I M Perfect lady

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  • Keep Play Alive!

    I discovered a great truth about myself and my feelings, that I want to own what I feel and it feels worse to have someone try and get me out before my time, I want feel as long as I want to feel.

    My mail route has been a five day a week job, and I found out on Thursday, that it was switching to a six day a week one week and then a five day the next, rotating every other Saturday off.

    I sulked, and I pouted, and felt deep disappointment in losing a day off, and when my boss tried to placate me with false hopes, it made me feel worse not better.

    It then came to me, it is much better to let a person sit in her pity puddle for as long as she likes and when she comes out on her own, she will be ready to face the life change that put her there.

    I felt cheated and manipulated and cajoled to be feeling a false emotion for her sake, but not mine. Me, I wanted to sit and grieve over my loss of a day off.

    And she felt responsible for my sadness and then tried to feed me false hopes of it being an error that perhaps it will change, etc.

    I told her, please just let me get accustomed to my loss, let me be here, I will adjust and acclimate myself in time. I am okay being sad.

    It began to bother me more that they couldn’t accept me being upset. I can now see it is best to honor the feelings and emotions and not try changing them with words.

    Just let them be.

    I can now see how I have mishandled or perhaps over-handled my daughter’s emotions messing around in them and confusing or mixing them up for my ease.

    I love that we have a right to our emotions and we can express them at our own pace.

    Losing a Saturday every other week does make me sad, it is like losing a play date, a recess or free time…I will have to manipulate the rest of my week to make up this time, perhaps giving up cleaning or washing clothes or cooking…sometimes it takes time to find the silver lining.

    Instead of giving up playtime, I will give up more domestic chores…every other week.

    Whatever it takes to keep Play alive!!!

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  • Colored windows lose their beauty.

    “A man convinced against his will is of the same opinion still,” is a phrase that stops me from entering into a closed mind.

    What I find so enthralling is that religion isn’t a thing it is a thought.

    A thought, a wispy flighty jumble of words and it has the power to control a body and a family and a whole community a group and a bunch…just a few words.

    You can open up a church door and not find ‘religion’ and you can open up a mind and not find it there either, it is nowhere to be found, yet people build their whole lives based upon it.

    This illusive imaginative faith is as controlling as a dictator and yet there is no dictator to be found.

    When someone dies where does their religion go?

    Deepak Chopra says that you can dissect a brain and not find one single thought. And we know it isn’t held in our arms or legs, but yet we move like we are puppets on a string when we commit ourselves to a certain religion.

    Our words are tempered, our voices rising in unison using the same phrases and following the same rules, our minds are synchronized to match.

    Yet, when you take us apart no evidence will lay there.

    In fact the only evidence of your religion is how you lived your life, your life’s trail is a clue.

    What does your life’s trail look like?

    Just as there are footprints I believe there are religion prints that showed how you traversed this life.

    It shows what you leaped over or what you dodged, where you stopped and for how long, who you traveled with and why, your life history is your religious history.

    My first 46 years of my life were led by this religion, it told me who to be with and who to shy away from, what to overlook and what to look towards, who to befriend and to unfriend, who to care for and who to be indifferent to, when to shun and when to embrace, when to talk and when to sing…it controlled my everything.

    My body wasn’t mine it was a vehicle that I had to use to get to heaven and I had to do or not do certain things to it in order to arrive at Heaven’s gate.

    Heaven’s gate was the total focus and life and my body were out to see that I wouldn’t make it, they worked against me at every turn.

    It is my new understanding that what was working against my old religion was me. Me the individual, a me that wasn’t happy without a say.

    It may be hard for folks to realize the ramifications of following a religion and how it leaves out the individual freedom, where your own intuition is squelched.

    I was taught to not listen to my body and not to pay attention to the subtle and not so subtle messages it sent, to instead pull my attention away from the body and focus on the church.

    The church knew the way for me…yet many times I went against it, in shame and guilt, doing what felt right to me.

    It seems that the only way religion works is if they can control you mind body and soul. If the soul is alive if it has a whisper of breath, you will deviate off the path and be less controllable.

    What is so maddening to me is that they take the lives of people but they don’t care about the people.

    They are after the control, but not what they control. There is power when you control.

