I M Perfect lady

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  • Good Times Better.

    Standing by his mailbox, with a toothless grin is an older man holding a white bag, held shut with a clothespin.  It is near zero, windy and he stands unaffected, his smile is bright.

    "Fresh bread, still warm," he says…"sorry about the bag, but it is all I had."

    I take the bag and feel the warm bread.  "Wow, thanks so much, this is awesome.  I will make soup to go with this tonight.  Thanks again," I say… as we trade mail he shyly smiles…"made it this morning, just took it out of the oven," he says.  "It is warm, I can tell,…thanks I say again, I appreciate it."  We smile and wave and off I drive. 

    Homemade bread smells fill the car.  

    I am struck by emotions of gratitude mixed in with other emotions and heaving sobs come shortly there after.  

    I see his place, daily.  He gives when he has so little and with such wonderful pleasure.

    It wasn't so much his generousity and kindness that caught me off guard, but the lack of comforts he endures with kindness.

    My melencholy was fueled by the book I was listening to, "Iron House" By John Hart.  A book of fiction, but one about two brothers who were raised in an orphanage and how they both came away from that experience.  How one who was highly sensitive didn't fair so well, while the other honed skills that made him street tough to survive.  They endured awful things…and grew to do awful things.

    My emotions and feelings tumbled into how many are not able to find themselves in a life like mine.  How often the abused go on to live lives empty and hard.

    I cried for the ones who can't make it back to solid ground…who get left in a dark place unable to find the light or an easy way to live…little children following the path that abuse started them on.

    The book, the man, the bread, my life, all rolling around stirring up emotions…of gratitude that I didn't left in the place where abuse lives…and real sorrow for those who did.

    Or maybe sorrow for those abused…knowing our lives are changed and some of us just never can change ourselves back.

    And such gratitude that I was one of the rare few…who can turn themselves back around.  It is weird to feel gratitude for self and sorrow for another….accept kindness and generosity coming from a place of hardship…it made the bread richer.  Which I guess is the same in life…the hard times make the good times better.

  • Era of Individuality.

    While listening to Sir Ken Robinson reading his book, "The Element" I was struck many times by the way he saw things in a totally new light, how instead of reforming something that is broken, it is best to transform or evolve into a totally different idea.

    He was speaking about education and how it is modeled after the fast food industry, how every thing is standardised…no surprises, everything matches and conforms.  Imagine?  Our education system has followed the fast food industry, where no imagination or individual passion and ideas are allowed; the main focus is to do well on the standardized test, caring less of the value left inside the child.

    And the standardized test making people and industry is booming…while our kid's minds are being bent to do well on their tests…and their natural instinctual abilities are being ignored.

    He also compared the school day to that of a factory, where bells ring to end a shift or begin one.  Where all like models (made in year 1958) are put together, where each teacher adds one thing to the student, like an assembly line.  

    Some children do well in this conveyor like system, but there are many others whose passion is completely ignored and not allowed anywhere in the school factory for it doesn't fit into the fast food model.

    It seems that the natural talents and abilities, the passions and desires to express what you love to do is being completely overlooked, that the child has to fit into the standardized class, leaving behind the very things that excite him.

    You have to leave behind who you are to fit into this system.

    He spoke of visionary schools, who are doing education completely different, who are teaching backwards it seems.  The teachers take direction from the students…seeing the student, her desires and talents and her interests, and expanding on those…allowing the child to flourish that which is already organically there.  

    He also gave an example of a Kindergarten Class set in the middle of an Old Aged Home…glass walls that didn't quite reach the ceiling, so the children's voices could be heard.  How the elderly walked by with interest for the first few days, and then would stop and ask, what the children were learning.  "We are teaching them to read," the teacher said.  "Can I help?" the elderly asked, "I know how to read."

    The Elderly and Child formed a Reading Buddy System….and the elderly drug intake almost lessened by half.  The child left kindergarten reading at a 3rd Grade level.  The children learned about death and grief, when their Reading Buddy's passed on.  The children also learned about life and history by talking to their Reading Buddy.

    Most of us born into these systems are not even aware of the cost of standardized learning…we simply never considered another way. Our own individualize way of being has never been allowed to grow…most don't even know it is there, for it is buried far beneath all that we had to learn and be in order to graduate.

    Years worth of standardized lesson piled upon our dreams…Often we hardly even caught a glimpse of our natural excitement, before it was squashed and pushed aside, for it didn't fit in.

