I M Perfect lady

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  • Seek to Become more Aware.

    Jason Torola put it so clearly, "

    Beth, You'll get the last word. You always do. But know this; I've seen what you wrote. I've seen what you tried to do.

    A wise man told me, "You can fool the fans, but you can't fool the players." Beth, we are all players here.

    I don't have to get the last word, but people usually stop talking and I can't make them talk, so is it really my problem that I get left in silence?  

    His reference to what I wrote isn't something I feel would be beneficial to post on my blog…it isn't my journey…I myself have no problems with airing it…but it isn't mine to air.

    And he is very correct in stating "We are all Players here."

    Yes we are. And how you play the game will define your integrity and your authenticity.  And I love that there are no fans to fool.  For you truly are not fooling anyone…you only look foolish.

    I know what my intentions are and how I personally play the game and furthermore, who I like to play with.

    I am not interested in the struggle of convincing someone to do or say or be a certain way.  I used to.  I mothered that way.  I gave it up five years ago…and in its place granted freedom to all who have a relationship with me.

    You Jason get to be Jason…please do and say and be exactly as you feel.  I truly would not want you any other way. The same goes for the rest of your family and each person and family in the church and out.  

    I have no desire to change a hair on your head.  However, IF it is YOUR desire to change and want a cheerleader, I will cheer you on as you play this new game.

    But, if you want to continue in the old system of seeking power and control…we part ways.  I don't play there anymore.  And I will not tell you you can't play there.  Play away.  Demand, rage and work to bend and control OR give up your power and people please and play that way…either way it is a game I no longer play.

    It is my goal, my intention to completely take myself out of that old game. Certainly there will be times when I slip and fall and veer off course and find the old me wanting to control, or feeling above others by making them feel less…but it doesn't feel good inside of me no more.  I have lost the taste for that old game.

    It has taken a great deal of work to get out of that game and its cost to my life were way too much…If and when I find myself playing that old game, I quickly work to exit out.

    Jason I was a very forceful player in the old system….and I can certainly see how you can see me that way.  But in the past 7 years I have been feverishly working to remove all desire to play that way.

    I am making choices that are the opposite of how I used to live life. I was completely exhausted and totally without a clue as to how to change and control so much dysfunction….I walked out.

    I gave up control and found freedom.

    I concentrated on my self.

    I began to save only me.

    To control only me.

    To play only for me.

    And it worked like magic…I became a player that no longer needs to find its power by controlling other people.  My power is gotten by being free.

    I truly, truly wish for you and all…the experience of being free.  It was not then or is now my intention to break up families. It would be my greatest joy to see one family make it through this journey intact.

    It wasn't to be that way for me.  It is not now or ever a walk I want for one other soul…but It isn't up to me.  Remember Jason, we are all players…and what we put out comes back into our lives.

    Play well…there is no fooling the fans.  We are aware of the truth, whether we show it or not…it is there.  Each of us will have the choice to follow our awareness or to sit this round out….but awareness is yours to pick up…or yours to ignore.  

    Awareness is the Gift I have discovered…placed there for when you get tired of being in the old game.  It is automatic, you don't have to be cute enough, good enough or wise enough….it is just there.

    It is there waiting for you to glance its way…to begin to see life in a whole new way.  You lose the fight and seek to become more aware.

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    This is a quilt I titled, "Awareness"  my daughter owns it.  Photograph by Hannah Jukuri

  • Uncomfortable to Face

    There is a one two punch in following your feelings.  The blow that you were right when you actually wanted to be proved wrong and secondly that your inner compass is spot on. 

    What people fail to appreciate is that I am not creating the truth that affirms me, they are acting on their own, by their own volition.  

    I am not putting words in mouths or fingers to keyboard, I am not manipulating them or their blog posts or the conditions of their blogs. They are doing this on their own free will.  

    I simply observe and respond.

    My brother's blog, http://www.messyguru.typepad.com received a comment from Jim Torola that succinctly shows why I had to back away.  The character assignation he delivered to my brother has no proof in reality. None.  

    I am not defending my brother, he does this well enough on his own, but I want the record to show if you will, that my actions were validated.

    I can't know why Jim wrote what he wrote or where these ideas came from.  All I can know, is that they don't ring true for me.  He wasn't writing about the brother that I know.

