Blog

  • How we were treated.

    I listened to the book, "The Voice of Knowledge" by Janet Mills and Don Miguel Ruiz, and found this part to hit close to home.

    "When we discover that we are not what we believe we are, the foundation of our entire reality begins to collapse. The whole story loses its meaning, and this is very frightening."

    " I was not afraid in the desert that night. But when I recovered, I felt fear because nothing in my story was important any longer and I still had to function in the world. Later, I discovered that I could rewrite the story of my life.  I could recover the structure of what I believed and rebuild it without the lies.  Then life went on as it did before, but the lies no longer ruled my life."  

    What I too recall is that you are left without a place to put your faith, you no longer can support the lies, yet you haven't rebuilt your life without lies.  

    The difference between a structure of lies and a structure of truth is so completely different…

    You may think of 'the lies' having to be big, but the little ones you park your faith behind are equally as devastating to your life…when you believe them.

    I discovered thousands of lies that I had built my life upon.  He writes about two rules to avoid getting caught up in lies.

    "Don't believe yourself and don't believe anybody else – all of the lies that come from the voices of knowledge won't survive your skepticism.  Being skeptical is not about being judgmental; it is not about taking the position that you are more intelligent than others. You just don't believe, and what is true will become obvious. This is very interesting because the truth survives your skepticism even if you don't believe it. That is the beauty of the truth. The truth doesn't need anybody to believe it.  The truth is still the truth whether or not you can believe it.  Can we say the same about lies? No, lies only exist because we believe them.  If we don't believe in lies, they simply disappear." Don Miguel

    Isn't it amazing that by not believing yourself or others, the truth will rise to the surface, for the truth doesn't need anyone to believe it, it just is.

    By removing your faith in what you believe, you are then putting your faith in what you don't believe…but what is.  I am not certain I can articulate this, so I highly recommend reading this book.

    But, in my own life, there were great big lies that I put my faith behind, and those lies had baby lies that I put my faith behind and I didn't allow any of my faith to be used for the truth.

    It seems we are given only so much faith, and if we invest it in lies, it leaves little faith for the truth.

    When I withdrew my faith in the lies…I had ample faith to then put into what was the truth. 

    He further writes, "Many lies enslave us, but only one thing can free us, and it's the truth.  Only truth can set us free from the fear, the drama, and the conflict in our lives.  This is the absolute truth, and I cannot put it more simply than that."

    "The Voice of Knowledge rules your life, and it is a tyrant. If you refuse to obey that voice, it becomes quieter and quieter, and speaks to you less and less until it no longer controls you.  When the voice loses power over you, lies no longer rule your life, and you become authentic again."

    "The Voice of Knowledge is not real.  Before you learn to speak, your brain is like a perfect computer, but without a program.  when you are born you don't know a language.  It takes several years for your brain to mature enough to receive a program. Then the program is introduced to you mainly through your parents, as well as other people around you. They hook your attention and teach you the meaning of words.  You learn to speak, and the program goes inside you little by little by agreement.  You agree, and now you have a program."

    "Well, if you are the computer, then the knowledge is the program.  Everything you know, all of the knowledge in your head, was already in the program before you were born.  I can assure you that none of us ever has an original idea.  Every letter, every word, every concept in your belief system is part of the program, and that program is contaminated with a virus called lies."

    "There's no need to judge the program as good or bad or right or wrong. Even if we don't like the program, nobody is guilty for sharing it with us. It's just the way it is, and it's wonderful because we use the program to create our stories.  But who is running our life?  The program!  The program has a voice, and it's lying to us all the time."

    "How can we know what the truth is when almost everything we have learned is a lie?  How can we recognize what is real in us?  Well, it took some time for me to find out, but I found out. Our emotions are real.  Every emotion that we feel is real, it is the truth, it is.  I discovered that every emotion comes directly from spirit, from our integrity; it is completely authentic."

    "You cannot fake what you feel. You can try to repress your emotions, you can try to justify what you feel or lie about what you feel, but what you feel is authentic.  It is real, and you are feeling it. There is nothing wrong with whatever you feel. There are no good or bad emotions; there is nothing wrong with anger or jealousy or envy. Even if you are feeling hate, it comes from your integrity.  Even if it's sadness or depression that you are suffering, if you feel it, there is always a reason for feeling it."

    "I discovered something very interesting about the human mind, something logical and important to understand. Everything you perceive causes an emotional reaction – everything.  If you perceive beauty, your emotional reaction is wonderful; you feel great.  When you are hurt, your emotional reaction is not so great.  But you perceive not just the outside world; you perceive the virtual world you create in your head.  You perceive not only your feelings, but your knowledge – your own thoughts, judgments, and beliefs. You perceive the voice in your head, and have an emotional reaction to that voice."

