I M Perfect lady

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Love has no Fear

My journey of self exploration and discovery has unearthed a multiple of crossed wires and messy connections. It appears that I was wired all wrong due to both the cult like religion as well as abuse…leaving my perception of the world askew. Being a mother, my gravest concern was in how much of my programming was ingested by my daughters.

It isn't the physical act of abuse, but the screwy wiring that does the most damage.

How will untangling my wires straighten out my daughters? And will they each have to witness in their own lives the tangled mess of labeling what is good… bad and bad into good? Will each of them have to stand head to head with reality and have to work their minds to see the truth? Flipping it around and around like a rubic's cube.

I am struck how incredibly hard it is to be the first to see the family perceptions are worn backwards. How it is to be the first to awaken and look around….for others are seeing the world with backwards glasses and are not only content, but living in the lap of 'normal'… and safety.

I believe that the legacy of abuse isn't just passing on egregious acts of abuse, but also passing on twisted perceptions to our children.

Unless and until you have witnessed the contents of your mind being a complete representation of reality, you will not get this.

My biggest failure as a mother, was handing down wrong perceptions of reality.

Children come in with clear eyes and we cloud them over with a film of illusion…by coaching them to see the world through our eyes.

My children were raised to see one way…and now I have changed the way I see things. They now have a choice.

And, they will not know there is a choice, until they witness within themselves the horror of believing something to be good…only to find the shocking truth of what is really going on.

I do find comfort in a few things. One that I can see clearly…if not right away, I can usually find my way clear after looking upon a situation from many points of Light.

And the biggest thing is that I realize the condition of my children's minds and how they got that way. I understand them, because I understand me.

I will not blame them on their poor choice. I will see them making a choice based upon the wrong perceptions they were taught.

All I can do as a mom, is to point out the differences in reality. And leave the choice making up to them…and the consequences.

For what is even worse than the mixed up wiring in your mind, is living with the consequences of those backwards choices.

My mixed up mind made it okay to go to my father's home with my girls. A home of a pedophile…was Grandpa's house.

My mixed up mind felt at home in a cult.

My mixed up mind could not see itself clear of the mess…for the mess itself presented the hugest obstacle.

At times I feel the weight of all I taught so wrong…and at others feel great gulps of relief, knowing I am now able to help my children see…if and when they find themselves lost in-between reality and my old mind.

The old saying "When the bird and the book disagree….believe the bird."

When reality and your mind disagree…believe that which you can touch and feel…and see without effort, without struggle.

Reality in the raw doesn't need a belief or a thought to keep it standing up. It stands on its own unaided…without words.

Truth is hard to see when your mind has had you convinced it is good. It will change to bad.

My father's behaviors, his life, his history was completely eclipsed or overturned to be something the polar opposite…as did my mother's.

Reality has stood the test of time. It continues to reflect itself in the lives of my father's children and their children.

The legacy of not seeing clearly is how abuse slips undetected or is called Love and family.

Missing reality, missing the mark,is the path that leads you away from your self and into a land of make believe.

In reading Michael Singer's book, "The Untethered Soul"….it is mostly about being tethered to a mind that isn't with reality.

Abuse tethers the mind so you are held against your free will…to see that which isn't there to see.

The abuser has convinced you that it is something that it isn't.

It is a secret. A private special interaction. To be kept in the dark…away from family. It is something only you two have…excluding all others. You are tethered to the dark or you will lose their 'love'.

Not unlike the FALC church. The only one going to Heaven…we are special, excluding all others. The similarities of cult and abuse are remarkable…where fear and love go hand and hand.

Love that isn't allowed into the light of day is not love it is abuse. My mind is now clear on this.

Love has no fear.

September 5, 2012
Artful Things!

Tonight at WIND we painted with Pastel Chalks…from a women who was an artist. Her daughter shared her with us tonight…as well as her artist tools. I hope her spirit was delighted to see them out of the box and being used by women of WIND.

Thanks Laura!

My Daughters…being creative.

