I M Perfect lady

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  • In Control Within the Flow

    Today's reading, March 21,in the Book of Awakening, by Mark Nepo "To Harbor and Release"  I love this one.

    "Often the pain of resisting makes us rust like iron, and in order to re-enter the flow of life, we need to be scraped back to our original surface.  Our feelings, if not released, bread the heart with their grit. Like windows filmed by weather, we wait on loving hands to be rubbed clear.  It is inevitable.  Experience covers us over, and the expressive journey lets us come clean to the table of light. Again."

    "All things in existence participate in this involuntary cycle.  For human beings, the process of living stains us repeatedly with the grit of being here, with heartache and disappointment and the pointedness of being human, which can sicken us if harbored or make us whole if released.  Again and again, we, more than any other life form, have this majestic and burdensome power to harbor or release the impact of our experience."

    "Humbly, we are asked to keep the flow real between what is taken in and what is let out.  We have only to breathe to remember our place as a living inlet.  Experience in, feelings out.  Surprise and challenge in, heartache and joy out.  In a constant tide, life rushes in, and in constant release, we must let it all run back off.  For this is how the earth was made magnificent by the sea and how mankind is carved upright, again and again, by the ocean of spirit that sets us free."  Mark Nepo

    What we have to remember, what we take in, we have to let out.  I love, "Experience in, Feelings out."  This one sentence alone says so much.

    I believe that children who were abused in childhood, learn to experience and not to let the feelings out. We instead try and hold our feelings inside and do so til we explode in various ways.

    Rarely are children allowed to express their feelings after being sexually abused or physically abused.  We experience and then we have no outlet.

    This alone has created an unnatural way of being human. To take in things in silence our of fear of reprisals, is living half way.  This is how the rust builds upon us. And in my experience, only by expressing what has gone unexpressed, do we clear away the layers of film upon us.

    The natural process of Experience in, Feelings out, is disrupted in abuse and this alone is the cause of so much disease and violence…we are out of control, out of order, not able to work correctly.

    The term harboring resentment came to mind.  I didn't know that when we don't express our feelings (release them) we are harboring.  

    I had truckloads of expressions to release, and in the beginning they flowed like a rushing river, tumbling over each other, with volumes raised, they tore out of me…held back so long their force near violent in the outward flow.

    While it had to be shocking and out of character for others to witness this of me, it felt extremely healing to say what I had failed to say…for years.

    I wasn't the most prolific or articulate or kind as the words came rushing out, but I was scraping off the rust of old feelings I hadn't felt.  Some were not so pleasant or kind themselves…and all had to be felt in order to be released.

    Now, it is my intention to not let layers of unexpressed or unfelt emotions pile up upon myself, for it feels heavy and a burden to carry…so whatever I experience, I let my feelings out…I don't like holding on to feelings.  

    Harboring your feelings seems safer when you have been abused…we learn to keep them in order to get along and for sheer survival for some.  

    Abuse teaches us to live only taking in…never in a healthy release.

    I am still learning how to release.  Sometimes it still comes out very fearful or childlike in expression, but to me…it isn't about the delivery, but rather that they get out.  Maybe over time, with enough space and healing, I will be able to release them with a graceful kind and compassionate delivery…and not the hurried careless abandon that often rushes out.

    I will find my natural releasing stance…that isn't totally harboring or rushing abandon…but rather a fearless authenticity, beautiful yet powerful, in control within the flow. 

     

     

     

     

     

  • Our Own Worst Enemy

    I heard Self Confidence described in a way I hadn't thought of it before…I believe we have an overall meaning, but not how it is derived.  What I didn't know is that our sense of self confidence comes from our inner dialogue and promises…the ones we don't keep, are actually lies to our selves.  The more we lie, the less confidence we have in our self.

    Bob Greene and Oprah were talking about starting to make healthy changes in your lifestyle, and how we tell our selves, "Monday, I will start working out…" or "Next month, I will stop eating sweets".  The damage comes when we tell ourselves these lies, for Monday rolls around and we don't do as we said.