    "Now the question is this; What is the voice in your head telling you? How many times has it told you, "God, I'm so stupid, how could I do that? I will never learn!" The voice of knowledge judges you, you perceive the judgment, and you have an emotional reaction.  You feel the shame; you feel the guilt. The emotion is true, but what causes the emotion, which is the judgment that you are stupid, is not true; it's a story.  Again, this is just action-reaction.  What is the action? The action is the perception of your point of view, which means the perception of your own judgment. What is the reaction? Your feelings are the reaction, and you react to lies with emotional poison."

    "Let's see if we can understand this a little better.  Imagine that you have a dog. As you know, the dog is just a dog, and it's a perfect dog, isn't it?  But what happens if you abuse the dog?  What if every time you see the dog, you kick the dog?  Very soon the dog will be afraid.  You can see the emotions coming from the dog.  It is angry; it might try to bite you or run away.  Is there something wrong with the dog's emotions? Does the dog's anger make the dog evil? No, the dog's reaction is just the result of being abused. The emotion is helping the dog to defend itself.  It comes from the dogs integrity."  Don Miguel

    What I love about the way he breaks this down is that we are programmed to believe in lies and taught how to act by how we were treated.  

      IMG_7420

  • A Journey with your Spirit.

    Yesterday I finally heard the definition of a Spiritual Journey that made sense to me.  Ed Bacon and Bonnie St. Johns were talking about it in a way that resonated with what I know to be true.

    They said it was about sitting with your pain, being aware of suffering and finding out its source…about going into your self, your inner body, to feel emotions and feelings, to sort out the places that are not in alignment with the Universe.

    I understood this meaning of a Spiritual Journey.  

    What I have discovered is that I didn't need to go anywhere, but to become more introspective…to seek to change my perceptions, not to change the situations or others.

    It is a journey of going deeper, not away from yourself and out there somewhere…like Heaven is a place we go when we die.  

    The Spiritual Journey felt to me, like a destination to find the right Master…a journey away from your Self and this present moment.  

    I have heard it represented as not being within you, but rather a departure from your daily life.

    Yet I found that the spiritual journey was the daily life…and the master was your Self.  And depending upon what you accepted or denied granted you a Heaven or a Hell.  There was nowhere to go but to be here now and to feel the truth of this moment in time.

    That is the spiritual journey.  It doesn't lead you away from your daily life, but rather allows you stay there.

    There is nowhere to go, no one to become, nothing you have to aspire to, no teacher to seek.  All you have to be is fully you.  

    To feel your emotions, to discover your truth and to express your life, and that will have you on a journey with your Spirit.

     

  • Like Prison.

    "When you are unaware of your choices, you remain in fear. When you are aware of your fear, you are able to choose differently.  You are able to inject consciousness into an otherwise unconscious process and change it."  Gary Zukav

    The very basic level of any or all dysfunction is the place we stand called No Choice.  

    We are being controlled by the simple fact that we are not given a choice.  It isn't so much where we are  or what is happening, but the fact that we don't have a choice.  Fear to me means having no choice.  

    My night terrors had me frozen unable to move.  To me that is the ultimate fear, unable to freely move my body, let alone control my own mind.  

    As I look back upon my childhood; it stripped away all my choices and had me living as a good follower a choice-less being.  I did that well…and then worked to take the choices away from my children…continuing the legacy.

    I believe, no matter what situation you are stuck in, it is because you have not given your self the option of options. 

    What I grew to do, was to find peace and acceptance and learned to enjoy the spot of no choice.  

    In some ways, it is an easier way to live and truly is a blameless state for your self.  You are free from being responsible for your own life. Response Able….you are unable to respond or even know that there is a different way.  You just simply put up no resistance to being without a choice.

    Not a hard way to live….you only have one way of being in the world…and are not even aware of the land that has two choices or multiple choices.  

    I was taught or led to believe that this one choice way was the only way to heaven. It was a peaceful life…or is peaceful UNLESS you try to bring in a new way, another choice.  

    Fear truly is being unaware of your choices.  My intentions now are to live in the land of choices.  Perhaps I can now visualize how the wild horse must feel being put in the land of being powerless, without a choice…it looks like prison.

     

     

  • Find Their Way Here.

    "If I had experienced different things, I would have different things to say."  Mark Nepo

    I loved yesterday's reading…I know what he means.

    "So often, I have felt troubled and guilty bearing witness to my pain, and yet, not to make things worse.  Somehow, in saying just what Mother had done in her cruel need to be the center, or just what Father couldn't do out of his fear of facing my mother; somehow telling the truth as I know it makes me feel like a bad person – as if I'm making my pain up, as if I'm hurting others by saying bad things about them."

    "But the unshakable bottom of all this is that I'm not making things up.  If I have unkind things to say, it's because I have experienced unkind things. And so, my only guide in this witnessing is to be accurate and honest.  While I am not a victim, I didn't ask for certain shaping experiences to happen to me.  I didn't ask to be slapped or ridiculed as a boy or to be mistreated by lifelong friends later in life.  In truth, If I had experienced different things, I would have different things to say."

