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Today I pondered the land of obliqueness and if it was actually a kissing cousin to denial, or was it totally different.  (after a conversation with my brother)

I felt that obliqueness would allow you the comfort of not committing…while actually knowing where you stood. Is it possible that obliqueness is a form of denail or is it denial of being openly truthful?

I looked up the definition of the word obiqueness and found this, "The property of being neither parallel or perpendicular, but at a slanting angle….not level or upright; inclined; not straight to the point; not straightforward;"

Obliqueness has a tone of weakness to me, of declining either side.

I can see how it has great advantages, of not standing for anything, but being accepted by either side.

I lived like this, tilted nowhere….until I committed myself to being abused.  Once I did, I no longer could be oblique. I stood upright.

I can see how we learn to live on a slant, for we are made to lean away from our truths, and even away from theirs.  No one in my childhood home stood directly and distinctly against abuse…all sorta slanted away from it, yet neither could we live totally in the land of love and trust.

This awkward leaning is being oblique.

Unable to voice the truth, you learn to just lean away from it.  The truth doesn't go anywhere, nor are you living in the land of wholeness, but rather the space between the two.

When I stopped leaning, and stood up, many relationships fell down.  For our common field was to be slanted folks.  All in agreement to the slant we lived upon.

Obliqueness is the silence space that is between the truth that surrounds us.  Not actually open denial, yet not actual open truth. But the cirtuitous place of nowhere.

I had to look up the word cirtuitous, to make sure that was correct, here is the definition; "1. describes indirect, unclear speech or behavior; 2. having a circular, indirect course."

This is the place abused children learn to live in…when our truth isn't welcome, we are not welcome, we are sent to obliqueness or in a cirtuitous land.  Our speech, our thought patterns, and our actions are directly impacted by this place.  We form our speech and actions to always remain slanted….slanted away from directness.

It isn't that we want to live this way, but in order to be accepted, we must.

In order for their to be peace and a loving family, we slant ourselves away from who we are, our experiences, our feelings and emotions; our truth.

We can't even know we are doing this. For our slanting began so early in childhood, we never were able to grow standing upright.

Out of fear we slanted…and now to straighten up, we fear again.

Fear the outcome of standing to one side…and being direct.

There was a cost in childhood, and there same cost is present today, even if it is 40 years later.  

My mother and I had two perceptions, but we both lived slanted.  I from what I felt was the truth and her from hers….in this middle space neither of us had to deal with our lives, we lived obiquely.

When I no longer was slanting away from my truth, but upright in it, she and I no longer matched.  IF, she were to flop back into her truth, we would once again meet.

My experience of her is that she wants to keep far away from the truth of her life…while I am clinging to mine…she wants me to come to the land of obliqueness and I am no longer interested in returning there. 

We are at an impasse.

We no longer speak the same way.

I head directly in, while she lives in the noncommittal place of obliqueness.

The feelings of wanting to be rid of the stain from abuse, leads me to feel that with it I am not okay…that something is wrong, I am not whole or complete; that I am ruined.

Somehow we have taken abuse to be a huge negative about us, to who we are and how we are seen by others. Shame enters when we are no longer perfect or whole, when we somehow feel damaged.

We internalize this damage as now being part of who we are, and NOT something that happened to us.

Unlike sickness or even scars from accidents, the wounds from sexual abuse become a direct reflection upon who we are.  It slides into the soul and its dark energies invade our sense of self worth.

I am not sure if other abuses do the same thing, but sexual abuse is the one area that is littered with shame and self blame for being victimized.

We own the crime…because it changes who we are.

We are no longer the self we were prior, NOR can we return.

We are forced to live like this now.

It may be due to the damage to the psyche that sexual abuse seeps into who we are and not something that happened to us.

Once our psyche is damaged, we feel we are damaged.

Unlike a broken leg, the psyche is how we perceive the world.  And a broken psyche skews how we see the world now.

Abuse that comes from friendly fire if you will, causes the deepest wounds.

In order to maintain the family unit, you have to live with a damaged psyche but not show it. You have to "Honor thy Parents" and in order to do so, you bend or break your psyche to make it so.

The cost of living with a broken psyche is to keep the pain/abuse hidden and out of view. To remain friendly in an unfriendly zone.

The pain, fear and lack of trust is present, we just pretend it isn't so. We continue to try and perceive friendly parents.

 To live in a body that knows and a mind that is convinced it isn't so, is to live forward and backwards at the same time.

The damage to the body heals quickly, but the broken psyche will stay broken until you can see the truth of your abusive home.

It seems we are in the tightest of spots.  Lose a family or lose your mind.

What other disease or accident would require such a choice?

I do know that living in an abusive home and pretending it isn't so, completely messes with your psyche.  I am not sure if it matters, whether your mother hits you or your mother is an alcoholic, the results are the same.  You have to pretend that all is well with thee…that life is the facade that is given to the world and not the truth you have experienced.

Bending this truth into something it isn't, is the task each little child has to do, in order to honor thy mother and father…and in doing so they dishonor their own psyche.

