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In my past couple of posts, I let loose my frustrations of how imbalanced it appears when you are trying to bring an end to an abusive relationship.  How it isn't just an easy exit.  Each party has Rights, and it seems at times, the rights of the one doing the abusing gets first pitch.  That we have to make sure, and then sure again…we have to have facts…and nothing but the facts. We have to have first hand accounts and they need to be impeccable….etc.

This is all to assure us that we too cannot be falsely accused.

However, there seems to be a fear that has stretched the reason way out of whack and that we need to move it back toward reason.  

While it truly does seem like the police are making darn sure there are no errors in the accusations, they are not quite intune with the lives of the victims. 

The fact finders and the ones carrying the wounds (facts) are often at odds.

How can we build a bridge of trust and truth seeking?

How can we enter into a relationship between the abused and the ones helping?

How is it that the two sides who need to meet in agreement end up often so far apart and part in anger, frustration and helplessness?

Is it possible that there is a role for mediators?  Someone who can dial back the emotion as well as put some caring and hope in the law of the land…

In Dial Help, I heard that the police deal with offenders so much, that they often can't switch when dealing with victims and end up treating them like offenders. For oddly enough, the shame and guilt that victims often carry resemble the same postures of offenders.

Even if the guilt and shame are groundless in victims…their body language and verbal content still reflect guilty actions. 

A middle person who understands and can advocate for the victims is needed from the git go.  Not only to help the victim, but to be a reminder to the police that they are not offenders…even if their guilt and shame vibes are present.

The complications of abuse and the pathway out is riddled with pot holes.  

The intent on both sides is to stop abuse.  But, somehow each side is falling short. It is my humble opinion that the two sides must work together to double team the abuser. 

For the abusers are lanquishing in the trials and tribulations as they witness the struggle for the two sides to work together in harmony.

Each time the two sides fall away in distrust and weariness…the abuser wins again.

How can we manage to eliminate the holes and begin to create a foundation where abusers will begin to fear?  With people in place that can make the transition seamless filled with the facts and first hand accounts that CAN be used in the courtrooms….and courtrooms that are willing and able to prosecute.

By ratcheting up our frustrations and pointing fingers and blame, we will end up fighting among ourselves and taking our focus off the abusers, and what needs to be done to get them off the streets.  

What we are finding out already is that there is very little communication or sharing between the "helping" agencies.  Where victim advocates are not offered at the police stations. Why is it that immediately, they are not assigned someone?  Shelter homes are not lending resources about advocates either?  It seems that the victims are being victimized by the separated agencies not willing to step on toes or share information.

Perhaps there needs to be a third party. A separate impartial string, that can dangle in all of the agencies.  A rope that will lead the victim to each new helping place…with a list of what to expect, what is helpful, what is the best prep in order to fulfill what the laws of the land need.

A laundry list of crucial points…because now it seems that the abused parent is learning as she goes…by what appears to be too late and not quite enough.

How is it that we are not clearly educated on this stuff?

How is it that we all know about fire safety, but we don't know what are the crucial points in exiting abuse?  

In order for abuse to begin lessening, we have got to form a tighter group.  We need the law to recognize the NEEDS of the victim and make sure that they are not alone.

We tend to think that victims are supported when their families are pulling a tight circle, but we fail to acknowledge that most families have no clue as to what to expect, what is needed and what is helpful, for they too are first timers in the sea of turbulance of finding out the truths about their children and grandchildren. Emotions are running high and often out of control, trying to stop the leak that has been going on far too long.

Advocates that can calm the waters and offer helpful ways through….are needed.

We all need to recognize that we are on the same team…and we all play a key role, but we need to tell each other what those needs are.  It seems now that there are many individuals….but no team.

We are all on the same side….trying to stop evil.

As I witness a mother try to exit an abusive marriage, keep her children from her abusive husband, the general theme seems to be, Prove It. Show us beyond a reasonable doubt that things are not pleasant. 

The burden of proving is hers.  The abuser doesn't have to lift a finger in his defense for the laws of the land and the agency policies are there to protect his innocence, repeatedly.

Not only is it her burden, she has to follow the guidelines already in place…she has to match this unmarked path perfectly and no one tells her what she needs to do, BUT are Crystal CLEAR about what SHE is doing wrong.  

She is not meeting the standards that the prosecution finds comfort in…the three victims to step forth did not do their job 'good enough' so…Nope, he will not bring this man into his courtroom.  Not good enough.

The Child Protective Services are not quite sure all the evidence of abuse IS A CLEAR picture of an abusive father….you need to bring more clearer evidence.

Do they not see what they are asking and what it means to be told repeatedly that what you see, what you hear and what you your self have experienced is not being accepted? 

They will not take a chance stepping on the toes, 'innocent toes' of the abuser, while they have no troubles what so ever to trample on the painful experiences of abuse when they say, "not good enough".  

It almost seems that they need to have a movie of the actual abuse taking place…and then, they would find a rule that would eliminate that as not being admissible for evidence.

It is like the mother is in this insane game….where she is unable to connect her voice, her evidence to the right agency or lawyer or law department that will then MOVE on this abuse.

What I see is her trying extremely hard going against the odds that are stacked in her abusive husbands favor…and no one will intervene.