    "What is most healing about bearing witness to things exactly as they are, including my own part in my pain, is that when the voice of pain fits the pain, there is no room for distortion or illusion.  In this way, truth becomes a clean bandage that heals, keeping the dirt out of the wound."

    "To voice things as they are is the nearest medicine."  Mark Nepo

    I was raised, "If you don't have anything nice to say, say nothing at all."  That not nice things were not to be talked about.  Which leaves the abuse out of the picture or any negative experience.  

    Where then is it okay to talk about unkind things? 

    I had a profound visual with two blogs by one person.  How one blog only had the "Nice things to say" while the other seemed to delve into to unkind behaviors of others…like there is a need to keep the two blogs separated.

    It brought a clear visual for me to see how my mother kept a clean and kind blog, while behind the scenes unkindness happened, but it never made it to her blog page/life.

    That our unkind treatment from our father had no place in my mother's idyllic life.  It would mar the otherwise beautiful large family picture she was painting.  Where my father was a hardworking provider for his family, who never asked for nothing.

    If you are silent about the Unkind things, your blog/life would look picture perfect.  

    My mother's life had no room for any negative talk about my father. Which left us no place to go. Our wounds did not fit into her picture perfect family. His negative treatment wasn't allowed, let alone hers. 

    I know that my mother kept separated our sexual abuse, it belonged on another blog, not the every day blog, but a special one that was rarely visited and you didn't want to stay there long and it was 'private', you didn't air this out to everyone.  Abuse doesn't go on the every day blog…it is to be hidden off to the side.  So hidden that no one talked about it, ever.  Until someone broke the rule and spoke up and said, "unkind" things about an unkind experience with my father.

    His and her negative blogs then were revealed.

    I had lived my whole life working for her daily family blog, not realizing that she had a secret, that I had a secret abuse blog going on as well.  And my life actually made sense when you blended the two.  

    I became totally normal when the two blogs collided.

    What is so key, is that the truth lies in both blogs, but the two blogs shall never meet each other. This is a great visual of disassociation or denial…or in my experience the FALC way. 

    The unkind things go to the blog called, "Forgiveness of Sins"…you speak of it , and then segregate them to another space.

    When she forbid us to bring abuse to her daily blog, she left the real me out.  I wasn't able to be myself in her world.  

    What I have been determined to do was to combine both blogs and make them me.  That is the true representation of me.  

    As I look upon this blog, it is mostly about the things my mother kept hidden…I speak of abuse, of unkind experiences, the things that usually are kept off the daily blogs…find their way here.  

     

  • “Take Back the Night”

    IMG_7441
    I created this quilt with the theme, "Take Back the Night".  I was trying to depict the weight of fear and how it bends you down…in comparison to taking back your power.  Dancing under your full power.

    IMG_7443
    I met with Detective Rosie and An-gel from Dial Help on Monday. The three of us are forming a connection…coming from different angles, working to find new answers to old problems.  I enjoy our meetings greatly.  The meeting was about the event planned for April 24th, "Take Back the Night".  Rosie and I will be there…An-gel is one of the organizers.  

    IMG_7444
    If this quilt isn't used there, she will go to the Ed Gray Gallery. 

  • Without you asking, “Why?”

    Gary Zukav writes about intentions in his book, "Spiritual Partnerships; The Journey to Authentic Power.

    "Intention means different things to five-sensory individuals that it does to multisensory individuals.  Five-sensory individuals think of intentions in terms such as "to get a new job."  Multisensory individuals go deeper.  They ask, "Why do I intend to get a new job?"  One reason might be, for example, "to make more money" (other reasons might be to have more prestige, work closer to home, or have a greater sense of meaning), and they keep asking until they find their real reason.  Their quest for the deepest Why leads them to their actual intention.  For example, a parent may intend to make more money in order to send her child to college.  Beneath this intention lie deeper intentions.  One parent may intend to send her child to college because she feels obligated, her family expects it, or her neighbor's children are going to college.  Another may intend to expose her child to languages, cultures, and disciplines that will stimulate her creativity and passion.  These are different intentions, and they will create different consequences."

    "The Why beneath the Why (and sometimes the Why beneath that, etc) is the intention that creates the consequences.  That is the Why that determines the experience of your life.  The parent who sends her child to college to make her (the parent) feel better about herself, as a good as her neighbors or to avoid family disapproval is concerned about herself. The parent who supports her child with the gift of education is concerned about her child.  One is taking and the other is giving.  One is motivated by fear, and the other is motivated by Love.  Both parents set into motion the Universal Law of Cause and Effect and the Universal Law of Attraction and therefore, create different consequences with their intentions. The first parent will experience the pain of discovering that someone she loves is using her for his or her own well being (Universal Law of Cause and Effect) and will attract to her people with hidden agendas (Universal Law of Attraction). The second parent will experience the joy of being cared fro without conditions (Universal Law of Cause and Effect) and will draw to herself people who are concerned for her (Universal Law of Attraction)."

