I M Perfect lady

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  • Grace of Truth

    One factor in abuse, is that many are taught the wrong definition of "Unconditional" love.  Here is what Mark Nepo says about that.

    "Unconditional love is not so much about how we receive and endure each other, as it is about the deep vow to never, under any condition, stop bringing the flawed truth of who we are to each other."

    "Much is said about unconditional love today, and I fear that it has been misconstrued as an extreme form of “turning the other cheek,” which to anyone who has been abused is not good advice. However, this exaggerated passivity is quite different from the unimpeded flow of love that carries who we are."

    "In truth, unconditional love does not require a passive acceptance of whatever happens in the name of love. Rather, in the real spaces of our daily relationships, it means maintaining a commitment that no condition will keep us from bringing all of who we are to each other honestly."

    "For example, on any given day, I might be preoccupied with my own needs, and might overlook or bruise what you need and hurt you. But then you tell me and show me your hurt, and I feel bad, and you accept that sometimes I go blind to those around me. But we look deeply on each other, and you accept my flaws, but not my behavior, and I am grateful for the chance to work on myself. Somehow, it all brings us closer."

    "Unconditional love is not the hole in us that receives the dirt, but the sun within that never stops shining."  Mark Nepo "The Book of Awakening"

    The FALC, preaches "forgiveness of sins" in a way that is strikingly similar to the messed up unconditional love Mark speaks of.  The reason that sexual and physical abuse is so prevalent in the church is that the women and children (or the abused) are taught it isn't loving to have conditons.  

    What seems insanity is what they call loving forgiveness.

    They are taught, there is no sin too great to forgive. You are to grow your love to encompass all madness and abusive behavior. The bigger the mess the more you have to expand your love to enfold it.  And if you can't, you are weak of faith.

    You are not loving enough, good enough, trying hard enough….etc.  NOT, that the EVIL is evil and you can't be loving enough to change it. 

    Women who are taught to be loving and kind to evil is how evil gets passed on.

    Teaching women who have had no boundaries to start standing up is very risky as well, but I can feel the restlessness and when one makes it out, others will follow.

    Tom Rosemurgy and Dial Help are two places where these women can go…

    I see the overview of the church as an incredible nest of evil and those who were taught to tolerate and love it.

    The sheer volume of women and children who allow and agree to being treated poorly in the name of love and Jesus is mind blowing at best.  Who in their right mind would believe that Jesus would bless this evil?

    Mind controlling love is the only way this evil will survive.  

    I am hopeful, that there has been a leak in the system. That the new generation of women are stirring, that they are bolder, stronger and will not lie down in god's peace…but will rise and fight for themselves and their children.

    The way sexual abuse and evil have been protected in the FALC, makes me shudder and grow cold.  The complete opposite of what many believe…the church to be.  There  is no peace of God in there.  None. It is the play ground of the devil…where love is stolen to support evil.

    I feel the foundations are beginning to crumble…we are no longer silent about the treatment…and more importantly, the forgiveness of sins is failing miserably.

    It is taught, that you can't get to heaven until you have your sins forgiven….what they really are teaching, is that evil needs to be forgiven.  Evil needs to be washed clean, time and time again…and it needs the women and children to do this.

    I feel the women are tired.  The pain has had its toll. The inner stirrings are growing stronger than the 'faith' in unconditional love. 

    I am hopeful, that one by one the numbers will grow and expand.  It will be a split like this church has never seen.  This time they will be leaving, not to find a new religion, but to end to abuse.

    Women will be leaving hell holes of god's peace…into the Grace of Truth.

    (I use a small g in god's peace…for this is the private hand shake among the FALC, and I feel there is no peace of God in that church.  Not in the evil doers, nor in the ones who suffer beneath them.)



  • Extreme was Normal.

    In Michael Singer's book, "The Untethered Soul – The journey beyond yourself" he writes about balance or how it is to live in the extremes.

    "The more extreme you are, the less forward movement there is. You carve a groove and you get stuck in it. Then there’s no energy moving you in the Tao; it’s all being spent serving the extremes. The Way is in the middle because that’s the place where the energies are balanced. But how do you stop the pendulum from swinging to the outer edges? Amazingly enough, you do this by leaving it alone. It won’t keep swinging to the extremes unless you feed the extremes with energy. Just let the extremes go. Don’t participate in them, and the pendulum will naturally come toward the center. As it comes to the center, you will get filled with energy. This is because all the energy that had been wasted is now available to you." 

