I M Perfect lady

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  • Bird of Truth

    I wonder about the Art of Making new friends, and does this change from when we are small children, what are our needs or requirements in wanting to spend time with each other?  How do we connect and then want to connect again or what makes us decide we no longer are interested in knowing more or finding a new depth in being acquaintances?  Is this a mutual dance, or can one person decide they have gone far enough and no longer are interested?  

    Is there ever an adult mutal exploring dialogue that goes on where you share differing views and opposing insights, and then in a almost friendly manner, say "Oh, we don't match enough for there to be common ground for us to play on…." 

    In my experience, silence is my first red flag, that something is amiss.  Silence without an explaination.  

    When I walked out on my mother, I knew that we had reached a fork in the road, and that neither of us were willing to join the other's path, and parting seemed natural.

    There was a clear and obvious difference, that neither of us could articulate at the time; but it was being played out in reality and the split was there in all its glory.  No words or fancy phrases, quotes or past sentiments could cover it up.  

    A split, a crevice opened up and swallowed what had been…what was before was no more…in its place was two ladies responding and reacting totally different to one man's abuse.

    This gigantic and obvious space didn't allow for small chit chat or table talk, it overtook us and wiped out our past relationship, leaving in its place, estrangement.

    I had similar splits with most of my siblings, where my responses and theirs stood a world apart, setting me on a pathway that would no longer converge with theirs, for I now we heading in a totally new direction for me.

    My changing has also cooled other friendships, for what had bound us together was our similarities.

    It seems like a natural separation, where neither one has to voice words or have lengthy conversations, but each feel more comfortable in the drifting away.

    In the past, I may have overlooked many red flags that popped up early, but now I honor each flag that rises, each response that is made is showing me who they are.  I no longer fight and push flags down, nor demand more then they have to give…nor will I stay for the potential of what may someday arise…I allow them the freedom to be…which in turn gives me freedom to let go.

    It is the old adage, "Birds of a feather flock together."  

    I wonder if we have a subconscious checklist, and we go along until we hit a spot where we no longer match, which tells us our feathers don't match…we don't belong to the same bird.

    And I wonder how many birds there are to belong to?

    I believe we can boil it down to just two birds.

    Birds of truth and Birds of fiction.

    I was taught to fly as a bird of fiction, that in order to be loved and for their to be peace in my family home, I had to not show my broken feathers…

    I fit into a flock of pretenders…until all my lies and pretending came home to roost.  It was then I realized there was and is only one bird in our family.  The bird of abuse…no matter how much we didn't talk about it, or act like it, we still couldn't pull off a new bird.

    It was when I stopped pretending that the split happened…and I began flying with the bird of truth.

  • The Function of Mindfulness

    "Reconciliation: Healing the Inner Child" by Thich Nhat Hanh.

    The Function of Mindfulness

    "First function of mindfulness is to recognize and NOT TO FIGHT. We can stop at any time and become aware of the child within us. When we recognize the wounded child for the first time, all we need to do is be aware of him or her and say hello.  That's all.  Perhaps this child is sad.  If we notice this we can just breathe in and say to ourselves, "breathing in, I know that sorrow has manifested in me.  Hello, my sorrow.  Breathing out, I will take good care of you."

    "Once we have recognized our inner child, the second function of mindfulness is to embrace him or her. This isa very pleasant practice.  Instead of fighting our emotions, we are taking good care of ourselves.  Mindfulness brings with her an ally – concentration. The first few minutes of recognizing and embracing our inner child with tenderness will bring some relief. The difficult emotions will still be there, but we won't suffer as much anymore."

    "After recognizing and embracing our inner child, the third function of mindfulness is to soothe and relieve our difficult emotions.  Just by holding this child gently we are soothing our difficult emotions and we can begin to feel at ease.  When we embrace our strong emotions with mindfulness and concentration, we'll be able to see the roots of these mental formations. We'll know where our suffering has come from. When we see the roots of things our suffering will lessen. So mindfulness recognizes, embraces and relieves."

    "The energy of mindfulness contains energy of concentration as well as the energy of insight.  Concentration helps us focus on just one thing. With concentration, the energy of looking becomes more powerful and insight is possible.  Insight always has the power of liberating us.  If mindfulness is there, and we know how to keep mindfulness alive, concentration will be there, too. And if we know how to keep concentration alive, insight will also come.  The energy of mindfulness enables us to look deeply and gain the insight we need that transformation is possible."  Thich Nhat Hanh

    Wow.  I love that mindfulness brings concentration and concentration brings insight!

