I M Perfect lady

Blog

  • Perfectly Me

    I heard someone say that unexpressed feelings from childhood are time travelers; they continue to follow us along, until they can be released.

     

    I don’t really know where they are all stored, or when or how they appear, but when they appear it is like a fog that fills my insides overtaking my nowadays reality, and bringing in a volume of emotions and feelings that have little or nothing to do with what is happening today.

     

    Fog of yesterday’s unexpressed emotions arise, float in, filling you up on the inside, catapulting you back to when these emotions were supposed to be felt, but you were unable to safely do that, like an apparition you feel these ghost like feelings appear in your life.

     

    You feel yourself as yourself a long time ago.

     

    It was shocking to me to know that I was a good girl.  It was the key that will release now many other feelings that have been locked down.

     

    I would have thought the feelings under lock and key were ones of negative connotations, but instead behind the locked door is my self-esteem in its rightness.

     

    The fog hid from my view my goodness, my efforts of trying really hard and succeeding as far as a little girl is concerned.  My trying harder and harder to be a better little girl, always, was because the fog blocked from my view, my goodness.

     

    I still haven’t caught my breath on that, my insides feel strange, instead of having this thirst and desire to always please to become better, I am sitting with nothing to do, nothing to prove.

     

    There is no argument inside of me.

     

    When I said that I am doing the yoga now to feel better, I would not have guessed that fogs would arise, that I would be flung backwards into my childhood feelings, that even dreams would participate to help me feel that which I have never felt before.

     

    And in feeling those long ago feelings, a correction is made; I am one with the reality even way back there now. 

     

    I also felt in yoga today that I had said that I wasn’t a little girl and I wasn’t a mom, and that is right.  I was a little girl being a mom.

     

    My childhood was a little girl being a mom.

     

    I used to be so disconnected from the little girl, and couldn’t see me as a mother, but to see the combination; that I am a little girl being a mom, sounds perfect.

     

    I AM a perfect little girl, acting like a mom.

     

    I am a perfect little girl, is what I didn’t know.

     

    Imperfect childhood, imperfect little girl, but it is perfectly me.

     

  • Shoes Custom Made For Me.

    This morning I awoke from another dream, a dream where I left two young children alone, sleeping, and I was at a lake enjoying the water, the air, the sunshine, and when I realized what I had done, I began going back to help them.

     

    In the dream, it takes a really really long time and the whole while I am worried about what trouble they have gotten into, if they are safe, could I be lucky enough to get there in time, and how did I forget and how could I be so irresponsible, who will know, will I be in trouble, berating myself for not doing better, and in sheer panic will they be lost.

     

    Now, just like the ‘Affair’ dreams, these child dreams pop up often a couple of times a week.

     

    Different scenario, but same theme; children and me being irresponsible leaving them in a precarious state or children out of control and me being responsible, either way I am losing.

     

    I wondered why I was dreaming so much about young children, little kids that couldn’t take care of themselves, needy children, really needy children and their parents would be off to the side oblivious.  Or I would find myself babysitting way too many kids and not know how that happened, the dream just starts with me in charge of way too many little kids, so many I can’t keep track.

     

    The feelings of these dreams are what strike me; how they depict feelings I had when I was such a young girl, feelings of being in control but irresponsible or responsible and not in control.

     

    No matter which way you look at it, it was never right.

     

    Saying it was never right, is right.  I was too young to be expected to be responsible for the things I was left being responsible for.

     

    It is the feelings that are trying to be expressed.  In my dreams I am expressing my lacks, my efforts up against the odds that were stacked high against me, the moments of being free, to only realize I was left in charge and I left, which plummets me into panic.

     

    My mother used to say I was a second mother, which maybe I was, but what I really was was a little girl who couldn’t be a mother.

     

    I was too little to be doing what I was asked to do, for I was still a little girl, one who had to put aside little girl dreams, little girl play, little girl life, and try flopping around in mother shoes.

     

    The mother shoes were too big, held too much responsibility and no matter how hard I tried, I never was able to pull it off.  I failed at being a mother, and while trying so hard to mother, my little girl life slipped away.

     

    This is the catch 22 that I have lived. Not a mother and not a child, sitting in the nowhere land between.

