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While talking to my brother in the past few days, he made a comment that stuck with me… it was something like, "If parents knew that a school system had a dozen or more pedophiles within its walls, no one would allow their children to attend. Yet the parents of the FALC, are allowing their children to enter into Church and Sunday school without a thought to do otherwise…and to visit each others home unrestrained…due to the simple fact, they are of the same faith."

My experience of the parents within the FALC, is that many of them are very strict in who their children play with "outside" of the religion and keep close monitors on what they read and see….AND yet, reports of child abuse within the hallowed walls of the Church goes without a wiggle by the parents.

Their lack of inner scrutiny within their circle of family and friends, leaves the door wide open for the pedophiles to do that which they do.  It is the pure trust and naive belief, that all christians are 'good' people.

We were taught and made to feel, that all within the religion were 'safe'.

Me saying that I have given 12 names to the Detective of Houghton County of members of the FALC, mean nothing.  No one has called in panic, wondering IS it my friend, is it my neighbor, is it my family member.  Silence.

Imagine the outpouring of indignation, IF this number was in a school system in our area….or perhaps not 12, but even one???

What outcry would erupt and what condemnation would ensue?  But bring up the same about the folks of the FALC, and no response.  Be it minister or board members acting out in sexual abuse and no response by the folks in the pews.  No movement of outrage or "pulling their children" out of the system.  None…that I have heard of…anyway.

Oh, and the names that I have stumbled upon is without there being an 'investigation' but just by speaking to past and current members of the church.  Imagine if you will, there being a full scale criminal investigation upon this matter?

It just blows my mind…you would think that the church would be empty each Sunday…instead parents continue to deliver their children there by the van loads. 

Why???

Why are they not concerned about the children???

Why do they not respond within the church about protecting their children, when they do so on the outside?  I have seen members of the FALC, within the schools "Opting Out" of movies, books and field-trips, that would 'negatively' harm their children…and these same parents blindly and without question do nothing about the 'reports' and talk of abuse by fellow church members.

The juxtaposition of their 'caring' is absolutely insane.

It seems that there is a huge blind spot and this long held belief, that ALL evil is outside of the religion…and they refuse or are incapable of making a move against their religion.  And while this sentiment lies secure within the parents, the children will continue to be put in harms way.

Imagine, just having parents who are members of this church will almost guarantee you will be abused.  I say this, for 45 years ago in my neighborhood, abuse ran rampant between the FALC homes…and not one parent made the move to report their church member to the police.  Not one family removed their children from the church or neighborhood.  And all, if not most, of the neighborhood children suffered abuse.  

And is this still true today, 45 years later?  

Is there an outcry and outrage within the church, that abuse must stop?

Is the church empty like a Monday morning church?

Or is it christianity as usual.  For what I have experienced is that IF you bring up a church member, the eyelids shut, the ears turn off, and indifference arises.

It is like they have been trained to NOT respond. 

You can not get them to move and become activated and these are the same staunch unmovable folks we see in the schools.  Honest.  I have been on the school board, and you would think, that their children are so protected, that by watching a movie based on a book,it would corrupt their fragile minds.  

And yet, tell these same parents about abuse within the church and they remain unmoved.  It leaves you wordless.

This is my mother. She was so righteously critical of TV, Movies, nail polish, earrings and 'evil' influences…while being married to a pedophile.   

Trying to reason with such unreasonable beliefs….bends your mind.  Surely my sense of self would not have so tragically affected by wearing earrings as it was by me being abused…or my fingernails painted a pretty pink.  How to wiggle into these twisted minds and pierce a part that will awaken them to their own insanity, truly leaves me perplexed.

How to convince them they see evil in very benign things and then not see evil where it truly lives…it lurks not outside of the church or in some case outside of the family, but it is what you have known and trusted all along.  

Evil doesn't live in nail polish or earrings. These are not the devils of the world…the devil is inside of your congregation.  It has always been there, so you can't see it.  It isn't different or strange…it has blended in perfectly.

Chances are the pedophile was abused as childhood church member….and now is an adult church member, passing on what he learned within the churches families.

You will not be able to spot 'odd' behavior, for he is acting as he has always acted. You all are familiar with the familiar, so you can't see unusual.  It is like you were born and raised in midst of a pedophiles nest….born in captivity and given the rules as to how to behave….they have you all convinced Evil lives outside…which has given them free reign inside.  While you are intent and vigilant to keep the children free of nail polish and earrings….they are abusing them.

