I M Perfect lady

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  • Programmed self.

    Sometimes I sit here aghast at the programming that runs within me and wondering how much of it is left running, when will I uproot the last thread.

     

    It is hard to believe that each and every thing we do is for a reason, it has a belief attached to it, an ironclad will that has been laced through the middle…and we have to destroy it or it will destroy us.

     

    It is like having an enemy’s mind living in our cells.

     

    I have been putting off having a sweet treat for a few hours to regain control of my craving button.  Usually, the button goes off and I run to find what it craves. 

     

    I am coming to learn that I will not die or go crazy without it, and that the whining subsides and the mind goes on to something else.  It is talking back to the control or putting it on pause that I believe will eventually give me back my power.

     

    This programmed system that has been running my life is more than the abuse and the church, for both also imprinted on me that bad was good and good was bad, that self loving was bad, and neglect was good, that feeling wretched was good and feeling good was bad.

     

    Which is why it is so hard to get one clear precise belief on any one thing, for my major CPU reads bad good and good bad.

     

    Even if my mind knows best, my operating system discerns the opposite. 

    Just as foreign as I seem to my family, which is what a veggie treat feels like to my body.  Or my actions of yoga compared to actions of co-dependency my family of origin is used to. They want to feed upon me, not have me be my own self.

     

    I am not certain I can articulate this correctly, but me doing good for me feels bad for them.  And me doing good for me feels bad for my programmed old self.

     

    What is good for my programmed self will destroy my real self.

     

    What is bad for the programmed self is good for me.

     

    I am getting the twist and seeing that it is normal to feel the angst and stress and force it takes to wrestle back our rightful feelings, to unhook and rehook them onto the right feelings.

     

    I was programmed to feel bad when I should have felt good and visa versa.

     

    Incredible that the feelings are in sync with messed up mind.

     

    I knew it wasn’t just that there was a belief that was running along un-questioned, but that the feelings were messed up too.

     

    My body was programmed feel the opposite.

     

    Programmed feelings instead of having natural ones.

    My programmed self loves sweet treats, I feel like I am getting something good, when I am really feeding myself something that has no value.

     

    Imagine, my treats are getting something of no value.

     

    Very interesting to watch what your programmed to like and do and to explore deeper and see what is going on behind the façade.

     

    Within my childhood religion, the same dynamics were going on.  The sins were for the programmed person, not the real self, in fact what is a sin for the programmed person most likely was good for me.

     

    To take back ownership of my body.

    To not bless away others actions.

    To question all things and not just follow submissively.

    To seek my own relationship with God.

     

    Interesting to see what is programmed into you and then learn how to de-program it.  Mostly by doing the opposite of your childhood…you will find your way out of the programmed self.

     

  • All the wrong reasons…

    It is so very curious to me why I slip back into the sluggish life of no yoga, to allow my joints to become painful, my muscles slack, my hips to stiffen up so I waddle?

     

    How is it that when I know what to do to keep my body feeling ache free, I don’t do it?  Why do I have to wait until I hurt to do something good for me?  Why can’t I serve this good portion of life to me each day and eagerly and selfishly take it?

     

    The good things in life are not something I thirst for, instead I feel like it is ‘better’ to skip it, to just snuggle longer or not put my body through that routine.  Like I am getting away with something, that I am being rewarded for Not doing it, when the opposite is true.  I am hurting myself by not taking care of myself. 

     

    There is a long held belief that by not doing something I am cheating something or somebody, but not myself.  How is this possible?  Like I am getting away with something, but what?

     

    All I am getting away with is a ouchy body…I am not stealing healthy or fitness, I am stealing lazy.

     

    Just as with yoga I am the same with sugar or sweet treats.  I think I am sneaking in this ‘goodness’ but what I am stealing is bad for me.

     

    Isn’t it odd that I feel I am gaining something good, when in fact I am serving me poorly?

