I M Perfect lady

Blog

  • A broken Heart.

    Remnants of a long conversation linger in my head, dragging out more ideas and different slants on fear, truth and death.

     

    I wonder what some would fear most, facing their truths or facing their deaths.

     

    If you truths were real vanilla and uneventful, of course death would loom large and scary, but what if your past was scarier?

     

    What if you were being asked to look upon a past filled with trauma, then how would your death look?

     

    Death seems like an escape hatch a welcome slide into oblivion, compared to having to feel, deal and heal a wound of abnormal proportions.

     

    Today I was exploring the depths of psychosomatic symptoms in the body and this is what I read.

     

    “Yet even when a patient accepts their symptom is being caused by an emotion—an exceptionally difficult barrier to surmount—the trauma that caused the symptom in the first place is often shown to be so ugly that both patient and doctor can readily understand why the patient’s mind converted it into a physical symptom in the first place:  even the mind itself believed the emotional trauma to be easier to handle that way. 

    Physical symptoms often get better with a pill.  Emotional traumas often take years to heal—if even then.  The technology we have to heal the scars caused by some traumas—as advanced and helpful as psychology can be—still lags behind the technology we have to treat ailments with purely physical causes.

    But we shouldn’t be discouraged.  We may all experience psychosomatic symptoms to some degree, but when our symptoms are shown to be so and we accept it, that acceptance becomes the most important step toward resolving them.  After all, how can we find a contact lens we lost by looking near a lamppost when we lost it in the shadows?  The real work begins, of course, once we start looking in the right place.  Dealing with somatization only requires us to bring to the table one quality:  courage.” (Alex Lickerman)

     

    Isn’t it amazing that the mind can convert trauma into a physical symptom?

    How interesting to read and understand more how emotional trauma affects the body.

    And I love how courage is what we need to bring to the table. 

    Courage. 

    Courage to face our truths, our past and our hurts, and especially if the truth hurts the images we held of our family.

    Courage, wow, I think they forgot a broken heart.

    IMG_2624

     

  • Ladies empowering Ladies!

    In her book, “The Woman’s Book of Creativity” C Diane Ealy writes.

     

    “The expression of woman’s creativity is crucial to our development as self-defined individuals who understand that real power is having power over ourselves.  This knowledge negates the old notion of power as something held over someone else. Creative women are strong women who empower others through their creativity.”

     

    I love this. 

     

    Not only do I feel stronger doing yoga daily, but I am also feeling stronger in self, and if that is from being more creative, I am way excited.

     

    Imagine that I am becoming more powerful as I play with fabric, designs and being creative with my Ladies. 

     

    This has to be why it was so important to me when I was so lost that I felt such a draw to be creative.  It was the one thing I held on to tightly, subconsciously I knew this was where I grew stronger.

     

    I love that my creative ladies empower other ladies…what a great energy flow!

     

    Ladies empowering Ladies!

    I love it.

  • Love and control only me!

    I have had a lot of changes in the past five and a half years, and all of them have been perception changes, changes that had nothing to do with the other person, in fact I have changed no one, nor do I want to.

     

    While my life has changed dramatically, those who I now see differently didn’t change, I just changed the way I look at them.

     

    I am not certain if this makes sense to anyone but me, but it so wonderful to know that our job isn’t about doing work on other people, bending and twisting them into something that will make our lives better and then us better.

     

    We can make us better without any help from anyone; it is a one-person job.  You do it alone.

     

    Most of the work was done on looking at others in their reality, and then deciding upon if I wanted to participate in their lives.

     

    Giving myself the option to go in or get out, freed me in ways that’s unimaginable. 

     

    My reality went from needing others to do this and to do that, to wanting them this way and then that way, I was forever sitting down waiting for them to change, to be better, grow kinder and for sure see me waiting.  Always sitting helpless and hopeless and stuck on one level waiting, it was like they had the controls to my elevator!

     

    They controlled me until I realized I had a choice.

     

    Most will not take the choice when it is a parent or family member that has been at the controls of your elevator. 

     

    Somehow it seems less scary to ride along out of control, than it is to take control back from your parent.

     

    We believe that the mother/father whose hands are on the controls, love and control us.