    "To the five-sensory perception, these actions are identical – a parent sends a child to college.  Without knowing the intention beneath the action, however, it is not possible to know the consequence that the action will create.  When I first learned to ski, I would carry my skis on my shoulder with the short ends in front of me and the long ends with the tips behind. However, I soon learned how dangerous that was because I kept forgetting how far the tips extended. When I turned, they swung around fast, causing people to duck and lunge out of the way (and complain).  Not knowing your intentions is like carrying long skis on your shoulder into a china shop. Every time you turn, something behind you breaks and you can't see what caused the damage, but you are responsible for it." 

    "Using your creative power without knowing your intentions is like driving a car with a windshield painted black.  You travel, but you do not know where.  You expect to arrive at a destination, but when you get out of the car (or the car crashes into something), you discover that where you thought you were going and where you went are different.  If you have a need to please people, for example, you will be surprised (and probably have been many times) to discover that they eventually push you away.  When your intention is to see a smile or be appreciated in order to feel safe and valuable (this is the pursuit of external power), you will always feel the pain of rejection when you see a frown instead or your efforts are not appreciated. Eventually (or immediately) you will feel abused.  Your compulsive efforts to please have a price, and when it is not paid, you become angry.  You expect to arrive at appreciation, but your arrive instead at rejection and anger – a very different destination."

    "Most people drive with their windshield painted black, for example, the husband provides his wife with home and security and then becomes angry when she does not provide him comfort and sex on demand.  Like my friend who thought he loved his dog but became enraged when it failed to meet his expectations (hidden agendas), the husband reached a different destination (frustration, anger and pain) than the one he anticipated (domestic bliss).  If you think your windshield is clear, ask yourself how many times you have felt angry, or at least miffed, when someone dismissed a gift that you gave, or there it away. (Another sweater? I've got one already and you know I don't like brown.") Those experiences always signal the presence of an intention that you were not aware of, one that is different from the intention you thought you held."

    "This is a common misconception what the healthiest intentions is to "feel good."  The addict in the ally injects heroin because it makes him feel good, but it is not making him healthy or even getting him out of the alley.  On the other hand, the alcoholic who has just stopped drinking is in excruciating pain, but is becoming healthy. The healthy intention is never to pursue external power. Intending to get attention, for example, with a fast or opulent car, gorgeous spouse, beautiful home, expensive jewelry, ideal life (or anything else) because you feel inadequate, invisible, and powerless without it will not take you where you want to go when your destination is a life of more meaning and less emptiness, more joy and less pain, more love and less fear."

    " That life is the potential, and also the evolutionary requirement of, multisensory humans, and all humans are becoming multisensory or soon will be. The casual connections between us are more than physical. We influence another and all of Life with our choices of intention, with our choices of intention we transform our experiences from fear to love (or not), and our world from brutal  to compassionate (or not). We are each ultimately responsible for the well-being of all that is.  The pursuit of external power is the set of initial conditions that always creates harsh weather. the more we think of ourselves as invisible or powerless, the more we wield our creative power irresponsibly. (and create painful consequences). The more we blame others for our experiences, envy them, or rage at them or ourselves, the more painful consequences we create.  The emergence of multisensory perception is a dawn unlike any before, and the rising sun is illuminating a new set  of initial conditions that always and everywhere creates the best of all weather." Gary Zukav 

    What I didn't know is that there were many levels of Whys behind the surface intention or action. That there are literally piles of Whys we need to ask to get to rock bottom. And the rock bottom is covered up, unless you ask "Why?".

    However, you could really work this backwards and see your destination.  If you don't like where you are, it means the why beneath your intentions drove you there without you asking, " Why?"

  • Being Raised not to Follow.

    I met my polar opposite yesterday, the opposite end of the spectrum, a woman who left her childhood completely empowered.

    Two completely different upbringings and their outcomes.  

    Her parents made choices that gave her power and kept her mind free of fairy-tales and lies.  Mine was deluged in illusions.  We had to live out their intentions.

    The two of us…one trained to follow and give up her mind, the other was groomed to keep it clear, wide open and self discerning.  A huge and profound impact on how we entered into the grown-up world.

    Between the two of us, who would be more susceptible to grooming and luring of predators?  Which one had a firm grasp on her self and self confidence?

    I didn't even know I was allowed to be a self…I was a part of a bunch. Take the rest away and I didn't know how to move on my own.  My actions always visited the churches beliefs first, my mother second, my husband third and or someone, before a choice was made.  I didn't know how to make one on my own, for my Self…She had no church to appease or others, and was made to think on her own.

    She mirrored to me just how confined I was by her total freedom.  I can appreciate her wide open upbringing and wonder can she even visualize mine…to even gain a morsel of true understanding.

    Can you even know what it feels like to be whittled down to zero if you have always been given wide berth to be yourself? Can a wild horse appreciate the confines of a barn and fence?

