Tag: bikram yoga

Life can Change.

I am just about to the new half way mark, and I am feeling excited about my body and its improvements.

The experience of witnessing the effort along with the change makes you believe to the depth of your being that we are the ones to swing our lives around.

While doing this active yoga, we literally breathe and put our bodies into these postures, giving it our utmost strength and attention, so daily we can see new improvements, slight changes in strength balance and in flexibility, how this yoga is changing us from the inside out.

There is a new relationship being born, one where we are an active participant with this body. If we can form new will power by slowly going in and out of the poses, if we can manifest new discipline, imagine where we can use this in our everyday life?

I am beginning to see the powerful reactive live thing this body is, and how it responds to the attention I am giving it, it can’t help but be stronger if I am working on those muscle each day.

My body and I are forming a new relationship, instead of me being lazy and expecting the body to go along and be healthy without me, I am slowly turning that boat around until I am leading the body.

In my past, my neglect showed up in my body, except I saw it as the body’s fault, not mine.

If my attention and great kindness allows this body to flourish, then so did my inactiveness allow it to crumple and be out of shape figuratively and physically; I am the common denominator in my health and in my sickness.

My awareness of this is huge, for without it I blame a body that can’t get fit without me bringing it to the mat, to the postures and beginning.

I am the keeper of the gate; I open the door and close it. For 48 days I opened the door and joined Bikram for 90 minutes.

As long as I open the gate, life can change.

February 17, 2010

100 days, bikram yoga, change, common denominator, gatekeeper., lazy relationship
Will Power and Discipline Muscles!

And then day 47 arrived…. Nothing really to report except there seems to be muscles working together and I feel stretched in places I never was stretch before.

Balancing Stick now has core muscles and even hip muscles helping, I have never been this far before in this pose.

On the floor in Cobra, I could feel the backs of my legs being stretched as I pushed them down to the floor to counterbalance the back muscles pulling my front up.

In Bikram’s Key on Cobra;

“This is one of the most difficult postures to learn and to understand. So we need two keys here. First, when you finish holding the arched position, don’t suddenly collapse back down to the floor. Lower your head, neck and upper body slowly and smoothly, using the strength of your back and spine. We never use any abrupt diving or jerking movements; that is how you injure yourself. Controlling your movements this way also builds will power and discipline.

Imagine that by just taking the time and effort to slowly undo the posture you will gain will power and discipline muscles!

February 16, 2010

bikram yoga, discipline, strength, will power
Just me.

When Oprah did the interviews with the Sexual Predators, her main intentions was to sit in a nonjudgmental space where they could tell their side.

In doing so, she was able to hear why and how, and then for those of us who were abused in the audience, we could see we were targeted, groomed, lured and sought after, and it set us free.

She also spoke of the child who had to take care of her self, and how if she looked in the window of her childhood home, she would see herself alone. This is what the predators see, NO one is there watching the child.

What is so sad about this is the child is seeking someone to take care of them, and in pops this sexual predator and gives them the attention they crave.

We want someone to take care of us, make us feel special and they do, but with the ultimate goal of abuse.

It occurred to me today in yoga, is that the little girl who was so not seen, is still seeking to be seen. Just see me.

See me.

See me hurt, see me lost, see me confused, see me broken, see me and help me, or see me helping me, fixing me, doing good for me, just see me, and acknowledge me.

I turned into this seeking device.

Forever seeking attention, seeking help, seeking love, seeking safety, seeking comfort, seeking peace, seeking, seeking, seeking, I am so tired of seeking.

To feel the uselessness of waiting this long, to once again have to be strong enough to take care of myself, leaves you breathless and weak, yet strong.

As tears flowed once again, it felt like I was once again left alone to heal, that no one on the outside could help, even if they wanted to.

It was up to me.

I had to be with me.

To be with me for me alone, not for someone else’s approval.

Just do me for me.

It was up to me once again to be with myself to not wait for the other to make me feel good, or to be proud, to heal my wounds, or myself and that I am the one I was waiting for.

I was waiting for me to be with me, to not make excuses, be too busy, to this or to that.

By doing this yoga challenge for 60 days, it is making me pay attention to me each day; I am giving me what I needed the most, me.

A me that is good enough, I am good enough alone, just me.

February 12, 2010

approval, attention, bikram yoga, neglect, sexual abuse
A Journey within a journey.

It is day 42, with 18 to go, and I am feeling okay, I wasn’t overly excited to begin, but did it anyway.

It is in the actions, or as an old friend used to say, “Just arrive.”

Arrive to the mat, just place your feet together, hands under your chin and begin the breathing process. Taking it one step at a time, and I will know when I cannot go a step further, and it is incredible that with an unwilling enthusiasm, I can still do yoga.

