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Accepting who you are seems like kindergarten play, and yet, it is my belief, that people are complete ill at ease with who they are, where they have been, and what experiences they have experienced, and are trying desperately to be something that is impossible to be.

Isn't the autoimmune diseases, when the body fights itself? I looked it up, "An illness that occurs when the body tissues are attacked by its own immune system."

When we are unable to wholly accept who we are, we are at war with our self…fighting not to be in the life we have lived.

Maybe it is due to the feelings of shame we have for leaving our self behind in so many decisions.  To spend our choices based on how they will affect others and not how they will feel to our self.

I wish there was a word for this non-acceptance of self, this annihilation of our own life's journey.

I wonder too, if we consulted our self first, before making choices, would we then be able to live with our self more comfortably?

I also know, that one of the first affects of abuse is the wanting to leave your abused self behind, to hide it and never look. Perhaps this becomes a way of life…to not see/feel or be with your self.  Maybe to make others comfortable we had to leave our abused selves behind.

I know, for my self, that when I fully accepted my abuse, I was able to accept me completely and I found such great love and affection, admiration and gratitude for all parts of me. 

The part of my mind that shielded me from abuse, by failing to acknowledge it with memories.  The part that worked so diligently to right wrongs that were not mine to right.  The confused volatile, screaming mother, trying to love her children…without the proper model. Even the terrified adult woman who didn't know who she was…I accept them all.  I understand and feel deeply for all aspects of abuse and its long term and lingering affects…and the woman who lived through it.

To not accept her during her various stages of development, would be to not understand or appreciate her growth as well as her trials along the way.

Dr. Robin wrote about repentance….being a U-turn.

"To repent is to turn and go in another direction." 

I feel that my last 8 years have been going in a completely different direction than my first 46.  I did a U-Turn and began living with full acceptance of me.  

The way the FALC viewed repentance, was only to forgive an action that happened, but they never required you to change direction. 

Repentance in the FALC, is repetiveness…to keep falling and sinning and getting it forgiven time and time again. 

How can you accept a self that fails over and over again?

How can you trust a self that is so unreliable?

The difference I believe is that their belief is that you can wipe away actions….and that alone leaves you with no incentive to change. But, what if your actions leave an indelible print upon your life? What then?  What if you had to carry with you all that you say and do?  How would you live knowing there is no life eraser?

I thought for 46 years that the church held this magical eraser only to find out it was all in my mind, but that in reality, my actions were written as my life.

I had to accept all my sins as part of me….and the only repentance was to make a U-turn and live a life knowing each choice is a part of me.  I will make them either in denial or in awareness, but either way, they are me.

Acceptance of self is a wild and terrifying ride into reality…as your self, without a mask or eraser to make changes.  It is living naked fully exposed…actions and experiences all in the open for all to see.

Here is another part from Dr. Robin Smith's book, "Hungry"

"Last year I gave a keynote speech at a fundraiser for victims of domestic violence. As I stood at the podium and looked out into the crowd of beautifully dressed, well-to-do women, I imagined the tenor of my remarks would surprise them.  They expected me to speak about others, not them; about victims, not their peers.  But instead I told them, "This is an admirable cause, and I know you care very much about the women you are here to support.  But I want to take a few moments to speak about the hidden abuse that is in this room.  I know for a fact that in every gathering of women, no matter how successful or well-off they are, there's a form of self-abuse going on that is very prevalent. That self-abuse involves denying that you have needs. Denying that you have longings. Denying that you want something more than what you have right now.  The expensive clothing in the customized closet in the super-sized, gated house; the pool and very impressive cars and well-manicured grounds -all of that medicates your hunger, but it doesn't fill it. Our souls aren't for sale, even if we are. You may live the perfect picture, but it may be that you're afraid to acknowledge what you're really feeling beneath the facade.  You may have great abundance, but are left feeling empty."

"I told them that I had watched for a while as they came into the room and greeted each other. I observed their greetings: Their shining, flawless smiles, their air kisses.  In fairness to them, I acknowledged my own privilege, which allowed me to drive to this event in one of those fancy-type cars, accompanied by my best friend who met me there in hers. I owned that I looked exactly like them in my Prada dress, Blahnik shoes, and crystal diamond drop earrings. "Now, I'm sure not everyone in this room has had a fantastic year, " I said, knowing this was most definitely true, "How many people came into this room today and when through a dialogue similar to this:

How are you?

Great.

How are the kids?

Fanastic.

Everything good?

Yes. Never better.

"Instead of this standard dialogue, did any of you respond, 'Well, it's been a tough year…the kids are struggling with their new school…Bill's company has been laying people off, and we're scared about what this all means…also, we started couples therapy six months ago, so let's just say the jury is still out."

"As I spoke I could see them shifting around in their seats, sitting up in surprise, thinking, Okay what do I do with this? Do I keep my plastic smile right now as she is saying it? Do I try to relax and breathe into this: What do I do in this moment, where the truth has shown up unexpectedly? And can I sit with these unsettled feelings, or do I need to make sure that my inner Botox stays intact so that no one can see? Oh God, I hope I don't look as nervous as I feel."

Finally, I said, "You know, there's a lot of financial wealth in this room.  Your wills are probably intact, and they lay out who's going to get what. But what are you willing to your children regarding the issues of their hunger and their failures? How have you taught them to react when their lives don't turn out the way they'd hoped? Can you bequeath them something now – leave them a legacy – that will release them from the shame, especially the shame of hunger? To not feel ashamed of their humanity? Because that's so much of what we're afraid of. That the more somebody sees our humanity, the more in danger we feel. What would it mean for you to will your children an image of you as a mother who is open to them being full? Open to their holes and wholeness and your own holes and wholeness?"