    Just as Hitler wanted power, he was able to control people to kill people…imagine???

    Perhaps religion has a kinder tone a more gentle approach a church it is housed in, with pretty glass windows, but it’s the overly sweetness that scares me.

    The charismatic chairman whose actions of indifference trail behind him. To the preacher whose trail of raped boys lie in his wake…the pretty colored windows lose their beauty.

  • Disguised as a religious church.

    What came to me is that religion wants to be separated from the people in the church, each and every time a scandal darkens it by one of the congregants. It is then there is a separation between religion and the people who worship it.

    What is it? Does it stand separated from the people; can you add it on and take it off at will? Is it within the walls of a church, where is this religion that stands alone?

    If the people are not all representatives of the religion, then where is it?

    When I discussed the pedophiles within the church, they make it seem like those folks are not representatives of the religion, that they somehow are now separated.

    I just can’t see where you can take the religion out of the man…

    Where is religion stored in a person, where is its compartment of being?

    From my experience the religion was the man/woman. How you moved and where you went all pointed to which religion you were.

    There is no separation between who you are and what religion you worshiped it was all one.

    My mother made no moves without her religion.

    I made moves that went against my religion and was made to feel less than, but they made sense to me, so I moved.
    I was a rebel in my religion when I made decisions that went against the rules. The goal of the religion was to keep us all uniform.

    What I think they failed to take into consideration is the human factor, for their religion looks good on paper but its application fails in reality.

    While trying to preserve the religion they disregard the children, so intent are they on the practice of forgiving sins, they fail to see the wounded.

    And the wounded fill the benches and continue to bleed upon the walls of their religion unseen or cared for.

    How is that religion any different than my childhood home?

    Wasn’t the cover of family supposed to protect the children?

    Somehow in the minds of the people in the pews they believe their children are safe from pedophiles, while pedophiles are preaching to them, sitting by them, singing with them, their blind faith has them unseeing.

    Their faith is to please God by blessing the sinners, while the sinners are free to sin against them again and again.

    The blessers fail to see that the it is not working, that the tools they are using are useless to stop children from being raped.

    And even more importantly, they can’t see themselves harboring criminals when they do so.

    A den of criminals is how my old religion feels. One huge moving abiding blind horrifying mess.

    If you can’t get the blessers to stop blessing, how in the world can you get the pedophiles to stop raping?

    What tools does your religion have to stop this insanity?
    How powerful is that religion if it condones this?
    Who are you as you sit in the pew?
    What are you truly part of?
    What are you supporting?

    I am sorry, but if you belong to a group that has had generations of pedophiles roaming freely, you are not in a religion but in a cult of pedophiles, that is disguised as a religious church.

  • As far as I can tell.

    From David Hawkin’s book, Truth vs Falsehood a chapter called, Spiritual Truth.

    “While the majority of people in the United States believe in God (90-92%, CNN News, April 2004) and therefore tend to look to established religions for the highest truth, the source of the truth upon which all religions depend stems from the even higher primary source of spiritual reality itself. Thus, religion is the institutional consequence of spiritual truth rather than is origination or primary source. However, because religion incorporates the truth revealed by its founders, the derived teachings are sufficient and satisfactory for the great majority of people for whom the information is facilitated and made available as scripture by institutionalized religion.”

    “There as been a great deal of research into the historic origins of the scriptures of all religions, resulting in much discourse and debate over the centuries as to specifics, such as dates, people, and authenticity. Some finalized versions of scriptures were formalized by exclusive councils and became “canons” by virtue of scholastic authority. Technically, interpretation of their meaning is the providence theology, epistemology, metaphysics, and ontology (the science of life).”

    “All the great spiritual teachers throughout history were mystics, and the source of their awareness of spiritual truth was the result of Enlightenment and transformational Realization of the Reality of Divinity as the subjective knowingness that ensues from advanced consciousness by virtue of being at One with that Known. Thus, the avatar does not speak from knowing “about” but from the actual Presence within, which radiates forth and constitutes the Essence of that which replaces the mind as the source of understanding and Knowingness (the classic Purusha). The process whereby this transformation occurs has been described in the history of each saint, safe, and divine teacher and is often included in the scripture itself.”