Somehow the sins of abuse is not addressed, ever.  No movement is made when a family is known to have these issues.  Imagine, though, If a family was handing out nail polish to all young kids or piercing their ears at sleep overs??? Oh My God, they would be quickly dealt with.

The greatest destroyer of your children's lives…is abuse, and this is not addressed and removed from your church.  Why???

The numbers are increasing at such an alarming rate….and no response, but singing in church.  What sits with me the most is your indifference.  It is like you all have blessed this activity.  

I took a break from yoga this morning and instead sipped tea by the fireplace, listened to the birds outside, with a heat pack on my legs.  

Being part of Taking Back the Night panel, brought up old emotions and feelings and my body responds…it feels once again the essence of abuse; the fear of breaking the silence along with the frustration of not being heard…of finding the correct message that will pierce the inertia.

What will it take to get those who know but are frozen… unable to move?  Can I speak clear and articulately?  Can my voice be a representation of victims who are not able to sit in public breaking their silence?  

It isn't like I have been voted to represent all victims; but sitting on stage as the only victim I slide into that position.  I speak for the child…I feel as the child….yet with a voice that uses big words, and impacting metaphors….but is it enough?

The pattern has been broken for me…my silence is a thing of the past.  I am doing what hasn't been done in my family before, I stood up and walked out.  Not because I didn't love them, but because I did.

One of my brothers asked me, "Why do you seem to want to help all other  victims, but not any of my daughters?"  This question came after years of silence between us.  He also stated, "Do you think this is how she thought it would end? Do you think she would have come forward if she knew her father's family would be torn apart stitch by stitch? I think she just wanted him to stop."

How do you make a molester stop?  Can you?  Is it possible to keep the family intact, completely and have a new healing way?  

What I feel most, is that the family Unit becomes the sacred cow….and abuse is secondary.  Decisions will be made to impact lightly the family which leaves abuse a wide berth to park itself into.

What I have seen is that most want to deal with abuse as a side job, but not the main event.  The main event is to keep the family humming along like the past…remaining unchanged.  Impossible.

IF, this was possible, the third generation of children would not be at risk by my father.

In my experience, in order to ensure that you are not repeating the same pattern, YOU have to act differently, your choices must reflect a change and your actions will no longer be the same…otherwise, you are still in the exact same environment that the abuse occurred in.  If you work like hell to keep it all the same, the same will happen again.

Perhaps not to your daughter, but to someone Else.

While I have been cast out as mental and cold, bitter and certainly 'not healed'….I believe that my radical actions are the only defense against abuse within the family unit.

My mother tried to keep the family stitched together, to be vigilant, to be forgiving, to focus up ahead in the future, to not look back…..and in doing so, more and more victims littered the roadway of my father's life.

How is my response seen as negative. That I am not a hero and instead the cold hearted bitch who is 'refusing to be part of the family'?  

How do you all expect to have little children come forth and speak up about abuse, IF my treatment will be theirs?  

Our 'best' efforts got us to this point….where my father's reign has gone on for 40 years and counting….yes counting.  He is allowed access to his Great Granddaughter.  For Family comes before abuse.

It is kind to keep family first.

Is it?

Let us see.  

What I know for certain, is that my pathway is empty of family cheerleaders, but one.

Out of a family of 14 children, one claps as I walk on.

Unless we do a 360 in the way we treat those who stand up and walk out of families of abuse, Abuse will destroy our families from the inside out.  

The brother doesn't see my actions as being beneficial to family….they are not.  But, they certainly create a harsh environment for abuse to flourish.

Being the oldest sister and one of Ray Huhta's first victims…I was challenged and berated for not stopping this in my youth, for not breaking the silence then…or in the years intervening…and yet when I do so….How is it received?  

We keep putting the total weight of ending the cycle of abuse upon the victims….while bystanders seems to counter act our actions.  

In the score board of help Ray Huhta received compared to what I have….there is no contest. Abuse wins hands down.

It could drop me to the ground If I would fully bring in the vast emptiness of family support.

When a family is infested with abuse, you can't save family without saving abuse too.

Impossible.

Abuses greatest weapon is kindness and softness and allegiance to family…it wins when the sacredness of family is focused on.  Abuse rides along unscathed.

Abuse isn't an item that you can put on a shelf or discard….it is in the fabric of the folks that make up the family.  In order to stop abuse, you, each member of the family has to remove abuse from their lives.  

Your actions and words and deeds have to reflect this.  It isn't a belief, a thought or an understanding.  

Each of our lives will either tolerate abusive behaviors or not….

Family isn't a place, it is how we treat each other.

No longer tolerating abuse is a loving action towards family.