I M Perfect lady

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  • Vulnerability is a strength

    It is interesting to me to have the visit with the woman of the Old Apostolic Church dovetail with the reading of the book by Brene Brown, "Daring Greatly"….the two can't be more unalike!

    What would be daring greatly within the Old Apostolic Church?

    What would this woman have to do, to be daring?  

    When you see her lack of self expression or control over her body and dress (literally dress), you can appreciate how daring she is…for she is speaking to me, a non-church member about her secrets (shame).

    She is not daring enough to wear pants or color her hair, but she is daring enough to tell me, even though she felt the fear of disconnection if others knew.  Being with me is a dare and risk to her comfortable life…of fitting in.

    When Brene Brown speaks of vulnerability, she speaks about shame.  Shame is the fear of disconnection.  We fear being vulnerable for if we speak up, we will become disconnected.

    This woman will go through great constraints to match, to be connected to the church, she has given up her rights about her body and dress and capitulates in order to be connected. 

    What is interesting and vastly intriguing and telling, is that it is NOT the secret they fear or are afraid to tell, it is the avalanche of reject to follow.

    I know this to be true.

    It is what keeps shame running strong, for we fear most being alone.

    If you tell, you will lose the tribe's approval.

    What was even more shocking than finding out my father abused me and the churches non response, was my rejection by my family.

    Their own fear of being vulnerable, of standing in the light of day with their own secrets, had them moving away from me.  

    I always wondered, "what did my do", as my son used to say….that had them pushed so far back.  I stood with my shame pooling at my feet, all the things I had wanted to hide, were now exposed….and instead of hiding, I stood tall in the midst of it all. Naked, exposed and completely vulnerable.

    And it felt just like that.  

    And oddly it didn't make me weaker, but it made me stronger.

    Like Brene says, "Vulnerability is not a weakness, it is a strength."

    What I have noticed about the women of these extreme religions is that they believe the opposite….just like everyone else, that they are not allowed to show their secrets, for they will become annihilated.

    In fact, it is their shield and armour to have grey hair and all dress alike, they hide in the sea of being connected by how they look, act and believe.  What they fear the most is standing out, alone…disconnected.

    They will bare the weight of the untold story, of keeping secret secrets, anything to not disconnect from the herd….while being totally disconnected to their self.

    While I thought it was the story or the reputation of the man they held sacred, it was actually their own fear of being shunned.

    It gets tangled in the mind the protecting of pedophiles with the fear of rejection…how you will have to trade being alone for standing up against abuse.

    Who wants to purposefully stand out, negatively.

    Shame isn't about the dirtiness of the secret, but the feelings of being alone…if you were to share.  

    What I am always surprised and then not so much…is that popularity and being liked will more often than not trump doing what is right.

    I guess intrinsically we are programmed to connect and be loved and death woud be more preferable than being shunned and rejected.

    And, even being connected to the wrong bunch of people is better than being alone.

    There is another part of shame that correlates with the churches image….Perfection.

    While I know they would greatly defend and oppose what I am going to say, it is so.

    They believe that must be perfect in order to get to heaven, so anything that mares this surface has to be kept silent.  They need to be sinless, while saying it is impossible. They need to project the perfect family while perfection is impossible.  

    I recall hollering at my kids believing perfection was possible while failing the perfect mother test.

    This mind-set and belief that they are better than, the righter church, the best narrow path to God, has them shamefully hiding any imperfection….and shame flourishes with secrets and hiding.

    So, they are sitting in a conundrum…where truth and disconnection are battling.

    The only way we can save the children is to dare greatly and be disconnected and to stand as one vulnerable exposing our secrets.  

    "We are only as sick as our secrets" is a quote I have heard…

    The church and its families are as sick as their secrets…

    Imagine the group energies that are at work to keep perfection…are literally weakening the churches foundations…the smallest members, the children.

    What I know is that when I became vulnerable and shed my secrets, my mothering softened and was filled with empathy.  The more vulnerable I became, the less perfection I demanded.

    I am way okay with imperfections…shame thrives as long as you strive for perfection.

    Perfection is a weakness and Vulnerability is a strength….

     



  • Shame

    "Vulnerability sounds like truth, and feels like courage." 

    In Brene Brown's book, "Daring Greatly: How the Courage to be Vulnerable Transforms the way we live, love and parent…" she writes about the difference between shame and guilt.