    I have had the privilege to have lived on both sides…to experience the differences.  Yet somehow I can see how she has been 'offered' the choice to go into the barn and has refused…preferring the open space.

    Seeing the two of us, one raised as a wild and free person and the other with someone holding my reins, steering me, and using me for their use.  A work horse and a wild free one.

    I ran away into the land she was raised in. 

    And yet didn't know how to roam free.

    Just has hard as it would be to get her acclimated to the barn, it was equally hard to become accustomed to having no reins.

    She wasn't introduced to religion until she was 16. She had to take a college course on religion to learn about them all.  She then saw them with a well defined sense of self and reality and they were seen with a much clearer eye than say mine….I was introduced by being submerged into it, never having lived outside of it.  There wasn't a choice.

    Can you imagine introducing a 16 year old to religion; to take away their free spirit and put it in a barn?  Imagine if it was illegal to speak to children about religion until they turned 16.  Religions would dry up…and spirituality would bloom.

    Not only was I kept on a short leash, but abused.  It was like my course was powerlessness, while her's was empowerment.  I had to fight my way to the place her parents kept her.

    Just as she didn't have a choice but to follow her free spirits, I had no choice but to live in the barn.

    Yet somehow, I believed I wanted to be in the religion that it was my choice, when in fact, I was born in captivity. It was my comfort place, and the lands outside the barn were places to fear or at the very least seemed foreign and uncomfortable.

    Interesting we both felt at home on opposite ends of the spectrum…and I would have lived there forever, If something within me didn't begin to get restless….yearning for something, I just didn't know what.

    It was as if the land of wide open mind space was calling me. And I am not certain I would have made the leap, if my barn if you will, didn't explode.  If my illusions were not exposed…everything collasped and I was left standing in an open field.

    And it took me many years to find my way, my self, and my power.

    I just get left with the total different mindset our parents had…to empower or keep powerless.  Her life was lived completely different based upon the intentions of her parents. 

    Two different journey's of empowerment…one was taught from birth and one was discovered when the illusion fell apart.  Her parents never lied to her, and mine lived out their lies…raising me in a non-reality based childhood, while hers was the total opposite.  It was an amazing encounter…I had never met anyone raised so free.

    Imagine being allowed to be yourself or actually be forced to be yourself, find and live your own truth! Being raised not to follow…

     

     

     

     

     

  • Being Raised not to Follow.

    I met my polar opposite yesterday, the opposite end of the spectrum, a woman who left her childhood completely empowered.

    Two completely different upbringings and their outcomes.  

    Her parents made choices that gave her power and kept her mind free of fairy-tales and lies.  Mine was deluged in illusions.  We had to live our their intentions.

    The two of us…one trained to follow and give up her mind, the other was groomed to keep it clear, wide open and self discerning.  A huge and profound impact on how we entered into the grown-up world.

    Between the two of us, who would be more susceptible to grooming and luring of predators?  Which one had a firm grasp on her self and self confidence?

    I didn't even know I was allowed to be a self…I was a part of a bunch. Take the rest away and I didn't know how to move on my own.  My actions always visited the churches beliefs first, my mother second, my husband third and or someone, before a choice was made.  I didn't know how to make one on my own, for my Self…She had no church to appease or others, and was made to think on her own.

    She mirrored to me just how confined I was by her total freedom.  I can appreciate her wide open upbringing and wonder can she even visualize mine…to even gain a morsel of true understanding.

    Can you even know what it feels like to be whittled down to zero if you have always been given wide berth to be yourself? Can a wild horse appreciate the confines of a barn and fence?

    I have had the privilege to have lived on both sides…to experience the differences.  Yet somehow I can see how she has been 'offered' the choice to go into the barn and has refused…preferring the open space.

    Seeing the two of us, one raised as a wild and free person and the other with someone holding my reins, steering me, and using me for their use.  A work horse and a wild free one.

    I ran away into the land she was raised in. 

    And yet didn't know how to roam free.

    Just has hard as it would be to get her acclimated to the barn, it was equally hard to become accustomed to having no reins.

    She wasn't introduced to religion until she was 16. She had to take a college course on religion to learn about them all.  She then saw them with a well defined sense of self and reality and they were seen with a much clearer eye than say mine….I was introduced by being submerged into it, never having lived outside of it.  There wasn't a choice.

    Can you imagine introducing a 16 year old to religion; to take away their free spirit and put it in a barn?  Imagine if it was illegal to speak to children about religion until they turned 16.  Religions would dry up…and spirituality would bloom.

    Not only was I kept on a short leash, but abused.  It was like my course was powerlessness, while her's was empowerment.  I had to fight my way to the place her parents kept her.

    Just as she didn't have a choice but to follow her free spirits, I had no choice but to live in the barn.

    Yet somehow, I believed I wanted to be in the religion that it was my choice, when in fact, I was born in captivity. It was my comfort place, and the lands outside the barn were places to fear or at the very least seemed foreign and uncomfortable.