     

    And when I was doing yoga daily, taking care of my self, it felt like I was going against the grain, swimming against the currents, pushing hard instead of going with the flow.

     

    It is like I am programmed to swim in the wrong direction, that it is easier for me to not care.

     

    To re-program myself, I will have to do what doesn’t come natural, until I forge a new natural.

     

    It just seems so counter intuitive to want to treat your self poorly…that doesn’t make sense.  To WANT what isn’t good and force yourself to do what is, like taking medicine swallowing it reluctantly.

     

    You would think that we would crave that which makes us feel best, the greatest of natural foods and then movement that will make our bodies operate at their optimum…instead it seems we are hell bent on wrecking it.

     

    Wrecking our bodies, our spirits, our minds, our relationships…like we have a wrecking gene we need to destroy before it destroys us.

     

    I just get so befuddled by this, how unnatural us human beings are.  We are living for all the wrong reasons.

     

     

  • Save your soul.

    The biggest hurdle in stopping abuse is stopping being a part of the family it is within. How easy to report abuse in another family but where it actually counts is when you see it and respond in kind within your own.

     

    To stop treating a father as a dad and see his actions of being a pedophile and putting him away and out of reach of other little girls.  My family failed at this big time.

     

    The authorities brought him to court, but the family set him free.

     

    I wish this was an anomaly but sadly, most will defend the father and not even let it get as far as ours did.

     

    There is this thing called, “Unconditional Love” that keeps this from happening, and another thing called, “Forgiveness of Sins” that does as well.

     

    We all think that the biggest thing we can do is report pedophiles to the authorities, but that is only a small portion of the job.

     

    The biggest deal is to take a family and rip it apart seeing who really does what, what are they doing, bringing and being, to bring in consciousness where before blindness lived.

     

    The key components a pedophile needs the most is your undying faith in them, your unconditional love and your willingness to continue to bless away his bad behaviors…for you to be relentless in this and NEVER changing.

     

    What most fail to realize it aren’t the authorities that are to blame but the families of these perpetrators.  Well, I believe the law of the land needs a big wake up call and to see that they are allowing dysfunctional families to call the shots…

     

    For as it stands now they are asking blind people to see and act clearly.

     

    Most often, and in my case it is true, that I wasn’t the first one abused, but rather just one of a long line of generations worth.

     

    This was normal behavior.  A mother who was unable to discern abuse for she herself never healed from her own abuse.  Her abused self worth and image attracted a man who operated at the same level.

     

    I am finding out that my brother and I are very much changelings within our family’s heritage, that every now and then one comes along and switches the family traditions, but in order to do so, you leave the family.

     

    What most want is to stop abuse, but what few will do is stop being part of a family.

     

    You will have to go against generations of folks, relatives in order to stop abuse.

     

    It isn’t a simple task, for 99% of the abuse is from someone you know and trust and of the 99%, 50% is from someone who is your blood relative.

     

    It is like turning against your own self…and is.

    You will have to take all you have ever known and begin yet again.

     

    I get so incensed with folks who tell me…I would never or I don’t stand with abuse, while they are still having relationships with people who abuse.

     

    It is insanity.  You are being just as abusive to the child by having a relationship with the person who hurts little children.  The child sees who you are aligned with and KNOWS you are not a safe person or one to help them.

     

    This matter is far more complex than it appears.

     

    Abuse is an infection that has spread through generations of families and will continue on unless you walk away. 

     

    You have to leave the infection called abuse… IT will not leave you.

     

    It will not one day change from hurtful abuse to wonderful love, stop pretending time will heal and change things.

     

    You have to leave it in order to be free of it…and then you have separated your self or isolated the infection to just you and then the real work starts.

     

    You have to see it in all your thoughts and beliefs and have to start working on each one to right it.

     

    To change your old definition of unconditional love to love that is free of abusive effects.

     

    You have to change your mind about a million things.

    You have to be willing to not know your self or those you ‘loved’.