    It is in the follow through, or the lack thereof, that our confidence in our self begins to diminish.  The more we say we are going to start and the more often we don't, we see our selves as a liar…and just as friends who fail to follow through, we  lose our ability to trust our self.

    I hadn't considered all the times I toyed with the idea of 'starting' something and didn't that I was setting a precedence inside of me to lie.  Not only lie, but then not get upset about it.  

    It is like I was okay with lying and then even more okay at being lied to…by me.  I would never do to others what I have done over and over to myself.

    And more importantly, no one that I have respect for has ever lied to me as much as I have lied to myself.

    Somehow I discount the lies I tell myself and even have become numb or deaf to the words uttered, the promises, or plans spoken, either out loud or in my head. 

    What I know is that I would never talk that way to others, nor would I tolerate this behavior from others…yet when it is between me and me, there are no boundaries.

    Even doing the Yoga Challenge, it was helpful to have told other people, so that my word wasn't just between me and me.   Like I intuitively knew, that words to just myself were not enough.  

    Now I am debating how to create a healthy food plan, and have been off of sweets now for three days.  Yet, I haven't declared this out loud or even to myself.  There is a fear there in stating something I may not be able to suceed in.  Perhaps there is a part of me that is tired of lying inside of me.

    Just as I want to do a yoga challenge, but feel that I am not ready to commit for 60 days, and yet without a challenge, I do very little yoga.

    I am at a place of not wanting false promises, but not able to commit…perhaps in this space I can't fail, for I don't even try…but I don't lie.

    I just found this so interesting…I want to nurture a friendship with myself that is free of lies and false promises, one that I can respect and honor.

    I just didn't know my friendship with myself wasn't one that I would allow from others.  And this one lives inside and directs my life…stops starting to begin a new change that will have so many rewards.  

    Even in that alone is interesting.  How I stop myself from changing out of bad habits.  We certainly are our own worst enemy.

     

     

     

  • A Five Month Summer…

    As we are having this delightful Spring, I hear comments along the Mail Route, a old timers saying, "I am sure we will be punished for this…I wonder when we will pay for these nice days."  My response is, "It isn't punishment, but its our reward for making it through the winter!"

    It is funny how often we can't accept the good times, believing there will be a price to pay…but perhaps not.  Maybe we all can enjoy this early Spring…and then, early summer.

    My flowers are sprouting, the frogs are singing, birds are chirping, the river is rising, the snow is melting…for today celebrate, "It is Spring!"

    Out of habit I wore my smart wool socks to work, long sleeve shirt…and it was 81 degrees.  

    This Spring/Summer arrived so quickly, we are having to hurry to catch up to nature.  One day putting wood on the fire, to the next day putting on screens…and sweating.  Honestly it was Ugg boots one day and going without a jacket the next.  From 30 degrees to 70 and then into the 80's.  

    Instead of the long drawn out Spring, we had the high speed version!

    My middle daughter's birthday is on the 27th, and usually we have, mud, fog and rain, mixed in with dirty slushy snow…it looks like this year all the yuckiness will be gone, just grass turning greener.  Imagine, we could actually have a 5 month summer! 

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    This is Otter Lake, I turn around at the Mail Box up ahead. The woman who lives alone here, left a note for me to leave her mail at her neighbors if the lake rises more tonight.  For most of last week, I was unable to drive down this road, for the mat was so thick and slushy.  It is a private road, so the County doesn't plow it.  Imagine in one week, all the snow has gone!

     

  • Loving Care of my Body

    I am calling my hungry child, "Lotta" and in doing so have created a space for me to see her wanting to have certain things.  In naming her, I am able to deal with her as you would a real child…and say no.

    Not only that, once I understood that the cravings I had were not wants of my body, but that of a child's program, I had more control to supersede it.  She has wants that are childish and very surface.

    In fact, knowing that I have this child-like appetite program wanting to take over my eating habits, allows me to recognize it as not being real.

    Real meaning an actual body craving.  The cravings instead are from a program that has been running very long unchallenged.

