Tag: out of control

• Out of Control.

  The different responses to the death of a monster intrigue me and set me to wonder who in my life I needed to die?

  Whose death would bring me joy or freedom?

  Is there someone out there holding on to a part of me that is held hostage by their actions?

  No one came to mind.

  Most may think I will send up a resounding cheer upon the death of my father. But his death will be anticlimactic, for I have found my freedom and joy long before his passing.

  He is not holding on to any part of me, I am free and I don’t need him to die. I do not wait for his death.

  I heard on the radio yesterday that there are times when we have to amputate a relationship, to cut it out of our lives in order to live a whole life.

  The relationship suffered a death, I didn’t need him to die, I just needed to kill the relationship.

  I have stopped cold many relationships that impinged upon my own inner peace and wellness. I didn’t need the person to die; I just needed my relationships with them to.

  When we give them the power until death, we gain nothing.

  It is in the speaking up and taking back your life that you will find the power.

  I strongly believe that monsters need to be locked up, be made to stop hurting and killing others, but what I don’t understand is the sense of freedom and joy that rang out.

  The cheers have the markings of a monster themselves, a gleeful energy upon the death of another seems so barbaric and without reverence for the soul that was lost behind the sea of dysfunction and abuse.

  Isn’t there a saying about how we treat the least among us?

  Perhaps I have met and danced with my own inner monster and I have such compassion for the lady who stole my life and lived it out in the only way she knew coming from whence she came.

  I didn’t even cheer when she died, but I cheered when I became free from the madness inside of me.

  I cheer for inner victory.

  I cheer for being able to do this by only killing the monster inside of me, for wrestling with my shadow and winning.

  It is becoming stronger than the monster that peace will be won.

  To me we all have an inner monster to dance with and when you can succeed at winning that one, we will all live in peace and harmony.

  The seeds of a monster live within all of us and you don’t know what will make your monster come alive until you are fully engaged and out of control.

  May 4, 2011

  control, monsters, out of control, power, relationships, self, whole

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• Shoes Custom Made For Me.

  This morning I awoke from another dream, a dream where I left two young children alone, sleeping, and I was at a lake enjoying the water, the air, the sunshine, and when I realized what I had done, I began going back to help them.

   

  In the dream, it takes a really really long time and the whole while I am worried about what trouble they have gotten into, if they are safe, could I be lucky enough to get there in time, and how did I forget and how could I be so irresponsible, who will know, will I be in trouble, berating myself for not doing better, and in sheer panic will they be lost.

   

  Now, just like the ‘Affair’ dreams, these child dreams pop up often a couple of times a week.

   

  Different scenario, but same theme; children and me being irresponsible leaving them in a precarious state or children out of control and me being responsible, either way I am losing.

   

  I wondered why I was dreaming so much about young children, little kids that couldn’t take care of themselves, needy children, really needy children and their parents would be off to the side oblivious.  Or I would find myself babysitting way too many kids and not know how that happened, the dream just starts with me in charge of way too many little kids, so many I can’t keep track.

   

  The feelings of these dreams are what strike me; how they depict feelings I had when I was such a young girl, feelings of being in control but irresponsible or responsible and not in control.

   

  No matter which way you look at it, it was never right.

   

  Saying it was never right, is right.  I was too young to be expected to be responsible for the things I was left being responsible for.

   

  It is the feelings that are trying to be expressed.  In my dreams I am expressing my lacks, my efforts up against the odds that were stacked high against me, the moments of being free, to only realize I was left in charge and I left, which plummets me into panic.

   

  My mother used to say I was a second mother, which maybe I was, but what I really was was a little girl who couldn’t be a mother.

   

  I was too little to be doing what I was asked to do, for I was still a little girl, one who had to put aside little girl dreams, little girl play, little girl life, and try flopping around in mother shoes.

   

  The mother shoes were too big, held too much responsibility and no matter how hard I tried, I never was able to pull it off.  I failed at being a mother, and while trying so hard to mother, my little girl life slipped away.

   

  This is the catch 22 that I have lived. Not a mother and not a child, sitting in the nowhere land between.

   

  Expressing myself in my dreams, recognizing the awful place I stood upon in my childhood, I don’t believe at the time, while resentful sure, I still didn’t fully comprehend the states I was left in, the age of myself and the ages of the children around me, and the absence of the mother.

   

  In the years I should have been a carefree child, I was burdened with a heavy load, add to that load the horrendous incest from my father, it is no wonder I didn’t skip along in patent leather shoes.

  My childhood shoes and the feelings attached to them are the strings that are being undone.

   

  I feel like now I can take off those floppy ill-fitting mother shoes, and find a pair that suits me.

   

  The little girl shoes will no longer fit, the time has passed for those, you really can’t go back.

   

  It is time for me to find my own pair of shoes, ones that are perfect for me, ones that will fit my age, my soul and my journey, shoes custom made for me!

   

   

  March 12, 2010

  childhood lost, incest, irresponsible, little girl lost, out of control, responsibility

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