What was very interesting to me, is that my daughters caught on to how I behaved in a group doing art. I was rude. I was not able to do both. I would listen and then get distracted by art….or pick up bits and pieces of the conversation. Very interesting to hear about myself. If you would have asked me, I was paying attention all ways.

Instead, I was swinging from right to left brain….unbeknownst to me. I wonder if this is how a child feels in school? I will have to stop creating to listen. Sorry for anyone who was left hanging mid story. I slipped into my picture…

Love the smiles Ladies!

Each person's art was so interesting to see. I love how we just began with blank white a table full of colors and we drew so many different things.

Thanks girls for drawing with Me!

I will ponder how I can get so easily distracted, how it is now hard for me to do two things at once. Usually, I am alone playing with my art. Group Art is something I haven't done since High School Art Class.

The next time we meet, we will once again play with Pastels…and other mediums that will accent them. My daughter will see what other ideas would be complimentary. I will keep my eye open for artful things!

September 4, 2012
Spirit of Kindergarden!

Tonight is the second evening of WIND; Women in New Directions. A comment was made, "It is like Kindergarden…" and I agree. Or, the fun classes in College, where you get to play.

It has the potential for great connections not only with women, but with your self and your passion. Your self and art. Your self and activities. A place where you can make a deeper connection with your self. Again, a play date for women.

My husband and I went to see "Hope Springs" and a line in the movie was about in each stage in life, there is a stage ahead of us to look forward to. Such as, "When the kids are all gone"….Or when I retire….When I get married etc…or when I get divorced."

We are always heading in a new direction. And it can feel either you have no control or you are in control waiting to hop on the next stage.

I hope that each women who attends will start feeling the stirring inside of them that is called Self. That they will learn to dance with themselves in a way that brings them joy and enthusiasm for being alive.

What I believe is the greatest tragedy of many women of abuse, is that they make choices that are not based upon the Self inside of them. In fact many are not used to living life from the Self, but rather from the outside.

I want WIND to be about the Self inside. Learning how to direct your self in this play called life.

Learning how to feel and express that.

Learning how to play and let go.

Learning how to return to the free spirit of Kindergarden!

September 4, 2012
Talking Loudly about my Abuse.

The book, "The Untethered Soul- The Journey Beyond Yourself" by Michael Singer is filled with insights about how we navigate this world and how our perceptions are crucial in how we live our lives….as well as how we use energy.

I found these paragraphs described the changes in my life. How I used to live in fear and now I live open to what is…as life presents itself.

"Ultimately, if you protect yourself perfectly, you will never grow. All your habits and idiosyncrasies will stay the same. Life becomes stagnant when people protect their stored issues. People say things like, “You know we don’t talk about that subject around your father.” There are all these rules about things that are not supposed to happen outside because they could cause disturbance inside. Living like this allows for very little spontaneous joy, enthusiasm, and excitement for life. Most people just go from day to day protecting themselves and making sure nothing goes too wrong. At the end of the day, when someone asks, “How was your day?” a normal response is, “Not too bad,” or “I’ll survive.” What is that telling you about their view of life? They see life as a threat. A good day means you made it through without getting hurt. The longer you live like this, the more closed you become."

"If you really want to grow, you have to do the opposite. Real spiritual growth happens when there is only one of you inside. There’s not a part that’s scared and another part that’s protecting the part that’s scared. All parts are unified. Because there is no part of you that you’re not willing to see, the mind is no longer divided into the conscious and subconscious. Everything you see inside is just something you see inside. It’s not you; it’s what you see. There is simply the pure energy pouring inside of you that creates the ripples of thoughts and emotions, and there is the consciousness that’s aware of it. There is simply you watching the dance of the psyche."

"Begin by seeing the tendency to protect and defend yourself. There is a very deep, innate tendency to close, especially around your soft spots. But eventually you will notice that closing creates tremendous work. Once you close, you have to make sure that what you protected doesn’t get disturbed. You then carry this task for the rest of your life. The alternative is to become conscious enough to simply watch the part of your being that is constantly trying to protect itself. You can then give yourself the ultimate gift by deciding not to do that anymore. You decide, instead, to get rid of that part."