     "If you choose to center and not participate in the extremes, you will come to know the Tao. You don’t grab it; you don’t even touch it. It’s just what the energy does when it’s not being used to swing toward the extremes. It finds its own way to the center of each event that takes place in life and remains quietly in the middle. The Tao is hollow, empty. Like the eye of a hurricane, its power is its emptiness. All things swirl around it, but it is unmoved. The swirl of life draws its energy from the center and the center draws its energy from the swirl of life. All these laws are the same— in weather, in nature, and in every aspect of your life." 

    "As you center by not participating in the swings, the energies will naturally find their balance. You will become much clearer because so much energy is flowing up in you. The experience of being present in each moment will become your natural state. You won’t be fixated on certain things or caught up in thoughts about the opposites. As you get clearer, life’s events will actually seem to unfold in slow motion. Once this happens, events will no longer seem confusing or overwhelming, no matter what they are."  Michael Singer

    I completely understand this, how those who care less, have the most power, for they are not worried about taking care of the extremes.  He gives an example…

    "Basically, you waste tremendous energy at the extremes. The more extreme it is, the more it becomes a full-time project. For example, the relationship in which you insist upon being together all the time would be a full-time job. The only way you could have another job is if you both did the same work at the same desk. At the other extreme, if you had no relationship and you were lonely and depressed all the time, you couldn’t accomplish much. So again, it takes all your energy to do the extremes. The inefficiency of your actions is determined by how many degrees off-center you are. You will be that much less able to use your energy for living life because you are using it to adjust for the pendulum swings. Extremes are good teachers. When you examine the extremes, it’s easy to see the effects of imbalanced behavior patterns." Michael

    This has got to be one of the hardest things I had to learn…for lived in the extremes…either caring too much or not at all…to find the spot of it not mattering either way, but yet being in power of myself was an extremely hard to do.  I literally had to talk myself off of the extreme ledge.

    And, more importantly come to believe in the middle.

    It seems insane that I had to convince myself that being safe in the middle of empowerment of self was far better than living on the edge feeling control by the virtue of being at home out of control.  I know that this is a confusing sentence, but then so was my life.

    My power now is when I am not wanting anything too desperately.

    I can't care too much and I can't complete give up….instead I live in the middle and wonder which way will the Universe play this out.

    I have to be in the game, but not betting on either end.

    I live mostly in the center.  There are times, when I scurry to the edge and want to camp there, but I feel so yucky feeling so powerless and pathetic….so I I let go and bounce back to center.

    It is such an interesting dance once you understand the difference of how it feels inside to want something so desperately and being so powerless to do anything….it is then, you have to let go.

    Amazingly letting go immediately takes you back to the middle of "it can't matter" and that I will be okay, NO MATTER which way it goes.

    I know that when the stakes are the highest, when you believe that your life will either be worth living or not worth living, it is then you have to let go.

    I had a saying I used to fool myself…I would say "for now".  I will let them go for now…but not putting the tag of "forever" on the end.  I could always let go for a few minutes, a few hours and eventually for days, weeks….and years.

    My life would be one big sob, if I still lived on the extreme ends.

    I have learned by sorrow to stay away from the edges.  It seems that insanity lives on the edges and in the middle is a balanced life.  A life without preferences.

    I had to remove what I wanted…

    I had to accept what was.

    I didn't know how I would live away from the edge, for the edge held my old life.

    When you think about abuse and cult like religions….they both are extremes.

    I was raised to feel extreme was normal.  

  • Women’s strength!

    ‎"WIND is like a Well. Sometimes we come to fill it up….and other times we come to get filled."   An-Gel Kenneally

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    I love the creativeness that flows.  How a room full of white paper is transformed.

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    How each drawing has come from the arms of a woman…her imagination, her dreams, her desires; an expression.

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    Hands moving…creative space opens, Life stops…the future stretches.

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    All come and change the shape of today…for a brief moment the outside world disappears and then appears in art.

    I come away knowing WIND works.  

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    Art works.  Life has darkness to build us into strong empowered self loving souls.

    My heart.

    My Soul.  

    My intention is for no woman to walk alone.

    For there to be a lighted path, a strong advocate, a compassionate law person, a mentor, a friend, a community that supports the courageous who aspire to change direction in their lives.

    For there to be a recess place, a playground opportunity to ignite the soul, to tickle the spirit.