In the acceptance mode I still get fully involved, and expend lots of energy, sweating and breathing, until an hour and a half slip by.

The Spin Twisting Pose comes up and I know that I made it again, a journey within a journey.

February 11, 2010

60-day Challenge, arrive, begin, bikram yoga, journey
Natural part of being me.

Day 38 of yoga is done, and it feels more doable now that I have grown some new muscles, which actually make it harder for I can go deeper and stand longer, but compared to being weak and unbalanced, trying to do a pose, this is much more satisfying to do.

If you just look at the physical changes to my body, it is remarkable that 90 minutes a day for 38 days actually produced stronger muscles and better balance.

As for the inner changes, they are subtle but felt within.

The absence of the nagging lady whining about my laziness and me has disappeared. I feel better about my efforts to be present with this body.

Looking backwards I can honestly say there is not one thing that is bad about doing yoga each day. Sure the effort it takes to get up and out of bed is probably the hardest, but if you just roll out, the rest falls into place.

I wonder if this can be part of my normal life, that it become a new normal routine, like drinking coffee and a sweet treat used to be. How fruit, yogurt, cereal and tea are my new normal breakfast.

In the future will yoga be natural too, a natural part of being me.

February 7, 2010

bikram yoga, changing habits, habits, healthy, routines
Yoga Is On Your Side!

Mastering the Mind. By Bikram Choudhury in his book, “Bikram Yoga”

You will also require the will to insist on going- even when people are telling you you’re stupid to do so – and the discipline to make yourself try over and over again, to never give up no matter what the obstacles, until you reach your goal. You need both mental toughness and physical toughness. In all there are five qualities of mind that you have to instill; faith, self-control, determination, concentration and patience. Like the eight forms of yoga, they operate interdependently and simultaneously. The good news is that you’re already learning them. As you continue to improve your body in Bikram Yoga classes, you will also naturally increase all five Raja Yoga powers. And your mind will be tested and toughened under the duress that only my Torture Chamber and my unrelenting Dialogue can supply. You will become distraction proof, emotion-proof, mood-proof, attitude-proof yogi, because you have entered into cosmic consciousness. Here’s how.

First, understand that the mind is at once the most important and the most complicated subject in human life. With a foundation of mental strength, you can truly accomplish anything.

Without control of mind, you can do nothing. You have something, but you don’t know how to use it. The greatest challenge we face as human beings is controlling and properly using our own minds.

The mind is the communications system between the physical body and the Soul or Spirit; its primary responsibilities are to control the body and supply the Spirit with immediate and exact information. When the mind instead gives distracted and wrong information, the Spirit cannot govern properly – in fact, it cannot assume control at all. The ego-driven mind has had to rule for itself, and now it does not want to give up its ultimate authority over your life. This is a bitter, perverse fact about human beings, but it is the truth.

Without proper training, the mind will continue to give you the wrong information and divert your focus from your Spiritual goals. The way it does that so successfully is with fear and desire – its primary weapons. Like a drug dealer, the mind gets addicted to these two opposite but conjoined emotions, and when we are constantly reacting to our attractions and aversions to people, things and situations, we can’t see what really is and reopen the channels of our true Self, the Spirit. That’s why I say that the mind has become our worst enemy.

To overcome this will not be easy. The weak mind is ever growing, constantly feeding on your fears and negative habits. And as my Guru taught me, the natural human attraction to something negative is NINE TIMES more powerful than our gravitational pull to toward the positive– another inconvenient fact.

In the philosophy of yoga, we say there are five big negative behaviors, or Don’ts, which collectively are call Yama (in Sanskrit). They are: harming or injuring others; stealing; lying; possessiveness or greed; and neglecting or rejecting the Divine. The five Do’s, or Niyama, are keeping the body and mind pure; self discipline; training the senses; studying the Divine; and surrendering to it. Now think of our own life: Why are you so often drawn to the Yama, things you know are bad for you? Why is it so hard to resist them, to get off your fat, lazy butt and go to yoga class? The power of negative attraction. Negative attitudes and emotions are like black holes in space, so powerful that they swallow everything that passes in front of their mouths, so even light cannot escape.

Resisting them demands much mental strength and supreme control. By regularly practicing Hatha Yoga and developing your faith, self-control, determination, concentration, and patience, you can break those powerful distractions…..” Bikram Choudhury

If you take nothing else from this section, know that each time you are about to change an old negative habit you are going against something 9 times stronger than the positive change you are making.

I know this is true, coming from where I have walked; it literally felt like I was going up against an army of negative voices, to one solitary positive force.

But little by little you find your faith in your Self and your Spirit is walking with you cheering on each time you wrestle another choice from the mind. It is once again the two choices, mind or you.