    Not only do I see the standardized learning, but standardized religion or God learning…spiritual seeking etc.  We are taught about this subject, by having to fit into our parent's idea of who God is and what spirituality means.  We are not allowed to grow naturally into wonderment, but are instead taught the lay of the God land by weary disenchanted travelers (in my case).  

    I wasn't taught the wonders of God, but instead his wrath and what would happen if I didn't obey the rules etc.

    In my standardized religion there was no room from my questions or wonderment or disagreement…I had to conform into their system.

    This leads you to wonder how many other systems do we have in place that were created during the Industrial Age that are broken?

    You have to wonder how at one time they believed what was best for us was to all be the same. To learn and believe the same was a good thing…modeling us after what they deemed a perfect being.

    When born into an already operational system of conformity, we are naturally made to conform by the folks who have lived on this planet longer than us…we believe the natural way to be is to fit in…and there are awards and ribbons for being a good conformist, and their are punishments or nothing for those who don't.

    My way of raising my children began in the industrial era and I have transformed it into a totally free zone.

    I now mother to the individual…I no longer have a standardized religion that they have to fit into. In fact, I am trying to unearth their natural talents and dreams that I buried in my broken way of raising them.

    What is so striking, is that the systems are broken and oftentimes the parents themselves come with dysfunctional baggage.  What a maze our children have to navigate through in order to maintain or hold on to their inner passions. 

    Imagine the change our world would have if all systems were geared to serve passion, talent and natural abilities, desire, excitement and inner joy, from the seed of individual that is already planted there?

    How tragic it is that we have to run through an obstacle course that is set in place to steal this talent away…

    So much of the dis ease and un rest is that so many folks are not doing their natural talents, that their seeds are lying dormant undernourished…that they did conform and are fitting into the world, but dying inside.

    A very interesting overview of what we are teaching brand new seeds that arrive on the planet…we ignore the Element of who they are.

    I certainly hope this next Era is called the Era of Individuality.

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  • In This I trust.

    Some interesting things I learned in my talking to the Law and Dial-Help.

    If you go to the hospital and the Doctor suspects or is told it was domestic violence, hitting etc, the Doctor must report this to the Law of the Land.  If you arrive raped or sexually assaulted, no such requirement is in place.

    I find it strange that they are not treated the same…that sexual abuse is seen as different than domestic violence or perhaps just violence. I wonder if this is the same in all cities of the land?

    Perhaps we need to stop calling it sexual abuse, but sexual violence or I would be okay calling it Domestic Violence, if there then was mandatory reporting. 

    With mandatory reporting the law becomes involved…and it leaves a trail…

    Although, I am not so naive to believe that all sexual violence incidents make it to the hospital, so it still leaves a huge gap in reporting…

    Here is something else.  Even if the Detective finds enough evidence to convict someone, the prosecutor has the final world.  He gets to decide whether it will go to trial.  He is also the one who plays with the pleas and bargains.  I am not certain most people understand the power these lawyers have and how often victims long history of abuse, gets boiled down to the lowest conviction and with each level it is reduced to comes a new sentence guideline.  

    The lower he bargains down the lighter the sentence…As in my father's conviction, he was let go to walk free.  And here's the other thing, Usually, there is 'just' one girl's evidence.  In my father's case, there was 9 of us.  HIGHLY unusual, and still, he walked free.  

    It isn't the quality of the evidence, the composure of the victim, or the work of the detective, it is the quality of the prosecutor that swings the doors open so the criminals walk free.

    Most of my trained knowing self has been taught to focus on getting the perpetrator in jail.  Yet, statistics in our town is that very few cases make it to a jury trial, get even litigated, and an even greater percentage don't even get reported.  So my tendency to lean toward the law and the focus on the pedophile, has to switch.

    Bringing to trial or putting in jail, or making the criminal pay, thinking and mind set, has to be surrendered.

    When the facts and experiences of the victim's cases are clearly showing how pointless the old ways are; we have to find a new path.

    Since we have been beating our heads against a system that is clearly showing us IT does not want to work with us, but against us, we have to play a old game in a new way.

    A part of me doesn't want to give up the idea of 'letting' the criminals go, even if that is clearly reality, part of me fights this.  Resists surrendering and letting them win…letting them walk freely.

    It seems so callous to allow pedophiles to roam free….and yet this IS reality.

    They are roaming for a myriad of reasons, one of which is harder to swallow…the law sets them free.

    Somehow my thinking was to get these names with the Laws of the Land, to get these guys off the streets, when the focus in the Courts is to reduce it to nothing and set them free.