    A meeting place to refuel, connect, inspire, imagine….a new direction.

    Women In New Directions…is born.

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    Thanks to each who came and filled the well….and for those who came and drank!

    An artisian well of women's strength!

     

     

  • Believer of Reality.

    In the past few days, I have been wondering about the way people do not see other people, perhaps they hear their words, but totally let words eclipse an action…or let a label cover up all awkward and often hurtful actions.  How our minds love to create a different image than what is before us.

    Dr. Maya Angelou said, "People show you who they are, believe them the first time."

    The first time someone does something that is off key or not right, or goes against who you thought they were, BELIEVE the action…And change the words about them.

    When you don't believe it and go back to your original thoughts about who they are, you are willingly allowing them to hurt you.

    Yet, here is another huge pothole.  We have been taught as little children "If you dont' have anything NICE to say, say nothing at all.  We are not taught to see reality, we are taught to overlook the bad stuff.  It is seen as not nice to notice someone behaving badly.

    And then the good ole church, erasing all the negative behaviors by the WORDS spoken.  Leading us to believe that the words are more powerful than any action.

    Within the pews of the FALC, are abusers sitting in the lap of never being held accountable, for they are relying upon the good 'graces' of the abused.  "Bless me" will return the monster back into a husband, father, brother etc.

    However, sitting next to them in the pews are very damaged abused folks.

    The blessing does nothing to erase the trauma suffered by the 'sin' of the abuser.

    "When People show you who they are BELIEVE them.  Blessing away, trying to erase the action in your mind.  Trying to 'forgive and forget' will not ease the trauma suffered, OR stop the abuser.  

    Changing our minds about an action seems like first grade…but it is much harder when in our lives, we have lived by the premise that the mind can make corrections in reality….when in fact REALITY cannot be change.

    Which is why I so love the definition of forgiveness that I learned from Martha Beck. "Forgiveness is giving up all hope for the past to have been any different."

    It is about getting your mind to give up hope for a different outcome.

    I had to give up all hope of my father being a loving kind man.  He is evil.

    He hurts little girls.  I have forgiven him, by not expecting him to be any different than he is….My mind is at one with reality.

    "When people show you who they are, Believe Them.  Don't rush to your mind for a kinder definition.  Don't try and make them into something that they can't be. Don't try and fit an evil man into a kind label of father, let the actions rule.

    Most people will show you who they are, in time.  You have to always be willing to change your mind, when people change their actions.

    Holding out hope, and clinging to the image in your mind, is hopeless.  

    I have lived in insanity where I wasn't at all with the actions of reality and I have lived directed by actions only…the words became faint and meaningless.  Of the two ways, reality is much easier to navigate.  And, it leaves each to their own lives and responsible for their own actions.

    In a dysfunctional home, it seems most of our lives are made to cover up the evil that lives there. It is a mortal sin to expose the evil.  What holds most dysfunctional families together is the cover up…yet the whole while they are working to make the top look good, the evil is flowing into the next generation.

    In all abusive situations, the family is the biggest contributor to evil not being seen, heard or addressed.  Evil wears the label dad. Evil is to be blessed.  Evil is not spoken about.  Evil is not allowed to be in your mind. You are not allowed to change the file father and put in monster.

    It is incredible, the amount of so called intelligent people who will not stand in reality and call a thing a thing, as Iyanla Vanzant says.  

    Call a thing a thing.

    Don't call a pedophile a dad.

    The thing that screws with the psyche is this inability to see reality and to change your mind.  The mind refuses to change.

    Or, you refuse to change your mind.  For if you change your mind, you will have to change your life.  

    When you call a thing a thing, you will then be headed down a new road.

    One, where many may not follow.  

    For when you discover the Mental Mind that hasn't been calling a thing a thing, you will discover plenty of insane beliefs. Beliefs that you built a whole world around.

    Once you see the insane mind looking like a fool against reality, you have woken up.

    "When People Show you Who they ARE, believe them the first time!"

    I am a believer of reality.



  • Believer of Reality.

    In the past few days, I have been wondering about the way people do not see other people, perhaps they hear their words, but totally let words eclipse an action…or let a label cover up all awkward and often hurtful actions.  How our minds love to create a different image than what is before us.

    Dr. Maya Angelou said, "People show you who they are, believe them the first time."

    The first time someone does something that is off key or not right, or goes against who you thought they were, BELIEVE the action…And change the words about them.