    Yesterday as food popped up, I challenged the request to eat and took the time to prepare foods as an adult would and not just grab and stuff in food as a child.

    It is very interesting to me, that one part of me wants to eat poorly and another healthy…and by giving up to the impulses, I was feeding Lotta.

    Feeding Lotta will have consequences I will have to pay attention to later…so I best pay attention the moment food is presented, by deciding who will be choosing the food that I will eat.

    I am not sure how long this will go on and if this is the key I needed to get a better handle on my eating, but it seemed to work.  I eat less when Lotta doesn't eat…I eat with awareness, not just blindly and uncaring about the consequences.  

    I now understand why the child doesn't care about the consequences, they disappear after being satiated…the child program's only purpose is to engorge itself.

    Once I knew that the child's portion is only to come in and eat whatever it wants and then disappear, leaving me with the clean up or added pounds…it is in my best interest not to let it eat.

    Starving Lotta is the way to shut down that long run program.

    She may not go easily, but I am on to her and I know what she loves and how it leaves me feeling and the consequences to my body.

    What was interesting in just that one day, is food lost its drama…excitement etc.  Instead it was a task…without the trappings of a party.  The party or exciting energy was all Lotta looking to have fun for a few moments in my life.

    I can see food taking on a grown up energy.  Its hard to imagine letting a child run your nutrition program…but that is pretty much how its been.

    It does seem insane to be taking back the food department from a child…that a child-like appetite and program has been feeding me.  And I wasn't able to wrestle it back from the child, for the child ate and disappeared.  You have to be aware prior to eating and eating…to keep the child at bay.

    I am sure this scenario arises in any situation where we revert to child-like behaviors, where our adult self fails to arrive, to be responsible.

    Perhaps this is what growing up is…to eliminate the programs we created as a child…or at least challenging them to see their consequences and how they fit into our intended future.

    In order to stop the hungry child within me, I have to fill myself up…with love and awareness, for it is my gut instinct that says, "A child that is loved and seen will seek other means to fill themselves up."

    My program began to keep me from feeling the feelings that were too big to feel, and it kept running unchecked.  I can now shut it down and by awareness and taking loving care of my body.

     

  • Completely whole all alone.

    In Mark Nepo's Book, "The Book of Awakening" for March 18th, 

    The Life of the Caretaker.

    "Accept this gift, so I can see myself as giving."

    "I have been learning that the life of a caretaker is as addictive as the life of an alcoholic.  Here the intoxication is the emotional relief that temporarily comes when answering a loved one's need.  Though it never lasts, in the moment of answering someone's need, we feel loved.  While much good can come from this, especially for those the caretaker attends, the care itself becomes the drink by which we briefly numb a worthlessness that won't go away unless constantly doused by another shot of self-sacrifice."

    "It all tightens until what others need is anticipated beyond what is real, and then, without any true need being voiced, an anxiety to respond builds that can only be relieved if something is offered or done. At the heart of this is the every present worry that unless doing something for another there is no possibility of being loved.  So, the needs of others stand within reach like bottles behind a bar that, try as he or she will, the caretaker cannot resist."

    "I have experienced this even in the simple issue of calling a loved one while away from home.  Even when no one expects to hear from me, I can agonize over whether to call.  Often, unable to withstand the discomfort of not registering some evidence of my love, I will end up going to great lengths to call."

    " In truth, caretaking, though seeming quite generous, is very self-serving, and its urgent self-centeredness prevents a life of genuine compassion.  In all honesty, to heal from this requires as rigorous a program of recovery as alcoholics enlist, including sponsors who will love us for who we are."

    "Within one's self, the remedy of spirit that allows for true giving resides somewhere in the faith to believe that each of us is worthy of love, just as we are."  Mark Nepo

    This is my disease.  This is where I felt my greatest hits of love and self worth, by how and to whom I gave.  I gave to get…I needed to be needed in order to feel worthy.  

    When I discovered this within me, I had to quit cold turkey…to stop giving with an agenda in hand.  I truly and completely felt the sentiments of "Accept this gift, so I can see myself as giving."