    "When we apologize for something we've done, make amends, or change a behavior that doesn't align with our values, guilt – not shame – is most often the driving force.  We feel guilty when we hold up something we've done or failed to do against our values and find they don't match.  It's an uncomfortable feeling, but one that's helpful. The psychological discomfort, something similar to cognitive dissonance, is what motivates meaningful change.  Guilt is just as powerful as shame, but its influence is positive, while shame's is destructive. In fact, in my research I found that shame corrodes the very part of us that believes we can change and do better."

    "We live in a world where most people still subscribe to the belief that shame is a good tool for keeping people in line. Not only is this wrong, but its dangerous. Shame is highly correlated with addiction, violence, aggression, depression, eating disorders, and bullying.  Researchers don't find shame correlated with positive outcomes at all – there are no data to support shame is a helpful compass for good behavior. In fact, shame is much more likely to be the cause of destructive and hurtful behaviors that it is to be the solution."

    "Again, it is human nature to want to feel worthy of love and belonging. When we experience shame, we feel disconnected and desperate for worthiness. When we're hurting, either full of shame or even just feeling the fear of shame, we are more likely to engage in self-destructive behaviors and to attack or shame others.  In the chapters on parenting, leadership and education, we'll explore how shame erodes our courage and fuels disengagement, and what we can do to cultivate cultures of worthiness, vulnerability, and shame resilience."

    "Humiliation is another word that we often confuse with shame. Donald Klein captures the difference between shame and humiliation when he writes, "People believe they deserve their shame; they do not deserve their humiliation."  If John is in a meeting with his colleagues and his boss, and his boss calls him a loser because of his inability to close a sale, John will probably experience that as either shame or humiliation."

    "If John's self-talk is "God, I am a loser. I'm a failure" that's shame.  If his self-talk is "Man, my boss is so out of control. This is ridiculous. I don't deserve this" – that's humiliation. Humiliation feels terrible and makes for miserable work or home environment and if it's ongoing, it can certainly become shame if we start to buy into the messaging. It is however, still better than shame.  Rather than internalizing the "loser" comment, John saying to himself, "This isn't about me." When we do that it's less likely that we'll shut down, act out, or fight back. We stay aligned with our values while trying to solve the problem."

    "Embarrassment is the least serious of the four emotions. It's normally fleeting and it can eventually be funny.  The hallmark of embarrassment is that when we do something embarrassing, we don't feel alone.  We know other folks have done the same thing and like a blush, it will pass rather than define us."

    "Getting familiar with the language is an important start to understanding shame. It is the part of the first element of what I call shame resilience."

    I Get It. Shame Is Bad. So What Do We Do About It?

    "The answer is shame resilience. Note that shame resisitance is not possible. As long as we care about connection, the fear of disconnection will always be a powerful force in our lives, and the pain caused by shame will always be real. But here's the good news. In all my studies, I've found that men and women with high levels of shame resilience have four things in common – I call them the elements of shame resilience. Learning to put these elements into action is what I call "Gremlin Ninja Warrior training."

    "We'll go through each of the four elements, but first I want to explain what I mean by shame resilience. I mean the ability to practice authenticity when we experience shame, to move through the experience without sacrificing our values, and to come out on the other side of the shame experience with more courage, compassion, and connection that we had going into it.  Shame resilience is about moving from shame to empathy – the real antidote to shame."

    If we can share our story with someone who responds with empathy and understanding, shame can't survive. Self-compassion is also critically important, but because shame is a social concept – it happens between people- it also heals best between people. A social wound needs a social balm, and empathy is that balm. Self-compassion is key because when we're able to be gentle with ourselves in the midst of shame, we're more likely to reach out, connect, and experience empathy."

    "To get to empathy, we have to first know what we're dealing with. Here are four elements of shame resilience – the steps don't always happen in this order, but they always ultimately lead us to empathy and healing."

    1. Recognizing Shame and Understanding Its Triggers. Shame is biology and biography. Can you physically recognize when you're in the grips of shame, feel your way through it, and figure out what messages and expectations triggered it?

    2. Practicing Critical Awareness. Can you reality-check the messages and expectations that are driving your shame? Are they realistic? Attainable? Are they what you want to be or what you think others need/want from you?

    3. Reaching Out. Are you owning and sharing your story? We can't experience empathy if we're not connecting.

    4. Speaking Shame. Are you talking about how you feel and asking for what you need when you feel shame?

    "According to Dr. Hartling, in order to deal with shame, some of us move away by withdrawing, hiding, silencing ourselves, and keeping secrets. Some of us move toward by seeking to appease and please. And some of us move against by trying to gain power over others, by being aggressive, and by using shame to fight shame. (like sending really mean e-mails). Most of us use all of these – at different times with different folks for different reasons. Yet all of these strategies move us away from connection – they are strategies for disconnecting for the pain of shame."  Brene Brown

    A book about daring greatly through our shame.

