The let down feeling my sister left me with stayed with me awhile; the feeling that I was missing something important, and here is what I found.
I use to sell myself for love and peace; all my actions were for another’s feeling of love or to keep peace.
It was like I would do tricks to gain their attention.
Isn’t that what they call the deed whores do?
What I think happens to me when another doesn’t like my latest tricks, when I can’t seem to gain their approval or feel their love, is that I feel it is something I am doing. In the past my behaviors I tolerated, to get the applause I so desperately needed.
I needed to feel accepted, for there was a running river of feeling less than inside of me.
Of never feeling good enough, the masters needed me to perform to act a certain way, and then they would hand out my morsel of applause.
I endured the trick, to lap up their response.
Isn’t that interesting to know?
In the past I was like a circus animal doing tricks for applause, to now act in silence, it leaves a vacant spot where cheap applause used to be.
My sense of self, my own opinion, my self-love, self esteem, empowerment leave others hands still, the ‘atta girl’ is not spoken.
No wonder I am feeling out of sorts, like a dog doing tricks for its self, because I am.
I left the circus, I put down my costume, wiped the clown face off, and I now get to just be me.
When I perform tricks for just myself the cheering section is inside of me.
Isn’t it Gandhi who said, “You are the one you’re waiting for”?
While I was looking at their stilled hands, when I watched their mouths for certain cheers, I never once heard my self clap or shout great words of encouragement to me.
I was so concentrating on where I was going, that I didn’t stop to give myself applause for all that I have done.
I never clapped for myself that was always someone else’s job. I never performed for my self I always acted for others.
How freeing to know that role is done, that I have successfully stopped the addiction to please.
It may take time to learn cheering routines, for it to be second nature, but to all those whose job it was to cheer me on, you are now set free.
I will cheer for me.
I will only do things that will make me cheer, make me shout and clap and feel excited. I will never do things just for a cheer outside, for I will then become a performer for you.
When a sibling comes in, and wants my old performance, it takes strength to stand still to make no move, to disappoint them, to not join them in our old dance.
Like an old addiction they appear.
Yet I know that one sip, or one slip is all it may take to take me off this road.
What I want most is for them to join me here.
Free moving in a Self Loving dance.
Dance like no one is watching….but you.
I M Perfect lady 