    I was unable to sustain my own self worth without a second party gushing or being grateful for what I had done.  My inner well of worthiness was nonexistent. Without doing for others, I was empty.

    It was very hard to purposefully not give.  I felt horrible and mean and uncaring.  The worse I felt, the more I knew how backwards I had giving.

    To give with the freedom of no returns was not something I had ever done.

    All my giving came with very fine print…."I give to make me feel special".

    I had to turn all my giving inward, to become a self contained container of worthiness, without using other people's needs to keep me afloat.

    My greatest sense of self was gained by giving…and my biggest hits of love came from what I did, not from who I was.

    It was horrifying to see that all or most of me was built outside of me…and the only way to find my true love of self, was to no longer give to be worthy.

    I had to become worthy by doing nothing for others…until my own well of worth was full.  

    The freedom of having your own well of worth is hard to explain…to be a self contained unit.  To have an inner source, a well spring of worthiness inside, to have it fed from the inside out…is to live a life completely different.

    One is empty…and forever seeking a new hit of worth.

    The other is full of self worth…self love and completely whole all alone.

     

     

  • Voice of the Adult.

    David Hawkins writes about dieting or taking care of the body in "Healing and Recovery".

    "When one reaches this level of handling appetite and hunger, one is no longer fixed on one particular food or another.  One could say, "If we have a steak tonight, that's fine, and if we don't , that's fine."  So it is okay either way. This means that one is free."

    "One characteristic of this attitude is freedom. Freedom from what?  There is freedom from being run by a program or conditioning, and freedom from being a victim of the cycle. There is freedom from the entrapment that made us feel bad about ourselves.  As we get detached from these sensations, we begin to feel good about ourselves.  In fact, our willingness to do that goes up to level 310, which has an even better feeling about it.  We begin to accept that this is nothing other than a phenomenon, just a set of vibrations going on within consciousness.  It does  not have to do with food or the body.  Those are all programs.  In essence, physics explains it as just a set of vibrations going on in the field of consciousness that are within our power to alter. Once we do that, we can really begin to love ourselves more than we did before."

    "There is another very interesting aspect going on in consciousness that will also be very helpful.  It is something you can observe within yourself, and something I picked up within myself and saw happening.  The cycle in the past was to be run by the hunger, appetite, satiation, and then guilt. All the good intentions I had about dieting and taking off weight suddenly flew out the window and disappeared somewhere.  After filling myself up with far more than I knew I needed, suddenly there was a feeling of self-disgust and guilt.  People with severe eating problems often experience that.  They go into the bathroom, throw all the food back up, and then go into self-hatred, blame, guilt, and even suicidal depression, which can become very severe.  What really happens in this type of situation?  I observed that when a person sits down to eat, it is only the adult within who wants to take off the weight, and it is really the 'inner child' who is always hungry."

    "In the past, Dr. Eric Berne, author of "Games People Play" and creator of Transactional Analysis, along with other people in that field talked about our 'child', and 'parent' tapes that are like three voices within us.  One is the desirous child; one is the adult who is rational, intelligent and educated; and one is the parent who tends to be punitive and moralistic.  The parent tape is the one who tells us about right and wrong.  When we sit down at the table or walk to the refrigerator, the adult within goes unconscious and the child takes over."

    "What does the child know about diet, weight, and calories?  Nothing. The consciousness of the child is, "I want, I satisfy, and I get," so we go to the refrigerator without realizing we are in a different state of consciousness, one in which the child is dominant.  So who is poking around in the refrigerator? The child is. Who is ordering a second hot fudge sundae or having a second helping of potatoes and gravy?  The child.  After we indulge the child without realizing what is going on, when the meal is over, the child leaves.  it has had its fill, and then who takes its place?  The parent does who then says, "How could you have been so stupid?  Why did you have seconds?  So did you have a piece of pie? Why did you put ice cream on top of the pie?  I mean, think of the calories.  You are really stupid and weak; you don't have any will power. You are no good; your self-worth is rotten."