     

    "Give me the courage to show up and let myself be seen."  Brene Brown



  • Without Morals or Values

    "How can I go forward when I don't know which way I am facing."  John Lennon

    The women of the FALC and the OALC churches are women of strength.  They will endure and suffer beyond your imaginations to uphold the core values of the church…their faith.

    They are faith full women.

    They will carve their families into patterns that will fit into the church and cut off those that won't.

    They are women of strong constitution, only the constitution they uphold separates them from their Self…they are not a self, they are part of the church.

    But what happens when their children fall through the cracks, while they are tending to the needs of the church? What happens when being a faithful member and being a mother are at odds?  

    Being a mother and doing what is right for the child first is not an option or a choice as far as these women are concerned.  

    I know, for my mother was/is a strong christian woman whose faith is of the utmost importance…when the chips are down, she will always save her soul before the lives of her children.

    She will always do first what the church needs…before even considering another option. The church is her go to problem solving place…and will abide and follow its teachings, EVEN if it means "Blessing a pedophile"…and serving HIS needs before the victim.  I know this too, for she stayed married to my pedophile father for 49 years, and was 'counseled' by her preacher.

    He (preacher) knew and never sought the law, nor encouraged her to seek it as well. Nor do I recall a word mentioned about therapy for her or her children…

    Abuse was handled in the ways of the church and she was a good christian and abided its ways…turning her back on motherly instincts….she instead lived her life with the church leading the way.

    A follower of the First Apostolic Lutheran Church…

    And, I know she isn't alone. The church pews are filled with women just like her, who will first consult the church before making a choice, and in fact the only choices available are from the church, there is no other outside option.

    In looking at how this ideology affects abuse is that the child and victim is second or third in line when decision time comes along.  Faith if first, man is second….and then child.

    When the church believes in forgiving the man, the child is never seen.  For you can't deal with the abuse of the child, if you blessed the man, for you are unable to address his sins upon the child, for those sins have been blessed and released. And I am fairly certain, that no church body has ever reported abuse to the laws of the land.

    So criminal sins are not addressed. I know, that if a body died via a sin, then it would be pretty hard to just bless the sin and go on, for you have to do some thing with the dead body. But in the case of child abuse, the sins were upon a child. 

    And, a child's voice within the church and family structures is without a vote…

    What the laws of the land are expecting is for the child to come forth and tell.  To come forth and speak of a sin, that their mother blessed away, to stand against family and church for their own self…and to prosecute and speak against adults and members of the church…to shout to have a vote and a voice. 

    It isn't the strong women who need to turn in their faith in order for abuse to stop, but for the children who have never been able to make a decision about their lives, to go against church and family and make one, about abuse.

    About being sexually abused.

    To speak out about things the church doesn't speak about.

    To reveal 'dirty' things about an 'upstanding' church member. To rip their mother's faith from them, to leave the communtiy and trust in the ones who they have been taught are evil.

    How will these children find the strength to do this?  

    The laws of this land, are expecting children of abuse to come forth, and until this happens, we adults within the community and those within the churches can know and do nothing. Nothing.  The child has to be the one leading the charge.

    To charge that they were sexually abused…by a church member and they will not have the support of their mothers…just like me.  For their mothers clutch more tightly their faith than the well being of their children.

    And, the child knows this.

    It is like the whole structure is completely turned on its head…where the child is not protected but left out in the cold.  No one is there to stand up for the child.  

    I have felt that my life was just a residual affect of my mother not wanting to sin and take birth control, it wasn't that she wanted children, she didn't want to sin.  So, my life was never precious, or at least not at the same value as her faith.  And, my life experiences have proven this so.

    Waiting for the church to begin valuing its children will be a long wait.

    It will take a revolution of the children to tip this over.

    Maybe one day the FALC and OALC will have their Penn State day, where the out pouring of victims will bleed their value to its rightful place…without morals or values.

  • Breeding Evil.

    "Faith, minus mystery and uncertainty, equals extremism."  Brene Brown

    I was raised in a religion that was certain of many things and never flirted with uncertainty…

    They knew for instance what sins were and what would stop you from entering heaven, what was evil and what constituted high moral ground. I would almost say, they knew more about the bad than what was good or what was right, perhaps, what was moral.

    In being re-introduced to this type of religion, via my visit with a woman whose faith is in the Old Apostolic Lutheran Church, I feel the affects of this moral paradox when it sits juxtaposition with the laws of the land, how they are not mutually inclusive.