    At one point you have to adjust your sails accordingly and admit that you are on the wrong course, you are heading into a worthless direction.

    So, by bypassing the laws and not expecting or caring if pedophiles walk the street, you can then focus on the needs of the victims.

    And ironically the Dial-Help lady and the Detective are already here.

    They don't expect your truth to follow the path to the court house steps.  They are more interested in your wellness and healing, in what you the victim wants. Certainly, if you feel you want to pursue the laws of the land, they will be your advocate.  But, if you just want to sit and share your horrors, they will lend a listening ear.

    My expectations, my trained way of thinking was focused on getting the bad taken care of…and it had me missing this great piece of being open to anything the victim wants.

    Perhaps the latest rash of reduced sentences was for me to see the flimsy structure of the law, so it would no longer be my secure safe place to rely upon.

    I believed in the law of the land.  I believed if they seen the monster of my childhood, they would lock him up.  I believed and felt secure in knowing that they stood firmly and securely on the side of the victim, that they would be my safe zone…that if you got there, all would be well.  It just isn't so.

    I had thought that my father's case was different, due to the fact that there was a FALC prosecutor, but he is the norm.

    For me, I am a slow learner…I have been watching the social experiment of catching and release and not seeing the system as broken.  It is like sport fishing…

    And the fish keep getting put back into society to create yet another victim.  

    Knowing that there is no one to take the bad guys out, leaves you looking at this from a whole new angle.

    Victims are left on their own.  No one is coming to save you…

    Teaching and empowering victims and potential victims has to be the way forward.  

    This is actually what I had to do. For all systems failed me, leaving me with no recourse but to take care of myself.

    In doing for self, no rules are left standing, no expectations or agendas are expected…outside of you.

    Without there being a no fail system in place, you become the no fail system.  You don't fail you.

    You become the law onto your self…they can't keep the bad man away, you stay away from the bad man.  You do yourself justice.

    Just as I had to surrender to the fact that my father walked free, I too have to surrender to the fact that there are and will be now and for always, negative people in the world…we have to live around that.

    We have to live our lives not allowing their influence to influence us.

    I could have gotten left mourning the fact that he got no jail time and without him in prison, I could still be left there wishing it was so.

    I believe I can get used to the free range criminals, for they have always been there.  I guess we kid ourselves into believing All bad men are in prison, and that the 'few' on the street are making their way there, it is only a matter of time.  I believe I will readjust my thinking and live accordingly.

    Live with the fact that there are pedophiles roaming free…and new victims are being born minute by minute.  We will lose the battle for sure if we focus on the open back door of the system and not see the piles of victims and their needs.

    They truly don't need the bad man to be put away…for it is but a fantasy.  And we don't need another fantasy to believe upon, we need something real and dependable.

    What was real and dependable for me was me.

    I had to learn to rely upon me…

    I turned my focus from outside to inside.

    In turning into me, I found that I was connected to a real no fail system, the Universal laws of mankind. 

    The more I began learning about me, the more I seen the connection and how I was the common denominator in all my experiences, that in changing me, my life changed.  

    And that there is an unseen powerful field we are all dancing in…and you can't escape its balancing sheet…there is no open back door to slip through.

    My justice system is the Universe…and it treats us all equally.  

    What you put out will come back to you in kind.

    When I focused on the small dot, I lost the bigger picture.

    Each of the players in the Law of the Land…are feeding a system of just returns…

    In the bigger picture nothing gets lost…

    Our only care and focus has to be very very personal, it can't matter what anyone else is doing, what you do comes back to you.

    You are literally sending messages to the universe with each beat of your heart…each action, belief and thought will find its way back to you…trust in this.

    No mistakes happen in the realm of the Universe…in This I trust.

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  • It came True for me.

    In a room today were three forces, joined over a common cause; healing victims, empowering victims, reversing the affects of trauma, abuse and being victimized…finding a way to weave together many sources and journeys…Victims helping Victims using the support of all connecting agencies.

    Coming together were three pathways…The law of the land, the victims advocate and me.

    All of us cared about the healing of the victims, knowing the affects that linger long after the trial, no matter the outcome…win or lose, the victim still has wounds and scars that the justice system can't touch.

    We all recognized the healing that begins with the truth being spoken, no matter if a trial is forthcoming, just finding a person to hear your story raises you from the level of shame to acceptance.

    Acceptance carries you to courage and courage allows for your truth to be spoken…and what you need is a very open ear.

    In the room were open ears, willing spirits, like minds, and a dream.

