Tag: unknown

• My own load I can manage.

  What I experienced was the karmic wheel that was much larger than what I seen of my boss’s one day.

  This was an energy that had been repressed and bundled in fear.

  Each moment in my life where I felt the superior was neglectful; I became insubordinate and tried to correct my mother’s behavior by correcting them.

  The Universe has delivered to me various opportunities to attend to myself, but in each of the situations I instead became rebellious to the boss, not wanting to once again endure the treatment of childhood.

  More than once, I have been told I walked a fine line of being insubordinate.

  I looked up the meaning, it means to refuse to obey orders or submit to authority.

  Of course my insubordinate nature was always to protect the unprotected children, no matter if the ‘children’ were my fellow employees.

  I was stuck in the fear of being responsible for things that I wasn’t suppose to be responsible for and for making the supervisor/mother aware of their behaviors while wanting to please them by allowing them to leave for rest, yet resenting the mess they left me in.

  If you look at this without the fear of being unattended, or the fact that I will not be held responsible for things that could/would and may happen, I am just a woman whose only responsibility is to care for my one rural route.

  I can do that.

  I did do that.

  I literally kept bringing the focus back to my mail, my job and tried to ‘not care’ about what was going on in her world.

  The separation is key.

  The knowing what is my business and what is hers.
  What is my responsibility and what is hers.
  Thankfully she didn’t leave behind babies who were in need of much care, babies that I just couldn’t neglect and leave unattended.

  What I see and feel most now is that I have a much broader view and less fear of the lines between what is my responsibility and what is others.
  Picking up others responsibility has weakened my shoulders and weighed heavy in my life.

  I feel the correction and the absence of fear that I am not being a good responsible girl in their absence with a load so much larger than my capabilities.

  My own load I can manage.

  January 6, 2011

  capabilities, fear, free, insubordination, life, past, present, responsibility, unknown

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• Until You Move.

  It is my day off, and immediately two bookkeepers began fighting for my time, each with a set of rules and regulations for what should/could and would be done on my day off.

  There are plenty of choices within each room of my house, and other ideas floated by as potentials to use up my time, and each idea was met with an opposing vote.

  It stuck me to my chair in indecision and time slipped by.

  What to do and what is worthy fought back and forth, paying no mind to my feelings or desires.

  Until I began writing this out, it never occurred to me to fire the bookkeepers, to keep my day off out of their hands and out of their books.

  It matters not in the big scheme of life whether I enjoy the sunshine with a walk or see it from my lazyboy, if I quilt or nap, do yoga or read, wash clothes, bake and do dishes, none of the above will define who I am inside, they are all doings of a human kind.

  If I take away value from each task, each task remains equal to the other, and become its own separated joy, and it can’t steal from another column in a bookkeepers journal.

  Somehow in my mind if I spent an hour cleaning I was stealing from the passion journal, if I slept, I then stole from the physical side, there was always a plus and a minus to all actions.

  I never liked numbers so I am getting rid of the value system, tossing out the worthy and the unworthy, and instead will live with just doings.

  All doings are equal.

  It seems the bookkeepers main tasks were to steal my day, steal my peace, and steal my joy, by putting up an opposing side, no matter what I couldn’t win.

  The bookkeeper was a guilt keeper, a day wrecker, and a nap spoiler lurking near each task with negative remarks.

  Without the bookkeepers narrative on how my day is going I will be free to enjoy whatever it is I am doing.

  The minus and plus columns will remain empty and in their place is a doings column, simply filled with what I do.

  I don’t know what I will be doing, what my energy level will be, what inspirations will come as I move through the day, what desires will arise, but what I know for sure no one is keeping score.

  In fact the more I write about this, the more I feel that I will disband the whole accounting system that used to lie within me, where values interrupted living life in the manner to which it appeared.

  Without values you are then free to do anything and life is much freer, you live from the spot of a pinhead in the moment of now.

  Now I am blogging, who knows what I will do after that, the present is always a surprise, unopened, unplanned, unknown, until you move.

  October 18, 2010

  bookkeepers, days, journals, life, off, passions, present, tasks, unknown, unworthy, working, worthy

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• Universe Plan

  In this month’s O Magazine, “Catherine Price took off for Tokyo with no guidebook and a wacky idea: Let strangers decide every detail of her trip. Four days, 29 brief encounters, one collapsible bicycle, eight octopus balls, 600 flesh-eating fish, one goma fire ceremony, and too much fried food later, she’d discovered the joy in letting go.”

   

  I wonder how many would dare to do this, to just arrive?

   

  To arrive and not know where you are going to eat, sleep and what you are going to do.

   

  It seems that we plan and plan to orchestrate ourselves lives right out of any surprises and wall off any unusual experiences, by needing to know and thus eliminating all unknown avenues.

   

  I wonder if the only surprises we get in life are bad ones, that we don’t even allow ourselves the luxury of delightful surprises by just ambling through life unplanned and stumbling upon an experience we never even heard about, an unplanned Special.

   

  When my husband and I take a road trip, we just head in a certain direction, we have no idea where we will go, what we will do, where we will sleep, what we will eat, we just let what we see decide.

   

  We have happened upon Folk Festivals, Art Fairs, deserted beaches, old fashioned Drive In Theaters, to name a few.

   

  You are more aware, more curious and more inclined to be daring and spontaneous, when you have no map to follow and no guideline to adhere to.

   

  Arrive in each day the same way.  Sure we need to work, but what if we look for differences in our day instead of the same ole same ole? 

   

  When there are spaces, do something different in that space. 

   

  I didn’t know that today I would do yoga in the late afternoon, do lunch with my husband, it seemed my day was flipped around, and I am still fine.

   

  I am fine because I didn’t begin with a guideline.

   

  A guideline is like a string that won’t allow you to venture off the beaten trail; it is like a harness to routine, a rope to hold you back from an exciting life.

   

  I say cut the line and float!

   

  Float along in reality’s river not knowing what is coming around the bend, being comfortable in the unknown and let the Universe plan!

   

  May 14, 2010

  Catherine Price, guidelines, joy of surrender, letting go, life, O Magazine, surprises, unknown

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