    In the "Faith", one has to forgive their abuser for abusing them and even ask for forgiveness, and then life goes on a normal, well, almost.  The pedophile actually gets a clean slate, and is now heaven ready, while the victim is left perhaps in a worse condition.  

    The victim is often shunned for 'exposing' sins or talking negatively about someone, and even tainting the pure image of the church and its high moral values.  And, once this sin is forgiven, IT SHOULD BE FORGOTTEN, so each time it comes back into your awareness, you are dredging up and holding grudges against someone for behaviors that were forgiven.  You are weak, IF you cannot become instantly friendly and trusting of him again.  You are holding his sins against him.  

    There are NO expectations within the church and its ministers and members to take this sin to the Law of the Land.  None.  It never leaves the private meetings between the abuser and his victims.  Nothing happens but wiping clean the slate of a man who has abused for generations…he returns back to his life and they to theirs.

    I would call this behavior extreme in its lack of reaction.

    I had to look up extremism…

    "One who advocates or resorts to measures beyond the norm."

     "A tendency or disposition to go to extremes or an instance of going to extremes, especially in political matters."

    This collective accomplicity is astounding.

    How is it that a group of people who base their lives upon living outside of evil perform such evil acts?

    I know, some will call me an extremist, but come on people.  They have a known pedophile and many victims and NO ONE ever suggests or demands, the pedophile be brougt to trial.  It is like the laws of the land are secondary to the laws of the church, and adult members of this sect, conspire to agree.

    I mean really…a man who has for decades and decades been free to abuse, is blessed and set free once again, when you have proof in the room of his sexual desires  are for little girls…and you call yourselves people with high moral values and shelter yourselves from the evils of the world….REALLY?

    Evils of the world like TV, make-up, birth control, music, etc, while entertaining and keeping quiet the activities of a man who abuses little girls.

    When your preachers knowingly witness the account of abuse and do nothing, they are willingly aiding and abetting a known pedophile and endangering the lives of innocent children and standing in contempt of the law.

    And, you members look up to and respect these men.

    Really?

    How in the world can you all say you are of high morals and values when the lives of innocent children mean nothing. When you willingly and knowingly return a pedophile to roam among the children again?

    Is this extremism?  Is your behavior beyond the line of norm? What makes the church extreme to me IS the lack of moral code to eradicate abusers in your midst…where instead you all join a tight circle of silence.

    In fact, the woman I spoke to had a bit of remorse or second thoughts of giving me his name. The man is dead, and she is still protecting his 'good' reputation.  My head swirls with the lack of normal reactions.

    Why these men and women are not running over each other to report evil is beyond my comprehension?  Why when they 'protect' their children from all manner of sin, do they let the mother of all evil flourish, is way beyond the realm of understanding or logic.

    I even told this woman, that I could more easily understand my father doing what he did, than I could understand the reactions of the church people.  

    It is the sheer contradiction of what they profess in comparison to how they act that leaves you breathless.

    How is it that these 'good' people act so extremely unflinching when they hear about abuse within their families and church communities?  How is it that they are quick to shun you if you don't believe like they do, but not shun someone who hurts little girls/boys?

    What stops them from demanding of their preachers to kick these guys off the boards and out of the pulpits, and to drag their sorry butts to the law of the land?

    How is it that they will compliantly accept the unacceptable?

    This is completely enthralling and terrifying to say the least…where all it takes for evil to flourish is for a few good men to do nothing...says Ellie Wiesel.

    "This is a criminal disease that perpetuates itself exponentially from generation to generation"…says Tom Rosemurgy.

    We all need to be concerned, for when these extreme churches are in our communities, they are breeding evil. 

     



  • Back into Me.

    I still have leaky borders, where my responsibility leaks out into another's life and I have a hard time being present in mine. I felt burdened and weighed down and had less energy for my world…regardless I headed downstairs to quilt today.

    I used to think that I quilted when my world became too hard to handle, and I did…but I could see now that it brought me to be present and even how its therapy wasn't to express myself but to get me out of the swirling thoughts.  

    It wasn't like I was depressed, but I was darkened.  I was unable to enjoy the mundane things in life, for a fog of thoughts flowed with me, keeping me from being clear and present in my peaceful home and life….while pondering abuse rippling outward in another church.  And, what could I do, knowing the mindset was similar to mine, etc.