     

    Now the words love and control going together seems way wrong. 

     

    What happened to the “if you love something, set it free…” quote.

     

    The most loving thing I did for myself was to learn how to control my own self.

     

    I was like a remote control toy finding out I could control myself.

     

    Imagine living a life where others controlled you to living a life where you controlled your self?

     

    The difference is so vast, and all that happened was I took over controlling this unit.

     

    Love and control only me!

     

     

     

  • Chain of Co-dependency

    “The moment a child is born, the mother is also born.  She never existed before.  The woman existed, but the mother, never.  A mother is something absolutely new. “          

    ~Rajneesh

     

    It is incredible that a mother is born the same day a child is born, that is all it takes to be a mom.  Most never stop to think that we are handing over children to be mothered by someone who has never mothered!  Up and until then she was just a woman.

     

    And this woman is now in charge of another being beside herself. 

     

    We mother from the self we are.

     

    The same woman who arrives at the hospital to have a baby is the same one that mothers; we are not given any magic potion to make us a mother. 

     

    How I treated myself, how I was in relationships, was how I mothered.  I mothered with that same self.

     

    I simply didn’t have a separated self that mothered.  I mothered as me!

     

    All my deficiencies fell onto my children, all my fears trickled into their worlds, and my insecurities were filled by how they behaved.

     

    To totally raise a child that is balanced and independent, you yourself need to be balanced and independent.

     

    My co-dependent nature didn’t allow them to be separated from me.  I had a voice in every choice they made.

    It was like we were the oddest set of Siamese twins.

     

    Attached by an emotional dysfunctional tether, like a layer of skin we lived in each other’s lives connected always by how the other behaved, how they felt affected us, very little degree of separation.

     

    Somehow subconsciously I was weaving us together to be totally dependent upon the other, which deprived both of us from living independent strong lives.

     

    It was scary cutting the ties and letting go of control and not being the most important voice in their lives, and allowing them to be themselves, but I did it.

     

    Instead I focused all my attentions on my self and learning how to mother, or more importantly how to be a strong separated self.

     

    It is incredible to me how we focus on the children, how we want the children to be this and that, so than we can claim we were a good parent.

     

    If you instead focus on the parent, you will see that the lacks in the child all are flowing from the parent.

     

    They are as strong as our weakest link.

     

    It is easier to blame the child than it is to fix our weak link.

     

    I had many weak links, a chain that was falling apart.

     

    Each time I repaired a section; I give my child another link to freedom and self worth.

     

    My chain and my legacy pattern are to be a separated self and to break the chain of co-dependency.

     IMG_3420

  • Keepers of Our Lives!

    Today I watched Chip Conley speaking about measuring what makes life worthwhile on the Ted Conference, www.ted.com

     

    And it has me pondering…

     

    How do we count a good life?

    What do we use as ruler?

    What do you put in the plus column and what is dumped in the minus?

    Does your life ledger hold more assets or liabilities?

     

    My worthwhile column holds so many items too many to count, it is simply overflowing.

     

    What I am finding is that even my minuses make it to the plus column, for they deliver me lessons which turn out to be great gifts in learning how to live a better life.

     

    Measuring life by how I feel, how alive and inspired, how connected and aware I am, are my greatest measurement for worthwhile ness. 

     

    Each day is a new page in the ledger book of Life. 

     

    We move about our days adding and subtracting from each column.

     

    Saying yes or no is how we move about this page, what we spend our time doing, how we engage in the world, who we interact with, where we go and what we do.

     

    We are the pencil and the one who keeps the tally, the scorekeeper of our lives. 

     

    We place the value on things; we decide into which column our life moments will go.

     

    It is finding the silver lining in the clouds of life that keep us from chalking off minuses.

     

    As keepers of our ledgers, we are keepers of our lives!

     

     IMG_3621

  • What Fills Me Up.

    Dr. Jill Bolte Taylor wrote about energy takers in her book, “My Stroke of Insight”.

     

    And if you watch how your body responds to different situations, you can find this out yourself.

     

    I know that when I am in the presence of people who talk about life negatively, I leave totally drained.

     

    Some talk in a victim mode where life is out to get you, and there is nothing you can do to change it.  They are not looking for an answer, but rather seem to delight in sharing more and more of how victimized they are and who the next big threat will be and how to guard against it. 

