks are ‘Acting’ like their father is a pedophile? Are most not treating him ‘normal’? This is very confusing to say the least if you don’t have a memory and then no one else is treating him like a pedophile.
It makes more sense to me that the kids who have been abused by him are not saying anything, but it really puzzles me why those on the outside refuse to address him, report him, etc.
All it really shows me is that those who don’t report, also have something to hide or something they don’t want to lose….or see. It isn’t about the abused children, but about the lives of the silent ones.
Each person is silent for a reason. It has nothing to do with the value of the life of the abused child, they are worth less in comparison to the family, image, team, etc.

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Anonymous

November 13, 2011 at 11:42 pm

Beth are you assuming that everyone knows about this and chooses to do nothing? I have never heard of any of this before. Why would someone report someone that they know nothing of? Is it possible that the offense/offenses were in the past and isolated to the one who is now blogging? Perhaps that assumptions are being made about it continuing beyond then? (I’m not disallowing the possibility nor am I for hiding abuse if it were present) If anybody is not reporting anything why should anyone be turned in?
(I would like to be anonymous to this comment. Please don’t post this or remove this if it can’t remain anonymous.)

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I M Perfect

November 14, 2011 at 5:05 am

Anonymous, oh how I wish that even my case was just all there was, that it was not so wide spread as I am finding out.
The abused children, now adults, are not in the past, and not associated with ‘the one who is blogging now’.
The abuse is wide spread, and it is your resistance to even considering this or wanting to keep it to the one man who is blogging, the one man who sought treatment, the one man who is trying to change the legacy in his own family…..that keeps this tucked away.
What would it cost you to bring in what I am hearing?
What would it cost you in your life to know that your religion isn’t as
lily white as you want it to be?
It isn’t so much that you don’t want to hear me, you don’t want to lose your faith, which has stood for high morals and high values….
You don’t want to see the congregation as being not who they say they are.
For if you had nothing to lose, if I was speaking of another church, would it then matter as much?
I am not blowing this out of proportion I am actually only seeing the tip of the iceberg. We just heard of another strain…of abuse, another branch within the church. These are major names, related to everyone…..
I am more appalled than you can imagine. For our family alone was too much, my father’s abuse touched and damaged many lives.
I would never, not ever, take this lightly and make ‘assumptions’. However, I will not doubt a victims words.
I am not here to try and convince you or to change your mind.
I am writing to shine a light and you are a perfect representation of the blind.
Unbeknownst to you, you are sitting among MANY pedophiles and victims when you go to church. I know you don’t know, but I do.
Perhaps, you only will go on your own personal experience, you have no personal experiences and until then you will not believe.
I can’t change your mind…and it doesn’t matter to me. What matters to me is to open up the dialogue and for other victims to feel not so alone.
Many will say, ‘they didn’t know’ and yet I am out here telling you, but you don’t believe me. What will it take for you to believe?
Do you need to see the abuse in action?
This is the trouble with sexual abuse, it isn’t done in the Light of Day, you have to be willing to listen to victims. And yet, time and time again, we are faced with your flavor of resistance….insinuating that we are blowing it out of proportion and making assumptions.
Each time you doubt us, the pedophile wins.

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Anonymous again

November 14, 2011 at 7:06 am

I am just saying that I cannot report which I don’t know of or about. Not that I am against reporting. Nor am I trying to keep blinders in place as you suggest. I think that this is a good thing that you are trying to bring to light, that such events are evil and need to be dealt with if & when to the full extent. If this is true innocent lives are being affected by such evil and I am not against shining a light where it is. (even within the walls of any church including mine).
I also do have much respect for the one man who is blogging and I think that it is a good thing that he is. He is my first cousin although I am not sure that I have ever met him. I would like to be able to meet him some day and I hope that I will. I like him very much, I can see that he is a very genuine person from his writings.
Again I wish to remain anonymous.
And I am not trying to throw nails into your wheels.

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I M Perfect

November 15, 2011 at 6:14 am

Anonymous, you say you can’t report nothing if you don’t know of it….yet you do. You know of your family, your extended family…THAT is what I am talking about.
I didn’t know who you were, but now I know your bloodline, and it is in it.
I am not asking people to report ‘others’ just to be with their own family tree, to look at the branches there. To see the characters they live with, their experiences there.
You are related to the one who blogs, he IS blogging about abuse. It IS in your family.
I am not putting nails in your wheels, they are already there.
When you commented, you acted like you KNEW Nothing…you do know something. You can tell others, we have abuse in our family tree, it is infected by dysfunctional behavior. That is telling.
You now know it is running in the family bloodline, so now you can watch for Adults who have Child Friendships, and don’t have adult ones, who are surrounded by children or ‘come alive’ when a child enters the room….or notice how some children respond in fear or back away from him/her.
It is hard to spot ‘different’ behavior in family, for we are used to their quirky ways. But, if you are looking for signs of abuse, instead of signs of ‘family’ you will see it.
My father, WANTED Sunday dinners. A man who didn’t cook otherwise, would make a meal to BRING in the granddaughters. He was vigilant on this. He molested his granddaughters on Sunday.
When you look for signs and opportunities you see them. You can also NoT look and NOT see them.
What I know for sure anonymous, is that by remaining anonymous, I didn’t know you didn’t know. I am not sure why you need to hide.
Especially IF you didn’t know. It almost seems more reasonable to want to hide because you know.
But when I knew WHO you were, I knew you knew.
You know of it.

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Carl Huhta

November 15, 2011 at 9:58 am

WOW!

