Tag: spoken

• Supporting only what exists.

  Yesterday I was left with the line, “believing in something that doesn’t exist,” and it showed me the other person in the lie.

  We tend to blame the liars, but fail to point out the person who is holding it up, who is believing it, and in doing so denying the truth as well.

  I can now see the liar and the lie holder and the lie.

  It takes more than one to lie.

  The lie is a cover-up to a truth that came in that will shatter the relationship.

  Usually the one bringing in the lie is the one that has damaged the relationship.

  The one holding up the lie wants the relationship more than the truth so she will willingly carry what ever needs to be carried in order to save a relationship.

  Isn’t it funny how we become lie carriers, how we carry the lie further for the sake of a relationship.

  She is the disaster team coming in and saving the day. Little does she know all she is saving is the lie.

  All her work from that day forward is to maintain the lie.

  Her main focus is to keep the lie alive, hence believing in something that doesn’t exist.

  I can see how my mother began this game and then eventually include us, how we too learned it was more important to have relationships than seeing truth in behaviors.

  We too believed in something that didn’t exist.

  What is so tragic to me is that we can live a lifetime lost in lies.

  That we will deny our feelings, what our bodies are saying, how we are feeling all to keep a lie alive.

  Six years ago I felt that my pretend to pretend button broke, that I lost the ability to go along with the lies, that something changed, I could not knowingly support lies.

  What is so odd is that when you are born into a family of pretenders, pretending is a way of life, we rarely if ever speak our truth or we have to do so on the side and in hiding.

  Speaking about them behind their backs, saying the truths secretly.

  I am not sure where social niceties begin and lying starts, but the lines get kind of fuzzy.

  I heard Oprah speak to a man on stage stating, “go ahead speak your truth it will open the door for others to do the same.”

  Isn’t it odd that we rarely see someone stand exposing their truths, but rather we live outwardly pretending a life based on lies?

  This double life is what screws with people’s heads and the cause of much disease.

  My body feels so at peace now and when it isn’t I look at what I am lying about.

  What am I pretending?

  Where am I outside of reality?

  Am I the liar or am I believing in a lie.

  Getting my life back from the pretend world hasn’t been easy, I lost a lot of pretend relationships that I loved and supported, but in doing so I began a new relationship with myself.

  Supporting only what exists.

  January 12, 2011

  believers, broken, families, hidden, liars, lies, parents, pretending, relationships, secrets, spoken, truths, unspoken

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• Boldly slips away unscathed.

  What struck me last night is that the definitions of good and evil in my childhood home were competing for the upper hand, that my father’s heaven was my mother’s hell, and visa versa.

  It truly is that one man’s heaven is another man’s hell.

  My father’s heaven depended upon my silence, and my mother’s actually too…she needed the image of his being just a loving dad, and he did too, both sides terrified of hell, if truth be told.

  I can see how easily it was to manipulate a child in our home, for the values contradicted each other, the front divided, two roads leading to hell if truth be spoken out loud and unforgiving.

  Life was much easier on my father and his pedophile ways, to have silence…it was much easier on my mother, for she didn’t have to know.

  She may have heard us tell our stories, but she didn’t have to believe. If you don’t believe the words spoken, you don’t have to act. If you don’t have to act, your life doesn’t change.

  It is by far harder to change, than it is to remain committed to the cause.

  The cause of us remaining all together.

  My father’s hell was the truth.
  And actually my mother’s hell is the truth as well.
  They lived in heaven in silence.

  But for me, the truth has set me free.
  Hell is being quiet…Heaven is speaking out loud and often.

  I can see how many a child faces the same thing, that the adults in the room lose big time, if the child speaks, that the ones holding our survival need us to play along, pretend and hold up the façade.

  As my friend said, “what will people think” if they knew what was really going on.

  We are to act like it is heaven, while dancing in hell, going with the flow, following the lead of those taking “care” of us.

  Preachers preach of the evil on the outside, while we are imbedded in the camp of evil on the inside.

  What is up and what is down, who is right and who is wrong, or is our camp of evil far reaching?

  The compound has its own boundaries that reach far and wide.

  I know that when I first discovered the evil in my childhood, I quickly seen the churche’s evil, and then even the law of the land.

  Claiming to be the fighters of evil, while many are incapable to actually combat it when they see it face to face.

  When evil knocks at their door, some bless it.
  Some reduce the charges and set it free.
  Some open up their homes allowing access to more little girls.
  Some love evil as a way to heaven.

  The list is long and powerful.

  We are dancing with the devil each time evil knocks and we treat it with goodness, kindness, fairness, compassion, etc.

  Evil dances in our faces, showing us all that it is, an unruly force, taunting our weak defenses, it boldly slips away unscathed.

  December 13, 2010

  abuse, against, childhood, churches, evil, Heaven, hell, love, pathway, preaching, religions, silence, spoken, voices

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