    "At this point, we are subjected to the inner angry parent who is blaming us. Blaming whom?  Blaming the inner child.  Where has the adult been all this time?  It has been silenced. The adult was not there at mealtime or after mealtime.  The child and the parent have taken over the whole eating program, which is natural because that is where the eating patterns get set up in the first place. They get set up with the child, and who is sitting next to the child, but the parent?  So the child alternates with the parent in running the whole eating pattern."

    "In order to counter act this, we have to be aware that the pattern is running.  Just to be aware of it begins to change it.  Now we can make a note to ourselves, put it on the table or the refrigerator, and consciously call forth our adult and tell the child, "This is the place for an adult now because my adult is very conscious of its eating."  My adult knows about calories, diets, and healthy eating patterns.  I consciously call forth my adult to be here at this meal. I say, "The adult me is here now" and consciously reject the presence of the child.  Because the overindulgence does not happen, when the meal is finished, my adult stays there. No parent comes in to blame me for what has been done."

    "It does not take self-control or resisting anything; it just takes being aware. When we sit down, we say hello to our adult and be conscious.  Just as we sit down at the dinner table, we watch the kid come up in us.  I have watched myself do this. "Oh, look at who is there at the table.  Oh wow!  Look at the pile of mashed potato!  Look at the gravy!"  Just watch people's faces when they sit down at the table and we see who is 'up' in them.  We see the eyes pop open and watch the pupils of the eyes get very large.  If that is not a five-year-old kid, then I never saw one."

    "We may see a serious looking businessman walk into a restaurant with his briefcase.  He goes through the cafeteria line and then sits down.  Now, watch his face as he puts his napkin in front of him.  He picks up his napkin – somebody else is already there.  There is the kid all ready to have a good time!  Of course, after the man gets up to leave, now we instantly see, "Oh, I ate too much."  Now who is there?  Look at the frown as the man is berating himself as he walks out of the restaurant.  In his mind, he is counting calories. He just ate 3,850 calories for dinner, and his doctor told him he is supposed to have only 900 calories a day.  He figures he cannot eat until next Tuesday now and wonders how is he going to survive."

    "We can break out of this self-defeating pattern just by being aware. Make a little sign for the refrigerator door that says, "Adults Only."  Be conscious; be aware of who is there.  We will find that the adult enjoys the eating very much too, but just does not go crazy so easily."  David Hawkins

    What I love about how he breaks this down to there being three people that are vying for our attention or are in fact running our lives; The Child, The Parent and the Adult Self.

    At first when I read this I didn't distinguish between parent and adult, but read them as one.  But now I can see that my eating and actually my living patterns were created by a child and my parent.

    And how bringing in my adult self, I can take over the functions of my life that have been running on the program built by me as a child and my parent.

    This makes perfect sense to me.  I do eat like a child, often.  And then I do have a punitive parent come in and berate me…making me feel bad. While these two duke it out, my adult self is silent.  

    This silent adult self is the one who is missing in the places in my life where I have child like behaviors…as well as the beating myself up.  The over indulgent child, eating sweets and then the belittling parent spreading the icing on the cake of self loathing.  Or simply not being adult about my sweets.

    Whether this pattern has created a person 50 pounds overweight like I, or 300 pounds doesn't matter.  The key is the absence of a loving adult.

    This is the one pattern that I failed to see in practice.

    A loving adult.

    I have to be that which wasn't shown to me…the pattern of loving adult.

    What does a loving adult do?  How does a loving adult act?  

    Imagine having a loving adult take over your eating habits, doing yoga, etc.  I believe that I have had a loving adult take over parts of my life, but having a loving adult take over care of my body hasn't happened.

    The indulgent child eats for me and is lazy when it is time to work on my body…and then the parent screams and rants and raves as to why not.  No loving adult has come in to lead me through self care.  

    I almost have to wonder if subconsciously I am waiting for loving adult messages to come from my parent voice?  Waiting for this kind voice to take over patterns I have lived under and replace them with things I wouldn't even recognize as me.

    It is like I am either waiting for a loving parent or for my indulgent child to suddenly crave yoga and whole foods.