     

    You have to be willing to walk a walk against family and ‘loved’ ones.

     

    I walked this walk…and while it was extremely tough, it is well worth the effort. 

     

    You will not walk alone; you will have the guidance of the Universe if you are a seeker of the truth.

     

    You will be changing your very DNA and the legacy you were born into.

     

    I will help anyone who has been chosen to walk this walk.

     

    So, go ahead and report, but mostly start the dialogue in how far would you go to stop abuse, would you go the whole way, would you forsake the world to save your soul?

     

  • My Level of Creativity.

    “By Living a Life full of Art, we may achieve an artful life.”  Ellen J. Langer, who also said, “All it takes to become an Artist is to start doing Art.”

     

    As my daughter and I walked around and saw other people’s art, it inspired me to do my own. 

     

    I believe what we do inspires us and where we go and by how we spend our time, for if you don’t consciously attend to your inner passion, your passion will recede into a dormant state.

     

    It literally is true, what we focus on expands.

     

    I have felt the difference in the past few days of feeling the angst of making a point to many who feel it is pointless, in comparison to walking among fabulous art, inspiring fabrics and being immersed in shopping for the right accent for my daughter’s first apartment.

     

    The difference is vast.  One pulls you back into a vortex of manic expression and the other raises my level of creativity.

     

     

     

     

  • Why I left.

     There are times in life you have to realize that there is no common ground, where the differences are just too vast, where white is white and black is black, but the commonality between them is only that they are colors.

     

    Dialoguing the finer intricacies of being in a religion or being outside of it, you will not find a place to stand in agreement, just that one is in and the other is out.

     

    When you leave a religion and the folks who still remain, they can’t see why you left any more than you can see why they stay…and it doesn’t really pay to try and convince someone who is happy and content where they are.

     

    It is far better to gather into your world things that bring you happiness, love, peace and joy.  If theirs if found in their religion, let them be.  And if yours is found outside of their religion, own it and play vigorously in the wide open spaces.

     

    I keep bumping into folks who are in the cult like religion who are hell bent on convincing me it wasn’t cult like…while they still remain inside its strict rules or prison.

     

    There is no way the two shall meet.

     

    One is free and the other locked inside. Yet they have been convinced that it is their will to be there.  However, most of their lives are dictated by the beliefs and guidelines of this faith, they are unable to live totally free.  They are free within the confines of its walls.

     

    All the dialoguing does is affirm the reasons why I left.

     

     http://www.erinstales.blogspot.com/ is where you can see the exchanges…the blog is written by a young girl who just exited the FALC.  The blog post Mine has comments which you can see the insanity of trying to speak to each other, everything gets lost and tangled up…

     

     

  • Being a Beginner!

    The question, “What would you do if you didn’t have to worry about doing it perfectly”, got me to thinking of all the things I have done, and how many I didn't do perfectly.

     

    How it is insane to ever believe that your first attempt will yield perfect results, it is only a select lucky folks who happen on a hole in one, the first time out.

     

    Before I could even list the things I would do, I thought of all the things I have done without knowing how or being able to do them perfectly and yet they have given me great returns.

     

    Number one, being a mom.  There is no training for this, you get a baby and you’re a mom.  And you get to perfect your ways through repetitive actions…and by the time you understand the baby years, they are into being toddlers…it is a learning process one that has you always starting out as a beginner.

     

    Being a wife is the same.  You get married and you’re a wife, no place to practice this and when you become ‘perfect’ seek a spouse…it works in reverse.  Only trial and error makes it perfect. And as with children, it is always in process of growing and as your life changes, the way you are a wife changes as with age etc.  There is no such thing as perfecting the wife skills.

     

    I then wrote about quilting and being an Art quilter.  You can’t begin after you become a perfect quilter… you just do it and the more you do, the closer to perfect you become.  But the horizon keeps moving back, new techniques and ideas come in and you once again begin a beginner and not perfect.