    “From a purely research viewpoint, the calibrations of levels of consciousness can be aptly applied to verify the reality of any spiritual teaching, including their traditional scriptures. Each level represents the actuality of the possibilities of consciousness and the progress from the linear to the nonlinear context, which is infinite and beyond space, time or location.”

    “The source of the highest spiritual truth is non-mental, and the intellect has difficulty comprehending this critical fact because the mind is intrinsically dualistic and limited, expecting a “this” to come from a “that”. In the advanced spiritual Reality, duality dissolves because the “this” is the “that.” The seeker and the Sought become One with the transcendence of the limitation of duality, i.e., Realization of the Self, Illumination, and Enlightenment, i.e., “The Kingdom of God is within you.”

    (he list some calibrations, I will post a few that I recognize)
    A Course in Miracles, workbook – 600
    A Course in Miracles, textbook – 550
    Bhagavad-Gita- 910
    Bodhidharma Zen Teachings – 795
    Dead Sea Scrolls – 260
    Gospel of St. Luke – 699
    Gospel of St. Thomas – 660
    King James Bible from the Greek –475
    Lao-Tsu Teachings –610
    New Testament (King James Version after the deletion of the Book of revelations) 790
    Torah – 550
    Trinity (concept) 945
    Yoga Sutras, Patanjali – 740

    “Displayed above are integrous calibrated truths available to humankind, some for over thousands of years of evolutionary history. Any single selection is, in and of itself, sufficient for a lifetime of study and spiritual endeavor. As aspirants discover, it is one thing to know about the truth and quite another to understand it or, even more importantly to become it. Spiritual progress is simultaneously simple yet complex, subtle and yet cataclysmic, inspired and yet intimidating. To transcend the limitations of the ego requires intention, integrity of purpose, and resolve (plus grace: the assistance of an advanced teacher and positive karma). The journey often starts seemingly accidentally or as a consequence of curiosity. It then gathers interest and finally involvement, followed by commitment and the discovery of undreamed-of rewards.”

    “To facilitate this endeavor, scriptures and the great spiritual classics supply critical information. Commitment to the goals of spiritual progress, in and of itself, has a transformative effect on brain physiology and attracts spiritual energies that shift alignment and power of concordant attractor energy fields. These recontextualize subjective reality and optimize realization.”

    “From the calibration levels, it becomes evident that the great sages from the early Aryan culture of ancient India represented the first major emergence of the highest spiritual awareness available to man recorded. The same truths emerged later in different cultures and eras, completely and separately from each other, and yet the realization of the nature of the highest truth was essentially identical in each case, with some variations of expression that reflected cultural and linguistic differences. Thus, truth as such is not exclusive but universal, or it would not be truth. Therefore, spiritual or religious claims of exclusivity indicate the interference and errors of the egos of later followers of the original sages.”

    “Truth by definition, has no limitation or qualification and is not discriminatory. Inasmuch as everyone already has a calibratable level of consciousness at birth, the circumstances of that even would imply that they are not accidental but consequent to patterns of spiritual evolution as they manifest in the physical world as culture, family, time, and circumstances. (Consciousness research reveals that the particulars of every individual’s birth are absolutely, perfectly karmically just and maximally advantageous, despite appearances or personal opinion to the contrary.)”

    “The calibrations of the world’s greatest teachers are concordant with human experience and validation over great periods of time despite the major cultural changes to which they are relatively immune due to their nonlinear essence. Because truth exists independently of its discovery, like gold, its rediscovery elicits excitement and attraction to a new source.”

    “Advanced spiritual students value all sources of truth and often study combinations of them. Thus, the study of Christian mystics clarifies the truths revealed by the Vedas, and, in turn the Vedas clarify Buddhist teachings that then clarify the teachings of Jesus Christ.”

    “ The limitation of traditional religious practice has been that it often gets involved with the peripheral issues of times, places, personalities, and ethnic propensities (i.e. form and content). Of greater significance is the study of material that is intrinsic of the truths revealed (i.e., the field) and not the circumstances of the events, as anecdotally interesting as they might be. These trappings, which are actually extraneous, have a negative effect in that they are deceptive, diversionary, and lead to such absurdities as people killing each other over whether or not one should wear a bear or worship on a certain day of the week, the designation of which did not even exist at the time of the appearance of the great avatars. In Realty, which is nontemporal, there are no “days of the week.”