"Once you’ve made the commitment to free yourself of that scared person inside, you will notice that there is a clear decision point at which your growth takes place. Spiritual growth is about the point at which you start to feel your energy change." Michael Singer

What I have noticed since I have stopped defending my sore spots, is that people truly do live this awkward posture. They are not free to live, they simply survive another day of not being hurt…yet they are crippled and don't know it. They are living with their body and life curved into itself trying to protect the pains they don't want to feel.

My husband's family nature is to not talk about it…and hope for a new change… tomorrow…without actually doing anything.

In my experience, it doesn't work, for they are not willing to enter into places of uncomfortableness. I have experienced great trauma and no one asks me about it. And yet, when I enter the room, trauma came with me. It was the elephant, while we made small talk around it.

When I was the elephant, I felt that they didn't want to engage with me, for it was too uncomfortable.

My history, my life was too uncomfortable for them to enter into, so I was left out and instead we all pretended we wanted to discuss the weather, politics….etc.

I feel sensitive now to how a child must feel, when abuse happens to them, and their adults are not comfortable talking about things that make them uncomfortable….the child feels they are the cause. When in fact, the child is only bumping into the sore spot inside of the adult, that the adult wants to protect.

In my experience, the adults in my life, at the time of my abuse, choose to defend their own inner pain…and did not enter into my uncomfortable reality of abuse.

NOT talking about it…is not a cure for abuse.

I am still talking and entering into uncomfortable places, for I do not want a child to believe that their abuse makes them a leper in our society….

I looked up the word Leper to see if I had this correct.

Leper

"A person who is avoided or rejected by others for moral or social reasons: "she was a social leper".

It is my opinion that we the abused are made to feel like lepers, due to the fact that folks want to avoid and reject uncomfortable topics. This is due not so much to what happened to us, but what is inside of them.

They don't want to feel their own pain, so they reject and avoid us.

A huge flag is waving in your family and life, if you are not able to be comfortable with the uncomfortable subjects in life. It means you have a wound inside of you your are protecting and defending. As you close around your wound, you are closing me out.

There is a wall I bump up against. A cement barrier inside of them. They blame me for being the cause of their uncomfortableness…when in fact, they can't get near me due to the sore spot inside of them. In defending that, they hurry away from me.

What I know for certain their are millions of abused children, adult children who are left alone, rejected and avoided…not due to being abused, but rather due to this pervasive reflex to protect their own inner pain.

If your parents are still unhealed, you will not find an oasis there…you will not be welcomed in with your pain, but rather avoided and rejected. We, the abused take this personally, that there is now something wrong with us…that we are damaged and that someone you love, doesn't want to be near you.

We are now unlovable.

We are now untouchable.

We are rejected and avoided…now that abuse has happened to us.

The reason abuse continues to flow is because each generation will not be with the hurt child, for instead they are protecting their pain inside of them. They don't want to feel pain, so they leave the wounded child alone.

Until the wounded adult children of abuse stand up and feel their pain, abuse will flow to the next generation. When your child is in pain, you will reject them….look away and find a 'bright' spot to focus on. You will let your child deal alone with their pains….Teaching them, that pain is something to keep hidden.

Hiding pain is the sole reason abuse flourishes.

I will continue to Live LOUD. Talking loudly about my abuse.

September 3, 2012
Abuse is actually showing.

What I find so enthralling and terrorizing is that the imprint of abuse will show itself, until you process the abuse, without fail. It will replicate itself verbatim to mimic the actual act. Its feelings and depiction will not disappoint…unbeknownst to you, you will be an actor playing out your abuse time and time again, until you see that which is wrong.

What is so maddening is that you are the actor and the play and within it you have to find out what is not right.

What many fail to recognize is that when you are abused when you are young and you go untreated, no one steps in to tell us what is right and what is wrong.