"As I finished, a great silence came over the room. I saw perfectly put-together women wiping away tears and bowing their heads, obviously moved. When I left the stage, one of the organizers touched my arm. I turned and saw tears spilling dow her cheeks. She apologized for her emotion, saying "I'm sorry. I wasn't expecting that."

"I smiled at her warmly. "Don't apologize. This moment is worthy of our tears." And my own eyes misted, mirroring the truth that we were all sisters in the same struggle – the struggle to be kind to ourselves as we bump up against our fragile and resilient humanity."

"I went to the ladies room and when I was standing at the sink a woman came up to me, hesitantly. She thanked me for my remarks, but I could tell she had more to say. I waited her out. Finally, she said, in a barely audible voice, almost a whisper, "Thank you for acknowledging that there could be someone in this room who is a victim of domestic violence, too, because I am that woman, and I know there are others like me here today. It's a painful and shameful secret we are all dying and trying to keep. And you know, we have lots of money and a house here, one in the Hamptons, and a flat in Europe. Last summer, I was beaten so badly at our European beachfront oasis that I had to take my children to spend the night in a hotel room for our safety."

"I was immediately sympathetic to her, but as I began to speak she waved a hand stopping me. "What I really wanted to comment on was what you said about a will and legacy we would leave our children," she said in a trembling voice. "We have a 26-year marriage with lots of money and lots of assets. But when you talked about what I'm giving my children, what I'm going to be passing on to them other than all this physical abuse and violence and this Kodak moment that was never real, I realized that I desperately want to leave them something healthy and real now before I'm dead or killed. I want to leave them something that will tell them that their hunger isn't bad. That my hunger was not bad. That I tried to keep our family together. That I'm not a horrible person or a weak person because I desired and tried to keep our family together."

"Before I could respond, she slipped out the door and was gone. I would never know the rest of her story, but perhaps I had opened up a small sliver of light that would grow larger and brighter. Like many of the women in the room that night, she was starving but ashamed of her hunger – as if she didn't deserve a meal and a life. As if she could live without sustenance, safety and love. Reflecting on it later, I realized that she might not take that bite for her own sake, but might do it for her children. It was a start. We all have to begin honoring our hunger somewhere." Dr. Robin

There are so many pages in this book earmarked and I am not even half way through.  What I love the most, is this book is about just being yourself and how we are all starving to be our truth…and that the world seems to be set up to keep us from being comfortably ourselves…

I wonder if women are especially vulnerable to starving our real self by denying our feelings our desires and our passions, by silencing our voices and making choices to make others happy…while dying to be our self?

What I also like about her questioning what are we WILLING to our children?

I know that we are much more aware of what things, we will leave behind, but not what parts will our children carry forward of our lives.

I feel extremely grateful for having the opportunity to leave behind a much more fuller legacy now, compared to what I would have left them 8 years ago. The years before I began living my truth.

When Dr. Robin acknowledged that the woman in the bathroom, that was a very wealthy victim of domestic violence…how perhaps she would 'do it for her children, if not for herself'. 

I know, that I began standing in my truth, not for me…but for my kids.  I was extremely uncomfortable looking at my truth, but I made choices based on their needs, not mine…yet in the end, I lived a legacy worth leaving behind.

It wasn't a road that was easily navigated and at times one I wanted to get off of, but what I will now leave them with has much more substenance compared to the life I lived for the first 46, starving to be me…while not even knowing what I was hungry for.

I am full of me…I am a whole me.  There is nothing I am hungry for.

I feel that the choices I am making are all in alignment with my soul.

Which is my ultimate dream for all my children; to be completely and openly themselves. To live their lives from the inside out. To speak their wishes and desires and make choices, EVEN if it is not popular.  

I want them to have the strength and courage to stand up for themselves…to be authentically and 100% who they were born to be.

Panache Desai called it living your soul's signature.

I am reading Dr. Robin Smith's new book, "Hungry – The Truth about being Full."

"Fiction: If you reveal your real self, you'll be rejected."

"Truth: If you're encouraged to be someone other than your real self, that is rejection."

Experience can be a cruel teacher if the lesson you learn from childhood is that the real you is unacceptable.  It usually begins in small ways: "Don't say that." "Don't eat that." "Don't wear that." "Don't want that." "You did what?" "Fix your face." The messages can even feel benevolent.  Parents say, "I'm doing this for your own good." But the visceral feelings is shame – shame that you're not good enough."

"Shame is at the heart of hiding and denying hunger – a deep fear that you are so fundamentally unlovable that no one will want you if they knew the real you. A man I know died of suicide after he lost his money in the stock market – an extreme example.  I can think of nothing sadder than a person who believes their very essence is unacceptable and unworthy of living unless they are always successful and "on top."

"Living behind a mask may make things comfortable in the short term, but do you really want friends, lovers, and even collegues to like and appreciate you for the mask?  Or do you hunger to be accepted for your real self, warts and all?  The arid life behind the mask chokes off breath and free will.  A woman I know tells the story of her grandfather, who was raised in a religious Roman Catholic family.  But, for most of his adult life snuck into Quacker Meetings.  In his heart, he defined himself as a Quacker – all the while pretending to be a Catholic to keep peace in the family.  Only after his death was the truth revealed.  His freedom to be himself happened in death.  My heart went out to him when I heard his story.  I imagined his closed world, his unacceptable secret, and how lonely it must have been for him to keep his true nature locked away.  His story represents the fear we all have to be ourselves.  Sneaking to Quacker Meetings for worship was a brave step…at least he was trying to honor his hunger pains."

"I often hear people proclaiming, "I want to be loved for the real me."  In reality, however, they worry that the price of authenticity will be too high. The truth is, there is no higher price than the one paid for living a life that is a lie."  Dr. Robin

So far, and I am only a few pages in, I love this book…it is about "Dying to be Me!"