     

    What I loved about the question was how I was able to look backward in my life and all that I have done and how incredible it was that most of it was not perfect and I survived and even thrived in many places.

     

    I didn’t get the chance to learn how to perfectly leave a family before I left or did I have a class on how to be a perfect abused child, to perfectly speak my truth, or how to exit a cult… I just did it.  Perfect didn’t matter.  I became better by doing.  I am not sure there is another way.

     

    Imagine all you have done without being perfect and just imagine how much more you can do by allowing yourself to be a beginner! 

    I love this we need to replace the goal of being perfect with being comfortable as a Beginner.  At least is shows we are begining something, we are attempting we are moving, growing and changing.  If you are not beginning something new, you have stopped living.

    I love being a beginner!

  • Our Dress Up Closet!

    I have been a good solid sensible shoe for so many years, I now have to work at being a frivolous, nonsensical, whimsy, fun little shoe made for say dancing or a relaxing evening with a loved one. 

     

    I was built to carry heavy loads, to work hard and be solid support. My whole frame screams Sensible, with a strap of reliable and a heel of responsible.

     

    This sensible built nature I brought to every event, like wearing work boots to a formal ball.

     

    I didn’t have another side of me, just this one size fits all boot.  When I arrived the scent of no nonsense arrived with me.

     

    As the years have passed, as my age is showing, as I work with the Artist Way, I am learning that there are sides of me I have not explored.

     

    In the past I never took off my boots of being responsible for others…and lately I barely wear them.

     

    I am now learning how to walk in shoes that fit just me.  They don’t have to have meaning or make someone else happy; they are shoes that fit my soul.

     

    Some of these shoes take awhile for me to get used to, for them to be comfortable on me, but I like that they are fit just for me, custom made shoes.

     

    My life went from having only sensible in my closet to now adding flare and charm, whimsy and frivolous…

    It is no wonder I wasn’t drawn towards these types of things, for my inner nature couldn’t relax and be free…and my outerwear showed this.

     

    I think I am heading toward the nonsensical section yet it makes sense for me.

     

    I am adding fun shoes to my sensible ones, I can see my future closet filled with wonderful different shoes…I am on the lookout for new additions that will spice up my life, that will enhance my personality, bring out my inner child…it is like playing dress up in the real world!

    What do I want to play with today? 

    What do I want to try on? 

    How will it make me feel? 

    I love that we have the whole world as our dress up closet. 

     

     

  • Right or True

    A new young friend of mine wrote about Normal in her blog (http://www.erinstales.blogspot.com/) and it led me to the point of just because it is normal doesn’t mean it is right.

     

    Somehow we believe that normal equates right, just because most are doing it.

     

    We somehow have fallen into compliance with the majority and forget to have independent thoughts and even worse separate actions, we tend to find comfort in moving in huge numbers and then call it normal.

     

    No matter what the swarm is doing.

     

    Fitting in seems to be the way of it instead of fitting out.

     

    Even if fitting in means you must do something wrong or go against your inner compass.

     

    I love that normal only means the majority…okay, here is the definition from her blog.

     

    nor-mal
    adjective
    1. conforming to the standard or common type; usual; not abnormal; regular; natural,
    2. serving to establish a standard.

     

    What is standard for cult like religions? What is standard or common for dysfunctional families?  It is this that is their normal, but it doesn’t make it right or healthy or anything.

     

    Somehow normalcy has slipped by us as a character of being good, when in fact it simply means a repetitive behavior, but not the content of it.

     

    When my life was turned upside down and I went in search of normal, it was illusive.  I didn’t know who I was nor could I find a template of normal anywhere, nor perfection. 

     

    Normal changed for each person and in each situation and again, ruled by the majority.

     

    What I had thought were ‘standards’ of my old religion, were just behaviors all succumbed to…but they were lacking of content…or when put to practice fell apart.  Their only strength came from the number of people believing in them, not in the actual belief itself.

     

    I am certain this is true for most things.