  • Healthy Psyche

    Here is another section that I love in the book, "Reconciliation: Healing the Inner Child" by Thich Nhat Hanh.

    "Consciousness is like a house in which the basement is our store consciousness and the living room is our mind consciousness.  Mental formations like anger, sorrow or joy, rest in the store consciousness in the form of seeds. We have seed of anger, despair, discrimmination, fear, a seed of mindfulness, compassion, a seed of understanding, and so on.  Store consciousness is made of the totality of the seeds and it is also the soil that preserves and maintains all the seeds.  The seeds stay there until we hear, see, read, or think of something that touches the seed, and makes us feel the anger, joy or sorrow. This is a seed coming up and manifesting on the level of mind consciousness, in our living room.  Now we no longer call it a seed, but a mental formation."

    "When someone touches the seed of anger by saying something or doing something that upsets us, that seed of anger will come up and manifest in the mind consciousness as the mental formation of anger. The word "formation" is a Buddhist term for something that's created by many conditions coming together.  A marker pen is a formation; my hand, a flower, a house, are all formations.  A house is a physical formation.  My hand is a physiological formation.  My anger is a mental formation.  In Buddhist psychology we speak about 51 varieties of seeds that can manifest as fifty-one mental formations.  Anger is just one of them.  In store consciousness, anger is called a seed.  In mind consciousness, it's called a mental formation."

    "Whenever a seed, say the seed of anger, comes up into the livingroom and manifests as a mental formation, the first thing we can do is to touch the seed of mindfulness and invite it to come up too.  Now we have two mental formations in the livingroom. this is mindfulness of anger.  Mindfulness is always mindfulness of something. When we breathe mindfully, that is a mindfulness of breathing. When we walk mindfully, that is mindfulness of walking. So in this case, mindfulness is mindfulness of anger.  Mindfulness recognizes and embraces anger."

    "Our practice is based on the insight of nonduality – anger is not an enemy. Both mindfulness and anger are ourselves.  Mindfulness is there not to surppress or fight against anger, but to recognize and take care.  It's like a big brother helping a younger brother. So the energy of anger is recognized and embraced tenderly by the energy of mindfulness."

    "Everytime we need the energy of mindfulness, we just touch that seed with our mindful breathing, mindful walking, smiling and then we have the energy ready to do the work recognizing, embracing and later on looking deeply and transforming. Whatever we're doing, whether it is cooking, sweeping, washing, walking, being aware of our breathing, we can continue to generate the energy of mindfulness, and the seed of mindfulness in us will become strong. Within the seed of mindfulness is the seed of concentration. With these two energies, we can liberate ourselves from afflictions."

    The Mind Needs Good Circulation

    "We know there are toxins in our body. If our blood doesn't circulate well, these toxins accumulate.  In order to remain healthy, our body works to expel the toxins. When the blood circulates well, the kidneys and the liver cand do their job to dispel toxins.  We can use massage to help the blood better circulate."

    "Our consciousness too, may be in a state of bad circulation. We may have a block of suffering, pain, sorrow, or despair in us; it's like a toxin in our consciousness. We call this an internal formation or internal knot.  Embracing our pain and sorrow with the energy of mindfulness is the practice of massaging our consciousness. When the blood doesn't circulate well, our organs can't function properly, and we get sick. When our psyche doesn't circulate well, our mind will become sick.  Mindfulness stimulates and accelerates circulation throughout blocks of pain."

    Occupying the Living Room

    "Our blocks of pain, sorrow, anger, and despair always want to come up into our mind consciousness, into our living room, because they have grown big and need our attention.  They want to emerge, but we don't want these uninvited guests to come up because they're painful to look at. So we try to block their way.  We want them to stay asleep down in the basement. We don't want to face them, so our habit is to fill our living room with other guests. Whenever we have ten or fifteen minutes of free time, we do anything to keep our living room occupied.  We call a friend. We pick up a book. We turn on the television. We go for a drive. We hope that if the living room is occupied, these unpleasant mental formations will not come up."