     

    Expressing myself in my dreams, recognizing the awful place I stood upon in my childhood, I don’t believe at the time, while resentful sure, I still didn’t fully comprehend the states I was left in, the age of myself and the ages of the children around me, and the absence of the mother.

     

    In the years I should have been a carefree child, I was burdened with a heavy load, add to that load the horrendous incest from my father, it is no wonder I didn’t skip along in patent leather shoes.

    My childhood shoes and the feelings attached to them are the strings that are being undone.

     

    I feel like now I can take off those floppy ill-fitting mother shoes, and find a pair that suits me.

     

    The little girl shoes will no longer fit, the time has passed for those, you really can’t go back.

     

    It is time for me to find my own pair of shoes, ones that are perfect for me, ones that will fit my age, my soul and my journey, shoes custom made for me!

     

     

  • My Life

    Inside of my body lay ‘guilty cells’ that sprung up from leaving the responsibility of another’s life behind.

     

    I had feelings of guilt while doing things that one should not feel guilty for, such as creating Art Quilts or enjoying the peace and serenity of my home, our land, the river, the sunshine, the trees, the birds, peace and joy.

     

    To submerge myself deeply into my own life, seemed to alert these guilty cells and they seeped into the moment, raining feelings of guilt upon an otherwise Sunshine filled day.

     

    Caught neglecting my responsibilities again, like a thief caught in the night or a being found out I was having an affair.

     

    As I write that, I have been having dreams of having an affair or cheating.  Interesting.

     

    I woke this morning fresh from another dream of being friendly with another man, knowing how it would look if my husband were to happen along.

     

    Dreams of cheating seemed odd to me, but now make sense.

     

    In order to feel like I am cheating, there has to be someone I feel I am letting down or turning away from.

     

    If I can feel guilty about cheating on someone that means I have not completely severed the ties.

     

    A divorce proceeding needs to happen.

     

    I recall writing to someone that there isn’t a divorce that can literally take place, where you can divorce your family.  And without a divorce you get left feeling connected but detached.

     

    I wonder what kind of ceremony I could do or paper I could write up that would end my responsibility to that family.

     

    It reminds me of the notices they put in the paper that states, “I am no longer responsible for debts, bills, etc that so and so incurs.”

     

    Maybe I can just state it here, that I am no longer responsible for actions made by my father, my mother, my brothers, sisters, their friends, their children, or all children of the Universe. What they do or don’t do is no reflection on me and I am not the one to fix, take care of, or am responsible for any one of them.

     

    I divorce you all. 

     

    A thought just came about an annulment, so I had to go look up the meaning.

     

    A judgment by a court that retroactively invalidates a marriage to the date of its formation.

     

    In this case I am thinking an annulment would be better, it invalidates the relationship retroactively.

     

    I had a bond, ties that held me responsible for you forever. 

     

    The annulment sets me free all the way back, to the point of joining as well as today and tomorrow.

     

    I am free.

    Free to be with the sunshine, my art, my life!

    IMG_1199

     

  • It Best Not Be Me!

    I am irresponsible with my Light, with my self, with my body, with all the giggles, delight and pleasures, inspiration, free spirit feelings, art, my peace, my joy and my love, I leave them to suffer with others!

     

    I am irresponsible in not wholly feeling, owning, and enjoying with abandon, me.

     

    “Enjoying with abandon” strikes me as an odd choice of words that came out.

     

    I literally do feel that I abandon ‘someone’ if I simply and totally enjoy myself!  That it is wrong to focus on just me.  Just me

     

    Living my life separate and free. 

     

    How is it that I feel so much like I am abandoning others when I do this?

     

    The feeling of doing wrong while doing right has plagued me since I left my dysfunctional family.  It is the thread that has run through every thing.

     

    The abandoning I am doing is actually a good thing; I am separating myself, my life from themselves and their lives. 

    No one tells you that as you walk out of co-dependent behavior YOU will feel like you are abandoning him or her. 

     

    Abandoning, I had to go look up the definition.

     

    1.    leave somebody behind: to leave somebody or something behind for others to look after, especially somebody or something meant to be a personal responsibility

    2.    leave place because of danger: to leave a place or vehicle, especially for reasons of safety and without intending to return soon

    3.    renounce something: to renounce or reject something previously done or used

    Synonyms: dump, ditch, discard, dispose of, throw out, throw away

     

    The only reason I can feel like I am abandoning others is that I feel responsible for others.

