Tag: affect

• Ladder of High Self-Esteem

  While I intuitively knew that my actions would have an affect on my children that they would respond to however I moved that we were joined together as one unit and that if I always thought of them when I moved, we would remain connected.

  I also believe that this holds true for husband and wife, that when you start operating as a sole proprietor you will soon be single.

  My boss made a decision based upon her own needs and in doing so left us without a leader or feeling part of the team, it put us on her same agenda…being selfish, operating on our own.

  This carried a strong resemblance to my mother’s behavior when I was a child.

  I also felt like I was the problem for expecting a different action that my standards were too high…

  As she openly admitted to her own selfish needs, she also seemed disappointed that my sense of respect for her was lowered.

  And I felt almost guilty for not overlooking her decision to overlook the poor conduct of one of her employees.

  Funny how sometimes life returns to explain itself by displaying behavior of the past and how I find myself back in the same role of being the one with a selfish leader.

  And isn’t that an oxymoron?

  Not only having a selfish leader, but my failure to be okay with it.

  When the head of any outfit loses sight of the group, we are immediately disbanded until another leader is formed.

  It is amazing that the leader has the power to undo the team.

  I can see where I tried to take over and ban together the family as a young girl, yet with out any power or decision-making rights, it was impossible to do.

  At the end of the day, I am left with my own standards and without a leader to lead me, which leaves me once again to lead myself.

  I am grateful that I was able to witness this in her to better see my childhood, to see where it was that the team fell apart.

  My sister had said of us, “we were left alone in our minds without adult supervision.”

  Children raising children.

  I can even see the weakened run down state that preys upon the easy choice, and how decision-by-decision self worth evaporates, each time making it harder and harder to climb back up the ladder of high self-esteem.

  January 3, 2011

  affect, decisions, high standards, lowering, ripple, self-esteem, selfish

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• Thy Will Be Done

  A thought came to me last night as I lay down to rest, “Being a Victim is easy….”

   

  Being a victim requires NOTHING from you, you get to just sit and wait for the world to change.

   

  Victims always have someone to blame you are never held accountable, you are blame free, a loving kind individual and the world is beating you up.

   

  Someone is always coming in and wrecking your world so you lose your kind demeanor.

   

  It is by far easier to point a finger at the cause of why you act the way you act, than it is to change your actions.

   

  “If someone can steal your peace, You are the Loser”…says, Bikram.

   

  I just never felt to the depth of my soul, that being a victim was the easy way out that it required less than actually making a change.

   

  It seems that it is more painful to be a victim, but now I am wondering if that is true?  Maybe it is actually harder to change, to walk out of the old patterns, and do something different.

   

  Make a new response; require more from your self and less from the world, to bring back to you the ownership of all your behaviors.

   

  Instead of people out there pushing your buttons, keep your fingers on your own buttons; turn the buttons inward, so when you explode, it was you who did it, not some outside source.

   

  Changing from victim to empower is wearing your emotional clothes inside out, so all the buttons are on the inside, where there is no one to blame but yourself, each and every time you speak or act out, you are the only one hurting yourself.

   

  Is it possible to be Masochistic to self?

   

  It is a cycle of self-abuse.

   

  How is it easier to remain in that role, than it is to stop the pain?

   

  It just doesn’t seem right that it is easier to be hurt over and over, to have your hopes and dreams dashed again and again?

   

  How is it so much easier to be so out of control of your self?

   

  And yet, most of the victims I know are working so hard to control the world and yet are unable to see that they are the ones out of control in their own world.

   

  There is a slight but profound difference between being in control in a world that’s in control, or being out of control by and out of control world.

   

  The mirror affect yet again.

   

  If you are a victim, the world is out to get you.

   

  When you are not, the world is out to give you all that you could ever dream and more.

   

  It is literally impossible to be kind in a mad world, the laws of the Universe works beautifully always, "Thy will be done".

   

  October 4, 2010

  affect, attracts, behaviors, Bikram, breaking, life, like, mirror, patterns, power, victim

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• Shamelessly Me

  “Yoga Makes you you” is what Bikram says near the end of the 90 minutes of yoga, and until today I had always envisioned a new me.

   

  Today I realized that I get to be me minus the shame.

   

  Shame was my inner state of being.

   

  Shame colored the lenses with which I seen myself in the world, or felt myself in the world, I didn’t leave home shameless; I was filled to the brim with feelings of shame, in shame of being me.

   

  In shame of being me, yet I didn’t fully know the cause or when the seed was planted, it seemed I came this way.

   

  Now, I know better, the seed was planted by my father and fertilized by my mother in her reaction to me.

   

  It wasn’t until I read the book “Hannah’s Gift”  by Maria Housden that it affirmed my belief, that depending upon the way my mother handled the facts it would directly affect me.

   

  The tragedy of abuse, of incest, of being raped by your father, is it is bad enough his treatment of you, but then to have a mother do nothing compounds the shame.

   

  Her lack of doing anything to move away from that man locked me in my closet of shame.

   

  I lived there for 51 years.

   

  Today in yoga I finally felt free from the shame I carried about being an abused me.

   

  “Fake it ‘til you Make it” quote came to mind as I looked back upon my last 5 years, I literally forced myself to stand tall, when inside I was shrinking in shame.

   

  To walk a walk of one with no shame hasn’t been easy. To stand and believe in myself against all enemies both foreign (strangers) and domestic (family), to put myself out there all bruised and beaten claiming my rights to be me.

   

  I didn’t know if I was writing my death sentence, if I would survive, but I knew for sure if I stayed in the closet of shame I would have.

   

  I have been out of the closet for 5 ½ years and today was the first time I felt it is my right.

   

  It is my right to live shamelessly me!

  
  

   

  September 12, 2010

  abuse, actions, affect, child, father, Hannah’s Gift, Maria Housden, mother, neglect, shame, shameless

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