    Interesting we both felt at home on opposite ends of the spectrum…and I would have lived there forever, If something within me didn't begin to get restless….yearning for something, I just didn't know what.

    It was as if the land of wide open mind space was calling me. And I am not certain I would have made the leap, if my barn if you will, didn't explode.  If my illusions were not exposed…everything collasped and I was left standing in an open field.

    And it took me many years to find my way, my self, and my power.

    I just get left with the total different mindset our parents had…to empower or keep powerless.  Her life was lived completely different based upon the intentions of her parents. 

    Two different journey's of empowerment…one was taught from birth and one was discovered when the illusion fell apart.  Her parents never lied to her, and mine lived out their lies…raising me in a non-reality based childhood, while hers was the total opposite.  It was an amazing encounter…I had never met anyone raised so free.

    Imagine being allowed to be yourself or actually be forced to be yourself, find and live your own truth! Being raised not to follow…

     

     

     

     

     

  • Nothing to Hide.

    Today's reading from Mark Nepo's book, "The Book of Awakening"

    "I often think of Nicodemus, the one Pharisee who secretly believed in Jesus and who would meet with him anonymously at night to have deep spiritual conversations, but who would never acknowledge his questions of spirit or his association with Jesus in the light of day.  Of course, this did nothing to the essence of Jesus, but traumatically thwarted and plagued Nicodemus for the rest of his days."

    "This story shows us the quiet pain that comes from not honoring what we know to be true, even if all we know to be true are the questions we are asking.  It is even more useful to realize that we each carry a Jesus and a Nicodemus within us; that is, we each have a divine inner voice that open us to truth and a mediating social voice that is reluctant to show its truth to others."

    "The famous British child psychologist D.W. Winnicott called these aspects of personality our True and False Self.  it is the True Self that lets us know what is authentic and what has become artificial, while the False Self is a diplomat of distrust, enforcing a lifestyle of guardedness, secrecy, and complaint."

    "In everyday terms, this means that each time we experience a change in reality as we know it, we must choose whether to declare or hide what we know to be true. At such moments, we either need to bring the way we have been living into accord with that shift of reality, or we need to resist the change.  Thus, in daily ways, whether we live in our True or False Self depends on our willingness to stay real.  And so, over time, staying real becomes the work of keeping our actions in the world connected to the truth of our inner being, allowing our True Self to see the light of day."

    "Very often, we continue, out of habit or fear, to behave in old ways, even though we know that the way of things has changed.  Time and time again, I have found myself at this crucial juncture: having to admit that what was essential is no longer essential and then needing to summon the courage to make the act of living essential again."

    "I know that every time I hear or see the truth but hold to the old way – of being or thinking or relating – I am giving my life over to Nicodemus in me.  And in doing so, I embark on a divided life, in which I listen to the divine inner voice secretly at night, but deny it day after day."

    "But this moment of inner embarrassment, when we catch ourselves in the act of split living, is also the recurring chance for us to honor once again what we know to be true. For anyone, no matter how wounded or distressed, can in a moment of truth let the God within show itself out here in the world.  However small or fleeting, this one repeatable act can restore our common and vital sense of being alive."  Mark Nepo

    This is exactly as I have witnessed myself and others.  I too used to hide from the truth, instead of declare it. I too used to not have the courage to align myself with the voice of truth within me.  Until my truthful life became too big to hide.  My false sense could not create a shield big enough to hide behind.

    What I have experienced since bringing my truth to the light of day, is seeing my old self.  Seeing how others say things to me in 'secret' how they reveal their deeper self, but then are unable to walk with it in the light of day.  I totally feel how that is. 

    Somehow we are more afraid of the truth than living a false life.

    When I began bringing my truth to the light of day, it became a way of being.  In each situation I would be asked to declare or hide.  And I knew that in the past, my hiding from the truth didn't prevent it from hurting me.  For eventually I had to face it…so I declare now, rather than hide.

    I also believe that we are in the midst of a great change, where it will become impossible to live a false life.  That our awareness will increase and you will see the how hopeless it is to pretend.  

    And, that even if you can't display your truth, others in your families will….and in turn take down the closet door, leaving you exposed against your will.

    Each of us know inside of us what the truth is by how afraid we are of being found out.  The higer the fear, the more we have to hide.  

    If only I could impress upon anyone who is living this divided life, the ease and peace you will gain by becoming one…

    It will be hard to extricate your self from the false life you have built, but in the end, you will be standing as one self with nothing to hide.

     

  • Words to My Experience.

    In the past seven years I have doubted and felt awkward with my new sense of awareness, of being able to discern my truth, while others it seemed were most intent on hiding theirs; I was undressing my truth like a stripper.

    Once you have awareness, it doesn't leave you.  You can choose not to use it, but it remains inside of you. You now have a sixth sense about you.  You see and feel deeper, and have a knowing that can't be set aside.

    What I didn't know was how I had it and others appeared not to have it.  How it came to me in the middle of a trauma that shattered my whole world.  How my perceptions seemed so completely off compared to others.  I no longer could fit into my old way of thinking and past relationships.  Something seismic had happened.