     

    You simply can’t abandon something you are not responsible for!

     

    Yet each time I am sucked into feeling responsible for another’s feelings, I am abandoning my own feelings.

     

    If I have to abandon someone, it best not be me!

     

    “If I pick you up, I put me down!”

        Carl and Beth

     

  • This Path of Life.

    “What do you want the book to do for you?” was a question I had asked of someone.

     

    It struck me as an odd question, but I needed to know what the person was seeking.

     

    What are you looking for the book to do for you, what problem will it solve, what part of you will it make better, can it correct a wrong and make you a better person, will it be a map to follow, a way out? 

     

    How much of our well being are we hoping to find in these books?

     

    I am not talking about books for pleasure, we use for escaping reality, but rather the ‘self help’ books, the books claiming to change your life.

     

    Maybe it helps you see yourself from another’s point of view; like seeing your truth written by someone else.

     

    Our body feels the truth as we read it, somewhere a bell rings, the truth of our experience is echoed by someone else, perhaps it is this that we are searching for, to find a like minded spirit, someone who is walking our same path but is much further ahead.

     

    This same concept can pertain to yoga as well, that it helps us all to hear the stories of others, to feel the camaraderie of fellow yogis as we traverse this path of Bikram Yoga.  It is always nice to see and hear of others doing more yoga or better yoga or overcame this obstacle or that and still was able to continue on.

     

    Storytelling is a way to weave the common thread among all people.  We are much more alike than different.

     

    Mostly we are on the same path, just in different places! 

     

    I am here and you are there, I have walked differently my beat was for me; listen to the sound of your life, what it wants from you now.

     

    Express  yourself uniquely on this path of life.

     

  • Feeling Good in Me!

     

    When I fell over the line into a place of feeling good about myself, I then realized I hadn’t ever felt that before, alone.

     

    It was as if I was feeling something about myself I had never felt, just between me and me.

     

    Usually the ‘feeling’ good was a false sense, for it needed somebody or something besides me to help me get there.

     

    This time it was just me.

     

    Co-dependent good feelings are really hard to maintain and harder to believe to the depth of your being, perhaps because you know that half of the feeling good feeling is in the car, the shirt, the body size, the husband, the house, the friend; an outside source, holds half.

     

    So maybe it is fair to say I half way felt good.

     

    And there is a slight but huge difference between feeling good about a body, or feeling a pain free body, and the feeling of feeling good.

     

    I know this may sound confusing, but if you look at how I began yoga to make the pain in my body go away, and by doing that, other side affects happened.

     

    My body began not only to feel different, (no pain) it also felt stronger, leaner, and was now changing shape in a good way, and there was no outside source!  I was doing this!

     

    I was working myself, with myself, for myself, by myself, and in the end I found myself being pleased with myself, feeling good about myself, by myself.

     

    I lived for so long feeling good with another, but lost half or more when the other went away, when the task was complete, when the car turned old, when the style faded, as the body lost its shape, I had to always have my eyes searching for the next supply of ‘feeling good’ feelings!

     

    Maintaining a feeling of feeling good seemed hopeless, for it always faded away like the sun falling into the horizon at night, leaving you wanting it to return, until it arose shining upon you again pouring good feelings inside.

     

    Like a spoiled needy child, I was forever seeking ways for others to feed me my feel good feelings, and my appetite was bottomless.

     

    It seems like I was born hungry for feelings of feeling good; I can’t seem to remember a Me that was full of feeling good.

     

    With tears rolling down my cheeks as Bikram sang his song, I knew I wasn’t hungry no more; I was full of feeling good in Me.

     

     

     343

  • From Feeling Bad To Feeling Good!

     

     

    I awoke shortly after 6am and in no mood for yoga, the sun was just lightening the horizon, I couldn’t find a reason to begin.

     

    In a place between doing it and not, I think I would have felt perfectly fine just sitting and waiting for the sun to shine in my face, starring mindlessly without having to expend one ounce of energy, suspended in a land where yoga never lived.

     

    After letting my yoga buddies know that I would be taking their energy, down the stairs I went.

     

    I wondered how this would work, me empty but willing to try.