    "But all mental formations need to circulate.  If we don't let them come up, it creates bad circulation in our psyche, and symptoms of mental illness begin to manifest in our mind and body."

    "Sometimes when we have a headache, we take aspirin but our headache doesn't go away.  Sometimes this kind of headache can be a symptom of mental illness. Perhaps we have allergies. We think it's a physical problem but allergies can also be a symptom of mental illness. We are advised by doctors to take drugs but sometimes these will continue to suppress our internal formations, making our sickness worse."

    Dismantling Barriers

    "If we can learn not to fear our knots of suffering we slowly begin to let them circulate into our living room.  We begin to learn how to embrace them and transform them with the energy of mindfulness. When we dismantle the barrier between the basement and the living room blocks of pain will come up and we will have to suffer a bit.  Our inner child may have a lot of fear and anger stored up from being down in the basement for so long.  There is no way to avoid it."

    "Taht is why the practice of mindfulness is so important.  If mindfulness is not there, it is very unpleasant to have these seeds come up. But if we know how to generate the energy of mindfulness it's very healing to invite them up every day and embrace them.  Mindfulness is a strong source of energy that can recognize, embrace and take care of these negative energies.  Perhaps these seeds don't want to come up at first perhaps there is too much fear and distrust so we may have to coax them a bit.  After being embraced for some time a strong emotion will return back to the basement and become a seed again, weaker than before."

    "Every time you give your internal formations a bath of mindfulness the blocks of pain in you become lighter. So give your anger, your despair your fear a bath of mindfulness every day. After several days or weeks of bringing them up daily and helping them go back down again, you create good circulation in your psyche"  Thich Nhat Hanh

    Awesome!  My psyche now has great circulation…however I used to live trying to keep them all down the basement.  Yet, every now and again, my children paid the price when my anger arrived in our living space and all holy hell broke lose.  I would vent and then stuff it back down. What I failed to do was embrace and meet it with understanding, to see it as the wounded child.  

    I instead would vow to not let it happen again…forcing down deeper and try harder to keep my living space free of those feelings.  Little did I know I was blocking what I needed in order to have a healthy psyche.

     

  • Listening.

    In the book, "Reconciliation: Healing the Inner Child" by Thich Nhat Hanh, he writes about Listening.

    "When we speak of listening with compassion, we usually think of listening to someone else.  But we must also listen to the wounded child inside of us.  Sometimes the wounded child in us needs all our attention. That little child might emerge from the depths of your consciousness and ask for your attention.  If you are mindful, you will hear his or her voice calling for help.  At that moment, instead of paying attention to whatever is in front of you, go back and tenderly embrace the wounded child.  You can talk directly to the child with the language of love, saying, "In the past, I left you alone.  I went away from you.  Now, I am very sorry.  I am going to embrace you." You can say, "Darling, I am here for you. I know that you suffer so much.  I have been busy.  I have neglected you, and now I have learned a way to come back to you."  If necessary, you have to cry together with that child. Whenever you need to, you can sit and breathe with the child. "Breathing in, I go back to my wounded child; Breathing out, I take good care of my wounded child."

    "You have to talk to your child several times a day.  Only then can healing take place.   Embracing you child tenderly, you reassure him that you will never let him down again or leave him unattended.  The little child has been left alone for so long. That is why you need to begin this practice right away. If you don't do it now, when will you do it?"

    "If you know how to go back to her and listen carefully every day for five or ten minutes, healing will take place.  When you climb a beautiful mountain, invite your child to climbe with you. When you contemplate the sunset, invite her to enjoy it with you.  If you do that for a few weeks or a few months, the wounded child in you will experience healing."

    "With practice, we can see that our wounded child is not only us.  Our wounded child my represent several generations.  Our mother may have suffered throughout her life.  Our father may have suffered.  Perhaps our parents weren't able to look after the wounded child in themselves.  So when you're embracing the wounded child within us, we're embracing all the wounded children of our past generations.  This practice is not a practice for ourselves alone, but for numberless generations of ancestors or descendants."

    "Our ancestors may not have known how to care for their wounded child within, so they transmitted their wounded child to us.  Our practice is to end this cycle.  If we can heal our wounded child, we will not only liberate ourselves, but will also help liberate whoever has hurt or abused us.  The abuser may also have been the victim of abuse. There are people who have practiced with their inner child for a long time who have had a lessening of their suffering and have experienced transformation. Their relationships with family and friends have become much easier."