    Sundays are my Art days, the days where I am free to let go of life's chores and just get lost. Today, I was short fabric…I could create the center, the sky, water and shore, but I didn't have enough to complete a whole new piece….and, then I broke my darning foot that I use for free motion quilting…well it was fractured, I still managed to quilt but handicapped.  It seemed that the easy flow in my Art was choppy as much as my thoughts….like I wasn't comfortably at one with my Art…like I was barely able to hide from what was troubling me….

    My husband wanted to take a ride, and I wondered if we would talk about the abuse, or would I be able to let it go and just enjoy nature….I did.  It just was too nice a day to pour out conversation, he could do nothing about….

    Here are some shots along Lake Superior…the shoreline between Gay and Lac La Belle….
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    As you can see, pristine snow and perfect sky. The temps were just above 20…


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    Nature pulled me to itself time and time again.  Breath taking in its quiet self.
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    A jeep, a quiet peaceful man….and a Sunday ride.

    We were gone about 4 hours and I came home restored and centered.  The date, nature and art brought me back to center…in my life.


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    You could hear the waves or the water….sounds of Spring, even though it looks like mid-winter.


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    You can see Mt. Bohemia in the distance.  We ate the Bear Belly and hope to watch skiers, but the hill closed at 4pm.

    What I learned today, it is helpful to do Art when life's question overwhelm you…and to get dressed up and go out for a ride, to force yourself to leave your troubles behind.  It doesn't make you less responsible, but more.  Responsible for your own mental health, your own life…it puts you back to you…and you gain perspective and separation.

    It was good to see how easily the evil or bad of the world can seep into your life, and how it is at that time, crucial to become 'irresponsible' and leave your troubling thoughts behind and jump into this moment of time…even force yourself to do what you love to do, where you know your peace, love and joy is found.  Go there…and be filled.


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    I found, there wasn't anyone in my present day, asking me for help. 

    There is a flow to helping…

    My role may just be to listen…and to share my experience, but it is also to live my life well.  If, I am to be a conduit to exposing abuse, it will happen.  My role will unveil itself with ease.  

    I let go…albeit reluctantly…and forced myself back into me!



  • Overlooked abuse.

    I know there is a collective notion that I am bashing churches, that I have it out for my old church and others that believe in similar fashion, that I am hell bent on trashing these kind loving souls…that I am purposefully trying to wreck their reputations of being pious, humble and Godly…that my soul intent is to completely tear down their church faith and simple belief.

    I am not.

    I would easily grant them complete freedom to believe what they want, to pray to a God of their beliefs, and worship to their hearts content…but their practices and indoctrination stops reporting of child abuse.

    It stops them from seeking outside help for sins committed.

    It stops them from exposing…rather preaches hiding.  Once a sin has been forgiven it is not right to dredge it up….and you have no right to meddle in another's conscience; it is a sin to look and comment or spread another's sins.

    The whole belief structure disables victims and the preachers they look to for guidance are ignorant of their liability in the face of knowing about a child in danger and NOT reporting.

    Their ignorance of believing that a pedophile 'sins' and it is forgiven and forgotten…and somehow returned to just a dad, a member, a board member etc….how it is not right to 'judge' him, that is God's place.  

    There are no treatments to cure this within the walls of that church.

    There are no therapies offered to the victims. There is no shunning of the pedophile, but rather life returns to normal.  Where he is once again set free to 'sin no more'. 

    However, they (members) know that we are weak and sinful and are not surprised to learn he can't abstain.

    Some feel I am being particularly petty and relentless when it comes to these religions, but if they could see an overview of the cycles of abuse and how the rules/laws and beliefs of the church work in the favor of the pedophile, they would see I am not being relentless enough. 

    While they hold on dearly to their 'precious' faith, they are blindly being players in the abusive game, but not ending it.

    By not taking themselves out of the church community and seeking outside help and assistance to remove this man from their midst.

    I know the teachings and the sentiments of these communities and how unwittingly they serve abusers.  I know the make-up of victims and how they were taught since they were children to mind their elders.  To forgive and forget.  To not speak unkindly about others etc.

    Children are taught at a young age to please the elders and to fit in to a pattern reflective of the church.  They have given up the rights to their own bodies by allowing someone (church elders) to tell them what to wear, what not to wear, what to watch or not watch, what to read or not read, what to do with their hair or not do, they have been whittled into good submissive subjects that make easy victims.

    Children who are obedient are easy to abuse.

    Women are taught that the Man is the head of the household, she often is far from the center of balance, but just a step above the children. She has no voice within the family on matters of great concern, and she is unable and unwilling and unknowing how to step out of line and speak of things that are usually too shameful or too frightening to talk about….to close friends, let alone strangers on the outside.