    Perhaps that is what we are waiting for…a healthy child to appear.

    What I know for sure is that a child can't lead this game of food and self care…for what I look like is the perfect pattern of a child in charge and what I feel like is having a nonloving parent.

    In order for this to change, I will have to keep returning my awareness to seek out my loving adult self…ignoring the child and parent pattern.

    And by asking for the voice of the adult.

     

  • Character called Me

    "Spiritual progress is based on acceptance as a matter of free will and choice, and thus everyone experiences only the world of their own choosing.  The universe is totally free of victims, and all eventualities are the unfolding of inner choice and decision."  David Hawkins

    "If we avoid the hypothetical positionality that people 'could' be different than they are, in actuality, people cannot really help being other than they are.  If they could be different, they would be.  Limitations define possibilities; the hypothetical does not exist; it is not a reality but an imagination.  It is irrational to condemn human behavior by comparing it with the hypothetical ideal."

    "Indignation gives way to compassion through understanding and brings into prominence the truth of the great historical statements, "They know not what they do" (Jesus Christ), or, "The only sin is that of ignorance" (Buddha).  David Hawkins

    For the past 7 years I have been reading and learning about reality and truth after living for 46 years unfamiliar with either.

    Isn't it unbelievable that we would have such a hard time with reality and when reality is all there is?  That living a hypothetical life isn't living at all…but escaping what is.

    Yesterday I listened to a radio conversation between Ed Bacon and Donald Miller, as they talked about what makes a great character…and what kind of character are you if they were to make a film about your life.

    What makes a great character?  

    If your life was a movie, would your character be entertaining and exciting. Donald Miller literally went out and created a fuller character, by living life completely different.

    The dialogue between them stuck with me…and I wondered how I too can live my life so as to be a deeper or more artful character.

    What will my character do?  What would add bits of excitement…how to expand as a person?

    If someone were making a movie about me…is there enough of a story there or is it mostly static repeats?  Perhaps I can't change other people, but I will be more aware and add new layers in the Character called Me.

     

     

  • A Free Spirit.

    What I hadn't considered is that our Conscience is created, that we don't come with a natural conscience; it is built into us. 

    I looked up the definition of Conscience and one that struck me was, " the nontechnical term for the moral faculty of the mind, corresponding roughly to the superego.

    Who knew that the conscience was in your mind.  I somehow believed the conscience was nestled up with my heart…and was the soul talking.

    Religion often references a 'guilty conscience'…and somehow we don't dissect it to find out what is guilty and why.

    As I have become more and more spiritual, I have felt much less guilt.  

    Removing my conscience has been a long process, for so much of my sense of self was caught up in it.  I acted in accordance to my conscience out of fear of reprisals. I didn't act out of love…but dodged punishment.

    The life lived by swerving punishment is not a life well lived.  It is survival and being an endless victim under the power of authority of your conscience.  You are not free.

    In order to remember how to spell Conscience.  I had to break it down to Con Science.  It is to con science, to fake it out…to rob our natural state of being.

    My experience of my conscience was to live under the rule of a mental mind…I called her my mental lady.  

    While under her rule and total manipulations, I didn't realize I was totally off base from my natural state of being…I lived in blind faith and was guided like the blind, with her leading the way…a superego.

    She would talk me through my life, telling me what I must and must not do…and what punishment awaited me if I dared go astray.

    While under the influence of a superego you pretty much are a prisoner of it…you are kept in line by fear and guilt.

    The collapse of my superego left me standing in my life aghast at how little of my life I was free in…or how little of me there was in my life.  I was pure conscience.

    Pure conscience is to live without a soul, spirit or Self…to be totally under the spell of a mental mind. 

    To me, being part of a strict religious group, like the FALC, is to join with like minds.  To construct consciences of similar values and morals.  But the contents have nothing to do with your soul…and everything to do with the mind.

    Imagine religions build consciences…and call it the way to Heaven.

    It is the perfect recipe for hell.

    Without a conscience you are in heaven…a free Spirit.

     

     

     

  • Being without a Conscience.