     

    Living on the defensive side of life!

     

    They are fighting with life and feeling they are being assaulted by life at every turn. 

     

    From this mode there is very little in life that brings them happiness, mostly life brings them bad news.

     

    Their radar is positioned to spot the next attack.

     

    Very interesting to watch the way the conversations flowed and how my energy level disappeared.

     

    It doesn’t matter which topic is brought up, they see it from a victim’s point of view and their victim energy gets refilled.

     

    I didn’t realize that victim energy could be draining on one side and refilling on the other.

     

    What fuels the victim mode is feeling more like a victim.

     

    My energy system needs the opposite; I need to be with life giving energies, where change is seen as an opportunity to change.  Where you flow with life, greeting it as it is, and bending in nonresistance, where you look for answers and solutions.

     

    What is greatly interesting to me, it is not the individual bodies I resent, but their modalities of living life.

     

    My view of life is so completely different now. I no longer feel a victim to life, but instead a partner with my life.

     

    As I walk hand in hand with my life, I feel so grateful to be free of the life draining energies that engulfed me in my past and I now know what brings me energy or what steals it away.

     

    Living life from the inside out, I feel the differences between energy coming in and my energies leaving, how I feel with someone or how I feel when I leave.

     

    I love that I know this about me.

    I love knowing what is draining me and what fills me up.

     

    As a good body keeper it is my job to watch for energy drains and for what fills me up.

     

     IMG_3099

     

     

     

     

     

     

     

     

     

     

     

     

  • He Acts Like a Dad.

    Love and fear.  Everything the father of a family says must inspire one or the other. 

      ~Joseph Joubert

     

    Today is Father’s Day and kids of all ages will think of their dads and of the many ways he influenced their lives. 

     

    As I look at my father, I feel that he missed the mark of being a dad and in doing so made our lives that much more difficult to navigate.

     

    We are taught by what we see in our home and from the way we are treated.

     

    We learn to love from how we are loved.

    We learn respect from how we are respected.

    We learn about our self by how others treat us.

    We learn how to feel about ourselves by the way others feel about us.

     

    We are simply taught by the actions others give us.  And in my childhood home we were given a backwards kind of love, one that mixed love with fear.

     

    Love and fear do not go together, ever.

     

    They are not the ingredients to make a child grow.

     

    I am so grateful that my children do not fear their dad.

     

    My mother said at one time that what she wanted most was for her kids to have a dad; she didn’t want to deprive us of that.

     

    Yet the man she hung on to was not dad material.

     

    You can have a man in the home, but only his actions can make him a dad.

     

    My husband has surpassed my wildest dreams of being a dad.  He has spent endless hours engaged with our kids on all levels.

     

    He acts like a dad. 

     

     

  • What you do in time.

    “Time is the most indefinable yet paradoxical of things; the past is gone, the future is not come, and the present becomes the past even while we attempt to define it, and, like the flash of lightning, at once exists and expires.”   

        ~Charles Caleb Colton

     

     

    My brother wrote about time, its fleeting quality and the fact that the mind gets caught up in it or rather the mind and time go hand and hand.

     

    What is time?  Can you see it and does your body know what time it is on the clock, or does your body simply feel its way through the day?

     

    We are taught to eat by the hour hands on a clock and go to sleep by time, and not body’s physical feelings.  We expect certain things from children in time with little allowance for individual growth.

     

    Time seems to take priority over individual self.

     

    Time slips away we say or is life slipping away?  Is it that we allow our selves to watch time instead of seeing what we are doing?

     

    The more I am aware of what I am doing, how I am spending my time and with whom, the less time seems to matter.

     

    Maybe it isn’t about time at all but instead about being aware of your feelings at all times.

     

    Feeling your feelings in time.

     

    We somehow feel that by spending time, we are sharing ourselves and many times we are just sharing time.

    Doesn’t that remind you of school, taking up space and time?

     

    Life is so much more than taking up space and time in another’s life.

     

    Yet we some how feel it is okay to waste time, but what you are really doing is wasting your life.

     

    Your life has value minute by minute. 