    “Religious zealots who kill “nonbelievers” for trivia, such as hats, beards, diets, and designated days of devotion, display the negative fallout of undue emphasis on cultural eccentricities. As readers of the original scriptures can see for themselves, every day is a day of devotion; every day is Sabbath. In the hands of barbarians, trivial differences are magnified and then become merely tools of war that “justify” serious sacrilege and violation of even the simplest of spiritual principles. Perhaps transmission of spiritual truth is best done by example and attraction rather than by promulgation to the people who are incapable of appreciating its value, appropriate use and intention.”
    “True missionaries spread valid information and teach by example. Those who are incorrectly motivated become sources of oppression, which leads to revolt (e.g., the Boxer Rebellion).”

    “Missionary zeal reaches it ultimate expression as theocracies and the establishment of state religions that utilize force and punitive government regulations. The history of Europe reflects the utilization of religion in the name of monarchies and power struggles involving the nonintegrous exploitation of church authority. Religious conflict has led to religions wars, which have traditionally been the worst of all wars over the centuries and in almost all parts of the globe, even as reflected in current events arising out of the Middle East. Spirituality unites, whereas, unfortunately, the downside of religion divides. Severe distortions of religious truths lead to them becoming the exact opposites in practice.”

    “Questionable Scriptures and Notes on the Christian Bible”
    Old Testament – 190
    Book of Revelations – 70
    David Hawkins

    What is so amazing is that it seems instead of seeking the truth that the great masters and sages sought, religions are fighting over semantics on the masters journey, completely failing to see the journey of truth while fighting about how they got there.

    Religion has done more damage to the truth in life than any other source as far as I can tell.

  • In the Land of Falsehood.

    In David Hawkin’s book “Truth vs Falsehood” he writes,

    “The Reality of Freedom and Happiness.”“Just as all that is destructive has a common source, so do freedom, success, health and peace have a common source, which is that of spiritual truth and integrity.”

    “ Everyone is potentially free to be free. It is merely a matter of choice to follow the pathway to truth to the degree that one can discover it as identifiable, knowable, and confirmable. Instead of envying or hating success, the truly successful imitate it, copy it, identify with it, and develop the patterns. To take responsibility for one’s own actions and their consequences is, it itself, extremely powerful and almost instantly raises one’s calibrated level of consciousness to over 200.”

    Above 200 – Levels of Truth
    Below 200 – Levels of Falsehood

    “An extremely valuable insight that is learned by all spiritually evolved persons in the course of their development is seeing ones own personal consciousness as the decisive influence that determines all that occurs in one’s life.”

    “Another operative principle, whose recognition results in greater aspects for positionalities, is that the mind either consciously or unconsciously tends to manifest that which is held in mind. It is very helpful to see that, in reality chocolate is not the enemy of vanilla but represents only a contrasting option. It is also well to recognize the infantile ego that secretly hides within is extremely needy, constantly hoping for praise and input, and is obsessed with being “right” as well as nursing “wrongs,” “grievances,” injustices and grudges. It takes little reflection to see that the ego gets much energy and benefit from negative postionalities, and that spiritual evolution is accelerated greatly by the willingness to forego these dubious payoffs in return for real gains.”

    Pathway to Freedom and Happiness

    “The steps out of failure, unhappiness, frustration, lack, want, anger, and depression are deceptively simple. Life is a voyage comparable to being out at sea in which a shift of one degree on the ships compass will determine by the end of the trip whether or not one is hundreds of miles off course. The strongest too, which already exists within, is the spiritual will itself, which when firmly set, will face and take on any obstacle. It is this spiritual will that determines the success of the venture. From subjective experience, as well as many years of clinical practice, spiritual education, and research, it is confirmed that the spiritual will is the primordial rudder that determines not only this lifetime but classically termed karma (cal 1,000)”

    “By one simple decision, the impossible becomes possible because the lead sinkers that were attached to the cork have been released and now the cork effortlessly rises because of the density and power of the field. Thus, one can let go of the egoistic illusion that spiritual progress is difficult and that one has to do it all alone. On the contrary, illusions of lack disappear and powerful energies now help to sustain one’s progress, which is now accompanied by the pleasure of increased self esteem, and the world magically begins to appear to be a friendly and helpful place. The brains neurochemistry changes in a positive direction, and like a butterfly out of a cocoon, the etheric brain springs forth as a consequence of the onset of the flow of spiritual (i.e. kundalini) energy, and the experience of life and the self in the world transform.”