    Walking hand in hand with reality is often painful when you want a different outcome.  But, I have learned that regardless of my wishes, reality marches on.

    It seems one blog has erased all the past posts, but the last one. 

    Are we as good as our last word?  Can you live without a past?  Can you simply erase it like blog posts?  Can you leave out the dark parts and focus up ahead?  Is it possible to live life like you were born today?

    My history is precious, each morsel and drop. Each ugly stain and scuff…is my journey. There is no word I would erase, no part I would remove, no person I would not have met, no lesson I would have missed.

    Each and every thing I have said and done is me being me.  Certainly there are places and very long stretches of me acting unconsciously…of presenting the perfect rendition of a person who is brainwashed.  A confused lost abused person. I did that well.

    I even did a great presentation of exiting out of a dysfunctional family while being dysfunctional.  I was and am viewed as mental and crazy…certainly that can apply. 

    I no longer fit into what they call 'normal' and 'family'.  I stand out, thankfully so.  I no longer mesh with their mentalness.

    But, erase a part or forget a moment, or live like I had no past….never.  My past is what I had to overcome to become who I am today.  

    It was like all aspects of myself were taken away and I was set upon scavenger hunt to get them back.  Finding a piece of my self here and there, a part of me lost in this belief and that desire.

    If I had left my past behind and set out to form a completely new me, I would have left my soul behind.  I would have skipped the hunt to find the real me.

    It would have been leaving one nightmare to build a fantasy…a very similar tactic that an abused child uses.  It wipes out the harsh reality and goes on to create a fantastical blog of kindness…while reality marches on.

    This is exactly what I did as a child.  My reality was too unkind, so I created a nice looking happy place for me to go to, not looking or recording the dark history…

    And sadly, while I was busy in my new happy space, a pedophile was busy molesting little girls. 

    I no longer try to escape to a fantasy land and instead turn and head into that which is uncomfortable to face.

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    Photograph by Hannah Jukuri

     

     

     

     

     

  • My Truth Against Me

    The battle of the Blogs continue…and I wonder what its real agenda is?  What is the real meat of the discontentment and why does it really matter who writes what or if at all.  

    What I have found upon writing period, whether it be on a blog or not, is that if you write long enough, the truth will emerge…like magic.  If you want to know the answers, writing it out seems to straighten out the mind, so you can find a trail.

    In my pursuit of my own truth writing was and is my greatest tool.

    I write to understand me.  

    In writing I have learned a huge amount about me.  It has been a conversation between me and myself and I have shared this by putting it out in blog form.

    Due my history which I can't escape from, I write from the viewpoint of my history.  I am a woman who was raised in a very strict religion and was raped by my father. 

    The affects of having grown up in that environment changed who I was…it altered me, tilted me, put me on an awkward slant.  It had me seeing the world as a woman with a mental disease.

    Where abuse was a 'normal' life.

    My writings have been to right me.

    To untilt my beliefs.

    To see what abuse touched and to straighten out my mind.

    I write to see clearly, that which I am not able to see.

    I have learned what the affects have done to me and what I passed on to my children.

    I have learned how I left abuse…how I operated with my life due to this backwards start.  

    My blog is a public document of my private struggle.

    Having lived for 46 year so disingenuously, my razor sharp focus now is to be impeccable with my word and to follow them with actions of the same.  I aim to walk my talk.

    I know the cost of not facing my truth…so it is my intent to now live my truth as I know it.  And along the way point out things that I feel are off for me.  

    When they are off or don't seem quite right….I move away.  In the past, I may have stayed out of fear of reprisals, but not any more. Fear doesn't keep me frozen unable to change as life dictates.

    I love that I am free to support a blog and then free to change my mind. I love that others are free to read and then free not to read.  I love that they are free to agree or not agree.  Free to comment or not.  

    Blogging is indeed another vehicle of communication…what you say when you speak is up to you.  If you want to communicate with certain blogs, again up to you.  Or if you want to silently ride along, that too is up to you.  

    My blog tends to push buttons, for it is delving into sacred grounds that are typically unchallenged and usually not aired out in public. I am putting myself out there for anyone to take potshots and they do. I am shining lights upon subjects, people and beliefs that some fear to have disclosed.  I totally understand that I am breaking the unwritten rules.