    A dream that one day the shame of being a victim will lessen, where we can all meet and openly share.  For victims to leave their solitary journeys of silence and speak.  

    To stop suffering alone, ashamed…to be able to know that what they feel or not feel is normal.  That they are perfectly perfect living the affects of abuse.  Being confused and lost is the cost of abuse.

    This seems to be the last closet where humanity is hiding, where souls are suffering in silence, and shame the lock on the door.

    All three of us are equally as frustrated and perplexed as to what will open the door of abuse.

    What can we do to offer a path of empowerment and healing that overcomes the cloak of shame?

    How do you get such deeply hurting souls to expose secrets that their very survival depended on to keep silent?  How do we ask them to reveal to us who hurt them, when who hurt them is who they love and call family?

    Inside of family homes lives the monster that they have always called dad or uncle or brother or mother etc..how do we unhook them or ask them to open that door?  When that most likely will lead to them becoming estranged…How to heal…when healing means losing all that you have?

    It seems they are sitting on the bottom and we are asking to pull even that away…leaving them in a free fall…to where?

    I know this journey…I know what we are asking…And I know the cost, but I also know the reward.

    For four hours we talked and learned from each other and a dream was planted.

    Ironically or not, it is Martin Luther King Day….and it came to me after leaving the Dial-Help office…"I have a Dream."

    I have a dream to demolish the closets of shame that surround victims.  To empower each victim to tear down the walls…and to live free.

    Free and unashamed.

    Free and not guilty.

    Free in the truth of their lives.

    Learning not only about abuse, but how to unscramble its affects…learning to find the self they lost and hid away, in shame because of being abused.  

    I have a dream that all abused kids will return to their natural states of innocence…I believe in this dream, for it came true for me.

     

     

  • Who is in charge of our Free Will?

    Another interesting section from Power vs Force by David Hawkins…as it relates to getting out of the negative field of energy.

     

    "The entire field of philosophy is merely evidence that man has struggled and failed for thousands of years to arrive at the simplest recognition of what's true and what's false, or the discourse would have reached some consensus long ago. And it's clear from common human conduct that even if the intellect could reliably arrive at this basic conclusion, it still lacks the power to stop the effect of negative fields. We remain unconscious of the causes of  our afflictions while the intellect dreams up all kinds of plausible excuses, hypnotized by these same forces. Even when a person knows his behavior is self-destructive, this knowledge has no necessary deterrent effect whatsoever; intellectual recognition of our addictions has never given us the power to control them." 

    "In scripture, we're told that man is afflicted by forces unseen. In this century, we've learned that silent invisible rays of energy are emitted by innocent-looking objects – the discoveries of radium paid for this realization with their lives.  Roentgen x-rays are lethal; radioactive emissions and radon kill silently.  The attractor energy fields that destroy us are equally invisible and no less powerful, but are far more subtle."

    "When it is said that some is "possessed," what's meant is that his consciousness has become dominated by negative attractor fields.  By this definition, we can see that entire segments of society are so thoroughly "possessed" that they themselves are totally unconscious of their motives.  Wisdom tells us that one worships either heaven or hell and will eventually become the servant of one or the other.  Hell isn't a condition imposed by a judgmental God, but rather the inevitable consequence of one's own decisions – it's the final outcome of constantly choosing the negative and thus isolating oneself from love."

    "Enlightened being have always described the general populace as being "trapped in a dream"; the majority of people are driven by unseen forces, and for a great deal of our lives, most of us are in despair over this fact. We pray to God to relieve us of the burden of our sins, and we look for relief through confession. Remorse seems woven into the fabric of life.  How can salvation be possible, then, for those who have unwittingly become ensnared by such destructive forces?"

    "In fact, even from a merely scientific viewpoint, salvation is indeed possible; in truth, it's guaranteed by the simple fact that the energy of a loving thought is enormously more powerful than that of a negative one. Therefore, the traditional solutions of love and prayer have a sound scientific basis; man has within his own essence the power of his own salvation."

    "Humanity is an "affliction" that we're all burdened with.  We don't remember asking to be born, and we subsequently inherited a mind so limited that it's hardly capable of distinguishing what enhances life from what leads to death.  The entire struggle of life is in transcending this myopia. We can't enter into higher levels of existence until we advance in consciousness to the point where we overcome duality and are no longer earth bound.  Perhaps it's because of our collective will to transcend that we've earned the capacity to finally discover an inborn compass to lead us out of the darkness of ignorance. We needed something very simple, which could bypass those traps of the wily intellect that we've paid such an enormous price for.  This compass merely says yes or no – tells us that what's aligned with heaven makes us go strong and what's aligned with hell makes us go weak."