    I am reading a book by Gary Zukav, "Spiritual Partnership: The Journey to Authentic Power, and he writes about my experience.

    "This is a book about change, the biggest change possible or imaginable – change bigger than the discovery of fire, bigger than the invention of the wheel, bigger than the origin of cultures, the birth of religions, the rise of nation-states, and the impacts on science. It is bigger than anything that has come before and so big that is not possible to envision what could come after or when."

    "This is a book about possibilities.  Experiences, insights, motivations, and creations beyond our ability to imagine only a few years ago now call to us, beckoning us to new destinations and yet more new possibilities. All is new and fresh, like a blank page awaiting words, a canvas inviting the first brushstroke.  In the past others have glimpsed and sometimes explored, these new possibilities, but now everyone is beginning to see or sense them. We have crossed the threshold and there is no turning back. There is now way to turn back."

    "This book is about power. The old kind of power – the ability to manipulate and control – now produces only violence and destruction. This is a real surprise, because the old power enabled us and our ancestors to survive.  Like good medicine suddenly turned bad, it is now poison.  We used to take it to stay alive.  Now we need to avoid it to stay healthy.  A new kind of power – authentic power – has become the new good medicine, and we need it to become healthy, nurturing and whole."

    "Change, possibilities, and power that we could not have imagined are reshaping the entire human experience.  New values, goals and intentions are everywhere appearing like grass in the spring.  This grass is growing quickly, and where ever it grows beauty appears.  With it comes fields of flowers and vast forests.  A new and surprising world is emerging in new ways and surprising ways.  We are all students in a new school, explorers in new territory, and pioneers in a new human experience."

    "This unprecedented transformation in human experience has two parts.  Process A and Process B.  Process A is happening automatically, so to speak.  No one needs to do anything to make it happen.  Process A is occurring in millions of individuals, and soon Process A will occur in all humans.  Process B is a different story.  It requires Choice.  Specifically, YOU must choose to make Process B happen or it will not happen in you.  Even if others choose to make Process B happen in themselves, Process B will not happin until you choose to make it happen.  In short (1) Process A is happening to everyone, or soon will, and there is nothing you or anyone else can do about it; (2) Process B is happening only to individuals who choose to make it happen in themselves; no one else can make it happen in them; and they cannot make it happen in anyone else."

    "Let's give process A and Process B names. Process A is the expansion of human perception beyond what we can see, hear, taste, touch and smell.  It is a very big deal.  Process A is seeing for yourself that the world is larger than you thought – much larger- and also different than you could have imagined.  Before Process A occurs, your perceptions of the world are confined to what your five senses tell you about it.  After Process A occurs, your five senses continue to tell you about the world and, in addition, you experience more. The "more" is sometimes difficult to describe to individuals who have not yet experienced Process A, but actually millions of individuals have already experienced Process A or are experiencing it and haven't realized it yet."

    "Process A allows you to know things about others that your five senses cannot tell you, for example, that someone is going to call you just before she calls, that your daughter in another city has been in an accident, that your grandparent is passing on, that you should avoid driving until you check the breaks on your car and so on.  In other words, Process A involves intuition in a big way.  Process A also allows you to experience yourself in new ways, for example, as more than your mind and your body. It reveals your life as purposeful like water calls a thirsty man.  Process A allows you to encounter meaning in unexpected ways, for example that everything is perfect or feeling of connection with a stranger. Process A allows you to see from an impersonal perspective. From that perspective, all of your experiences, even the most painful – serve your spiritual development and the spiritual development of those around you.  They provide exactly what you need to develop the strength, compassion, and wisdom to give the gifts that you were born to give."

    "Process A is an expanded awareness that includes not only the perceptual system of the five senses but also a second system that detects intelligence, compassion, and wisdom that are real but not physical.  This system allows you to experience nonphysical reality in many ways including those just mentioned. Process A is multisensory perception.  This is the great transformation in human consciousness that is currently emerging throughout the human species.  Within a few generations, all humans will be multisensory. They will experience not only the domain of space, time and matter, and duality that has been the totality of experience for most humans since the origin of humanity, but also nonphysical domains and dynamics that affect us and that will affect us."

    "This brings us to Process B.  Process B is bringing that new potential that comes with Process A into your life.  Multisensory perception (Process A) changes your perception, but it does not change you.  It shows you things that you could not see before, but it does not make you use your new knowledge.  It illuminates dynamics that you could not see – dynamics that you can apply to change your life and world permanently for the better – but it does not require you to apply them.  It reveals your creative power, but it does not make you create wisely.  On the contrary, you will continue to create as you have in the past until you choose otherwise.  If you are angry, for example, Process A (multisensory perception) will not make you less angry.  It also will not create different consequences for you than acting with anger has created in the past.  People will still avoid you, still be intimidated by you, still refuse to be vulnerable with you, and you will still be isolated, lonely and longing for meaningful relationships, and angry."