    "We suffer because we have not been touched by compassion and understanding. If we generate the energy of mindfulness, understanding and compassion for our wounded child, we will suffer less. When we generate mindfulness, compassion and understanding become possible, and we can allow people to love us.  Before, we may have been suspicious of everything and everyone.  Compassion helps us relate to others and restores communication."

    "The people around us, our family and friends, may also have a severely wounded child inside.  If we've managed to help ourselves, we can also help them.  When we've healed ourselves, our relationships with others become much easier.  There's more peace and more love in us."

    "Go back and take care of your self.  Your body needs you, your feelings need you, your perceptions need you.  The wounded child in you needs you.  Your suffering needs you to acknowledge it.  Go home and be there for all these things.  Practice mindful walking and mindful breathing. Do everything in mindfulness so you can really be there, so you can love."  Thich Nhat Hanh 

    I know that we are not truly listening If we only listen to others and neglect hearing what our wounded child needs.  Unhealed wounded children are the source of all the pain on this planet…

    Each of us can end the pain and suffering by learning how to hear what our wounded child needs.

  • Grateful for being Detached

    "We cannot begin to work on ourselves, to live our own lives, feel our own feelings, and solve our own problems until we have DETACHED from the object of our obsession. From any experiences (and those of others), it appears that even our Higher Power can't do much with us until we have detached."                        Melody Beatte

    When our choices 'affect' another's happiness there is a codependent relationship…or if we feel unable to do what we want, we are not detached, but connected.

    And the work towards healing is learning how to detach; to make a choice that you know is against what the other wants, but it is for your own happiness, that you begin to work yourself free of this codependency.

    I love that even the Universe is unable to do much with us while we are focused on the happiness and peace of others….while we are neglecting us, so is the Universe.  It honors our free will….and we are using our free will to dance to make others happy…neglecting our own soul.

    I use to be a great jailer of my children's lives, and wanted and needed them to act a certain way for my happiness and peace of mind.

    When I detached from my children, my children did not have to run away to be free…they had a free life in my presence.

    There was nothing they could or could not do that would change the climate inside of me. I was the only person responsible for my feelings…it now seems so hopelessly silly to imagine that old life, and totally debilitating for me, and harshly selfish and cold towards them.

    Neither of us were in control, and both of us needed the other to act a certain way…how incredibly hard to live this way.

    How freeing to just act for me….which leaves you at act for you.  

    I am grateful for being detached.

  • Keep Silent

    In reading Melody Beatte's book, "Codependent No More"….I came upon these few sentences that explained so much to me.

    " Codependency is an emotional, psychological, and behavioral condition that develops as a result of an individual's prolonged exposure to, and practice of, a set of Oppressive Rules….Rules which prevent the OPEN EXPRESSION of FEELINGS as well as THE DIRECT DISCUSSION of personal and interpersonal problems."  Robert Stubby

    This explains the way the Church Doesn't deal with personal or interpersonal problems, for its members have had a prolonged exposure and have been taught to practice 'following' the rules makes you a good christian.

    The oppressive rules alone are not the culprit, but the long exposure…especially those who have been born in capitivity, where they never visited a world where you could openly express and discuss directly how you felt and what you thought.

    And certainly, under no conditions are you allowed to question the 'sins' or why you can't do this or that.  An oppressive environment for sure.  This bleeds down into the family homes, for it is preached to do so.

    I am finding that our family wasn't just weird like this, but that any family of the church has this same nature it is like the church's mission statement to teach codependency.

    Good members of the church are good codependents.

    Melody writes, "Earnie Larsen, another codependency specialist and pioneer in that field defines codependency as "those self-defeating, learned behaviors or character defects that result from a diminished capacity to initiate or to participate in loving relationships."

    Being unable to openly discuss personal feelings without being punished for it, is what makes us fake who we are.

    One of the oppressive rules of the church is "Honor thy Mother and thy father…" It cares not who they are or how they act, it is a RULE.

    In honoring them, you have to become disloyal to yourself. 

    Where does this leave a child?  

    From my experience, no personal stuff was ever discussed….not even the generic feelings, Let alone abuse.

    Just the very fact that we are indoctrinated into this society, and then abused…leaves a child lost, alone with no way out…

    The only way out is to leave…for a child is not allowed to speak, it is against the rules. 