    Gary Zukav writes about the difference between Conscience and Integrity in his book, Spiritual Partnerships.  

    "Integrity and conscience both present themselves as guides through your life, however, they are distinctly different guides, and they take you to distinctly different places.  Conscience takes you where your culture, parents or peers want you to go.  It also discourages you from visiting places that have not been approved by them. When you ignore your conscience you feel guilty and remorseful, as though you have betrayed a trust or disappointed an expectation.  In fact, your collective expects certain behaviors from you, but it also does more than that. It imposes nonnegotiable demands."

    Conscience tells you when you have ignored a nonnegotiable demand or you are thinking about ignoring one, for example, "Don't lie" ( or "Thou shalt not lie," if you speak archaically).  Even thinking about ignoring such a demand (command) activates conscience.  You feel guilty at the least and terrified, a failure, and condemned to endless pain at worst.  These are the experiences of frightenend parts of your personality.  In other words, conscience and fear are the same. Conscience is the painful anticipation of painful punishment. The demands of every collective, no matter how different in content, are all starkly black-and-white, either-or, this or that. Conscience guides you to the painful fear of pain and the painful need to avoid pain. That is its function.  It insures that you conform to commands decreed by others or suffer punishments decreed by others."

    "Psychologists call this "internalizing" an authority.  You are not the authority. You are controlled by the authority.  Even if the authority is absent, even it it no longer exists (as in the case of a deceased parent), you are controlled by the authority.  If you disobey a command and you think that you will never be caught, you still live in the fear (pain) of being caught (and punished).  You punish yourself until you are punished by others.  The authority takes up residence inside of you as your "conscience", and you experience it as fear. Awareness of your conscience and awareness of your frightened parts of your personality are identical."

    "Five-sensory humans feel "out of integrity" when they violate a collective demand.  Multi-sensory humans feel "out of integrity" when they do something that they know is generated by fear instead of love.  They feel "in integrity" when they act in love, with compassion and wisdom…"  

    "You can not know in advance what integrity will require of you.  If you need to speak to keep yourself from feeling uncomfortable, to show people that you are there, or to control the conversation, and you are aware of it, integrity requires not speaking.  If speaking in a group intimidates you or you think that what you have to say is not important, and you are aware of it, integrity requires speaking.  Each interaction brings its own healing potential.  Integrity calls you to that potential.  If you ignore it you feel unsettled, on the "wrong track," or wanting to choose again.  If you answer the call you feel at ease and content with the path that you have chosen."

    "Conscience imposes itself upon you.  Integrity calls to you.  Conscience demands that you listen to frightened parts of your personality and obey them.  Integrity requires listening to loving parts of your personality and honoring them.  Conscience takes you where others want you to go.  Integrity takes you where your soul wants you to go." Gary Zukav

    What my religion called conscience or taught us about conscience were really all the collective fears of the adults or elders of the church, imposed upon us.  The sins and then punishment to hell all became embedded in us and drove our lives.  Steering by conscience to be steered by the collect authority in our upbringing.  

    I used to say "Let your conscience be your guide…."  Now, I know what I was saying was to do what the masses needed you to do. NOT to do as your soul decreed.

    I love how he breaks this down.  Integrity it seems to me is to go against the authority rules, to openly and defiantly oppose the conscience.  I know this is absolutely true.  For I had to walk in direct opposition of my conscience to be with my truth.  Freedom is to get out from underneath your inner ruler, called conscience.

    Living with integrity is the new definition of being without a conscience.  

     

     


  • Dancing with Quilting.

    My latest Lady Quilt.  I am trying to do dancing ladies, capturing their movement.  

    IMG_7597

    "And those who were seen dancing were thought to be insane by those who could not hear the music." ~Friedrich Wilhelm Nietzsche

    I loved this quote.  Each of us are listening to our own inner music and our movements, actions, choices, etc…are derived from what we hear inside.

    IMG_7601

    Her skirt has more movement than her arms and legs.  

    Fun to create and play with movement both in fabric, color and body.

    Dancing with quilting.

     

     

     

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