    "The ubiquitous human ego is actually not an "I" at all; it's merely an "it". Seeing this illusion reveals an endless Cosmic Joke, where the human tragedy itself is part of the comedy. The irony of human experience is in how fiercely the ego fights to preserve the illusion of a separate individual "I" – even thought this is not a metaphysical impossibility but the wellspring of all suffering.  Human reason exhausts itself ceaselessly to explain the inexplicable.  Explanation itself is high comedy, as preposterous as tyring to see the back of ones's own head, but the vanity of the ego is boundless, and it becomes even more overblown by this very attempt to make sense of nonsense."

    "The mind, in its identity with the ego cannot, by definition, comprehend reality; if it could, it would instantly dissolve itself upon recognizing its own illusory nature.  It's only beyond the paradox of mind transcending ego that what Is stands forth, self-evident and dazzling in its infinite Absoluteness.  And then all of these words are useless."

    "But perhaps from compassion for each other's blindness, we can learn to forgive ourselves, and peace than can be our assured future.  Our purpose on Earth my remain obscure, but the road ahead is clear. With the consciousness level of humanity finally above 200, we may expect great transformations throughout human culture, as mankind becomes more responsible for its knowledge, and thus its deeds. We've become fully accountable whether we like it or not. We're at the point in the evolution of our collective awareness where we may even assume stewardship of consciousness itself. Humanity is no longer resigned to passively paying the price for ignorance, or its communal consciousness wouldn't have risen to its new level.  From this time forth, man may choose to no longer be enslaved by darkeness; his destiny can then be certain."  Gloria in Excelsis Deo David Hawkins.

    While this may seem very wordy and beyond comprehension, my brother and I talk of this often, how is it that some of us are granted the awareness the rise in levels of consciousness and others seem to be frozen in the negative attractor fields. 

    He and I have often stood on two sides, that God gives us the grace he will say, and I will speak more from the side of choice.

    What I believe David Hawkins is saying is that when man chooses to no longer be a slave to the negative energies, he will then seek to be free.

    But, in my experience, many are willing slaves.  They seem to enjoy the lifestyle of the negative, they are not trying to escape or find an answer, in fact they use their intellect to form plausible excuses as to how it is impossible to be free.

    An interesting debate, who is in charge of our free will?

     

  • The Gift is in the Present.

    I am in a book club reading Mark Nepo's book, "The Book of Awakening".  It is written so that we read one reading per day.

    Today's reading I love.

    "So often we anticipate a reward for the uncovering of truth.  For effort, we expect money and recognition.  For sacrifice and kindness we secretly expect acceptance and love. For honesty, we expect justice.  Yet as we all know, the life of experience unfolds with a logic all its own.  And very often, effort is seen, and kindness is embraced, and the risk of truth is held as the foundation of how humans relate. However, the reward for breathing in not applause but air, and the reward for climbing is not a promotion but new sight, and the reward for kindness is not being seen as kind, but the electricity of giving that keeps us alive."

    "It seems the closer we get to the core of all being, the more synonymous the effort and its reward.  Who could have guessed?  The reward for uncovering the truth is the experience of honest being.  The reward for understanding is the peace of knowing.  The reward for loving is being the carrier of love.  It all becomes elusively simple.  The river's sole purpose is to carry water, and as the force of the water deepens and widens the riverbed, the river fulfills its purpose more.  Likewise, the riverbed of the heart is worn open over time to carry what is living."

    "All this tells us that no amount of thinking can eliminate the wonder and pain of living.  No wall or avoidance or denial- no cause or excuse- can keep the rawness of life from running through us.  While this may at times seem devastating, it is actually reassuring, because while the impermanence of life, if fixed on, can be terrifying, leaving us preoccupied with death, the very same impermanence, if allowed its infinite frame, can soothe us with the understanding that eve the deepest pain will pass."  Mark Nepo

    What I love so much about this is that I used to live solely in the reward system…and yet the rewards were often times not forthcoming.  I thought that I was giving wrongly, so I gave more and tried harder.  

    What I failed to realize is that the universal system had a logic all of its own…simply called experience.

    I was so focused on my just reward and waited and fretted and worried and hated and judged and stressed, that I long forgot the feeling of the experience.

    I lived, thought and acted all for a future reward.

    I literally gave for love and acceptance.  And when I stopped giving, the love and acceptance dried up.  It was an awful way to be loved…for it all depended upon me giving and they didn't have to give, all they had to do was give me love and acceptance. 