    I am not being passive and apathetic or pleasing to get along…I am willing to share my life experiences, coming from whence I came….and talking about the two very influential life changing forces…Abuse and Religion… Two hot button subjects.

    I make no apologies…or step softly around items that I know will explode if I dare oppose. I step anyway.  

    Abuse thrives due to walking quietly around it, by whispering instead of putting it out where all can see.

    I have been convicted in the family court for knowing and saying nothing….I will not make that same mistake again.  If I know, If I feel, If I suspect….I will share.

    Tom Rosemergy is the first person I tell when I hear a new name.

    When I discover a new truth, it usually arrives on the blog.  This has been my vehicle to be an open book to read…for in the past, I was way too silent.

    In the past my silence was a vehicle that abuse used.

    Again, there are very few blogs about abuse within the FALC, or ex-members talking candid about their experiences, it isn't always easy to discern the value each blog has.

    My blog will not be of value to those who are in support of the church. My blog will not be of value for those who are not victims of abuse. My blog will not be of value for those who want to remain in toxic relationships. 

    Certainly there will be voyeurs into my life, who then go on and use it to disparage me…who will turn it with their own minds.  I can't control how other people see me.  

    What I have found is that when I am comfortable with my truth, you can't use my truth against me.

     

     

     

     

     

  • Happy Valentine’s Day

    I started Happy Valentine's Day with a yoga class for me.  I met myself in the mirror and while doing the postures, felt great warmth for my body. For all its been through and for seeing that it has been showing me all along what my mind thinks and where my priorities are.  It relentlessly reveals my truths to me.

    It truly has been my greatest friend accurrately showing me how I view life.  It doesn't lie.

    It has been my faithful companion on this journey, recording events which the mind could not hold, carrying out orders of a confused mind, and using pain to gain my attention.

    And mostly been the brunt of my disdain…me blaming it, while it is really blameless and I am the one who leads.

    I decide either knowingly or unconsciously to neglect or care for it.

    I can either decide to feel my truths or let them slide by 'unnoticed'.

    I am the one that brought it into situations where it felt uncomfortable, I ignored its clear signals.  I wanted to be liked and accepted more by others than my own body.  I would reject it to serve another's happiness.

    I used to see myself a victim of my body…when in fact I was the perpetrator of all its ills.  There is no one to blame for my inner relationship or that lack thereof with my body.

    I have been learning what love means between me and me.

    To love myself enough to speak up knowing that it isn't popular.

    I love myself enough to recognize the signals of my body.

    I love myself enough to care for my body…to question my mind, to seek my truth, to boldly do that which I am moved to do, uncaring how the opinions of others change about me. 

    My respect for my self matters more.

    Wayne Dyer speaks of "being beyond the good opinion of others"…Loving your self brings you there.  And it is what I feel is meant by, "If I gained the world, but lost my spirit…"

    On Valentine's Day I remain faithful to the first one I must love, in order to love another, ME.

    Happy Valentine's Day.

     

  • Gaining a friend

    When I began writing, it was all about finding the truth.  I was so lost in knowing what was the truth and what was not…I wrote to find my way. 

    The reasons for this is that speaking the truth is not something that we all do.  Living the truth is for certain what we are not used to.  In fact I feel a flush of shame in speaking the truth.  Isn't that odd???

    You would think that telling lies would have me feeling the heat of getting caught, of being in trouble, and of losing friends…but for telling the truth???

    Even my new young friends have turned away…not because I lie, but because I say what is true for me.

    I don't get this…and yet I do.

    I wasn't taught to tell my truth, feel my truth and certainly not point out or act upon someone else's truth.  In fact telling the truth got me in trouble and was cause for a cold shoulder, annihilation.  And it still remains that way from folks who know, but don't want me to say.

    No one it seemed wanted to wave their truths around.  My father hid his and my mother helped him…and so did I.  It was a given within the family, NoT to talk about it.  To go on and present normal.

    Think about it.  Lies and lies of omission are seen as commonplace. And the truth a shocking attack.  How???

    This is a huge part of the ongoing abuse…what happens to those who speak up…and who point out the discrepancies between what is presented and what happens behind the scenes.  Doors begin to shut…distance opens up, we get pushed away…for telling the truth.

    Only those unhealed in abuse fear the truth.  

    Those who are seeking to be healed, need the truth. The truth is our way out. Untruths will keep you locked in the awkward dance of two lives.

