Tag: uncontrollable

• Out of Control Controlled Person

  While discussing the attributes of suicide, two different people suggested that the body is out of control…and neither felt it was ‘them’ that did it, but a whole other person, a self that they did not know.

   

  I am very intrigued by how they see the person who almost died as someone different than them…and yet when they are well, or back on solid ground, that depressed person does not resemble the person who now has some control.

   

  This led me to ponder that you can be out of control as a rock, who is incapable of moving…or out of control moving… incapable of stopping.

   

  And it matters not whether you are moving or not moving, what matters is the lack of control.

   

  This lack of control means something or somebody else has control over you.

   

  You have lost owning your self.

   

  This lost self and the found self are totally different.

   

  A self that is under the control of a cult like religion and who has grown up in a dysfunctional family does not have control of her self at all.

   

  We give up the rights to our own lives, choices, beliefs…we lose control of self movement.

   

  No one says that a brainwashed person is out of control…we use that term only for moving things…yet it works the same for unmoving.

   

  The staunch faithful will not make a move that goes against the teachings of the church…while being controlled by others, they themselves have no control.   

   

  They only control themselves to remain faithful to the other that is controlling them.

   

  There is no self to control; they lost contact with the self.

   

  They see themselves through the controller’s eyes.

   

  Who would ever think that a person who is completely under the control of cult etc, is out of control?  It seems like an oxymoron.

   

  A very out of control controlled person.

   

   

   

   

  July 1, 2011

  control, cult, dysfunction, FALC, no, of, out, self, suicide, thoughts, uncontrollable

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• Unravel

  In the past few months my teeth have been falling apart, broken teeth, fillings falling out and just this past Monday a root canal, all signs that my eating machine was breaking down.

  At one point I had 6 teeth with issues, both sides of my mouth and top and bottom, which created new challenges in eating, I could no longer just eat, I had to be aware of what and how.

  How interesting that I became aware of this Pac Man like eating machine only when it broke.

  And it took 7 broken teeth to get my attention and one root canal, but I am seeing it now. It slowed me down the only way it could by busting the Pac Man…the eating machine.

  When the eating machine was broken I saw my eating in slow motion.

  The frenzy pace was brought into focus…I became aware of how much I was unaware.

  How incredible is it that the Pac Man is the control center of eating instead of it being a team of mind, body and soul…this cavity of teeth and tongue is the ruler and the rest of me a victim of its poorly developed palate?

  Changing the palate to fit the fitness of my body is my latest adventure, to begin eating from the body and using the teeth instead of the teeth using me.

  I am sure in an uncontrollable environment, we control what we can, and eating uncontrollably gave us control, as well as the feeling of being satisfied in an unsatisfied world.

  What also linger at the fringes of my out of control eating are recollections of me being out alone with my father. I don’t recall anything but us eating alone. I was young, I was special I was out on a date. Yet, knowing he is a pedophile, this isn’t a nice scene…however the food was normal or more normal than what happened before or after…was I bought by a malt, was that my price? Did my life become normal again with food? It is funny how I can’t recall the abuse, but I can recall the food and can picture the restaurants and booths and even the swirling stools…

  Each part of my world is complicated with abuse.

  How I used food to normalize or control myself is the mystery I will unravel.

  April 20, 2011

  abnormal, abuse, anger, control, devouring, diets, dysfunction, feelings, food, issues, mouth, normal, rage, tearing, teeth, uncontrollable

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