    When you don't believe it and go back to your original thoughts about who they are, you are willingly allowing them to hurt you.

    Yet, here is another huge pothole.  We have been taught as little children "If you dont' have anything NICE to say, say nothing at all.  We are not taught to see reality, we are taught to overlook the bad stuff.  It is seen as not nice to notice someone behaving badly.

    And then the good ole church, erasing all the negative behaviors by the WORDS spoken.  Leading us to believe that the words are more powerful than any action.

    Within the pews of the FALC, are abusers sitting in the lap of never being held accountable, for they are relying upon the good 'graces' of the abused.  "Bless me" will return the monster back into a husband, father, brother etc.

    However, sitting next to them in the pews are very damaged abused folks.

    The blessing does nothing to erase the trauma suffered by the 'sin' of the abuser.

    "When People show you who they are BELIEVE them.  Blessing away, trying to erase the action in your mind.  Trying to 'forgive and forget' will not ease the trauma suffered, OR stop the abuser.  

    Changing our minds about an action seems like first grade…but it is much harder when in our lives, we have lived by the premise that the mind can make corrections in reality….when in fact REALITY cannot be change.

    Which is why I so love the definition of forgiveness that I learned from Martha Beck. "Forgiveness is giving up all hope for the past to have been any different."

    It is about getting your mind to give up hope for a different outcome.

    I had to give up all hope of my father being a loving kind man.  He is evil.

    He hurts little girls.  I have forgiven him, by not expecting him to be any different than he is….My mind is at one with reality.

    "When people show you who they are, Believe Them.  Don't rush to your mind for a kinder definition.  Don't try and make them into something that they can't be. Don't try and fit an evil man into a kind label of father, let the actions rule.

    Most people will show you who they are, in time.  You have to always be willing to change your mind, when people change their actions.

    Holding out hope, and clinging to the image in your mind, is hopeless.  

    I have lived in insanity where I wasn't at all with the actions of reality and I have lived directed by actions only…the words became faint and meaningless.  Of the two ways, reality is much easier to navigate.  And, it leaves each to their own lives and responsible for their own actions.

    In a dysfunctional home, it seems most of our lives are made to cover up the evil that lives there. It is a mortal sin to expose the evil.  What holds most dysfunctional families together is the cover up…yet the whole while they are working to make the top look good, the evil is flowing into the next generation.

    In all abusive situations, the family is the biggest contributor to evil not being seen, heard or addressed.  Evil wears the label dad. Evil is to be blessed.  Evil is not spoken about.  Evil is not allowed to be in your mind. You are not allowed to change the file father and put in monster.

    It is incredible, the amount of so called intelligent people who will not stand in reality and call a thing a thing, as Iyanla Vanzant says.  

    Call a thing a thing.

    Don't call a pedophile a dad.

    The thing that screws with the psyche is this inability to see reality and to change your mind.  The mind refuses to change.

    Or, you refuse to change your mind.  For if you change your mind, you will have to change your life.  

    When you call a thing a thing, you will then be headed down a new road.

    One, where many may not follow.  

    For when you discover the Mental Mind that hasn't been calling a thing a thing, you will discover plenty of insane beliefs. Beliefs that you built a whole world around.

    Once you see the insane mind looking like a fool against reality, you have woken up.

    "When People Show you Who they ARE, believe them the first time!"

    I am a believer of reality.



  • A Sunday Full of Feelings!

    I have a blood clot in my varicose vein. On Tuesday, they gave me an antibiotic, due to the redness around it.  I proceeded to get very sick…a negative reaction to it.

    So, I did the other two things the Doctor wanted me to do, wear the tight stocking, and take an asprin a day.  He wasn't too concerned about it moving, since a typical clot in a varicose vein doesn't move, but over time goes away.  

    After the bad reaction, I didn't notice my leg, my belly was much more my concern. I was off of work, Wednesday and Thursday….went back for Friday and Saturday, for the doctor also said moving around was good for it.

    Then last night, the pain seemed worse and swelling came in. 

    So, this morning I called the ER, said to order up the Antibiotic, I was going to try it again.  I didn't want to Waste my one day off.  Well, about an hour a half later, I was back sick…and emptied myself out and shivered and knew this pill didn't agree with me. 

    When my body paused, I called the ER again, and had them order up a new pill….and headed back into town.   

    One thing I had planned on doing was have a family picnic up the bush, where Paul and Eli were making our winter wood. We have a pond in the back woods, a perfect location. 