    "Process B is experiencing and changing in yourself the interior sources of your painful emotions (such as anger, jealousy, vengefulness and so on), obsessive thoughts (such as judging others or yourself, longing for someone or something to change your life, and so on), compulsive activities (such as workaholism, perfectionism, and so on), and addictive behaviors (such as overeating, smoking, drinking alcohol, using drugs, watching pornography, gambling, and so on).  It is also experiencing and cultivating in yourself the interior sources of your pleasing emotions (such as gratitude, contentment, appreciation, and awe of Life).  In short Process B is creating the fulfilling and joyful life that is calling to you."

    "This takes work, but choosing Process B can produce almost instantaneous results in your life.  In other words, choosing Process B can fundamentally change your life in a very short time. This does not mean that you become a radically different person the first or second time you engage in Process B.  Process B is not that simple or easy.  However, each change that you make in yourself as you engage in Process B is fundamentally transformative. The first change is fundamentally transformative, no matter how small it may appear.  The second change is fundamentally transformative, and so forth.  Process B is incremental.  It happens choice by choice, and each choice that you make moves you in a new direction toward a new and healthy goal – a personality whose experiences are so dramatically different that you cannot always forsee what they will be."

    "Process B requires you to choose words and deeds, moment by moment, that will create joyful and constructive consequences even when painful or violent emotions roar through you. Process B is changing your life with the force of your own will, guided by your own awareness, with intentions that you consciously choose, assisted by the compassion and wisdom of the Universe experienced in personal and meaningful ways.  This transformation is more than change toward a better or more healthy life.  It is transformation toward the highest, most noble, healthy, and grounded part of you.  That is your soul."

    "In other words, Process B is finding and changing all the parts of your personality that do not intend what your soul intends, and finding and cultivating all the parts of your personality that do intend what your soul intends. Your soul intends harmony, cooperation, sharing and reverence for Life.  Each time you create with one of these intentions, you create authentic power – a life of meaning and fulfillment, gratitude, vitality, creativity, and joy.  Process B is creating authentic power."

    "Without Process A (mulitsensory perception) happening to everyone, Process B (creating authentic power) would not be possible for anyone.  Process B is aligning your personality with your soul, but your five sense cannot detect your soul.  The sou is an interesting idea to some five-sensory individuals, but it is not experientially meaningful to any of them.  Now millions of individuals are experiencing multisensory perception (Process A), and they are changing their lives because of it (Process B).  You are experiencing multisensory perception or you would not find this book interesting or valuable.  The ideas in it have no appeal to intellects that are informed by the five senses alone, but they call to all hearts that are informed by multisensory perception.  Multisensory perception and authentic power are the two defining characters of the transformation in human consciousness that is now under way.  The first emerges without effort, affects all perception, and reveals new dimensions of experience.  The second awaits your commitment, courage, compassion, and conscious communication and actions to bring it into your life. The first is a wondrous gift from the Universe.  You must create the second.  Multisensory perception does not impair your choice. Multisensory individuals are as free to pursue external power (the old kind of power) as they are to create authentic power, but the choice to pursue external power now leads only to violence and destruction between individuals (at the least), and physical violence and destruction between religions, cultures, and nations. There are no redeeming benefits to the choice of external power. There are no benefits to it at all."

    "Five sensory humans evolve by surviving.  Multisensory humans evolve by growing spiritually. This dramatic difference requires dramatically different relationships."

    "The new type of relationship for multisensory humans who are evolving through creating authentic power is spiritual partnership.  A spiritual partnership is a partnership between equals for the purpose of spiritual growth.  It attracts multisensory humans who are creating authentic power as much as old-type relationships attracted five-sensory humans who were pursuing external power.  The purpose, nature, and function of spiritual partnerships are different.  The dynamics of spiritual partnerships and the experience that spiritual partnerships cocreate are different.  This new type of relationship is as inseparable from emerging multisensory humans who are creating authentic power as old-type relationships were from five-sensory humans who pursued external power."

    "Creating authentic power requires relationships of substance and depth.  You cannot grow spiritually until you have the courage to enter into meaningful and significant relationships.  In other words, spiritual partnerships are a necessary part of Process B. Every encounter provides you an opportunity to create authentic power, but when your encounters include others who are also using their experiences to create authentic power, the potential for a spiritual partnership comes into being. Potential spiritual partners recognize the commitment, courage, compassion, and conscious communications and actions of one another. They naturally strive to support one another in creating authentic power and to receive the support of one another in creating authentic power.  They journey toward the same goal, recognize fellow travelers, and learn from one another.  Evolution now requires you to create a fulfilling and joyful life – to give the gifts that you were born to give – and spiritual partnerships bring you into cocreative interactions with others who are doing the same."  Gary Zukav

    I now can tell those who are going through the changes and those who are not.  I feel great comfort in reading this, for it puts words to my experience.

     

     

April 2026
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