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Ladies Day in Marquette.

Our Ladies Day Trip, to see the quilts hanging at the Sweet Water Cafe.

"Inner Joy" welcomed us as we entered…

My girlfriend had suggested we go and see the quilts, and I am glad we did. It was fun and almost surreal to eat in a cafe with your artwork gracing the walls.

"Inner Joy" is sold….as Well as "Beach House Days"….

The picture is a bit blurry, but this is the wall it was on at the Cafe.

Ursula also has a sheet of paper where you can leave comments to the Artist. I had two… It was fun to read what others think about my art.

My friend and I then shopped, had a treat at Starbucks and shopped some more. We ate at Latitudes down by the water front.

Truly enjoyed the company and meal! It was a perfect place for our dinner.

It was a special day for both of us…spending time, and ourselves, with each other. It was not a coincidence we met…for each have always felt it was our destiny.

I call her my sister friend…for we have trusted each other to share our deepest pains…as well as our successes and joys of life.

Thanks Kirsten for spending the day with me…taking the time to honor my accomplishment, I appreciate it.

My quilts will be there until June 19th at 3pm.

May 28, 2012
Climbing through the darkness…

Last night at Dial Help, we learned a bit about suicide. Some of the statistics are shocking and then, not so much.

There are 35,000 who die each year…more than in war or disasters.

90% have mental health issues.

The dialogue when dealing with suicide is to be very direct and use the terms about killing yourself or wanting to die; to not shy away from the word suicide. And to go into the dark place they are standing in.

What I learned is that you can be squeezed into a dark spot, either by being overwhelmed with life, or when you have no life at all. Both are critical positions to be stuck in.

I just didn't know that rising to the highest of standards can be just as stressful and life sucking or detrimental to your spirit as a life without meaning.

We watched a short clip from Author and Attempt Survivor, Terry Wise who wrote a book called, "Waking Up; Climbing through the darkness. If you go to her website, you can watch it too. Just google her name and book title.

First of all, I didn't even know the term, "Attempt Survivor", but like it.

Terry spoke of how in our lives we push things aside and dont' deal, and that they sit on simmer. When a tragic event occurs, all our simmering pots hit full boil, and we then are instantly overwhelmed. This makes perfect sense to me. I experienced the full boil of a thousand hurts.

I wrote down, "Suicide doesn't stand alone," and that we have to look at events before and even all the way back into childhood. And she said, "Good therapy is like an archeologist, you keep digging and going deeper."

Her therapist also suggested writing, which she did…

I continue to learn about human suffering, pain, and how we deal or don't deal and the consequences. And how important it is to stay with the feelings and emotions…to follow the person into their darkest places, to be the enlightened witness, so they don't have to suffer alone.

I think, my knee jerk reaction is to fix and problem solve and not to just be with them while they express what they are feeling. It is a re-learning process for me to focus on the feelings and emotions; to not push them away.

Oddly, we are emotional beings, and yet we are so uncomfortable being with emotions. It is more 'comfortable' to skirt the emotions and work on fixing the problems or finding solutions, than it is to just plop down in the middle of extreme darkness.

And it is when you are in such a dark place, you need it the most.

The ability to just witness their pain, is something we are learning to do. Just to sit with them awhile. To let them live one more day.

Terry also wrote about learning just to endure life, and then to tolerate life….and to manage living.

She is right, "Climbing through the darkness…."

May 25, 2012
Filled by Me

"If you don't know the kind of person I am and I don't know the kind of person you are a pattern that others made may prevail in the world and following the wrong god home, we may miss our star." William Stafford

"Like that old saying, "Water fills a hole," the ways of others will fill the space we live in if we don't fill that space with our own authentic presences. For a long time, I thought that keeping who I am to myself was the same thing as being myself quietly. I discovered it is not."

"Not that we have to verbalize or shout everything, but we do need to be fully here the way a cliff accepts a wave, the way a stem of clover grows into the one patch of light in the forest, the way corn sweats its sweet moisture when no one is looking."