    The picnic basket left here about two hours before I did.

    I drove into the clearing 


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    No wood makers…

    An empty tractor, silence…peace.


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    And then down the road towards the Pond… 


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    I heard music and laughter…the picnic was still going on…and found the wood makers in the middle of a Monopoly Game.  


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    I stayed awhile…enjoying the sound of family on a sunny afternoon.  Then, I had to head into town, my second trip, for another antibiotic.

    When I came home….Thinking the monopoly players would be working, and I was feeling somewhat better, I decided to grab some time to quilt.  

    I had left this lady on the ironing board last week, in a pile.  My leg disappeared as I began to quilt her down, infection gone!


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    Well perhaps not gone, but my attentions was elsewhere.

    I wonder if she will be holding something above her head…there is quite a bit of room there.  Oh well.  Her outfit went together so quickly…and I got the same excitement this week working on her as I did last week.


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    Here is a close up of her leggings!  Zebra prints, with actual zebras on them!


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    Incredible!  

    A Sunday full of feelings!

  • Living Things.

    In Michael Singer's book, "The Untethered Soul – The journey beyond yourself" he writes about death in a way that I have never heard before.

    "Let’s say you’re living life without the thought of death, and the Angel of Death comes to you and says, “Come, it’s time to go.” You say, “But no. You’re supposed to give me a warning so I can decide what I want to do with my last week. I’m supposed to get one more week.” Do you know what Death will say to you? He’ll say, “My God! I gave you fifty-two weeks this past year alone. And look at all the other weeks I’ve given you. Why would you need one more? What did you do with all those?” If asked that, what are you going to say? "

    "How will you answer? “I wasn’t paying attention… I didn’t think it mattered.” That’s a pretty amazing thing to say about your life."  Michael Singer

    Isn't it incredible when you see it this way?  

    It is amazing when you think of all the weeks and days we have had to live.  To do with this one life as we please.  

    Or have you not been free to live as you would like to live?  

    What is more scary to be in a life you don't believe in or to walk out of that life into the unknown?

    What would a life review look like if you had to take one today?  Would you stand by your life with full confidence you gave it your all, would you consider your life one that had great moments punctuated by peaceful enjoyment, offset by small journeys of hardship, back into new adventures; a growing work of art?  

    Would you see the growing sections and the places where you skipped a lesson and then had to do an even harder test?  Or would you see how fear stopped you from learning about life, expressing your feelings, spilling forth emotions messily, to maintain the facade of a 'regular' life?

    Are you passing the lessons or living a life of quiet desperation hoping for things to change, but NOT you.

    Today, as I sit here…I feel that I have lived two lives. One in compliance and one unruly.  

    I am in my unruly life.

    I love my unruly life.  

    My life of compliance was lived due to fear of not being accepted, loved or approved of.

    My life of being unruly means, I didn't care how my life felt to you…It only mattered how my life felt to me.

    Unruly on the outside means living a peaceful inside.


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    I had read somewhere long ago, that our insides should be calm like a mill pond. Mine are.  

    I am at peace with who I am…and how I lived. I did the best within each level of awareness I had.  And, when I knew better, I did better, as Dr. May Angelou says. 

    I am not done growing, the Death Angel has not arrived to give me my last week of life, so until then, I will live so as to not waste a moment.  I will strive to see as much as I can see…and do my life's passions…what makes my spirit come alive…filling my days full of artful things, natures things, family things, loving things, learning things, LIVING things!




  • The Pathology that Ends Abuse.

    What is the pathology of family and how is this passed on to each generation?

    I looked up the word, "Pathology".

    "The science of the causes and effects of diseases and Pathological features considered collectively; the typical behavior of a disease."

    "The process of defining a condition or behavior."  and "The study of the essential nature of diseases and especially of the structural and functional changes produced by them. 2. : something abnormal:

    The pathology of the family is the science of how it was created and how it functions.  The structure. The typical behavior.  And when abuse is handed down, how the abnormality was formed.

    Most define an abusive family and point at one character; a single person who is acting out evil thoughts.  What many fail to consider is that the abusers are typically in an environment that allows it.  There are many who support their evil actions.  The abusers are living in an evil friendly environment, otherwise, they would be asked to leave.

    The conditions and behaviors within a family are condusive to embracing evil…by the typical behavior or response to negative actions.