So, when we step out into the world as young adults we seek love with the same definitions.

As a child whose father abused her, I believed that to be loving was to be a victim. I felt comfortable or at home with a religion that didn't allow for free expression.

I felt at home and at ease with a man who made all the decisions. I wasn't shown how to be a strong individual….I was shown how to serve other people's needs first and always. I became invisible in relationships. I served to be loved. If I didn't do something for you, then I wasn't being kind and loving. I was not able to say no.

No meant that I was unlovable.

Looking at my life, I kept replicating that which I didn't know. Victim. Powerless. Doing things I didn't want to do to be liked by powerful people.

I would put myself into situations that would reflect my abuse to me. Time and Time again, I would find myself in relationships where I was unseen…and I felt that the more I did, the more I would be seen…and the opposite would happen. The more I did, the less I was seen. I would disappear…for I was taking care of others needs and never my own. I disappeared to me.

The church itself is red flag waving…or should I say a beacon for victims. A home to feel powerless in.

The FALC owned my whole body and life. Just as my parents did. The church owned my hair, I couldn't color it. The church owned my fingernails…I couldn't paint them.

The church owned my body; I couldn't have birth control. It would decide my life for me. Sounds like power and control to me….which is abuse.

What I didn't know, is that being comfortable in that church that had power over me, was replicating abuse. I was comfortable without power.

When I discovered that the church had blessed the man who abused me….I knew I was completely wrong about what I felt were high morals and values…inside its doctrine. It was then that the comfortable became terrorizing.

Being unable to show my feelings of terror as a child, I then acted comfortable being powerless. This definition showed itself repeatedly in my life.

Until I was able to see that which I called comfortable was actually abuse.

It would have been too much for a child to understand that her father was a monster and her mother didn't see that and the church blessed the monster….and that no one seen her. So, I created a story of comfort in my mind. And then, as I stepped out in the world I didn't remember that the files were wrong….until my whole file cabinet shattered in 2004. My niece said out loud…"Grandpa touched me….molested me". My comfortable spot became unbearable.

What I had thought, was that everyone would be flipped around, when I was…but now I realize, that they were able to keep their comfortable files upright…and not see what I saw. Yet, what I now see…is their lives replicating our childhood home. A play without end it seems.

The original play may have slowed or stopped, but their lives are reenacting it today.

Some will reenact the play and play the powerful…others the powerless.

But, it is depicted completely accurate.

What I love about this, is that no one escapes or can deny it, for the subconsciousness is out in full display.

What they feel is secret is in full living color…replaying, replaying, replaying.

The frustrating part is that they can't see which they couldn't bear to see as a child…so, they love the uncomfortable and steer clear of kindness.

I have heard stories of how awful their childhoods are, and then seen the loyalty of their abusers.

Abuse that happens when it is with someone you love and care about, is that it leaves you upside down in the world.

Instead of seeing the abusive behaviors in that person, you label them love and caring.

You can't even see this inside your head and body, but yet your life is replicating it.

We keep looking for the answers while living the answers.

It is hard to get ahead of your life or sit in the seat above it. It takes separation. It takes picking apart the scenes and really looking at what is going on.

Who holds the comfortable card and what their truth is….and then who is holding the uncomfortable card and what is there true history.

It is to become a sleuth in your own life…with careless abandon. You have to be willing to see what you thought was true become falsehood.

To feel terror of the abuse you were too young to feel.

The caring Universe is painstakingly replicating abuse so that you can express and release the emotions that are held inside.

And, so you can be free from the abuse and be a powerful loving being.

What I also find so intriguing and completely engaging is that when a child keeps their abuse a secret. The secret will show itself. It can't remain a secret. For, the markers of abuse will shine forth in their lives by the choices they make. It will be impossible for them to hide this secret.

Their actions alone will put the secret in full display.