    “ It will be discovered that the ego consists of interlocking building blocks and that to move even one unsettles the whole pile which then begins to fall of its own gravity. Even a seemingly small effort can have very major effects, and one discovers that just a simple smile can totally change one’s life. The many thousands of people who follow self-improvement and spiritual pathways confirm the reality of this discovery.”

    “Following is a list of “winner” attitudes, all of which are quite simple to choose and have extremely long-term benefits. Life lived in the energy field of a calibration level over 200 is quite different from life lived from the conscious level of 180.

    Available 265
    Balanced 305
    Benign 225
    Calm 250
    Considerate 295
    Content 255
    Cordial 255
    Dependable 250
    Diligent 210
    Diplomatic 210
    Easy going 210
    Equitable 365
    Ethical 305
    Fair 305
    Faithful 365
    Firm 245
    Flexible 245
    Friendly 280
    Genuine 255
    Glad 335
    Happy 395
    Hard Work 200
    Healthy 360
    Helpful 220
    Honest 200
    Honorable 255
    Humane 260
    Humility 270
    Idealistic 295
    Kind 220
    David Hawkins

    What I found so affirming is that your Spiritual Will is the motivator and that by changing just one little thing, your ship will sail in a new direction, especially over time. And you are the one who can go inside and dig down and find the will you want and by standing by it, life will change.

    The other thing that I love is that just by owing your responsibility and accepting the consequences of your actions you rise to the level of truth. For when you blame anything outside of yourself, it registers Falsehood and is below the level of 200.

    Now, these numbers don’t mean as much as the words or implication of the numbers. That your life will change when you become responsible for it, you will see that your action delivered to you its consequence. So instead of blaming the consequence, get ahead of it by changing the action. The falsehood is that it is someone else responsibility for your happiness.

    And what is wildly exciting and filled with freedom is that it all begins with you. Just as Gandhi stated, “you are the change you are waiting for.”

    What I see is that your own truths when faced in a responsible manner automatically raises your happiness level, while in our heads it seems that it will lower it.

    We believe that if we show our truths, expose the reality of our lives, all hell will break lose, but in fact the opposite happens, heaven appears.

    I didn’t even know there was a number system out there that could calibrate the truth of things, but how curious it is that the higher the number the better you feel or in my case, I headed out and steered my world by feelings.

    I simply stopped doing things that didn’t feel good or that had terrible consequences to me feeling good.

    Some things seem at face value easy to do and harmless, but if you look at how it sits with your integrity it is huge.

    The greater tragedy in this business of Truth vs Falsehood is the application of my old religions tool of ‘blessing away the sins’ when in fact it is removing the truth from our lives.

    I see that religion as preaching falsehood and I know that many within there would be in shock and awe of my blaspheming.

    Yet, it is only when you have been on the receiving end of them disregarding the actions of a pedophile, that you can see the application of this.

    Instead of all preaching and singing halting when a pedophile is in their mix, they stay the party line and bless his sins away.

    How they believe they are heading in the direction of Heaven is beyond me…for it seems that just to arrive at the level of truth you have to take responsibility and their consequences, until then you live in the land of falsehood.

  • Rescue Dolls…

    Shortly after my Aunt died in a fire at her home, I rescued a box full of partially complete dolls. Their bodies were all stuffed, and their faces painted, wigs done, and their under garments compete down to tiny little socks and shoes.

    I finished 7 dolls and gave one to each of my sisters, my mother and my Aunt’s daughter-in-law. The pattern called for dresses and pinafores and hats, so it was up to me to make the outer garments for she hadn’t begun to do that.

    I meant to create one for myself, but time slipped away. It has been over 10 years since I made the last one.