I read this by Mark Nepo and then went to do yoga.

What came to me is that we don't even know we are being filled by others until you try and go against what you have always done, and meet with great friction.

Two forces meeting.

One is you and the other is another person's wishes, happiness or desire.

If you have always left yourself behind and catered to others, it will not be easy to switch….serving yourself first and them last. They will holler or respond negatively.

I think many who are seeking to change, believe it will be met with smiles and hugs…and quickly retreat when met with opposition.

The harder it is to change, the more volume of other is in your world…and the smaller your sense of self is.

I used to be very strong for others. I would help carry the weak, support the unhappy, organize the unorganized, etc…I was very good for others, but very weak for me.

The me signal was so weak, it seldom arrived. My no or resentment was whispered faintly to myself, silently…while I put on a co-operation face and attended to other.

The content of my life had just a very small percentage that was honest me.

Honest me, was small and weak and not much for confrontations, and certainly uncomfortable with friction or disappointment in other's face.

There comes a point in life when there just isn't anymore to give, when you are saturated with others needs, while you are dying from the inside out.

I didn't know how I would gracefully exit my old way of doing things, how to get my voice back, how to utter no…instead of always saying yes, but I was tired and discontent with me.

What I didn't know, is that the small me was stirring. Like a chicken getting ready to be born, I was chipping away at the things I didn't want to do anymore, and began making excuses…opening space for me to grow.

Spaces being filled by me.

May 24, 2012
‘Nice’ to Me.

"The lies we believe about ourselves can be difficult to see because we are so used to them that they seem normal." Don Miguel Ruiz

Today while riding along delivering mail, I listened to an old Oprah Show about girls being bullied and just the way girls tend to communicate, very indirectly. She was speakng to the Author of "The Odd Girl Out".

How in order to be 'nice' we don't tell each other the truth…that we equate niceness to dealing behind backs, but certainly not directly.

This is the circumference living I was talking about. Where you can tell someone else your true feelings about another, but never to the person in question.

We live one step removed.

Being 'nice' means to not tell the person directly, but to talk about them indirectly.

Being 'bad' is to have a direct relationship. This is scary and will actually cause you to be excluded…to be in, you have to talk poorly about another….otherwise they will think you are friends with the 'outsiders' and if you are friends with them, you can't be friends with the in crowd.

I know if you are a girl/woman you have experienced this in some form. And that you also have learned not to speak your truth. In fact, one girl stated that she has to be a certain way for this group and then be a certain way for that group, or dress a certain way etc, that she has no clue who the real her is.

So, if you escaped the rigid rules of religion, you may have experienced the unwritten rules of being a 'nice' girl. Nice girls don't tell the truth and they 'like' everyone, and they talk about others when they are not present.

Here is what I know for sure….being a bad girl who spoke directly about what I felt, is that in order to be part of the group, and in my case family, I would have had to do this dance of living indirectly.

I used to talk about others behind their backs…to either fit in or to appear better than, and to spare them my real feelings, I was nice and didn't approach our differences head on.

Now it seems insane. But I don't recall one person, from my estranged family or even friends who have distanced themselves from me, tell me face to face what their problem was with me. However, they may discuss the issues they have with me when I am not around to hear.

Most of the girls said that the reasons they act this way, is that they don't want to be alone. That they feel they must act badly in order to be part of the group. They have to shun those who don't fit in, who dress differently, etc, in order to be part of the group.

Their biggest concerns in life is to be kicked out and alone.

When girls learn to live one step removed from direct relationships, they learn to live away from their truths, in order to be accepted. Their truths will end relationships.

I totally get this. Where it is more 'normal' for them to not talk about things that hurt them or disturb them, but lie to be nice.

This lying to be nice is to ignore hurt and anger and pain. And if you don't express it outwardly, it gets shoved inwardly. It isn't that they don't experience or encounter things that upset them, but in order to remain 'nice' they don't deal with them.