     

    We add its value, with feeling and action; we add the content to time.

     

    You are what you do in time.

     

  • My Hope.

    “ Without art, the crudeness of reality would make the world unbearable.”

      ~George Bernard Shaw

     

    I was reminded yesterday of my gift of quilted Ladies, and how they have slowly transpired into fun, expressive, alive, delightful works of Art. 

     

    How My Lady tentatively showed her shadow and silhouette, a tease of what was to come.

     

    She seems to beckon me forward, daring me to discover a much wider world.  And if she can dare, so can I!

     

    Emerging lady

     

    When life overwhelms me, when the future seems a jumbled mess, when I find myself lost in my reality, it is then I feel the greatest urge to quilt.

     

    I know who I am when I quilt, I feel connected and balanced as I toss about fabric, new colors and play with different poses, I am confident once again, in me.

     

    My lady has been an Artful companion that I lean upon as I wobble along.

     

    She brings comfort, courage, and a daring spirit when my own fails; she has opened up new doorways and has planted seeds for a brighter tomorrow. 

     

    I see my future self artfully displayed in a variety of poses, I see my spirit dancing with life, I see potential once again.

     

    Without my lady I would not have come this far, she has kept the Spirit of creativity within.  Between us a new energy flows. 

     

    Our latest adventure is a Juried Quilt show, “Art Quilts of the UP.”  Three lady quilts are off on a new experience, how exciting to be along for the ride.

     

    Thank you My Lady for gently leading me back to myself, for mirroring to me my wellness and my hope.

     

     

     IMG_3312 

    Thank you Lady, we will be okay.
     

     

     

     

     

  • Freedom in Healing.

    Yesterday I felt the sorrow of not going back, of being forever outside, being stuck in a new life upon which there is no return.

     

    That my inner truths and feelings will not change, and I don’t have the magic to make it happen, they sit there rock solid unmoving, unshakeable.

     

    I felt like I was riding shotgun to these feelings, like I am riding along behind them and have to act accordingly.

     

    Even if my inner wishes and desires are to go against them, I am weak where they are strong.

     

    These truths are not of my making, I didn’t dream them up to make my life difficult, to stay away from weddings, and forgo all family activities.

     

    The makings of these truths came in ways not many care to know or acknowledge; they forget that I am not the maker of these truths, but the carrier of them.

     

    It is like I am carrying a disease that I didn’t invent, but yet seen as the magician and the creator. 

     

    That I am the one who started this whole thing and now that I have had my ‘fun’ with it, just get rid of it and be ‘normal’ again.

     

    It still catches me unaware that they still think it is me that is the real trouble, that if only I would just stop sprouting this garbage than a normal family I would have.

     

    Then once again I could rejoin them in celebrations instead of wanting to be in exile.

     

    That I am the one who wants to stay away, NOT that there is actually something to stay away from.

     

    That I am enjoying this new role, this new life, the knower of my unchangeable truths, that I prefer to live estranged, that I decided this is a new me choice for me.

     

    If only that were true, that one day I simply decided that my old life didn’t work anymore and I set out to find a new me.

     

    What they fail to appreciate is the fact that I was unaware and blind to the abuse in our home, that I built a life upon a false foundation. 

     

    When the foundation crumbled, so did I, I had a break down of me.

     

    In the million pieces of me that lay shattered, I had to find a way to make a new me.

     

    The last five years isn’t an experiment or fad, it isn’t a temper tantrum or something I can set aside for a wedding, it is the way I healed.

     

    I healed inside by setting up boundaries.

    I healed by acknowledging my abuse, my abuser, and those who support abuse by not standing against it.

     

    I healed myself putting myself in exile.

     

    And exiled from this family I will stay, it is the choice of being healed or abused.

     

    I felt the sadness of this exile, the aloneness, the being seen as different and difficult, and it is.

     

    Yet I no more can go back into abuse than I can let go of the freedom in healing.

     

    "I must be willing to give up what I am in order to become what I will be."
      ~ Einstein

     

April 2026
M T W T F S S
 12345
6789101112
13141516171819
20212223242526
27282930  

Learn more

I M Perfect, and it is impossible not to be.

Twenty Twenty-Five

email@example.com
+1 555 349 1806