    As I have been wondering about doing a Lady Doll, it came to me that my doll would not have a face, and perhaps I could learn how to do my doll by putting together the whole doll…well, I skipped all the small details, like socks, and petticoats and pinafores.

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    I did find a hat and a pair of shoes, plus bloomers. I had to make her dress, it was a quick try and needs tweaking. I want to try and design a dress that is more appropriate for a Lady doll, instead of girl doll.

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    She seems to childlike…I will have to play with different clothes and perhaps a new body type. But I LOVE her hair.

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    While tossing ideas and inspiration it came to me, that I like my dolls and ladies without faces, for faces almost seem like masks…we can hide our true selves behind a face. And perhaps the face we are most familiar with was put on to keep our parents happy…or we have a social face, a business face…I like it best minus the face.

    I have two faces that my aunt painted and it came to me to use them in a Lady Quilt, where the face will be separated from the form of the Lady…perhaps seeing herself from a distant or her face on the ground. I can’t wait to begin playing, now that I have a feel for how a doll goes together, we started here… She was a brunette and I changed her hair color…

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    I am grateful that I had the opportunity to save these dolls. The pattern was dated 1977, created by Rainie Crawford.

  • In Peace I walked Free!

    After my last post about the Civil War in abusive homes, I had to look up the meaning of Civil to see what it means to be in a Civil war.

    Civil -polite: polite, but in a way that is cold and formal.
    And then I looked up the combination of the two words, Civil War,

    Civil War – is a war between organized groups within the same nation state or republic or, less commonly, between two countries created from a formerly-united nation.

    The formerly united family is now at war with themselves, brothers against brothers, sisters against sister, children against parents for some of the blind can now see, some of the brainwashed are beginning to think on their own, an awakening is happening, and this causes a war within a war.

    I don’t want to leave the feelings that in this Civil War no peace is found, for it is. Peace is found in no longer remaining silent. Power is replacing the forced politeness…children are rising up and finding their true self, they feel the stirrings of their Spirit.

    They are finding their unused voices, speaking forbidden words and names, identifying the enemy and no longer remaining civil – polite cold and formal.

    They will become warm and informal, perhaps become unconventional and different, they will be marching to their own drums, hearing their own music for the very first time.
    Hearing the stirrings of inner freedom and expression, of passion and of self-awareness, they will fight now to be free from being held prisoner to another.

    This civil war will end for the lucky ones, for the ones who can find the thread of their soul, the inner knowing that their very aliveness depends on them leaving the family, that if they stay they may as well die.

    There wasn’t a moment of hesitation when I left my family, there wasn’t a drop of doubt, for to the depth of my being, I knew I had been one of the living dead and staying there aware would be to be buried alive, for now I knew I was alive but dead.

    What I had found that day back in December of 2004, was a dead me. A me that had no me in it. A me that was full of the definitions from my parents, the beliefs and thoughts of my religion, but there wasn’t but a speck of me there.
    Not a part of me that defined by me, just me.

    I was a body being used by my family and a religion, but I wasn’t alive and now I was aware of it. And once I knew, I could no longer not know. And when you know you are then awake of how asleep you have been.

    And when you are awake, you see the civil war you lived in.

    Imagine being in a war but unaware you are at war. Or even aware that you are scarred and lame due to the battles you unsuccessfully fought.

    A civil war refugee that finds its imperfect self is on the path to perfection.
    “Coming from whence you came…” you should act, be and walk and talk like the walking wounded.

    You are the perfect representation of an abused child. You are the signpost or the poster child for abuse. You have displayed yourself perfectly, the perfectly abused.
    Perfectly abused people act perfectly abused. When you are aware of how abused you are, you can then begin to heal.

    Denying your brokenness is denying your self.

    I found myself in a completely broken state and complete freedom arose, for I no longer had to strive for perfection instead I embraced my imperfections and found them to be perfectly me.

    In agreement with my history I found peace…and the freedom to be myself.

    To walk my walk.

    To talk my talk.

    To be a me I had yet to be.

    An individual, a free spirit, with a clear mind no longer washed by others, in peace I walked free.

    Freedom’s just another word for nothing left to lose!

  • A Pedophiles Nest

    There is only one human race, but there are many small sprints or similar roads we travel and our travel companions often times are running silently with us, unbeknownst to either of us.