This 'nice' way of living life is doing more damage than anything to our young girls…for they are taught by their peers, that in order to be well liked, you must lie.

They are being taught that in order to be accepted, don't be yourself. Be what we need you to be.

I can't but help to think that my sisters are all doing this as well. I used to be part of them, and we didn't deal well one on one, but we certainly could pull apart the problem behind their back. I know, I did it. And I know, as the outsider, how I got here.

I got here by wanting direct frank and truthful relationships. I wasn't interested in living on the outskirts of my world anymore.

I went against the group. I became one of the unpopular…

At times, being out here still stings, but for the most part, I am pretty much okay, knowing that the girls I left, truly didn't have my back and my best interests…what they did have was loyalty to the group at large.

This is all done unconsciously…bending to group mentality and knowing intuitively, that if you don't act like the rest, you will be banished.

It is so subtle, that they are not even aware what they are doing, but they know enough to stay way from what is not accepted. Act differently and out you go.

And there truly isn't one confrontation…no face to face interaction. It is just this "knowing" you are either with us or we are against you.

All so interesting to see the way girls are taught to be 'nice'. My sisters are 'nice' to me.

May 23, 2012
Neglecting None

In last nights role play at Dial Help, we learned about depression, or experienced what it feels like to answer the calls…or even more important, how it feels to sit in the emotion with them or 'try and fix things'.

In my first attempt, I ignored his feelings and worked to solve the situation that circled him like a noose. While dodging how he felt, I focused on the outliers in his life. Leaving him once again totally alone.

It wasn't intentional, but since he was a 'stranger' I didn't want to get personal and jump feet first into how he felt…instead I was working on the outside structure, that would circuitously lead to reducing his stressful feelings. Exploring the things that were giving him stress and not his stress, if that makes sense.

The second caller, I jumped in feet first and ignored our strangeness. And oddly, this call went much better. I wasn't perfect, but I was perfectly with her feelings. Together we swam and explored the heavy grey, that clouded her world, the juxtaposition about her outer life and how she truly feels inside.

What I learned is that emotions is our common denominator, we all feel emotions the same way. Overwhelm is overwhelm…no matter the cause that creates it.

And, that most will not look directly at the pain and stress, but rather the structures that create it…asking the one in pain to see things differently or focus outside instead of inside.

It is so revealing when you sit with emotions, like coming face to face with the truth. And if you worry about the causes, you miss the opportunity to see the person.

What most callers need is for you to see them…and how they feel.

In our society, or at least the environment that I was raised in, you did whatever you could as to NoT feel. Or certainly change the negative feelings, by relabeling the outer source or finding excuses, or the favorite, Blessing away the sins that cause you pain.

We become strangers to our emotions…uncomfortable with them.

I believe that all the emotions we have ignored are not gone away, we didn't miss the opportunity to sit with them awhile, they are all there inside of us, waiting to flow forth.

What I also believe, in some situtations, you get an overwhelming feeling, for behind the emotion file named sadness, you may have 45 years worth of pain to feel…and that is what weighs you down.

Going into the pain, voicing it, feeling it; expressing it….is for the pain to be heard and validated, and that is its purpose.

The purpose of emotions is not to ignore them…but to hear what they are telling you.

I know, for myself, I didn't know my own emotions, I had pushed them down and back for 46 years. So, when I opened the door, an avalanche of feelings poured out.

I was overwrought with emotions. And had to teach myself how to deal with them, I literally had to tell myself, "Feel This." And I wrote about my feelings and emotions.

I stopped looking outside at the circumference of my life, and instead began living from the center. But first, I had to go back and relive my first 46 years…

Living hand to heart with my emotions. Where in the past, I did everything and anything to not have to feel. My emotions were bottled up inside, shoved into tight balled fists…resentment, anger, injustice, to name a few…all kept far away from mind and mouth.

When I began to live my center…I had years and years worth to feel, express and voice. My truth was just waiting for me to see it, hear it and feel it. I validated me by standing face to face with how I felt. Even in the darkest emotions, I stood and let the waves of sorrow drip.