    One where on surface it is a beautiful picture…but the feelings and emotions don't match.

    I used to live there.  I know what it is like to have a life and have feelings that are a complete juxtaposition.  I too used to lie to be normal.  I understand.

    My lies of normal did not make a father…but hid a pedophile.

    My lies supported abuse.

    I no longer can lie.

    I will lose 'friends' but friends don't lie to each other.

    I am sorry…for the potential seems so alive and electric…our similarities so great…and then.

    Then there were big gaps where truth needed to be…and actions taken.  A hole…a space, an opening, a chance, an opportunity to be forthcoming and instead silence screamed out.  Omitting the truth.

    Perhaps my flush of being caught in the truth, is a knowing.  A line in the sand, that separates and divides.

    It isn't so much me and you…but my truth and you from your truth.

    I just keep feeling flung back at the oddness of being caught with the truth and how that feels like I will get in trouble for it.  Striking to say the least.

    It is like I have been taught that telling the truth is as bad as what normal people feel about telling a lie.  Can you see the flip in how I was punished for telling the truth and rewarded and accepted for telling lies.

    It used to be more important to get along and be liked, to not toss rocks of truth into the waters and blink away red flags…but I no longer want to build a life of lies…

    My body doesn't do well knowing one thing, but saying another.  I am no longer capable of remaining silent.  I cannot omit that which I feel.

    And I will lose friends or fail to make some…but a me who lies to be liked will not be liked by me.  My integrity means more than gaining a friend…

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    A lady who knows her truth…imperfectly.

  • The Questioning Part of You.

    There are, at least to my knowledge, not many blogs about the FALC or more succinctly, abuse and the FALC.  When I began blogging about my experience, my focal point wasn't to look against the church, but rather to share my experience about being abused.  I just happen to be a past member of the First Apostolic Lutheran Church.

    In the past year, two more blogs popped up, Jim Torola's and his wife Judy's.  And there is one called extoots, that is similar, but more looking into the churches similar to the FALC and the members that have left.

    Each of us are writing from our points of view, with intentions hidden or in plain view.  

    My intentions were for the sole purpose of allowing others to see my personal journey, healing from being sexually abused as a little girl.  I wanted there to be a place where others could go to relate…and to break the silence.

    We have this wonderful tool that we can communicate with folks we would never have the experience to physically come in contact with. A way to pass on information and a place to voice and comment.

    It truly wasn't my intention to shine a bad light upon the church, but sadly the truth and reality make it so.  

    What some have mistakenly seen as attack or anger towards the church, is actually a passionate voice wanting you to see that within your hallowed walls lurks a sick disease.

    And yes, I agree that all churches have this disease, for all churches are made up of human beings.  I get that.  But there just seems to be a disproportionate amount within the FALC.  And perhaps that isn't even the bigger issue, but the silence about it.

    No one is talking openly and with a passion to stop the spreading of this awful behavior upon little children.

    And there is a cautionary point I want to make, about the blogs that are out there.  Don't read at face value, don't leave your discernment behind, look and see and pay close attention to what isn't there.

    And please do the same here.  I don't want you to believe that which I write, without you first checking to see if it makes sense to you.  I want you to actively question and please dialogue with me.

    I want you to look around your church and families, to listen closely to stories you hear, to awaken your own inner voice and wonder.

    I feel that my blog is open and free for an exchange of ideas.  I am by my own admission a very passionate advocate for victims of abuse…and secondly against parties that seek to control them.

    What I find a bit discerning about Jim's blog is the lack of a comment section. And now Judy's blog has a log on section that seems odd to me.  I don't know that means.  Why does it matter who reads?  I can see that you as a blog owner have the write to take offending comments off, but to closely monitor who is reading seems a tad off.

    The strict control bothers me about both the blogs.

    What puzzles me is that Her second blog is wide open, but there is no discussion that pertains to the FALC, abuse or for that matter subjects that are deeper than the surface.  I find it odd to monitor the deeper subjects… And just interesting that it isn't a blog habit, for she has two totally different blogs.  One closed and one wide open.

    I feel a natural sense of curiosity in this and a huge lack of trust…and feelings that I am being monitored as I enter her site.  I will not register and enter into her 'controlled' site.  