I am sitting here today with my psyche unbent, but a family lays in ruin.  It was literally my sanity or them.  

Somehow we have it more honorable or more loving, more kind and pretty to save a parent and family, than we have to save your own mind.

The affects of abuse, the literal damage to my vagina healed within days/weeks of the event.  The damage to my psyche went untreated and actually was exacerbated each time my mother treated Ray Huhta like a loving father and husband.

Perhaps our biggest shame is that we can't, no matter how we try, fix our psyche to match kind illusion that so many adults in our world see.

"Do you see what I see?"  

I know that what caused the damage to me, it wasn't the act itself, but the way I had to perceive it…in order to keep a 'loving' family alive.

At 46 years of age, I discovered my broken mind…and it changed my loving family into a broken one.

It has taken 7 years and counting to unbend my broken psyche…and each time it straightened out, my family broke even more.

The contorting you have to do in your mind to change a pedophile into a father, is what a child's mind is forced to do…in order to keep a mother's dream alive…and a father's sickness from being known in the world. 

I can't begin to begin to begin, to pick up that wreckage and create a loving family.

I also believe that I have a inner knowing of what a broken psyche looks like, talks like and walks like.  I know mental illness now…and in a dysfunctional family, clarity and truth are its worst enemy.

This truly is the seeds of dysfunctional…to break the psyche to not see the harm or to turn it into loving kindness.  To not see the harmful parent, but instead see a loving dad or mom.

You either get a broken family or a broken psyche….pick one.

To undo this damage is a journey of a million sorrows and huge gulps of calm peace to finally be one with the truth of what is.

So, what they call psychic blindness, really is to see what isn't there to see.

To see love instead of abuse.  And in order to keep a loving family alive in an abusive home, you become the abuse, not them.

You and your sense of self have the value of abuse.

And they who are abuse get the value of love.

I began at zero.

After 7 years of trying to understand all the aspects of abuse, both in my life and in general, it comes down to either being in reality or not.  Sounds simple and seems impossible to NOT be in reality…. but it is extremely hard to do what you feel, and not what is expected.  To stand up when everyone else is sitting down…to speak the truth, when most feel uncomfortable with it.  Yet, the one thing that keeps us connected to abuse IS our lack of being able to say the truth.  To ourselves and to others. To own it and act in harmony with it.

The reason it is so hard is that we are taught at a very young age to leave reality for our love and happiness, we are told, is to remain outside of reality.  Love and approval will be withdrawn if you attempt to leave. So, we stay.

In order to stay outside of the truth, we will acquire many many habits that will ease this pain of not being able to embrace our truths.  

What is so telling is that when you see folks with abusive behaviors, they are red flags that they are not able to be in the truth. The abusive behaviors ARE there only for one reason, to cover up the pain, they are not allowed to express.

It seems incredible to me that EVEN if they don't want to share their truth, the tools they use to cover it up shouts at us…that they are not living their natural life.

A natural life will not require pain killers.  My brother said this on the phone to me. Pain killers are addictions.  They are used to kill the pain.

People don't just become addicted to the substance, they become addicted to IT covering up their pain.  

I believe the pain is mostly from not being seen as the innocent in abuse, not being validated, and how the family member IS NOT treated like the abuser/criminal that he/she is, and instead is treated and even 'respected' and honored as the parent.

The raising of the perpetrator, lowers the innocent into the water of shame, blame and guilt.  This is the pain that we try and eat to cover up, drink to wash it away, etc.

Pain is the only reason we part take in these behaviors IT makes us feel better by not feeling our pain.

I believe that all pain comes from not being able to walk in reality.

We are not allowed to keep reality.  It has to be a secret.  Hidden.

What came to me yesterday is that the FALC is playing this hide reality game, with its forgiveness of sins and wiping clean the slate.  How a whole religion is feeding into this concept blows my mind.  The way the church uses this is to keep the abusers clean…and the children Unseen.  There are no abused children in the church…for all the 'sins' have been washed away.  

This leaves the children invisible…their pain undealt with, and they have to self soothe.  And they do so with anything that pushed down their true feelings.

How is a child suppose to stand up for her truth, when family and church vow to keep it hidden?  

In order to be in my mother's family, you have to act like abuse didn't happen, that you were NOT affected.  

There is no place in the family for you IF you want to explore the multiple ways that abuse and never talking about it, has colored your world.  The only way you get to stay in and be fully included is IF you can go on as if NOTHING happened and you are okay.

They don't want to see the evidence of the abuse…for that may make it real…and their current lives a lie.  

It is best to shut out abuse and keep their lives.

I know that they are not keeping me out, but rather keeping abuse out of their lives.

They haven't learned a thing from my mother's life.

She did this, and look where it got her?

In the end, her life was still connected with abuse.  For whether you admit it or not, abuse tags along…it is there, because you can't erase reality.

Abuse tags along no matter what addiction you use to kill it.  It survives. Truth goes nowhere.  The only way to be at peace is to see abuse…to feel all the emotions that abuse truly is.

Once you feel it, you will have no need to cover it up.  And we see the cover up and we know why you need it. Those who live in their truth have no reason for pain killers.