    We feel alone and separated, when in fact our road is quite packed and overrun with folks of all ages.

    As refugees of our own secret war we hide our battle scars, for it is not a war we are proud to be in, it is more like we are prisoners of this war.

    Wartime prisoners walking free in chains of guilt and confused of who our real enemy is and fearful of those we love.

    To frighten to speak of the war crimes, we soldier on in silence, while our behavior displays great cover-ups and covert actions.

    Are we soldiers or are we prisoners?

    Who are we fighting for, whose side are we on?

    In the war of abuse the lines get fuzzy, our enemy lines are blurred by images of father, uncle, brother, sister, mother.

    The enemy looks and sounds too familiar. We can’t tell ‘friendly’ fire from those of our enemies.

    The war against abuse becomes the war against the family, a family’s civil war.

    This family civil war begins when a parent abuses a child or allows a child’s abuse to go untreated. The family home then becomes a war zone, where you’re living with the enemy, a prisoner of war.

    The war has been waging for generations and many lifetimes…and yet we feel that we are the ones who start the war by speaking of it, when if fact we are trying to end it.

    Ending this war means ending the ‘family’ as it stands.

    The insanity of it all, is what they call family is really a civil war, where children are born prisoners and in order to be free, have to leave the family.

    I am not sure I can articulate this correctly, but we are born into the land of the enemies and we are supporting a war machine while being the land it occupies.

    It is like we are on the team of our enemies fighting against ourselves.

    And to me, the reality of this was the beginning of an out and out war, for as long as I was a silent and well-behaved prisoner of war, a family’s image remained intact and the monster remained behind the façade of father.

    The near impossible task is to see the enemy of the family’s civil war, to feel the love evaporate, the trust turn to fear, and face that you lived in the middle of enemy territory.

    The refugees of this war come stumbling out of their families…lost, confused and alone or in the company of siblings in the same condition. In order to win the war, we’ll have to fight against the family, become its enemy.

    What is seen, as a family civil war is actually the war against abusive behavior, is a fight for the innocent children, a battle to begin healing from criminal acts in childhood.

    For all the new refugees and soldiers who have switched sides, I applaud you and your bravery and courage to stand up against enemies.

    The good news is that you have been fighting to keep a monster in power, and now you are fighting to take him down and all the energy, strength and endurance you have used to live within enemy camp can now be used against him/her.

    The family civil war can only be won in tearing the family apart and display it as it is, a pedophile’s nest.

  • Protected me.

    For six years I have been saying that I have no memory, and I have lied. I have no mind memory, but my body has always had its memory.

    I don’t have actual vivid stories to recount, but I do have the physical reaction within my body’s mass, its nerves and muscles…it knows what I forgot to remember.

    For years I wasn’t pleased with my ‘cold’ body, how it chose not to get close to my parents, how it literally would feel unease in their presence, never the desire to snuggle close or lean in and get into their aurora.

    It was like I wasn’t driving this body, that this body had a life of its own…it craved things and repelled things on its own volition.

    Now with hidden truths and untold stories known, I now am supportive of this living organism that has a beautiful memory, a trusting articulate knowing and isn’t fooled by flimsy masks.

    It never pretended to pretend it always reacted accurately aligning itself to the experiences of its past.

    Me inside was always disappointed in its lack of warmth for my parents, its lack of trust and faith and its inability to recognize and feel their love.

    My body stood strong and resilient to all my longings and childish wishes…it would not give up what it knew.

    It knew my father’s imprint, my mother’s indifference…it never once changed its way, lost its courage or grace.

    It just was…

    An abused body and it knew its source.

    Its memory carried me when I was to blind to see, to wounded to know, It always has protected me…

  • Grace and Courage

    As Alice Miller’s book comes to a close, she encapsulates her thoughts.

    “In this book (The Body Never Lies) I express hope that , as psychological knowledge grows, the power of the Fourth Commandment will wane in favor of the appropriate respect for the vital biological needs of the body, including truth, loyalty to oneself and to one’s perceptions, feelings and insights. If I seek genuine expressions of my feelings in a genuine form of communication, everything that was built on lies and insincerity will fall away from me. Then I will no longer strive for a relationship in which I pretend to have feelings that I do not have, or suppress others that I do have. Love that excludes honesty does not deserve the name of love.