    Not only strangers, but unbelievers, sinners…the ones who she has been taught not to trust and has the fear of devil in them.

    This is the conundrum I speak of.

    The very good faithful are unwittingly being led to the slaughter of their own souls.

    They will have to toss away their precious faith and eternity in Heaven to end abuse.

    They will always choose their faith.

    Meanwhile, the abuse flourishes unheeded.

    Is there a way to expose abuse within the churches and save their precious faith?

    Is there a way for children to be obedient and save themselves?

    Is there a way a mother can be submissive and assertive?

    Is it possible for the preachers to preach the power of forgiveness of sins and report the abusers and maintain their beliefs?

    I can't know this.

    It appears to me, that it is impossible to have both.

    And, like I have said, their faith is the most precious thing to them. They will unwittingly allow their children to suffer abuse in order for them to gain heaven.

    Unless and until they are willing to lay down their eternity in heaven, abuse will run freely within their hallowed walls of their church community…

    How sacred is a place with pedophiles running free?

    When they focus on their own faith, they are blind to the sins that fill their homes.

    The self absorption of their souls eventually getting to heaven is the greatest hurdle we on the outside have to overcome.  They again are fearing Hell for eternity and are willingly allowing another child to suffer abuse.

    When I spoke to my mother, my last time. Do you know, I was not allowed to address her religion. This was one of the places she was unwilling to go.  It was not an area open to discussion. Yet, this religion was one who held endless amounts of adults who knew and did nothing. This religion's minister knew and did not speak to the law. This religion groomed me to be obedient and fear God….

    The very thing I was not allowed to tear down was the same thing that overlooked abuse.


  • Loving Spirit of a Child.

    The conundrum of abuse is that the pedophile can't stop and the victim can't speak…neither can nor will change its pattern.  

    Fear holds one at bay while addiction grasps the other, around and around they go, spewing forth their toxic behavior, maddeningly stuck repeating and handing down their insidious ways.

    Who is more to blame, the one who is abusing unchecked or the many who know and say nothing to the law?  Who is more responsible for the endless victims that one man, in a life span of 80 years, has been allowed to roam freely within his family, church and society?

    I know he is the one who is doing the abuse, BUT what of the many who know and do nothing?  What of the preachers who are more worried about carrying out the laws of the church, are they not enabling him to continue?  Isn't their ignorance a huge factor in him being able to abuse, unchecked?

    How is it that so many whisper his name and keep it quiet, while the latest victim falls into his grasp?  

    When we will start acting in accordance to what will save the next victim?

    At times it feels like there is a strong vortex of swirling co-conspirators leading this sexual abuse….with the silence being part of the problem as much as the perpetrator!  The only innocent I see are the children…with no one willing/able or daring to make waves, to cause 'trouble', while trouble enters into the lives of small defenseless children.

    There are times I feel I will be swallowed up with the deafening sound of silence, when there should be voices raised and cries heard forever. 

    My head hurts trying to figure out a way to break the muted voices…

    The only cries are the newest victim…silently in a world where no adult dares to enter.

    And yet I know that for some victims they have no memories. But, if you know, if you remember, if you have heard stories from victims, the silence needs to be broken. 

    Without victims coming forth and speaking out, the cycle of abuse will go on.

    Give the names to Tom Rosemurgy…give our children a chance to be innocent, to live lives without the horrible affects of abuse. Give them examples of standing out loud…of speaking the truth…even if you are afraid.  Isn't it better for the adults to be afraid, than to have children living in fear of their next act of abuse?

    It is only by breaking the silence does innocence have a chance…save the wild joy and love of life of a child…save their self esteem and self love.  

    I wonder, if it as hard to break the silence as it is for the abuser to stop abusing?

    What is harder?

    Is it really that hard to speak?  Call Tom Rosemurgy, even if your legs are shaking, even if you are spit less in fear. Call and save the loving spirit of a child….


  • A place I used to call Home.

    I had the opportunity to visit a woman who could easily be me…and I recalled Tom Rosemurgy's question about what anyone outside of my religion could have said or done to make me awaken or to realize how blind I was…how brainwashed.  I too wonder what it would take to make this women see life without the curtain of her religion.

    I wondered IF there was anything I could have said to release her grip of fear about anything not sanctioned by her church.

    It was so vastly interesting to hear her speak and how her language was defined by the churches beliefs and even more shocking to see the hide and seek between awareness and blindness.

    How she would willingly show me her life, but then her awkward response to it…all heavy with the ropes of her faith.

    The paradox between what would literally make a difference and what her faith dictates is so completely insane and yet she justifies it through the eyes of her church.