    I don't have a secret part of me, I stand here in the open all sides revealed, there is no part of me that remains in the shadow, nor do I care to closely monitor who looks upon this site…and me.

    It is my intention and hopes that this site will offer comfort and answers and maybe even a place to see a differing view.  A voice in the silence…speaking up and about abuse and the FALC.

    I want you to see me with your truth and your own discernment, please bring all of you to me.  I want this site to be open and free to browse.  I care not who you are as you read, and I hope that what I have to say will awaken the questioning part of you.

     

     

  • Norm within the Church

    The latest news within the FALC, is that the Chairperson of the Zion church was caught with his pants down so to speak…which to me is a huge red flag waving once again above the steeple.

    How many flags need to be waved before the people in the pews will see that this behavior isn't isolated to a person, that it is an affect of abuse itself?

    Who will see this as a sign pointing to the contents of the family and not try and keep it as rogue behavior?  He is displaying the affects of abuse.  

    How will this affect or not affect the members of the church?

    Who will begin to unhook the mantle of 'purity' and see that beneath the veil lies reality?

    I see him as a confused adult child.  I see him as the natural progression of unhealed sexual abuse.  It isn't just a bad choice…of doing the wrong thing in the wrong place, it is a symptom of a much bigger problem.  

    To isolate him and focus on the act and not see the pathway that led him there is to miss the whole picture.

    His family tree is a new tree in the forrest of names that I have. Another name, another family, another section of the church where the virus of abuse has spread…

    The hope section grows smaller, that this isn't the norm within the church.  

     

  • Not our Time to Connect.

    In the past 6 months, I have been in contact with former members of the FALC, and at first glance, it seemed that we would all be on the same page, but that is not so.  

    The common ground ends at the exit.

    Some have left under their own power, while others were forced out or voted out.  Some have left in search of a new religion, to hear a new voice of God or in rebellion.  I am not sure many left like me.

    I left due to the fact that I discovered abuse was sanctioned by the church…in subtle and not so subtle ways.  I left with the discovery of abuse…and not in search of a new God or religion.  My main exit point was abuse. 

    I somehow misjudged the ex-members, believing that they, like me, sought the truth.  That they were reaching for a deeper meaning in their life, in search of walking with integrity or healing from abuse.

    But that is not always the case.

    It isn't as clear cut as splitting or dividing it into the ex-members and the members…it is much more involved than that.

    Just because you exit the church, doesn't mean you are 'better' as in healed.  Your journey then has just begun.  I assumed many had awakened to their own inner truth, but come to find out there are many more reasons for leaving.

    I failed to recognize the walking wounded and assumed many things about them and their journey and granted them a higher level of understanding then they actually had.

    On the surface the scene appeared to be much more healthy than it actually appeared. Their storyline convincing…and I guess I was eager to greet other ex-members, especially those who too had been sexually abused…to learn, share and find a friendship.

    It seemed to be a perfect match. They knew where I was coming from and how it felt, yet I was too quick in trusting and misunderstood our common ground for equal healing.

    Our similar childhoods made the 'getting to know you' stage much shorter, for we all knew the players.  I dropped my guard and level of discernment and calculations of truth, simply because they came from the church…I assumed many things.

    And I of all people should have known better.  I should have recognized the work it takes to undo the years of being brainwashed and what it does to the human Spirit.

    But I didn't.  I somehow elevated them to my level, without the proof or feedback from them.  

    Perhaps this is all part of the journey, learning how to read people and knowing when to walk away.

    Some have come close to me and backed away and I have done the same.  I have supported blogs, to then no longer support them. I have friended folks on facebook and then unfriended them and have had the same done to me.

    I get it.  It isn't as simple as we all belong together outside of the church…we don't, for we are out here for different reasons.

    There is a huge difference depending upon whether you were forced out or you simply couldn't stay there a minute longer.  

    Some left because their families were not treated well, they leave with resentment and anger.  

    I left knowing the breakdown of the system or that it didn't work on big sins.  I left with a complete inner conviction that the FALC was a key player in keeping abuse in my home.  I felt the failings of the church, personally.  I wasn't kicked out, I ran out.

    It is good to know that I can walk down the friendship path and know when to get off.  That I am free to get to know you and when you show me bits and pieces of yourself that don't ring true, I can back away.