    I have said I was a whore for love and peace…and this is what it literally means.  I gave to get.

    When the justice system failed me and all the girls who were sexually abused by my father, it seemed that the universal logic was broke. 

    Yet our honesty worked supremely well. We got to experience how honesty and integrity feels.  

    If we put our focus on the 'just' reward, we would be sorely disappointed.  If you put your focus on the feelings and experiences of being honest with your past, it feels amazing.

    I can't even begin to explain the difference between living in the system of rewards compared to living in experience.

    To have zero expectations…

    When you remove the reward, all you are left with is the experience.

    And the experience is solely the focus.

    As Eckhart Tolle says, there are only three ways to experience life…Enthusiasm, Enjoyment and Acceptance….He says nothing about reward.

    I love that there are no rewards in living…that the gift is in the present!

  • The body truly doesn’t lie

    Within my family, there are two ways in which we have dealt with the sexual abuse of our childhoods.  One side believes and is actively in the camp of forgiving and forgetting, while only two of us are in the camp of discovering our own story and giving free expression…as Alice Miller writes in The Body Never Lies.

    " In each and every case I examined, I was able to establish that when people found the kind of therapeutic care and companionship that enabled them to discover their own story and give free expression to their indignation at their parents behavior, they were able to liberate themselves from the maltreated child's destructive attachment. As adults they were able to take their lives into their own hands and DID NOT NEED TO HATE THEIR PARENTS. And the opposite was the case whose therapist enjoined them to forgive and forget, actually believing that such forgiveness could have a salutary, curative effect. They remained trapped in the position of small children who believe they love their parents but in fact allow themselves to be controlled all their lives by the internalized parents and ultimately develop some kind of illness that leads to premature death. Such dependency ACTIVELY FOSTERS THE HATRED that though repressed, remains active, and it drives them to direct their aggression at innocent people. We ONLY HATE AS LONG AS WE FEEL TOTALLY HELPLESS." Alice Miller.

    This is extremely accurate in my experience.  

    I have do not hate my parents.  I understand them.  I completely get who they are and that the only love they can give me is their backwards hurtful love.  

    While I also totally feel the aggression of my siblings towards me, the innocent in the equation of my parents abuse.

    I can also sense this underneath the 'Forgiving' folks, the rage and anger seething while on the surface the speak kind words.  

    In fact, that is a perfect description of my mother in my childhood.  

    Interesting to know, that Forgiveness and Forgetting, actually fosters hate. And here is what I also know to be right on target…."You only hate as long as you feel totally helpless."  

    Empowerment allows you to feel love…and what I feel most from my siblings is this twisted dichotomy….the surface of 'forgiveness' while underneath rages hatred in their physical bodies.

    The body truly doesn't lie…

  • My wrongdoings.

     

    Today I wondered about the meaning of guilt and when is it applicable to feel guilt and even what its definiton was…

    Guilt – Culpable of or responsible for a specified wrongdoing. Justly chargeable with a praticular fault or error. 

    What is my wrongdoing, first off.  What did my do, as my son used to say when he was a child?

    Guilt comes when you have done something wrong.

    As her daughter what have I done wrong.  

    In a letter to her shortly after my father's arrest, I told her that the forgiveness she seeks is of herself.  I can't make her world right, it is not within my power.

    I can however, make changes in my own world; and I have.

    What some see as wrong behavior is actually me making corrections, seeking to find peace in my own world for my actions that served to keep the abuse going.

    I am working on changes within me, in my actions, in my relationships, and working on figuring out what had me so blind to what had been going on in our family unbeknownst to me.

    If I had lived and moved around in this world, unknowingly, I had to now find out how.

    I had to find the faults and errors within me and make corrections.  I had to acknowledge my part in order to change.

    There are no guilty feelings for doing this, none.  My whole body feels completely at peace for what I have done for the past 7 years.

    It is good for me to know, the definition of guilt and that I am only responsible for my wrongdoings.

     PS.  What came to me after posting this, was that I have been working on forgiving myself, on learning about me and accepting what I did at the level of my own understanding and knowing, and then changing my behaviors to correct my wrong doings.

    And my corrective behaviors is what they are most riled about…and what bring me the most peace.  I love that I have forgiven me.

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  • Loving For Me.