    What is even more tragic, is that the love goes when you break the rules. So in order to keep the love, you have to keep silent.

     

  • Knows you can….

    We believe that courage and fearlessness will arrive before we do something; that it is an actual muscle like thing that comes crawling into our body and boom, we now have courage.

    But courage isn't like that, nor is being fearless. 

    Courage is knowing you are in fear and shaking and trembling and feeling like a small child could push you over, and you keep going.

    Courage and strength doesn't arrive first. It actually settles into you after you faced your biggest fears, said what you thought you could never say, do what you felt was impossible to happen.  It comes After.

    Which seems like that is backwards, but courage comes afterward, for you look back at what you actually did. What you said and how you didn't die….or faint or whatever, You did it. 

    It is the act of doing what you don't feel you have the strength or the courage to do…But you do it anyway….that's when you see this psyche muscle there…courage.

    It isn't like love….it arrives after you need it.  It is like a cheerleader waiting on the other side of the river of turmoil and waiting to embrace you….it doesn't carry you across.

    I am thinking codependency carries….courage waits and cheers, beckoning you to be brave, to walk with shaky legs, to talk through tears and sobs….that is courage.

    Courage doesn't look like we may have it pictured, like it is strong and calm and wise and cool looking, and all put together.

    For me, courage was swear words and jagged sobs, it was putting up hands when my mother came to hug, after being silently away for 5 months after her husband was exposed as being a pedophile.

    Courage was saying no.

    Courage for me was walking into her home, reigning in my rage to the point of ONLY hollering and not pummeling her.  Courage was saying what I had to say to ears that were unable to hear or be empathetic.

    Courage had me walking out, knowing that she couldn't mother me…courage was mothering me myself.

    Courage was sitting on a path not knowing where it led, but going anyway.  Courage was to be without a plan and being okay.

    Courage was accepting what is, when it turned my belly into heaving sobs.

    Courage wasn't pretty or perfect, it wasn't calm and peaceful, but raw ugliness at times…that looking back were beautifully represented in their honesty.

    Courage is doing what you have never done before to get to a place you have no idea that you need to go.

    Courage is blindly living on a pinhead of time, where nothing is familiar and no one is ahead of you…it is you and the time ticking in your life.

    Courage is surrendering the pattern you have followed to strike out on your own, creating as you go; one shakey step at a time.

    Courage beckons and you say yes…in the exact condition you are in. It like God, and only accepts originality.  It only wants you just as you are in this moment of time.  You are perfectly perfect….it waits…go toward it…it is on the other side of what ever you feel is impossible…just head in and know you are not alone. Courage is watching, cheering and knows you can.

     

  • I run, because you can’t……for my sister friend.

    “There are only two mistakes one can make along the road to truth; not going all the way and not starting.”

                 Buddha

     

    I felt the loneliness today of my Aunt who ran away.  A woman I never met, yet I feel we are one.

     

    I felt her sadness of being misunderstood and unknown, how her choice to save herself, sentenced her to a life alone outside of her family.

     

    Ostracized for escaping, for saving ourselves, for walking free of abuse, we are not cheered, no clapping, instead we are jeered with sarcasm.

     

    I never ever thought my harshest critics would be from my own family, they are forever punching the already weakened psyche.

     

    The Little girl within feels so sad, empty of words to make them see. 

     

    Today I wondered about my Aunt and her life, how she survived without contact from her family, yet like me the family she missed is the same one that brings her pain.

     

    The intellectual part of me understands that the energy they bring me isn’t healthy, but my heart yearns for acceptance, for understanding and even empathy.

     

    Like missing the stick that is poking you in the eye.

     

    I have more empathy for folks who are set aside because of who they are, parts of themselves they cannot change.

     

    Maybe because my Aunt disappeared and no one spoke her name that I want there to be words about me.

     

    Perhaps this blog is a way that I too will not just simply disappear without a trace.

     

    In the first few days of my father being accused of criminal sexual conduct, I wrote.

     

    I wrote in disbelief, I wrote the words to anchor myself somewhere, to hold me in the sea of grief.

     

    Writing is evidence of my journey.

     

    I have kept all written communications from my family as evidence. I know that is an odd word to use. 

     

    It was the evidence I needed to sort out which one of us was in reality and which one wasn’t.