    The following points may serve to sum up these ideas.

    1. The “love” of formerly abused children for their parents is not love. It is an attachment fraught with expectations, illusions, and denials, and it exacts a high price from all those involved in it.

    2. The price of this attachment is paid primarily by the next generation of children, who grow up in a spirit of mendacity because their parents automatically inflict on them the thins they believe “did them good.” Young parents themselves also frequently pay for their denial with serious damage to their health because their “gratitude” stands in contradiction to the knowledge stored in their bodies.

    3. The frequent failure of therapy can be explained by the fact that most therapists are themselves caught up in the snare of traditional morality and attempt to drag their clients into the same kind of captivity because it is all they know. As soon as clients start to feel and become capable of roundly condemning the deeds, say, of an incestuous father, therapists will probably be assailed by fear of punishment at the hands of their own parents if they should dare to look their own truth in the face and express it for what it is. How else can we explain the fact that forgiveness is declared to be an instrument of healing? Therapists frequently propose this to reassure themselves, just as the parents did. But because it sounds very familiar to the messages communicated to them in childhood by their parents, albeit expressed in a more friendly way, some patients may need some time to see through the pedagogic angle of it. And even once they finally have recognized it, they can hardly leave their therapist, especially if a new toxic attachment has already formed, if for them, the therapist has become like a mother who has helped them to a new birth (because in this new relationship they have started to feel). So they may continue to expect salvation from the therapist instead of listening to their body and accepting the aid it signals represent.

    4. Once clients, accompanied by an enlightened witness, have lived through and understood their fear of their parents (or parental figures), they can gradually start to break off destructive attachments. The positive reaction of the body will not be long in coming: its communications will become more and more and more comprehensible; it will cease to express itself in mysterious symptoms. Then clients will realize that their therapists have deceived them (frequently involuntarily) because forgiveness actually prevents the formation of scar tissue over the old wound, not to speak of complete recovery. And it can never dispel the compulsion to repeat the same pattern over and over again. This is something we can all find out from our own experience.

    “In The Body Never Lies, I have tried to show that some widely held views have long since exploded by scientific research. Among them are the convictions that forgiveness has a salutary effect, that a commandment can produce genuine love, and that feigning feelings that we do not have is compatible with the demand for honesty. But my criticism of such misleading ideas is by not means to be equated with a refusal to recognize any moral standards or with a wholesale rejection of morality.”

    “On the contrary, Precisely because I staunchly uphold certain values – such as integrity, awareness, responsibility, or loyalty to oneself – I have difficulty with the denial of truths that I consider self-evident and have in fact been empirically substantiated.”

    “Inability to face up to the sufferings undergone in childhood can be observed both in the form of religious obedience and in cynicism, irony, and other forms of self-alienation frequently masquerading as philosophy or literature. But ultimately the body will rebel. Even if it can be temporarily pacified with the help of drugs, nicotine, or medicine, it usually has the last word, because it is quicker to see through self-deception than the mind, particularly if the mind has been trained to function as an alienated self. We may ignore or deride the messages of the body, but its rebellion demands to be heeded because its language is the authentic expression of our true selves and of the strength of our vitality.” Alice Miller

    What I find so affirming is are the major factors that Alice believes will help a person heal from abuse is what I discovered as well…

    Honoring thy Mother and thy Father…is no longer valid when they don’t honor you. This is a two way road and that love without honesty isn’t love.

    Secondly, the forgiveness to keep them ‘sin’ free…will not put scar tissue on our wound; it will not help heal us at all. In fact, we eventually will hurt our children, for we are still unhealed and hurt.

    From what I am hearing in my old church based upon the premise of forgiveness, this is self evident. If forgiveness worked, it would have stopped a long time ago. But when you hear that the grandparent was a perpetrator, the parent was perpetrator and now a child is, Forgiveness doesn’t stop abuse!

    And I love how she uses the body as a gauge for our barometer to our honesty. Your body simply does not know how to lie, it just responds in kind to the climate in which it is forced to live.

    How easily our world troubles could be solved if we all were brave enough to speak our truth and walk behind it with grace and courage…

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April 2026
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