    "I wonder, Why you stopping talking at Mom for long time?You need be forgive in your past and let go angry for some reason? You never to know if Mom is gone and you might feel guilty for real. I did forgive what my dad did and time to move on. Please do not waste your time for angry or hate on her. Remember, no one is perfect and you need learn a solve problem. It not hard? Right? Today is new day and do not looking a past.  If you keep emotional, that is not good health. I want to see my family be happy and love anyone!"  Jay Huhta writes on facebook last night.  

    A few entries of my sisters line up beneath…directed at him.

    "you are wise 🙂 Remember Jay, everyone thinks differently and all we can do is respect that….You are sweet Jay, I love you….You are all heart, love you."

    Interesting exchange, it is like there are two conversations.

    And my dialogue would make it three…

    The questions and guilt are always directed at me.  Love and kindness to those who forgive and forget.

    She isn't asked a thing.  

    Nothing is expected from her at all, she is granted all things due to her title, "Mom".  

    Our broken relationship is all my problem; I broke the family pattern, I stepped out of the cycle of abuse, and I am wrong.

    Assumptions are made that I am angry and hateful…that unless I am loving towards abusive people I will feel guilty.

    I used to feel that way, I used to be locked into a frozen stance where no matter what, the only emotion I was allowed to use was love and forgiveness; forgiveness in the abusive sense, of forgetting the abusive actions of changing the past and wiping out the bad things.  Returning that person back to nice.

    My actions are seen as negative, for I will not let go of the past.  I will keep the past as it is, pristine in all its glory, changing nothing.

    I will keep a full image of my father and of his wife and of all they have done to me.  The good, the bad and the very ugly. All of it stays in my book, I will rip no pages out.

    It is written down in the truth of the universe, and you simply can't change what has been done.

    It works beautifully for them to not add the negative things, then you get to keep a kind loving mom and dad.

    My refusing to subtract the hurtful behaviors has my view of my parents totally different that of my siblings.

    The label "Mother and Father" has them capitulating…and I refuse.

    I refuse to go along with allowing abuse.  I know they hate to hear that, I know they want me to believe that they too are taking a tough stand against abuse, that they too will be vigilant. 

    What they want is to have both.

    Standing against abuse and have a happy loving family.  

    Impossible.  

    It literally is not possible when the father is a pedophile and the mother blesses his 'sin's of rapes and fondling away.  

    In a family where abuse lives, you can't stand against it, Unless you stand against the abusers.  It is not my choice that the abusers happen to be my father and mother.  It isn't my choice that those who supported them, happen to be my sisters and brothers.  I stand against abuse, no matter who is wearing it.

    What they call love is to capitulate for abuse; to surrender the facts, the truths and keep a happy loving family.  

    And if you don't forgive and forget you will feel guilty.

    I won't.  

    The only guilt I have felt is for all the years I went along with the abusive family, for supporting her and forgiving him. My guilt is for the first 46 years, and my actions to keep silent about abuse.  I have no guilt about my last 7 years.

    No regrets, none. 

    All my behaviors were perfect for me.  Perfect for someone learning to walk away from abuse. In my confused backwards state; all the actions I took were exactly as they should be.  

    My journey away from abuse began in a state that the abuse had put me in.  Mental, upside down and backwards, with defintions of love completely wrong, disassociated from feelings and emotions and a sense of self.

    I did my best in the state I found myself in.

    I am proud of my last 7 years…it is a huge accomplishment of healing from abuse.  While I see this as a positive, my family still back within the 'loving' confines of family see it negatively.

    And they should.

    We haven't seen eye to eye on this for 7 years.

    Our eyes are focusing on two different things.

    Seeing abuse from two drastically different vantage points.  

    One is to see what my parents need, and the other what the abused child needs.

    My vision cleared and I was able to see the child's needs.

    Mine.  Where in the past, I too could only see what was best for my mother, my father and to keep a family together.  And in doing so, I failed to speak up about abuse and abuse ran through our family into the second generation…for 40 years.

    For 40 years I didn't see me.

    Now I do. 

    And I feel no anger or hatetred nor do I feel guilt in seeing me.

    When I see the abuse in me, I can see the abuse in others.

    When I love myself.  I love myself enough to walk away from abuse…even if it is wearing the label dad/mom.

    Love of self and being in that family were impossible to do.

    I feel very blessed and full of grace that I was able to finally see me.

    I found me in a battered and broken state, but have walked myself into a place that is totally loving for me.  

     

     

  • Shades of their childhoods

    Power vs Force

    "As up implies down – and light, darkness – man's socially organized search for truth, and his commitment to attaining higher levels, has always implied the socially organized spread of falsehood and submission to the lowest energy fields.  Examination of the nature of antireligion demonstrates, in fact, the enormously destructive power of negative energy fields.  Examples are unfortunately ready at hand."