     

    Bikram didn’t know my feelings at all, he began with his full energy and didn’t spare me a bit, and I followed along, perhaps better than ever, just about doing every pose until he said, ‘change’ or ‘enough’.  Incredible!  I didn’t have the energy to protest.

     

    In the Eagle, a thought came in, that without pain what would keep me doing this, what is the purpose for me doing this, if not to alleviate pain?

     

    “Feeling good” landed in my body, to feel good?  Wow. 

     

    It felt odd to acknowledge that I was doing something for me that felt good for me, that I felt good carrying around the rest of the day, and it was also sad, that I haven’t done things simply to feel good.

     

    I am almost positive that I have never done something where the agenda was for ME to Feel Good, only ME! 

     

    Somehow before Eagle I was wondering what it would take to maintain this daily grind, what kind of energy I would need to keep up this regiment.

     

    This regiment is to keep feeling good!

    Isn’t that insane?

     

    I call it a regiment, a hardship, a struggle, when what I am doing each morning is setting the tone, I am working to keep a set point of feeling good!

     

    How in world is this so twisted upside down and backwards, that I am feeling a struggle to maintain a feeling good feeling?

     

    And let me tell you all, I am feeling good, I am feeling a body that has muscles, that is stronger and looks better, clothes fit better, I walk straighter, head held high, and with good energy! 

     

    I have stated, that there is no ill side affects to this yoga.

     

    And here is the deal, yoga makes you feel better, gives you a new body, a new mind and a new life, according to Bikram and I!

     

    Yoga is the counterbalance to feeling bad, it will spring you ahead, not drag you back, even if it feels like you are going against the magnetic pull to begin, that all forces are against you starting, it is then that it is most critical in order to continue to feel good.

     

    My maintenance routine or ‘regiment’ is to keep back the bad feelings, the dragging body, and no energy weighing down my life.

     

    Inside I feel good about my inside and outside body!

    I made it over the line, from feeling bad to feeling good!

     

     

     

     

     

     

     

    IMG_4881

     

  • I Am A LIttle Closer.

    “Most people become extremely nervous or tense when they are trying to accomplish something that means a great deal to them.  Anxious, nervous actions do not draw that power of God, but continuous, calm, powerful use of the will shakes the forces of creation and brings a response from the Infinite. The germ of success in whatever you want to accomplish is in your will power.  Will that has been badly battered by difficulties becomes temporarily paralyzed.  The resolute man/woman who says, '"My body may be broken, but my head of will power remains unbowed,” demonstrates the greatest expression of will.

     

    Whoever would develop will power must have good company. If your desire is to become a great mathematician, and your customary associates all dislike mathematics, you will certainly be discouraged. But when you mix with accomplished mathematicians, your will is reinforced; you think, "If others can do it, I can do it."

                    Paramahansa Yogananda

     

    Our remote yoga teacher sent this to us, stating how she felt that it pertained to our email group, how we can watch each other succeed, and know we can too.

     

    I know that in the past I nestled myself into groups of ‘I can’t’ and they accepted less of me and in fact being less was required; your overall energy was, “I CAN’T”!

     

    As you travel towards the new camp of “I Can” you are walking away from old familiar buddies, and forging new ones, learning a new language of I Can.

     

    I have felt unsure of myself in this new mode of I can, I hadn’t yet built my inner will power and so I was leaning on the group’s energies like a cane when I felt weak, when “I can’t wanted to stumble from my lips. 

     

    As a group we do believe that the other can! 

     

    Our actions and our words are literally cheering them, giving them our can energy when theirs is lacking. 

     

    It is like a relay race, where we hand the stick of will power over when we become tired of carrying the “I Can” and they take it over.

     

    A rag tag bunch who have come from the “I Can’t Camp” and are determined not to fall back in to the lazy waters that surround it.

     

    I feel the empowering waters, the resolute determination and will power growing in the two little words, I CAN as I make my way into Camp I Can.  Not quite at home yet, but every day I can, I am a little closer.

    IMG_2517

     

  • Challenge called Daily Yoga.

    I went to the basement today with Carl and Karen’s words of praise and correction front and center, eager to reach the postures to either stand in pride or settle into the pose differently.

     

    The Balancing Stick does make a difference if you look ahead and down, instead of down, and to stretch with your arms and torso forward.