    Just because you walk away from a cult or a dysfunctional family doesn't mean you are automatically healed. You then have to learn how to walk functionally.  The exit is that start of healing, but the healing is a long ways down the road.

    As this blog has evolved, as I have evolved, I have openly supported other blogs…and yet I didn't openly unsupport them.  I believe they are on their journey, just not to the point of which I can fully support. There just seems to be more dysfunction than function.

    I can't knowingly support folks who are unknowingly still abusing…still lost even unto themselves.  

    I would like to warn other newly exiting members to be careful as you make contact with other past members. We all have been subjected to years of brainwashing and not all are striving to gain inner control and are left in a very confused state.

    There really is no difference between being lost in the FALC or lost outside of its doors. Each will have to find their way back to their own inner truth and integrity…and some will remain lose cannons without a connection deep within themselves. 

    I am betting the percentage that make it out, completely out and free of the entanglements of mind control etc are few…most will be lost souls, damaged but free…especially those who were also sexually abused as well as religiously abused, a double twist.

    It is not an easy road to untangle those ties that bound us within the church, and just because we shared similar childhoods are we a good match.

    For some the matching time is not right. We are at different places on our own personal journeys…our level of healing is off.  It is not our time to connect.

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    Photograph by Hannah Jukuri

  • Not the Truth

    The Book of Awakening, Mark Nepo, February 11th – Simplicity

    "So, what does it mean to be simple?  In a world that is complicated, we are often misled to believe that being simple is being stupid, when in truth, it holds the reward for living directly, which is that things appear, at last as they really are."

    "How many times have I seen the gestures of a loved one or colleague and then struggle privately to uncover what it all really meant?  How many times have I done everything possible but ask directly?  How often do I refuse to be direct; not saying what I mean, not showing what I feel, not letting the life around me really touch me?"

    "Amazingly, nothing else in nature is indirect.  The leopard trying to scale the mountain strains and shows its effort. The frightened squirrel in the tree hovers and trembles, showing its fright. The wave mounting toward shore saves nothing as it bows and spreads itself over and over against a shore that openly crumbles to be so loved. Only humans say one thing and mean another. Only we go one way and wish we were somewhere else."

    "Like so many other tasks that await us, the reward is hardly what we imagine.  It seems that Lao-tzu reveals to us a secret tool of living, kept secret by our unwillingness to accept its truth.  This ancient sage tells us quite openly that the act of simplicity – of living directly – is the doorway to the Source of all Being."

    "Imagine if this is true.  I implore you, when feeling lost or far away, try it – try being direct and the Universe without a word will come alive."  Mark

    Facing things directly will feel strange when you are used to hiding behind a self protective screen of being indirect.  The indirect screen is only there to keep your life at a distance and unclear.

    It is terribly frightening to lose the screen, while extremely exhilarating and wild.  You then are in life, with life as it is happening in the truth of what is.

    Indirectly approaching life will keep steering you off of your target. Y

    I know I lived for 46 years indirectly, by never seeing that which was there, and never saying that which I needed to say; had me living a life that was nowhere close to the one that reflected my feelings inside.

    If you live indirectly with your self, you will live a life that is not you, but steered away from who you really are.  Your life will indeed reflect that which you say, do and feel.  The distance between yourself and your truth, is measured by how direct you are.

    And the volume of how much you have to lose by being direct, is showing you how much of your life is indirect…or not the truth.

  • Not Hide

    Mark Nepo writes, "How are you tending to the emerging story of your life?"

    "Like many of us, I seem to be continually challenged not to hide who I am.  Over and over, I keep finding myself in situations that require me to be all of who I am in order to make my way through."

    "Whether breaking a pattern of imbalance with a lifelong friend, or admitting my impatience to listen to my lover, or owning my envy of a colleague, or even confronting the self-centeredness of strangers stealing parking places, I find I must be present – even if I say nothing. I find I must not suppress my full nature, or my life doesn't emerge."

    "Aside from the feeling of integrity or satisfaction that comes over me when I can fully be myself, I am finding that being who I am – not hiding hiding any of myself – is a necessary threshold that I must meet or my life will not evolve.  It is a doorway I must make my way to or nothing happens.  My life just stalls."

    "Tending our stories means that our lies must open if we are to live in the mystery; our ways of hiding no matter how subtle must relax open if we are to be."  Mark

    How appropriate this is, for just yesterday, I was once again asked to not hide myself…to speak up and for my own integrity.