     

    My mental mind fought a long hard battle up against reality and in reality there are written words from a family who is not cheering me.

     

    In as much as I want them to be cheering, what I needed more were their words of mental ness to shine the way out.

     

    Maybe in the end their shouts of sarcasm are cheering me forward.

     

    They are showing me there is nothing for me back there.

    They were showing me how not to be.

    Showing me how far I have come.

     

    I feel the energy of my runaway aunt; she joins me in spirit as I run along, lending me her courage and strength.  I feel the spirit of many little girls whose time ran out, who were too empty to begin, I run for you. 

     

    I run towards wholeness with truth at my side.

    I feel you with me as I run.

     

    The refrain “you are the wind beneath my wings” came to mind.

     

    I am so grateful I was able to run away.

    I am so not alone.

    All little girls everywhere who suffered like I, I run for you.

    I run, because you can’t.

     

     

     

  • The Spirit of Joy

    As I lay in bed last night a few of the comments about the new Mitten Tree quilt passed through my mind as well as one comment made on my first one (mitten quilt)….and there really is a difference in energy between the two.

    The first one, was created a year ago, (December 16th post on Blog) and I didn't know the actual meaning of this quilt…until perhaps this one, and it shows a totally different feeling

    A year ago, during a conversation about The Storyline, I asked myself who in my ancestry had an impact on me….It was the Aunt who I didn't know,but who like I ran away from her family…Was she like me who had to leave the abuse to save herself?

    And that quilt showed the sorrow or grief of approaching the mitten tree of misfits, reluctantly…the pain of having to make a new life, a new family, a new place to fit in.

    The juxtaposition in the energies of the two quilts is remarkable…the reverence I felt in the first and then the spirit of bold freedom or lightheartedness in the second.

    This new Mitten Tree quilt has the energy of youth.

    IMG_6887

    With a spring in her step she knows where she belongs…

    It is like the first quilt was the old me approaching the tree and this one is my young inner self…

    Wow….nice to see the difference of energy, of regaining the spirit of joy.

  • Authentically inauthentic.

    I had to look up the word Authentic, to see if I clearly understood what that means and is there a difference in being authentic and having an authentic relationship.  

    Authentic, "Of Undisputed Origin"…"authentic, genuine, bona fide mean being actually and exactly what is claimed."

    "Being actually and exactly" what you claim to be.

    The claiming part is where the sea of difference lies.

    We can claim to be anything, but can you actually and exactly follow through, that is where authenticity lies, where the rubber meets the road if you will, and if not, all else is meaningless.

    Stating claims isn't always necessary, we catch titles just by being in the world.  I have claims of sister, daughter, mother attached to me. How I am inside of these claims is oftentimes imprinted upon us as we see the adults in our world playing them out.

    And yet, each claim comes with its own definition or the definition of a dictionary, but that isn't always what we experience.

    A mother in the dictionary as a verb is, "Bring up (a child) with care and affection: "the art of mothering"…and as a noun, "A woman in relation to a child or children to whom she has given birth."

    And in reality I did get the noun version, but the verb part was lacking a few things…like "Care and Affection".  Other verbs, action verbs took their place and in doing so, my mother was not an authentic mother…she couldn't be exactly and actually as her role claimed.

    What we are not taught in school, that the words and reality will often not match, that there is very little authenticity.

    In Bird Watching, there is a saying, "When the bird and the Book don't match, BELIEVE the Bird."

    The other part of authenticity was to be of Undisputed Origin…and I take that to mean, that it is senseless to dispute how you were raised.

    I had to look up the definition of Origin to make sure.

    "The beginning of something's existence. A person's social background or ancestry."

    My social background and ancestry is my undisputed origin.  I fully own and embrace all of it, for if I didn't, I would be inauthentic.

    So, in knowing all that…what then is an authentic relationship?

    To me, there can be no authentic relationship, if you are not authentic as a person.  Whatever false claims you live will come forward into the relationship; it is simply impossible to keep them out.

    True authentic relationships allow into the relationship your social background and ancestry and not only expects but demands that you literally be actually and exactly that.  An authentic relationship will not allow you to bring in false claims.  

    Claims without actions of being actually and exactly who you claim to be is being authentically inauthentic.

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I M Perfect, and it is impossible not to be.

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