    "The trappings of Satanism grew as fashions of popular youth subculture, its primary vehicle being an overt musical genre.  But principles are implicit in trappings, and principles generate attractor fields. The effects are all to familiar to any clinical psychiatrist who practices near an urban area – the destruction of energy fields spread like disease.  Victims become desensitized to distinctions between good and evil, a value inversion that can be clinically examined.  Habitues are found to directly display "blown out" acupuncture systems and desynchroniza-tion of the cerebral hemisphere in response to repetitive negative patterns of the associate music – the net result is, in effect, a hypnotic trance during which the listener is highly susceptible to the violent and profane suggestions of the lyrics.  In this sense, these children become literally enslaved and prone to later bouts of irrational destruction where they truthfully "don't know why" they act out these posthypnotic suggestions.  And the influence persists."

    "Continued weakening of the body and its immune system – long after the music stops – is accompanied by an inverserion of kinesiological response.  Negative stimuli that would make a normal person go weak cause a strong response, while those that would make a normal person go strong now produce a weak one. Unaware that they're victims of a potent negative energy field, the members of this culture sink into sometimes inescapable subservience to forces beyond their comprehension.  Youth subjected to such physical, emotional abuse can suffer permanent damage to the brain's neurotransmitter balance, become adult depressives how habitually seek out abusive partners and must endlessly struggle against an inclination to suicide that is, in fact, a lingering form of posthypnotic suggestion.  We may wish to deny that such a spiritual plague, reminiscent of the Dark Ages could remain so injurious in our enlightened society; but such pervasive influences don't operate in a moral vacuum or arise from a social matrix that doesn't already incorporate preconditions for their growth.  The paradox of our puritanical society is that it encourages constant seduction but denies no satisfaction, so a perpetual frustration of normal outlets eventually finds release in perverse ones.  If we look more closely, we may find that other elements of what we call "civilization" in fact foster the persistence of such "perversions." David

    What I didn't know is that the body actually becomes flipped around so that instead of going weak when it should, it actually becomes stronger in the negative energy fields.

    However, we should all know this, for the strength of the negative people, how utterly convincing and controlling they are.  And how we seem to lose our power away from them, instead of gaining it.

    Unless you have been under the influence of a Negative Energy Attractor Field, such as a cult, abuse, etc, you will not fully understand the pull, UNTIL you try and leave.

    It is then that you realize how strong the negative attractors are connected into you.  

    While fully enmeshed in the grasps of a cult, you will not know that your body responds incorrectly; where instead of going weak, your body responds and is strengthened.  Where a normal person would feel the weak and powerless state, you don't.

    Again, I find this extremely amazing how the body is actually programmed to respond the opposite of its natural ability.  Which explains fully, how many get totally pulled into the field and are not able to wrest themselves free.

    He continues…

    "While the young are being programmed by specialized TV and computer games that glorify violence, their parents are being brainwashed by adult media.  Kinesiologi-cal testing showed that a fairly typical TV show caused test subjects to go weak 113 times during a single episode.  Each of these weakening events suppressed the observer's immune system and reflected an insult to the viewer's central as well as autonomic nervous system.  Invariably accompanying each of these 113 disruptions of the acupuncture system were suppressions of the thymus gland; each insult also resulted in the brains neurohormonal and neurtransmitter systems.  Each negative input brought the watcher closer to eventual sickness and to imminent depression -which is now the world's most prevalent illness."

    "Subtle grades of depression kill more people than all the other diseases of mankind combined.  There is no antidepressant that will cure depression that's spiritually based, for the malaise doesn't originate from brain dysfunction, but from an accurate response to the desecration of life.  The body is the reflection of the spirit of its physical expression, and its problems are the dramatization of the struggles of the spirit that gives it life.  A belief that we ascribe to "out there" has its effect "in here."  Everyone dies by his own hand – that's a hard clinical fact, not a moral view."  David

    How very interesting this all is, how the body responds to the TV program it watches, imagine then if you live within a household of negativity and belong to a church steeped in preaching sin and the wrongness of your flesh…it boggles the mind the amount of damage some children are subjected to. Yet we can all see the affects of this exposure by the lives they live.

    There is no way you can deny the long exposure to negative energies, for their colors shine brightly…

    The darkest among us lived in the dark…like colored glass, they are the shades of their childhoods.

    IMG_2832
     Photograph by Hannah Jukuri 

     

     

     

     

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