    My father is being held up by the volume of people who call him father, but not by his own content.

     

    I am very wary now of what is called normal…for it could be a lens that changes what lies behind.

     

    I am also very happy to say, I am not a ‘normal’ member of my family of origin.

     

    Normal doesn’t make anything right or true.

     

     

  • Meaning of Crazy

    I am thinking Crazy is a perception, just as beauty is in the eye of the beholder, I too think crazy is.

     

    It all depends upon where you are in your life.

     

    When I lived in untruths…truth was crazy.

     

    And now that I live in truths, untruths are crazy.

     

    As a child living with a parent who is seeped in falsehoods, speaking the truth is crazy talk and something to get punished for.

     

    You are taught that truth is crazy…whether overtly or by assumption…so you learn that being truthful is how ‘mental’ people speak.

     

    In my experience, those we call mentally challenged are really pretend challenged.  They simply cannot pretend away the realness of life. They call it like they see it.

     

    I have a very strong suspicion that there is a huge part missing in the mental health system, and that is the truth of the reality these people come from.

     

    It is insane to me that the detective that was in my home collecting evidence to arrest my father for being a pedophile, says to me, “I hope this will not affect your relationship with him.”

     

    That is insane.  You are arresting my father for sexual criminal misconduct with minor girls and are asking me to keep a good relationship with him????

    Is it a wonder I didn’t trust the ‘people in charge’ of bringing him to Justice?

     

    So, crazy is a sliding scale and will appear different depending upon the level of awareness and frank truth you live with.

     

    Crazy to me is not seeing the truth or owning your own truth…living in a land of pretending what isn’t so.

     

    I distanced myself from my mother and the siblings that believe like the detective, that sexual criminal misconduct should stand in the way of a good relationship.

     

    Crazy is as crazy does…isn’t that a saying from somewhere.

     

    I guess like love, we all have our own meaning of Crazy.

  • For You

    I had a weird God like experience, I felt what He must feel as we stand begging him with prayers when our lives feel upside down and backwards, when we find our selves standing before him a mess and we want him to fix it, perform a miracle and right our wrongs. 

    A friend calls, she is backed into a corner by choices SHE made and the blame seems to lie everywhere but within her…like a headstrong child loaded with free will she fails to see the choice in a distant, but instead feels the comfort on this end and not the long term life affecting outcome.

    Trying to not make waves on the outside, her inside bears the brunt of it, like a shock absorber.

    Yet there is literally nothing I can do, it all begins and ends with her.

    She has to be willing to make a new choice to reap a new outcome. 

    As I sit and watch, I felt what God must do as others beg him for changes, plead with him to do something, when the key to change begins inside of them, not outside with me.

    “Knock and the door shall be opened…”

    I can offer, as I am sure God offers, wisdom and insights, but not only do you have to reach, you have to act.  Make a move, do something totally different.

    I can share my experiences, my pain and my struggles to get where I am, but each get to walk their own path, no one is cheated of this.

    We all have unique and beautiful lives, living and breathing, ever changing, full of potential and grand changes, but the Universe awaits its instructions from you.

    You stand before the mirror and your life is reflected back to you.  Who you are in life, you determine, how you stand, what you say, how you participate is simply reflected back to you.

    What you put into it comes flying back, a boomerang…never leaving the source of you.

    If I want the Universe to serve me differently, I have to serve me differently. 

    Einstein was so right, “Doing the same thing over and over and expecting a different result is insanity.”

    You want to see a new reflection in the mirror, than start acting differently.

    No point in begging God for changes, they all begin with you…you change and God follows. 

    What he wants most is for you to find your unique inner voice, your gifts to share with the world, to be your own self.

    It is like we are an unwrapped gift…and it is up to us to unwrap the layers to find our self.

    Who am I and What is my purpose are two great questions that will lead the way.

    God and I await your discovery, we cannot do it for you…

     

April 2026
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I M Perfect, and it is impossible not to be.

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