Yoga is on your side.

January 17, 2010

60-day Challenge, Bikram Choudhury, bikram yoga, mind and negative pull, quilted yoga art
You Decide (day 15)

I can see the beginning stages of my yoga lady’s final design, how it is being sculpted each day little by little. New glimpses are being revealed, a straighter arm, chin closer to shoulder, leg higher, forehead touching, knee straighter, balanced longer, daily another section of my yoga lady is being refined. And I am the sculptor, the designer!

It is like being in the middle of an active Art piece.

What effort I put in today, what strength I bring forth, what concentration I give, will all add its weight in building me into a healthy strong yoga girl.

I could see how paying attention to this one minute or second in each pose is all that matters. My yoga lady will grow a little in each pose.

You can’t skip the beginning steps, anymore than a builder can leave the foundation and begin on the roof.

It is exciting to actually be right in the middle of being the designer and being the design. It is awesome.

And only I can stop the design, leave before we get to see what doing yoga each day can do for a body that is 51 years old and overweight.

Imagine I sculpt myself, or I can lie back down and let my yoga lady design never materialize.

As I faced the mirror today, I truly felt the presence of the designer and the design, and knew that it was up to me to keep this process going, I had to arrive in the studio each day, breathe deeply and then give it my all in each effort, bending and twisting, pulling and stretching, like I am a piece of clay that has sat out too long, it needs to be kneaded into a pliable living breathing sculpture.

I see two choices, just two small decisions to be made each day.

A lump of clay or a sculpture, you decide….

January 15, 2010

bikram yoga, yoga Art
Peace is our birthright.

There is a dueling going on, two sides meeting each other in conflict.

I feel my brother’s great resistance to stepping into a new arena, one that should strengthen his speaking abilities and make him more comfortable with himself.

I am not suggesting, (and in fact this wasn’t my idea in the first place but his to join Toastmasters,) that he join a group that will take away his self esteem, to tear down and rip apart who he is, but you would think so.

It is not a group that weakens your sense of self, but instead empowers your abilities to think on your feet.

Now here is what is even a more odd, he already can speak well on his feet, he gives speeches in his work to small groups of 20 or so, and he is a salesman doing an awesome job.

So, I am surprised as he is, that Toastmasters brought up this fear.

I read their intent, and it is to make you a better communicator and leader.

My brother already leads his own branch office, and he as I said can communicate well, so perhaps this isn’t what he needs.

His work is his area of expertise, and perhaps what they are asking is for you to be your self, an area that is right now under construction for him.

He can no longer define himself from a past that has just been revealed as trauma filled, and he isn’t fully whole, so he is in the land between, where he is still discovering who he is.

I bet if he went in there as a half built man he would blow them away with his insights.

It is not up to me to strong-arm him into going, I am just so puzzled as to his resistance.

When we talked last he said that he would prefer to go back to some of his unsavory past places than to attempt entering into this environment.

To me this is a trigger talking that wants to stay the same.

How often is it that abused women go back to the man who harms her, she feels safer with a fear she knows, than with a new fear.

I am wondering if this is the same with him!

He may be at another cross roads a fork in the road where he has to again decide which road to take.

We have to let go of who we are to become who we want to be….I believe Einstein said.

It is harder to let go than it is to grab on.

Letting go of an old fear definition is like parting with a limb.

It is who we are.

I suggested to him to walk backwards into places he ‘used to feel comfortable in’ and explore what was really going on there.

What he did and what was done to him.

When I really had to look closely at what my parents did to me, and then what I allowed to be done to me, I was able to see where I had it all wrong.

So maybe Toastmasters is not where he will find his answers, instead if he goes back to the places that are not good, but he felt good at, he can see what is upside down.

This is not an easy task to readjust your readings on fear, or to readjust your readings on love.

For what we love we should fear and what we fear we should love.

Toastmasters is only half of the problem, the other half, the opposite is where he may find the key.

He lost himself back there, he sold himself back there, he allowed others to victimize him self back there, maybe the answer is to see yourself being less then who you are.

I was mortified and horrified in my lack of caring for me, the ways that I never saw me in the picture. I am wondering if he would see the same.

See your self without your self.

How often are we silent for the other?

How often do we do this or that for the other?

To see your self whoring your self for others pleasure is an awful thing to see. I have said that I was a whore for love and peace, and I still stand by that today.

I allowed myself to be less for the peace and love from others.

No more.

May he find the place that steals him, may he find the leak in his life where he loses his sense of self, where his power drips away.

It is just one more hole in a damaged psyche that is seeking repairs. The fear is a signal that something has power over you.

As Bikram says, “If anyone can steal your peace, you are the loser.”

Peace is our birthright.

October 30, 2009

bikram yoga