No one will take the rope from her hands.  No one will step forth and say…"You have done your due diligence, we believe that he is the monster he is, we will make sure he never touches another soul."

This is what we all believe that the Law and Child PROTECTIVE Service agencies will do. But, they don't.

They don't move a muscle.  They just keep gathering more infor and then they say, nope not good enough.  We need this and we need that.

Do you know what the this and that is?

They need more evidence.  How do you get more evidence???

Oh yeah, that is right.  YOU LET the abuser have more visitation rights.  You wait for him to break into your home again.  You wait and you gather more evidence BY being a victim yet again.

Would one of the police officers, one of the 'child protective service' people and the prosecutor do what they are asking her to do?  Have any of them actually walked this steep mountain out of abuse?  Have any of them felt the powerlessness of abuse, ONLY to be powerless again to stop it?  Is it their child who has to return yet again to 'visit' his abuser. 

When abuse happens in the home, I am not sure what it will take to stop it.

Getting out means nothing.  Getting out means you now have the Law, Child Protective Services and the Court ALL WATCHING the abuse continue.

Who can stop this?

What is the answer?

If the mother refuses to 'let' her child go, she stands in contempt of the court. 

Imagine ALLOWING your child to be abused IS being in contempt of the court.

You would think that NOT ALLOWING your child to be abused is what a good mother would do….but, all the 'help' agencies, law and courts make you send your child back to your abusive husband.  They make you.

I am not certain if pockets of communities work this way, but it sure seems that our town does.  We have evidence of it doing just that.

When a nonabusive parent is not able to stop her child from being in the presence of his abuser…we cannot call our selves a civilized society.

We are a society that is not protecting the children.

We are a society that has made the climb out of abuse so steep and littered with red tape that it is not possible to exit.

Our society matches the insanity of the abuser…and what makes it worse, is that heads nod in agreement, but then they check their paperwork and shake their heads and drop their hands…muttering, "There is nothing we can do."

What I had thought was that the FALC was a huge hurdle, but it is only one of many.

What we need to find out is what is the perfect thing abused women NEED in order to climb the mountain in the shortest amount of time and that will enable her to keep her children safe….and then we need to share this information. We need to arm ourselves with what is needed to successfully exit abuse.

For now as it stands.  The abused are being kept in the dark. And it seems that most agencies are protecting the 'innocence' of the abuser and not the innocent child.

It weighs heavy upon me to see the lack of care, concern and movement to save a child.  

The insanity of a civilized society and its rules, is it ties the hands that are suppose to protect the children…while keeping abusers free.  Tell me how this is sane?

How is it okay when a mother is unable to keep her children out of the hands of her abusive husband?  How is it that he gets to be 'innocent' until proven guilty, when evidence has been gathered…stories have been told.  Do most know that it is very very seldom, a very small percentage of the time is a lie told about abuse…and yet we are acting like every child is a liar.

Children do not even know about sexual behavior and yet we are acting like they have an adult mind….they don't. They are being abused with adult behavior that they can't make up, for it is beyond their experiences.  And, they don't want to talk about it…for it is not comfortable to endure let alone speak of it….and yet they do. And, then we doubt them.  Come on people!

How is that we have lost the common sense, that we have given up the rights of the innocent to protect the rights of the abusers?

How is that we would rather fail and let a child endure more abuse, than face the slim chance of false accusations?  

How is it that a prosecutor can look at different people reporting the same sick treatment from one person and act like there is not enough to make a case.

Our prosecutors have lost their common sense.  They are willing and very able to look away from countless cases of sexual abuse.  They are looking and then NOT doing a thing.

How is it that we have fallen down under the weight of laws and rules that paralyze the normal folk from being able to protect a child and we are okay with it???

What I have found, it was that the abuse was so hard to imagine, BUT rather the way our laws, courts and agencies are so tied up THEY can't do one thing to help a child.

Imagine, there are rules that will not allow them to use their own common sense.  It isn't that they don't believe the stories being told or the evidence being gathered, BUT none of it will float with the rules and laws.  

All who have encountered the pleas of a mother and her children Do Believe…but few can raise a finger to help.

The greater feeling of being helpless outside of being abused…is when you try and stop the abuse from happening and can't.

It is like being a victim of society and its rules.  Being a victim of an agencies red tape. Being a victim of the prosecutors busy schedule and it is Election time…Being a victim…while trying to not be a victim anymore.

How is it okay for us to abuse the victims who step forth?  Who are trying like hell to protect their children. They couldn't stop it in the home, in the confines of their marriage and family, and now that they have dared to get out….no one is standing there who can help?

The general public has nothing to offer. Nothing but empathy…a hollow sorry.  

Really?  

What makes a person almost go insane is the amount of folks who know….and do nothing.  We are all guilty of knowing and doing nothing IF we don't change how sexual abuse cases are handled. We are all guilty of not protecting the children, while we allow these insane rules stand.  

Common sense has to be returned to the land.  

If our laws are not protecting the innocent, whose laws are these?

Maybe it is time we no longer are okay with agencies whose funding is for protecting the children and it is spent on keeping the abuser innocent.

The tide has to turn or evil will prevail.

All it takes is for a few good law abiding citizens do follow the rules….rules that we all know are insane. Some sane person has to start the ball rolling to change the rules.