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Anonymous

November 15, 2011 at 11:24 am

Yes I do know of abuses in my family tree (from and through the extent that Jim has blogged thus far, and with past offense against another one of my cousins (upper Michigan). But I do not know of the many other offenders that ‘run rampart’ throughout our community. Or even wiyhin my family tree. I do not know that Jim’s past offfender (or offenders if that be the case) is continuing to offend to this day. I do not know that it continued to spiral out (I dont). That is what I mean when I say I don’t know. You give good advice of which to watch for. I have always been diligant with my kids in warning against offenders from when they were very little, even to the point to where they were perhaps timid of others.
Light should be shined on these offenders. It probably is difficult on many levels when making the decision to do so. Case in point being your ‘dad’ wow he should be in Jail. And the aftermath for your family is huge. Unbelievable. My heart aches for all that have to live with such turmoil and wade through such ‘stuff’.
I get the sense (from you) that because we (from church) are not lined up to persecute all the offenders that we are not being protective. (and in the past this was absolutely true as witnessed by your family and others). This was also true of many other factions and still is (recent sporting story) If someone is currently wrecking innocent lives and I know of it I will take a stand against it. I will. But I have to know of it first. I hope that others would too. I have hope that they will.
I have spoken about the offenses within my family tree to others (from my church) to the extent that I know of and about them. I have also heard that others are talking about it as well. I have hope that awareness is coming.
Still signed anonymous.

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Joshua

November 15, 2011 at 2:03 pm

Well anonymous, there are many offenders that still are offending to this day. You say you don’t know that Jim’s past offender is continuing to offend to this day? I was a victim of my uncle Eric. And I am healing and have taken the appropriate steps with the authorities. A second generation victim.
But by you warning against offenders, being cautious etc… doesn’t mean that they will stop trying to offend. And no, you don’t have to know of it first to do something. Why wait till the abuse happens to believe it goes on? Why not talk and preach on it at home & church to help prevent abuse from happening? You say you have spoken about other offenses to others? Do you know if steps were taken to start healing?
I think healing starts with being honest and true to oneself first. Most times that takes a lot of hard, painful work, but it is ultimately for the best for a healing path. I know it can be very difficult to be honest with family members, but only by talking openly and honestly can awareness happen.

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Anonymous

November 15, 2011 at 3:08 pm

You are right Joshua. And I thank you for shining light on your abuse. I am very sorry that you have to work through the pain of such a terrible event.
I thank you as I have not heard of other reoccurring offenses till now (from whom you spoke of and I previously). It needs to be in the open in order to have more people stand up for what it right.
The people that I have spoken to in regards to this have not been people who have been abused so there isnt a healing process for them in regards to this. I can say that with the information that has been shined so far (in regards to the people that I have spoken to about it) that is is believed to be true.
I would say that this may be a information gathering period for those of us that are just learning about it. AND reluctant to act without more information from brave people like you.
Joshua can I ask who your parents are? I’m am not familiar with all of my cousins children. (I am wondering if you grew up in cokato or Zion area or nether).
Again I am very sorry that you have had this happen to you. It is a terrible thing. I hope you find healing and whatever else you need to repair such injustus. (if it is even possible).
Again thank you for responding thusly.
Also I wasn’t warning about offenders being cautious ect. That was not my intention by commenting on this thread. I want to know if there are indeed continueing offenses. It should be enough to trust that someone says it is so but in reality to affect change actual proof is needed. (proof being people stepping up like you to say it is so)

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I M Perfect

November 15, 2011 at 4:18 pm

Josh, You are completely right, that healing can only happen when you are honest and true to yourself. It is by speaking out that stops abuse. And I know what courage it has taken to admit this and to go public. What I also know is that you are opening a door for others to walk through.
And each of us has to not only speak our truths, BUT we also have to alert the authorities….and you have done that. This is the only way abuse will stop.
Even when my niece spoke up, it certainly helped to have other voices line up behind her. To show the longevity and the history of who my father was. While it wasn’t something any daughter wants to do, it is the morally right thing to do in order to spare ONE child what we went through. It is the only way to stop this.
I called my friends, the ones who played with me as a child, to let them know that Please, now is the time to speak, to tell of what happened to you….and they did.
Josh, it is so hard to be the first one to speak out and yet you did.
It is an act of sheer bravery to let others know WHO your Uncle is.
Josh is telling you all WHO Eric Torola is, Believe him.
What the law needs is a child to press charges.
When one boy steps forth, there are certainly others to follow.
It is just a matter of time.
You all who are still in the congregations, in the church pews are the ones now in danger or your children are in danger. It is like the Penn State scandal, but You all now know.
This is one family, I know you all don’t like when I say, ‘just one’. But I will not lie to you. I will not put you in a false state of security, that isn’t so.
As you see Eric Torola, REMEMBER Josh. And sadly, there isn’t ‘only’ Josh.
In my father’s case, there wasn’t a girl in our neighborhood that WASN’T touched, nor any in my family.
Josh is warning you….Listen.
Thanks Josh for being so brave to stand up and speak….may your strength flow to others, may your example be the guidance others are seeking.

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amy byrne

November 16, 2011 at 1:23 pm

Wow, josh. I am so sorry that this happened to you. When anyone speaks out, says it outloud, or writes it..its like a slap in the face that I wasn’t expecting. It’s shocking. It’s eye opening. This happened, this is happening. If my hope is worth anything, I dearly hope that yours, Beths, carls, your dads, stories give one more person strength and courage to speak up and one more and one more… That this will stop. Like Beth said, to spare even one more innocent child from this. I’m thinking that maybe parents need to talk to their kids not only about how this is wrong, but how it is SAFE for them to speak up. Maybe it isn’t happening to their kids, but perhaps they have a friend they think it might have happened to. The reason my parents found out about my sisters was because one of them told one of their neighborhood friends when they were playing a game imitating people. That boy who my sister told, stopped it from happening again, to my sisters and anyone else, maybe even me!!!

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