    As a Mail Lady, I have a backup to do my route every other Saturday or when I am sick or on vacation.  He is waiting in the wings to be needed…to be my relief.  Yet time and time again, when I called him, he was unable to, and finally told me that he would only relieve me on Fridays and Saturdays.  Then even Fridays he was unable to. And then it trickled down to him not even returning my calls for relief.  Our communication ceased to exist, my smallest faith in him completely dried up.  I can't rely on someone who is unavailable to even be asked to be available.

    In the past, the backups and regular route drivers communicated without our boss running interference, we had an open and clear communication system of courtesy, of notifying the other of potential days that we would be unavailable…like good parents tending to the route to ensure that it was always taken care of.

    This relatively newcomer to our office has thrown a monkey wrench into how we do things, and oddly enough, it seems he has the most power. 

    The proper protocol is for my boss to find the backup, but we as drivers felt it easier to not have a middleman, but talk directly and share our upcoming events and work around each other to ensure that all of us get to take the days off we truly need.  The higher need, say a wedding would trump a day off to just be off.  Reasons carried a weight, and we were considerate of this.

    Once he stopped returning phone calls, I handed him over to my boss.  It is up to her to reach him, ask my request and then relay it back to me.  

    Yesterday, she tells me he is unavailable to work until March 1. That he has a medical reason.  Which most likely is true, but his past has proceeded him, and it just seems that he is taking me for a longer ride.  The weight of the imbalance is completely on my end.

    My nature is not to take imbalance in silence, I can't let this slip by docile and compliant, for I would not be tending to who I am. 

    As my boss stood up for him, I stood taller for me. I stood for myself and the other two who are faithful and considerate, and who now have to conform to his negligence.  

    My boss astutely felt that I perhaps had more of an issue with her management than his lack of work ethic…and I told her, "I guess I do."

    I felt that as she defended him, she left her three good employees un managed.  She relied on the good to continue to be good…to good naturally take his lack of work ethic one more time.

    What I found so odd, is that instead of coming down on him, she comes down on me.  She expects the good to carry more. And to do so without giving her any lip. Certainly, now with a medical excuse, her hands are tied, but when she stood across the line with him, it left me to stand against authority…I stood up stating my unhappiness.

    It seems like tending to me is to stand up, that I am moved to defend my integrity and faithfulness.  That her asking me to give up my days for his reasons once again is asking too much.

    She repeated many times, "I am sorry."  Until I told her that word from her sounds like a swear.  I can't feel your sorry.  I feel you supporting a man who is disloyal to us all.  Your sorry can't change the fact that I now have to work the next 5 Saturdays in a row.  And it isn't so much Saturday, but the five previous days…with one day off in between.  

    Her answer was to look into getting a backup to the backup.  My answer is to get rid of the no backup backup.  

    Her answer too was that I can find work elsewhere if unhappy.

    She doesn't see that by catering to him, she is neglecting the ones who are doing that which they are hired to do. 

    She tends to those who are neglecting their work.

    This brought me back to the imbalances in our childhood home, and how my mother relied on the good to carry the 'bad'.  That the good have to carry more and more…to keep the balance.

    The failure to carry more is seen to be more of a crime, than the crime itself.

    My mother too was unable to get rid of dead weight, so instead she piled more upon those already carrying.  Never focusing on who we carried.

    My boss is so similar to my mother…and our office much like a dysfunctional home, where the one doing the least or creating the most damage is protected.  And if you don't like it, "Leave."

    The only option I have is to work within her system or quit.

    I see the lay of the land, where her focus lies…and I what I will have to do for myself.  How to become self sufficient as possible and how not to rely on her or get my heart set on having days off.  Things I have to do if I want to work there.

    Just as a child learns what they have to endure to be part of a dysfunctional family.

    I can see clearly now my role as a child; to carry the dead weight.  It was expected of me. 

    The greatest difference in my job is I do get paid for carrying his weight, for working his days.  I am compensated for it…

    It is my intention to use the compensation well. Extra money to do fun things, and floating holidays in which I can play.

    My life isn't at a stall, I am making my way through, I am speaking up and evolving and learning how to use these exchanges for my benefit…to see the present and not hide!

     

     

     

     

     

     

     

     

     

     

April 2026
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