    I am not certain I can even paint the picture of this but it showed me, me. 

    How it literally is to know, but not know.

    To fully believe in the power of forgiveness of sins, how reality comes in second each and every time, how self is held its prisoner under their free will. The subtle switching between fully being in reality and then quickly hiding behind the curtains of forgiveness of sins.

    She showed me her abuser, and then showed me how the church addressed him and his deeds and how the victims were made to not only bless him, but ask him to bless them.  He and his actions were brought into the light from the shadows of secret silences of many, and then it was not to be spoke of.

    It is this insidious now you see it and now you don't distortion of reality that slowly drives you insane, where your grip on reality is very weak…and your strength is with what is not even possible.

    This is the first victim I have spoken to from the Old Apostolic Lutheran Church…and I left feeling overwhelmed by the information.  Not only the sheer numbers affected, but the way the church handles the pedophiles in their mix, and even more heavy the way good law abiding church members go along.

    Without outside intervention this cloistered sexual abuse nest continues to infect themselves, generation by generation…held captive by the churches staunch belief that you can stop, eradicate or end behaviors that are immune to the forgiveness of sins.

    While I can fully appreciate that this woman did her best, she failed remarkably…in exposing this man to the law of the land…instead they deal only with God's law…believing that they must forgive him and his actions…or they will go to Hell.

    They fear hell while living in it.

    It showed me the lack of progress within the church, the lack of safety for the children who live within the families of their members, inasmuch as I feel for those from the church I exited…

    But, I can totally understand how the brainwashed are doing the best they can with the brains they live with.

    You truly can't expect them to be clear minded.

    Coming from whence she came, her past sexual abuse and her indoctrination into this religion, you simply can't expect anything more.

    And that is the most frightening….they are inbreeding more and more blindness and more and more abuse.

    Its cycle is unbroken due to lack of outside intervention.

    Abuse thrives due to the blindness…the blindness continues due to the abuse.

    I left asking myself what will it take to show them how insane their behavior is…when it is all they have ever known.

    And to fear hell while living in hell, is actuall to fear Heaven while in Hell.

    I mean how much more hellish can life get where you are within a community that does nothing to the men who have a long reign of abuse, where there are generations of children they have access to, and all you can do is bless them, that is your only option.

    You are not allowed to venture to the police or go for help.

    And, you are afraid of Hell???

    That seems like a foreign land to me, thankfully so.  It seems like a completely insane Faith and a extremely hard lifestyle to live.

    What will shatter their blindness, what will it take to arouse them out of their deep sleep, if little children being raped and fondled….is not enough. 

    Honest, it blows my mind.  THEY know….but then cover it up….keep it within the confines of the church. Their preachers believe that they will go to jail if they don't deal with it….via the forgiveness of sins, of making it right. Little do they know, they all should be in jail for knowing and not bringing the man to the law.

    And, to get the Hell Fearing folks to step out of their religion to help with this…well it seems completely impossible. For they fear hell awaits outside of their faith.

    What is this Faith I want to scream. Faith in What?  Faith in believing you can flip reality? That you can make a pedophile not be one, by using words?  

    I caught of glimpse of the insane landscape of brainwashed religion….a place I used to call home.

  • Whole

    "Life batters us whether we are rich or poor, public or private. The wound we suffer may be an open cut or a slow, silent hemorrhage of the soul."Sarah Ban Breathnach

    I love the "silent hemorrhage of the soul"…it is how we all die while alive, where the essence of who we are slowly fades, by all the little choices we make that don't reflect our true feelings; each false action we part-take in, is letting of the soul.

    It isn't that we sell our whole self all at once, but fragments of who we are slowly drain each time we keep silent our true feelings; we sell our souls lie by lie.

    Usually, to spare the feelings of others.  We don't want to make them feel bad, but are way okay destroying our own inner peace…and by silencing our soul's truth, we talk and act in discord of how we feel.

    "I did not lose myself all at once. I rubbed out my face over the years washing away my pain, the same way carvings on stone are worn down by water."  Amy Tan

    In the past few days, I have been in the presence of women from various walks of life and was struck by the jostling of inner voices and outer voices…

    How snatches of soul speaking, mingling with old patterns jostle to be heard and expressed. I can sense confusion or the pulling and tugging of the tug-o-war between wanting to fit in and wanting to be free; and its cost.

    There is a cost to the soul to follow and a greater cost to leave…and lead.

    There is wanting to fit in and the need to stand out.

    To be accepted for who you are while being different.