Being alive is dancing with each emotion, neglecting none.

May 23, 2012
Only Way Through It.

I am back doing yoga on a fairly regular basis…and in the last few weeks, my left hip seemed to straighten out, allowing me to walk straighter. However, with this adjustment, it seems that my left lower back now is feeling the pressure. It reminds me how connected we are.

The lower left back seems to be out of alignment and in many postures it is very uncomfortable. Yet, if I relax with my breath in them, it seems to release the tight muscles. It almost feels like these muscles have been clenched and balled tight, and now I am asking them to release and strengthen.

Instinctively, I want to either back out of the pose or grip even tighter, when what really works is to relax, breath and go deeper.

I am sure this is how we are in all of life's tight spots. It seems un-natural to be with, and to find comfort in pain…to push in further, to breathe and to engage with the pain.

In yoga, my tender back and jolting nerves are a bit skittish going into poses, but if I take my time, go steady and slow, and enter into the painful spots, I loosen them up and my flexibility expands and my muscles grow stronger.

If I were to follow my fear, I would turn away from my pain. Doing so would leave me with a body that isn't in alignment and would even deteriorate further.

Going into the pain is the only way through it…

May 22, 2012
Surrounded by Nature.

When I thought of how I processed my feelings, being in Nature was also a very key component to me finding my balance.

I used to walk most days, for my emotions seemed to overwhelm me. But, once I stepped outside, the Sun greeted me and filled me with emotion that was completely the opposite of being abused. It was kindness.

This is my view from my front door.

I now walk each day around our property, with Finn.

Some mornings it takes your breath away…fresh, clear, and full of peace. We head to the river right after the barn… Below is the view along side of the barn.

We had rain yesterday and everything is so fresh and green. No bugs this morning, or none that bugged me.

This is our path along the river. Each summer we mow it wider and wider. Each summer we are losing lawn mowing kids…this summer we are down to one. So, soon this may all return to hay.

This is a dead end road….heading back towards our place. We mow along the road even. The pine trees on the left is where Finn and I would walk in the winter to get out of the wind…

Another view….sunshine, green grass, trees.

The field across the road from our home. There is a mom fox and three babies that play in this field in the evenings. I have seen her at daybreak, but she isn't around when we take our walks.

And our house…as we make our way back home.

In two weeks, Finn will be moving with my daughter. I would like to think, that I would still take morning strolls along the river…we will see. Our property has been a real oasis…and a perfect place to raise our children, to heal my soul, and an ideal place to walk the dog…a great start to the day.

Secluded and off the beaten path…I am surrounded by nature.

May 21, 2012
By Feelings.

I always knew that my quilting was Art Therapy, I just never knew how…it just was.

I never sat down and dissected the parts or even looked closely at the process, but rather was focused on the fabric, quilts and design, but not at what was happening behind the scenes if you will or what the overall technique was doing.

I was processing my pain…while the mind was focused on the quilt, my unconscious was leaking out in the overall picture.

It was like there were two selves down there quilting.

The conscious quilter and the unconscious pain.

My quilts were a barometer of my unconscious pain, my fears and sense of self; as my sense of self worth grew, the Lady in my quilt became more alive and animated. And at times answers to fears were shown to be unfounded.

What I find so odd is that I felt I was escaping myself by quilting, and yet it was there that I was most prolific. I wasn't running from me, but towards me.

My feelings would dictate the scene in the Art and the fabric and design. I knew I quilted by feelings, I just never looked at what I was feeling or why I chose what fabric I did and why I felt drawn to create a lady engaged in a certain feeling.

And there were times I would start out with one feeling and then take sudden turn and a completely different quilt would emerge.

All of this is very amazing looking back at my quilted journey of feelings.

What I recall most, is the times I felt so out of sorts in real life, so lost in the now and old relationships, and how at home the Lady felt on the quilt…and how she seemed to foretell my feelings, ahead of me being aware I felt that way…perhaps ahead of my mind.