    The pathology of abuse is not confined to the perpetrator…but to the surrounding landscape of his or her relationships that allow this behavior to continue.  

    No boundaries to ward of evil behaviors.

    I have been extremely curious as to the character flaws of the many who knew and did nothing upon hearing that my father abused girls.  Its pathology is more confusing than that of my father.  

    My father is one of the low percentages of people who abuse as a result of being abused.  The rest of the folks don't abuse, but they don't see abuse.

    Say the percentages of folks who were abused in childhood are 10% will abuse, that leaves 90 % who will not perform evil acts, but they will not be able to ward them off.

    What I have experienced is this apathy…this frozen immovable nature of doing nothing when abuse enters a room, enters a relationship, becomes known.  Nothing. The reason abuse continues is not that the abusers are abusing, BUT that the rest are doing nothing.

    Nothing against abuse… but work to make a family a family by not looking at abuse.

    I am not sure I can articulate the insanity of the pathology of what keeps a family tree infected. It isn't that there is an abusive person sitting on the limb, but rather the rest are pretending it doesn't exist.

    And pretending is not even true. For they know it is there, but they will not respond to it.  And if they only quickly glance, they feel that they don't have to change one single thing in their lives.  As a brother-in-law said when he heard about my father…"He will not have the satisfaction of ruining my life."

    Is it really more powerful to not change when you discover abuse lives in your family?  This is what abusers pray for…for nothing to change!

    The greatest gift we can give all abusers is to do nothing.  To NOT allow them to ruin our lives, BUT instead go on and live AS IF NOTHING happened.

    I see this do nothing pathology as the strongest link in abuse being able to flourish, for there are no boundaries in its way.

    The pathology of my childhood was blindness where evil was concerned.  And blindness and deafness towards any mention of the unmentionable….abuse.

    Instead they speak louder of the family unit.  Sisters loving sisters….their reunions remind me of my mother's. Where two sisters never came. It didn't stop the reunions from happening, NOR did it stop the abuse.  By God, we have a loving family….look at the reunions, not who stayed away!

    Ironically or not, I have had two dreams of me, my mother, and a few sisters.  In the first one, I was trying to speak and warn them, to say what I know, and the words would not come out….but a whisper.  I was trying to speak, but couldn't catch my breath.  The second dream, I was clear and articulate and they would not hear me…they kept talking about things that I was not talking about.  I am telling them of children in danger and one sister wanted me to see her husband's truck.

    These two dream sequences artfully display my road. It takes great effort to talk against the majority, and, when I do, no one will listen, but instead try to divert my attention.

    Our pathology of abuse within the Huhta family continues…reunions of laughter, while abuse is allowed to run free. 

    My sisters tightening the bound between them…keeping family unchanged…being more powerful than the abuse that lingers is the pathology that is the perfect environment for abuse.

    I see them marching on as Doris did.  Bold, strong, determined to keep her family together, her brothers and her husband.  Knowing as I do, that her family had a pedophile or two in the mix….and, we know her husband.  She wasn't going to let their actions ruin her family.

    Her blindness was her strength…is what I had said about her.  This pathology is what she gave to my sisters.  

    They will argue and say I am being a spoil sport. They will defend the sisters, the family unit and in doing so pass on the pathology.  No abuser, or one speaking of abuse, will ruin their reunion!  No one can talk louder than their laughter.  

    I would have loved to talk to the Aunts who stayed away from my mother's reunions. I would have loved to know why?

    What I believe is that by dealing with the abuse, I will save my family.  Perhaps not my brothers/sisters and their children, but my own.  I will introduce them to the abuse that flows in our pathology. I will let them know when their actions mimic its insidious nature.  I will stand bold, powerful and strong as they work to eradicate its tendrils in their lives.  I am okay being on the outside of this pathology of doing nothing.  

    The pathology I want to leave my son and daughters is the pathology that ends abuse.





  • Avoid the Pain.

    In the "Untethered Soul – The Journey beyond Your Self" By Michael Singer…he writes about how our inside fears determine our life.