    Ladies who are wanting to define themselves, while at the same time repeating patterns long set in place…due to not wanting to disappoint or step out of bounds of what is acceptable.

    Living a life without a pattern is scary and free.

    It is to be unchained, but undefined…to be in a spacious place of no rules, but without the comfort of numbers of like minded souls.  

    It seems there are some differents that are unique and valued, while others are rejected and cast out.  

    Why is that?  What makes it acceptable different and rejectable different?

    Each segment of the population has its unwritten rules that will accept or reject others, depending upon their life choices…

    Categories are usually classified of how many things you have in common, not in the things you are opposed to.

    We continually pair off into likeness.

    How will we stand out if we gravitate to the sameness?

    How will stretch and grow if we continually stay safe in the environments and patterns of our parents?

    I was pleased with myself to be myself with ladies whose patterns were so different than mine.  And I loved seeing and hearing their self expressions.

    Our Self comes when we can be at peace with who we are, when we stop the bleeding of our souls to fit in, but rather bring our full self to all encounters, unabashedly…to stop dressing ourselves in order to fit in.

    There is such peace in me to arrive as me…to not try to match who they are or to quiet my truth in their presence…instead feel completely at ease as me.

    Not only at ease but happy, content, satisfied…whole.


     

  • The Fabric of My Being!

    Chapter 11 in "Hungry" by Robin Smith

    Living with the Hole

    "The naked truth is always better than the best-dressed lie." Ann Landers

    "Thousands of people connected with my term "hole in the soul." I think that's because deep down many of us know that there is also a hole in our souls. We make up our country as its citizens, so if there is a hole in the soul of the country then we must check out the individuals who comprise this body we call America. The same is true of parents and their children.  Parents want their children "fixed" and whole. But those same parents are often unwilling to look at their own brokenness and the holes that their children inherited from them."

    "Having a hole in your soul is nothing to feel ashamed about. It is something to attend to. The holes in our souls highlight the key elements that are missing in us, and become a trusted guide to find the root of what is broken and injured in ourselves. Holes don't just go away of their own accord.  Some remain empty, while others get filled with imitation fillers or inferior substances – which always cause bigger problems later. But they may just as easily be filled with life-giving materials. These life giving materials are the nourishment we need and crave."

    "We nourish ourselves by establishing and maintaining healthy, substantive relationships with self and others; by having boundaries that foster respect and allow authentic "yeses" and "nos" when necessary; and by practicing good self-care as we nourish and nurture ourselves.  Yet too often we go hungry."

    "When families choose to mask their pain and suffer in silence, they are filling the hole with a temporary, inadequate substance.  They're busy applying spackle to a crater, hoping people on the outside won't notice their suffering. They're terrified that others – even perfect strangers – will see the truth of their sleepless nights, loveless marriages, addicted family members, angry parents, despised siblings, and internal conflict. They'd rather fill these holes in, cover them up, than let anyone know they are human, hungry and imperfect."  Dr. Robin Smith

    At times I had to wonder if my pointing out all the holes in my family of origins fabric was helpful or exploitive, if there was a way to heal and not reveal?

    The truth of my family is literally the hole in the soul of our family…which leads to holes in the souls of the individuals who all have started from there.  

    My soul's intention was to give my children a fabric that wasn't filled with holes and gaps and me pretending with artificial fillers and remain in the family for the ease….instead I hope to pass on my fabric. 

    My fabric in how I live my life.  

    There are no holes I try and cover up.

    There are no rips that I want to pretend are not there.

    I live out in the open in all things…often to their discomfort.  

    My history and life's past may not be filled with wonderful loving memories, but it is my fabric of truth…

    My fabric of truth has many dark tones and I am now doing my best to add life giving colors…

    I believe we can't truly be ourselves until we reveal our selves to our self. I know who I am and where I came from and how it affected my life.  I am now unwilling to settle for relationships that are not substantive and healthy.

    I will not willingly make holes in my soul…for your comfort and ease.

    I am too aware now of what rips holes in my soul and I will not willingly participate in in the shredding of me.

    I can live with the holes of my past and respectfully honor how they came to be…how I came to be.  

    And, I believe I now have the opportunity to weave a new cloth in what I pass on to the generations below me. At the very least, I will not be one to make the holes in their souls…by being dishonest…and covering up my legacy…or showing them an inauthentic way of being.

    Each choice we make and all we do, knits together the legacy we leave behind…

    I see mine as a very rich tapestry with swirling darkness and graceful brights…the years of blind unknowing, clashing with the mind blowing awareness and infused with my inner truths of who I am…the Fabric of My Being!


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