Parents who are willing to see their actions as red flags will be able to help their children. Parents who want the abuse to be covered up, will turn their heads away or blame those actions upon the child. Like the child is making bad choices. When in fact, their abuse is actually showing.

September 2, 2012
No Longer Authentic

When someone you love lies to you, what does it mean? Does it mean I am not worthy of the truth? Do lies only work for people of less value? What does it mean to be lied to? And who is to blame for lies entering into a relationship?

I sat with my value. It didn't appear to have changed, even after lies, I remained the same. I was lied to, but it didn't lower my value.

I even looked up what lies mean…"a false statement made with deliberate intent to deceive; an intentional untruth; a falsehood. 2. something intended or serving to convey a false impression…"

It appears to me, that when someone lies, they are trying to be someone they are not.

It's about their character…trying to paint it different; a false impressionist painting.

What I also know of me, is that I have a very hard time being in a relationship when deception arrives. I can't pretend to pretend it isn't there. My old gullible self has died. I now see lies as being a falsehood and I don't waver.

What I also know is that in keeping a secret it will require lies. I am not talking about surprises and gifts, I am talking about life's choices, how when you decide to begin a secret, you are really beginning to hone your skills at lying.

You simply cannot retain your character of integrity and authenticity when you harbor a secret. It changes who you are. It isn't so much what you are hiding, but rather what it does to your character.

Secrets add a component of falsehood to who you are.

You are no longer authentic.

August 31, 2012
Into Reality

I am reading, "The Untethered Soul – The Journey beyond Yourself" by Michael Singer. Here are a few paragraphs that I find so remarkable as to how it is that we are not all seeing the same thing. Our minds are concocting a story first.

"Take a moment to examine the difference between your experience of the outside world and your interactions with the mental world. When you’re just thinking, you’re free to create whatever thoughts you want in your mind, and these thoughts are expressed through the voice. You are very accustomed to settling into the playground of the mind and creating and manipulating thoughts. This inner world is an alternate environment that is under your control. The outside world, however, marches to its own laws. When the voice narrates the outside world to you, those thoughts are now side by side, in parity, with all your other thoughts. All these thoughts intermix and actually influence your experience of the world around you. What you end up experiencing is really a personal presentation of the world according to you, rather than the stark, unfiltered experience of what is really out there. This mental manipulation of the outer experience allows you to buffer reality as it comes in. For example, there are myriad things that you see at any given moment, yet you only narrate a few of them. The ones you discuss in your mind are the ones that matter to you. With this subtle form of preprocessing, you manage to control the experience of reality so that it all fits together inside your mind. Your consciousness is actually experiencing your mental model of reality, not reality itself."

"Basically, you re-create the outside world inside yourself, and then you live in your mind. What if you decided not to do this? If you decide not to narrate and, instead, just consciously observe the world, you will feel more open and exposed. This is because you really don’t know what will happen next, and your mind is accustomed to helping you. It does this by processing your current experiences in a way that makes them fit with your views of the past and visions of the future. All of this helps to create a semblance of control. If your mind doesn’t do this, you simply become too uncomfortable. Reality is just too real for most of us, so we temper it with the mind." Michael Singer

The reasons we believe our minds, is that we want to stay in control of the world. And I believe, that those of us who were abused as children, hide further in the mind, that we truly don't want to see reality, for reality is terror.

To stop the words and thoughts imposing on reality seems like child's play…but try it. Try entering each moment silently without a thought.

What happened to me, is that the voices who were transposing reality were found out to be frauds. I had lived my whole 46 years in my mind…never once seeing what was really going on. My mind transposed a literal word world for me, and I believed it. I was in reality with my body, but living in my mind.

Each of us, who have been abused and who can't see that the abusers as an abuser and not a father or mother, sister, brother and friend…are living in their minds.

The difference between stepping out in the raw world without a mind first is to see what is…as it is. Making no excuses or going to your mind for a nicer cover. Just to let things be as they are…raw.