Guess that is what Art is more about, getting out of your mind and playing with feelings.

Photograph by Hannah Jukuri

A clothesline full of feelings as a woman processes her pain, her life and seeks to find hope for her future. I was completely turned inside out and quilted from there as well. These are my insides; my feelings and emotions. Contrasts, convergences, waves of energy…processing who I wasn't and processing who I was…finding my way by feelings.

May 20, 2012
Quilted into My Art

Last week at Dial Help, I was given a thumb nail sketch of a few different disorders or what I guess we call Mental Conditions or ways in dealing with pain and abuse.

One of the things we talked about was Cutting.

What I learned about self harming, is that it is a process. Yes, it is about feeling something (pain), but it is also about watching the scar etc appear…and about the special tools used to cut.

As our trainer talked about Cutters, it came to me, that I used quilting the same way.

I was very drawn to the whole process. It was my private space to hide in and to concentrate on the process so not to feel the pain of abuse. And I was able to Feel, to make myself feel, except that the feelings I chose happened to be good feelings, excitement, but I was controlling how I felt.

So, when my life would get especially confusing or out of control, I headed to the basement, where I could control what I felt, but in a totally different direction…and the process of quilting was very detailed.

Choosing the fabric, playing with designs and watching the process of Art take place, the evolution from thought to completed quilt.

A process of controlling my feelings.

I just didn't know what I was doing, but I knew I had to do this. Imagine, how grateful I am….to have my Process (Art) on display, while cutters live in shame, hiding their scars.

My scars…are all quilted into my Art.

Photograph by Hannah Jukuri

May 19, 2012
Cannot Entertain Friendships

From Mark Nepo's "Book of Awakening"

"I have been blessed to have deep friends in my time on Earth. They have been an oasis when my life has turned a desert. They have been a cool river to plunge in when my heart has been on fire. When I was ill, one toweled my head when I couldn't stand without bleeding. Another bowed at my door saying, "I will be whatever you need as long as you need it."

"Still others have ensured my freedom, and they missed me while I searched for bits of truth that only led me back to them. I have slept in the high lonely wind waiting for God's word. And while it's true – no one can live for you – singing from the peak isn't quite the same as whispering in the center of a circle that has carried you ashore."

"Honest friends are doorways to our souls, and loving friends are the grasses that soften the world. It is no mistake that the German root of the word Friendship means "place of high safety." This safety opens us to God. As Cicero said, "A friend is a second self." And as Saint Martin said, "My friends are the beings through whom God loves me."

"There can be no greater or simpler ambition than to be a friend." Mark Nepo

Friends. I have certainly had many…of all sizes, shapes and personalities and yet, very few have remained on my entire journey.

When I look at the people who were my place of high safety, they changed over time, depending upon what I needed to feel safe.

Inside of the cult of religion it was safe to have similar folks. I felt safe around sameness.

As a person who felt safe not looking for truth. I needed others to not be looking; I felt safe in the dark with others who wanted to remain in the dark.

As I broke down the walls of being 'safely' in the dark about abuse and religion, I then changed the kinds of friends I now needed.

It seems that as you change what safe means for you, your friends will change.

Safe before was remaining hidden in the dark. The more I came out, the more uncomfortable some friendships grew and then died.

Very interesting to know that friends mean "A place of High Safety."

In my experience, my feelings of being safe has drastically changed, and very few relationships have come with me. What is also good to know, is that my husband and my home is still a place of High Safety.

A deep friendship is a place where you can feel safe. Where it is safe to be you. A place that accepts your truth and you are safe.

So very telling in abusive childhoods….We lose the friendship of our parents when they abuse us. For we learn we are not being kept safe. And then it seems, at least to me, we work like hell to feel "friendly". What I didn't know is, we are trying to force ourselves to feel safe in an environment that is not safe.

A home that houses abuse, cannot entertain friendships.

May 18, 2012

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