    "People end up using their relationships to hide their thorns. If you care for each other, you are expected to adjust your behavior to avoid bumping into each other’s soft spots. This is what people do. They let the fear of their inner thorns affect their behavior. They end up limiting their lives just like someone living with an external thorn. Ultimately, if there is something disturbing inside of you, you have to make a choice. You can compensate for the disturbance by going outside in an attempt to avoid feeling it, or you can simply remove the thorn and not focus your life around it. Do not doubt your ability to remove the root cause of the disturbance inside of you. It really can go away. You can look deep within yourself, to the core of your being, and decide that you don’t want the weakest part of you running your life. You want to be free of this. You want to talk to people because you find them interesting, not because you’re lonely. You want to have relationships with people because you genuinely like them, not because you need for them to like you. You want to love because you truly love, not because you need to avoid your inner problems."  Michael Singer

    If you really understand this, you will totally get why you are drawn to different folks, why you make the choices you make, depending upon the thorn you are trying to hide…and IF you have worked the thorn out, you truly can move around the planet without worrying about being hurt.

    We all know each others hot buttons, what we really are talking about is the inner thorn, the weakest part of the person, that they are protecting. Which then makes us only as strong as our weakest spot.

    It is amazing how we literally configure our life so as not to feel this inner pain…so the inner pain ends up leading our life, not us.

    I built a whole life upon keeping me away from my abuse.  Nothing was in place for me, the spirit of me, but all was in place to keep the thorn from being felt and known.

    My life reflected the very thorn I was trying to hide.

    It was beautifully displayed in its horrific darkness…from the family who didn't discuss deeply, to the church who forbid questions, etc. My very small narrow life was lived so the world didn't disturb the thorn.

    Hard to explain in a short blog post, but just know, that any free will or open mind or new way, freaked out the protector of the thorn.  I needed to be around other thorn protecting folks.  Folks who too, didn't want to dig deeper than the surface scratch, who cultivated friendships and relationships that would keep the thorn nestled in quietly.

    I couldn't be around folks who asked too many questions about my narrow ways, for even I didn't know why why why I had to be this way.  How it was imperative that I didn't stray off the narrow road of control.  

    Who knew that my thorn was the legacy of abuse, and the behaviors I lived by was hammered into me, to keep the thorn hidden and not poking out.

    Once, I have sat eye to eye, heart to heart, and felt to the depth of my soul, the pain of the thorn's content…I can now live my life free.

    There are no weak spots slurping up my life's choices.

    I am free to live life, not to live a life protecting the unfelt thorn.


    IMG_8581
    Moving my life by the music of my soul…dancing in love, peace and joy and not side stepping to avoid the pain.

  • Side of the Parent.

    I listened to Andrew Vachss and Oprah sharing each others thoughts about children who have been abused and what is helpful or not helpful to the child…as well as the abusers.  He is a lawyer who defends children for free. He funds this by writing novels.  I ordered his book, "Another Chance to get it Right."

    Today what I learned was that children will turn one of three ways after abuse; Inward against themselves…outward against society…or turn insane.  None of the three is a path of pure potential.  What our challenge then is is to turn back to being empowered with self pride and self worth. Instead of beating ourselves or others or just going out of our minds.

    He also stated that there are sick people who have thoughts about abusing children and then there are evil people who not only have thoughts about hurting children, but actually act upon it.  That part of the sexual gratification is to hurt someone.  It isn't a by product, but part of the main act.  It is required to have someone in fear and pain.

    He and I agree on the way most handle forgiveness of these evil folks…is when you forgive them, you are releasing them to hurt again.  This is not helpful.  It is not caring if they hurt another, just that you are safe.

    Evil folks know what they are doing.  If they say they are not aware, it is an outright lie.  The trade secrets of a abusers is to ask for US to forgive them…while they promise nothing.  No sorry, no "I will change and seek treatment" but rather they make us to do the work to restore their reputations….and we do.  

    He showed Oprah how she was part of the camouflage that protected her uncle, by not wanting to disrupt the family, and instead act normal. This is the exact behavior they depend upon to hide behind. You need to act normal so they can continue to prey upon the children. 

    What I have told so many members of the FALC, that while you look upon these pedophiles as normal, you are sending messages to the kids, that 'there is nothing wrong' with that man.  You are the camouflage he hides behind. You are shielding him!

    Andrew spoke of breaking the cycle of abuse by breaking apart the family. I agree.

    What he also brought to my attention is that people who have been abused will show outrage when hearing about another incident, but rarely show rage towards their own abusers.  He says, that until you are enraged at your abuser, you can't move on.

    You carry the weight of the rage within you.  I agree.

    I look forward to reading his book….

    He speaks from the viewpoint of the child.  Which I believe is the only way we will change the cycle of abuse.  No longer will it be politically correct to take the side of the parent!

March 2026
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