From my experience with my family and the FALC, is that very few are actually living outside of their minds. In fact, if you live in your mind, you can pretend to have life exactly as you wish. You can bless away any sin and return that man back into a father, you can have 'forgiveness' by staying in your mind…and never stepping into reality.

When you live in your mind, you don't even know that you are not in reality…the mind will not let you get there, for its task you assigned it was to create a dialogue to keep you from here.

Just like in the big malls, there is a map and then a spot, "You are Here."

The new challenge for humanity is to go out of their minds and into reality.

August 29, 2012
Awareness of Your Unconsciousness

"I don't address Ellen as a victim or "survivor" but as a subject. She is the subject of her own unconsciousness, and, as a subject, she knows where to lead me, and she can become responsible for the havoc and suffering and choices of her own unconscious life. Even as a child, when she's eleven, this process of listening to the unconscious and becoming responsible can begin. From my point of view she is responsible for not telling, which doesn't mean she's to blame." Annie G. Rogers

A lot is being said in these few sentences.

Changing the words and veiwpoints from being a victim or survivor of abuse to being the Subject of your own Unconsciousness is not only huge, but accurate.

It is about exploring the deep inner workings of how you live the way you live.

You are the subject that you are exploring and learning about, NOT the abuse. You can't get free of being unconsciously moved about, unless and until you can see it. See it and understand the whys.

By hiding from yourself, you are in the dark about so many things. And yet, your actions are showing.

Somehow we believe that if we do not go deeply into our histories and delve into the actions of our parents, we will escape. But in fact it is the opposite. You are held prisoner of your past when you fail to see it.

The words victim and survivor didn't explain me as much as an explorer of my unconsciousness. I had to know how I was able to live a life clueless of my abuse…for 46 years.

I had to dig up what was going on in my childhood, the lay of the land, and to see who was doing what to whom and what was the response, in order to see how I grew to be the way I was.

Just the fact, that I could live for 46 years unaware of my abuse, shows that I was unconscious of the truth of my own life.

Knowing this startling fact, was where I began my search to know about me. In learning about me, I was also learning about my family. I wasn't created in a vacuum.

I was born into a play that was already going. I had to learn the language of my parents home.

In reading Annie G. Roger's book, "Unsayable"…I clearly was guided sublimibly.

In order to keep their play going, I had my part. It wasn't about my life, but theirs.

Their play is still running, even after a few of us left the stage, the players are still maintaining the lead roles as accurate, even if the truth disputes it.

In order for me to go back into the family, I would have to become unconscious again, which is impossible. For once you know, you can't not know.

Listening to my unconsciousness is what guided me to find me. First I found me mental and broken, and could clearly see how I had to be in order to keep their story going. And once I seen how my behaviors were for them and for hiding abuse, I was then able to make new choices.

I also love how she says, "she is responsible for not telling, which doesn't mean she's to blame."

What is so confusing, is that if we tell, we are then accused of breaking apart a family and if we don't tell, we are then blamed for hiding abuse. Which of the two evils do you want to pick? Neither are the truth. Yet somehow society has the person who has experienced the abuse, as the one who is responsible.

Never is the abuser blamed for either. When in fact he/she holds the responsiblity of doing both.

Tearing a family apart happens when the abuse occurrs…and it is for their personal benefit to keep it hidden. It is their unconsciousness being exposed.

If we all can start the language and conversations about exploring our unconsciousness, we can begin to find answers to abusive behaviors.

Abuse is our unconsciousness speaking to us. When we turn our backs or hide, or if we deny it, it doesn't go away. It will continue to run and spread.

My father's uncosncioussness was telling a story in his actions. Those who refused to believe what he was saying, allowed him to speak it again. If, the courts of the land understood this. They would put him away so his truth didn't hurt another…and begin the process of having him explore his own life to reconcile his own childhood truths.

There is only one way abuse can stop its cycle, and that is by awareness of your unconsciousness.

August 27, 2012
What I Love to Do!

Another Art FULL Sunday! I woke up to grey skies and muggy temps. I went down in the basement and began sewing.