     

    When I came to cobra, I tried hard to do what Carl told me this morning is a reverse push-up. Keeping in mind the compression of the lower back, that that is what our goal is, I even tried to feel the nerves after the release, that Karen talked about.

     

    It way helps to have eyes in our studio, especially eyes of experience yogis.  It is amazing, just show them a picture and they can see where I needed help.

     

    Bikram says in his book, “Look up at the ceiling, raise your head, and, using the strength of your back, lift your torso off the floor. Arch the head and torso back as much as possible; at the same time, press the belly button into the floor.  The belly button and everything below it stays in contact with the floor.”

     

    It is exciting to bring new hints and corrections to the poses, to help you reach your ultimate goal.

     

    Speaking of ultimate goal, it came to me that I completed one goal, 60-day challenge, only to be still in a much larger challenge.

     

    The challenge to continue on, without a short term prize, without a real numbers game to be competing in, instead just doing this in the morning, as part of my day.

     

    Making it become as Carl said, “like taking a shower.”

     

    As I walked Finn outside along the frozen river, as the crystals coated the trees, it occurred to me, we are always looking for the next challenge, the next quick fix, the next thing to complete or compete in, instead of being in the midst of the river of life, we want it to freeze or finish up.

     

    What is wrong with playing in the flow of yoga, to watch your self change daily or sometimes from pose to pose. 

     

    Does there have to be an ending in sight?

    What happens if we are instead in an endless yoga challenge?

     

    An endless challenge called daily yoga.

  • Testimonial for Bikram Yoga Dallas

    Karen calls me her Remote Student, because I live hundreds of miles from a Bikram yoga studio, and without stepping into a Studio, I have completed the 60-day Bikram challenge.

     

    My remote studio is my basement.

     

    There isn’t a set class time, no teacher to monitor my comings and goings, no one making sure my room is heated, I am all things in my home studio.

     

    The hardest part is keeping my word to myself, making sure I get out of bed to stoke the fire, moving around while the rest of the family sleeps, stealing the first section of the day for Bikram and myself.

     

    I stand alone in the mirror, just my body and me; no one is there to see my humble renditions of each pose, as I struggle valiantly to hold my balance, and fail, only to try yet again.

     

    In silence my amazement rings out when I am successful and some times tears in moments of sorrow or tears of gratitude that my body still responds.  In this quiet time, I am forming a new relationship with my body, my mind and Soul.

     

    How exciting it was to feel for the first time muscles I didn’t even know existed, and to feel the steadiness grow in my balance, to witness the affects of releasing unexpressed emotions that seemed to pour out of screaming joints. 

     

    Each day there is a morsel of difference in a pose, a snippet of improvement, a bit of hope and the thrilling feeling that I am doing it.

     

    I am leading the charge.

     

    I am bringing my body to the yoga mat, and following Bikram and my body is responding in spades!

     

    The 60 days have given me a great foundation, a second chance at a relationship with my body, a way to be kinder and more aware of what it really needs to be at its optimum health.

     

    In all areas of my life these improvements follow me, for I am the common denominator in each thing I do.

     

    Being a ‘remote student’ isn’t for everyone, but it is for those of us who do not have access to a studio.

     

    When I was inspired to do the challenge, I mentioned it to a few people, and soon we had a yoga buddy email list.  It is those inspiring individuals on the list that is my source of motivation and inspiration, when my own fails.

     

    What I want you most to know is that 60-days of yoga will change your life, and there is no excuse for not doing the yoga, all you have to do is get to a mat, a teacher or a Bikram CD, and begin!

     

     

    (My brother introduced me to Bikram yoga in 2001, when my arm hung useless.  In doing three weeks of Bikram yoga, the neck and shoulder muscles unknotted and I had zero pain.  I then began an on and off again practice.  When pain arrived, I knew where to go, to Bikram yoga.  I am happy to have the time/space and energy now to devote myself to working this into my every day life. At 51, this body was showing signs of neglect.  In the 60 days of doing the challenge, all aches and pains have disappeared, I am not stopping now, I have just begun!)

     

     

     

     

     

     

     

     

     

     

     

     

March 2026
M T W T F S S
 1
2345678
9101112131415
16171819202122
23242526272829
3031  

Learn more

I M Perfect, and it is impossible not to be.

Twenty Twenty-Five

email@example.com
+1 555 349 1806