Here is last Sunday's dyed piece with borders. I loved it as I sewed it, but now standing back and seeing the whole top with borders, not so sure. I will see what kind of Lady graces it… It has interesting potential for sure!

Up close and far away….it has a different affect.

Love the combinations!

I then worked on this one, adding a Lady. I love the music notes…and how she is reaching it seems for her one note. Her song to be sung!

Dance hearing your own music…

"When you stumble, make it part of the Dance"

I again, love the colors and how they all play so well together.

And then I came back upstairs and used up the left over dye and dyed 4 more yards of 60 wide fabric.

Last week, while rinsing and washing, the dye, our drain didn't drain, so this week, I did lots of the rinsing out side.

And once again a line full of hand-dyed fabric.

I didn't spend much time folding or twisting etc, I pretty much just stuffed in the fabric and poured the dye. I am happy with the colors and know that I will use them to brighten up a Lady quilt. Some will make cool backgrounds, sunrises etc.

A full day of fun…doing what I love to do!

August 26, 2012
Care to Know.

I finished Annie G. Roger's Book, "The Unsayable" and I found it had tons of information packed into it in a wildly compact messy way…not unlike how abuse feels in the body. How she is trying to show clearly that which isn't clear.

It is very complex and hidden…how it begins, how it is disguised and how it repeats and appears behind the facade of illusion we create.

I believe we, as humans, would like to put abuse into a tiny package and keep it separated and isolated; so it not drip into our own lives. We would like to see it as only the issue of the perperator…that evil exists out there, and not see the strains within our own lives. To see that our lives are weaved by those who came before us…all their unresolved issues, become our DNA.

What I learned most from this book, is that way abuse flows from generation to generation. How it appears and how it is overlooked, due to the blindness of what abuse is or how to read the language of the unsayable. And even more importantly, how we continue to look outward and blame others for our own language…and how we don't pay attention to the signals and signs of our unconsciousness…screaming to gain our attention.

I do know that it takes great courage to go inward. Especially where abuse is. You have to see where it came and how it grew you.

I find her work remarkable in its accuracy and how it seems to settle her clients when they are being seen in their true natures. Even as Annie helps to show them their unsayable language it makes sense.

Highly remarkable, and not an easy read. But, then so are we who have been abused.

Annie's closing remarks.

"I've written this book with the hope of making some concepts clear to any reader, but especially to people who have clinical practices and those who come to us to trust us with their suffering. And, in the end, there are at least three things to glean from this book."

The first of these is that in America we've watered down and neutralized Freud's concept of the unconscious to such a degree that we no longer know how to listen as he listened. What's taken its place is a practice that in fact closes down the unconscious and its great gifts to us. We diagnose, medicate, remove symptoms, change cognitions, change behavior, and understand relationships, and yet we ignore the unconscious—its otherness—because we're frightened of it and have no access to it in the way we practice. I hope my efforts here awaken an interest in Freud, the original, daring Freud, and his idea of the unconscious.

The second idea is close to the first: The unconscious insists, repeats, and practically breaks down the door, to be heard. The only way to hear it, to invite it into the room, is to stop imposing something over it—mostly in the form of your own ideas—and instead listen for the unsayable, which is everywhere, in speech, in enactments, in dreams, and in the body. And the third idea is the simplest and requires the most courage: to befriend your own unconscious—its signifiers, symptoms, and quirky logic—or it will play havoc in the work you do with patients, no matter your intentions, no matter your degrees and qualifications." Annie

While she is writing this for her fellow therapists, I would like to encourage others who have been abused to read this. It will make you feel normal in how you came to be, having lived unseen. And how it was impossible for you to speak, when there was no one there capable to hear.

She clearly shows how untreated incidents of abuse manifest in our lives. How the trauma doesn't go away, it is in plain view for all to read and hear…if they are willing.

What she clearly shows as well as the deafness of the parents, how they too are contributing factors in our having to make a second hidden language…which appears not so hidden, if you care to know.

August 25, 2012

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