I M Perfect lady

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  • Yoga makes it better.

    With a yucky belly I began yoga, like bad breath this sensation lingered during most poses, at times the pose would eclipse the feeling, only to return when I relaxed.

     

    It seemed to replace any resistance, for I was stronger, more balanced and more determined; yet my belly swirled.

     

    Times I felt a black or gray curtain coming in from the sides, like losing consciousness, but it faded back as I breathed deeply and focused.

     

    My body continued to do yoga well, even with this rain cloud present inside. 

     

    I thought for sure the floor postures would stop me, but they actually seemed to really push back the nausea, like squeezing toothpaste from a tube.

     

    My insides felt quivery when I was done. 

     

    You wonder what ‘sickness’ really is, is it our psyche body that is sick, for my muscular body seemed way good.

     

    It feels just like a nervous belly and yoga makes it better.

     

     

  • Time for me.

    “Fall down Seven times, stand up Eight!”  Japanese Proverb

     

    As I look backward over the 54 days, I can see the pattern of yoga and me; I see me doing this each day, making it my priority, and even when I felt weak, sore, tired, uninterested, I did it anyway.

     

    This reminds me of the attitude I sometimes had doing for others, when I didn’t say no.  I love how the same tenacity is working for me!

     

    Interesting that I am saying yes to me, often at times when I am feeling no; no I can’t, no I don’t want to, no I don’t feel like it, but I headed downstairs and do it anyway.

     

    Our patterns emerge behind us, as they gather in numbers we can see the overview or as they say, ‘hind-sight is 20/20’.

     

    As I look in my rearview mirror I do so with much pride, to see that I have kept my word to me, I see a 54 days of doing yoga stretched out like a magnificent winding path, complete with no spaces, no empty slots of where I stopped.

     

    Amazed that I continue on, adding to the ever-growing pathway of taking care of me.  It is so unusual for me to put me first, to take the time, to make the effort, to just do it, for me. 

     

    Me, I am taking the time for me!

     

    "You cannot believe in anything or anybody if you do not believe in yourself".     Bikram

     

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  • Back to Peace.

    “I am responsible, but not in control!” 

     

    Isn’t that an oxymoron?  How can you be responsible for something you don’t control?

     

    That is what happens when you feel responsible for another’s behavior or action or inaction even.  You feel responsible, yet unable to control them!

     

    As a little girl in my childhood home, this is exactly how I felt, that I was responsible yet not in control. 

     

    It is like being responsible to stop a waterfall half way down, knowing those who will get hurt below as the water falls from above, yet unable to stop it.

     

    The parents at the top keep dumping stuff over the falls, and it rains upon us all.  Instead of being down on the bottom, I stood mid way, trying to stop the rain!

     

    As a child and then an adult child I carried this hopeless responsibility and made it my life’s work.

     

    This job was so time consuming, it kept me from my own life, but firmly into yours racing between your behavior and the affects.

     

    Since it never really stopped the abuse and neglect, this midway kinda sorta life I lived was all for naught.

     

    The only way you can stop abuse from raining down is to stop the man at the top of the falls, or get the children out of the way.

     

    Neither happened in our family.

     

    Somehow the children in the falls believe it is their responsibility to stop the top, to work harder, be better, do better so this bad behavior wouldn’t fall down upon them.

     

    Little do they know they are not the cause, just the ones who get rained upon, the residual collateral damage.

     

    This collateral damage then sets forth in life trying to control things that are impossible to control and giving responsibility for their happiness to others.

     

    A life set in motion without control, just like a flimsy doll in the rush of Niagara Falls.

     

    It is only when you can separate this all out and put control and responsibility where it belongs do the falls turn into a millpond.

     

    A millpond, which emotions pass through, ripples arise now and again, and settle back to peace.

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  • Me.

    “Greatness is not in where we stand, but in what direction we are moving. We must sail sometimes with the wind and sometimes against it — but sail we must and not drift, nor lie at anchor.”  Oliver Wendell Holmes 

     

    I am surprising myself that I have continued to sail, although I haven’t met really strong head winds, just a few strong breezes in the past 50 days.

     

    I have 50 more to go and I don’t know what each new day brings, what winds will blow into my day, but so far I get my sailing done first thing in the morning, I make that leg of the journey perhaps before the winds begin to blow in the calm waters of the dawn.

     

    This is so not like me, I used to be the martyr and nibble on the leftovers of the day, the few crumbs of time and the bottom of energy tank, and those I chose for mine.

     

    Usually there wasn’t much there to do anything with, but sleep.  I slept to be a martyr again.

     

    As I now take from the top of the tank, I feel that I am stronger within myself and that is what I now bring to each situation that arises.

    I used to have a shame muscle that would operate if I were to focus so much on my self, to take the time off the top for me, to use my time and my energy for me.  How dare you, it would say!

     

    How dare I not.  My body is so much better, my disposition feels calmer, and my whole life feels more in control when I am in control of me in my life.

     

    It has taken me 51 years to realize the only one who can take care of me is me and if I drain my tank without first filling me up, we all suffer.

     

    My tank is full, the day has begun, I now have something to give to my day, Me!

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  • Start Running!

    I began a discussion yesterday about the benefits of yoga, of how amazed I was that I could literally see the affects, like muscle growth by doing 90 minutes each day.

     

    Immediately one lady said, “I do not have 90 minutes to spare,” to which another replied, “That is nonsense, you make the time.”

     

    We make the time; we add and remove things in our lives to make room for something we find important.

     

    "I must be willing to give up what I am in order to become what I will be."
     ~ Einstein

     

    As my yoga session was winding down, a thought came to me that I am already feeling the ‘World chasing me.”  The benefits of doing yoga, has health already chasing me!

     

    Bikram says that if you can do Cobra, Locust, Full Locust, Bow, that you don’t have to chase the world, the world will chase you. You don’t have to chase, love, love will chase you…. 

     

    I felt the tides changing direction, I felt I was no longer the one reaching, seeking, but instead the waves of life are chasing me! 

     

    I caught a glimpse of the affects coming towards me, my efforts being echoed and returning to me, in waves of gratitude and excitement I see muscles, feel muscles and strength! 

     

    My efforts work, my taking 90 minutes each day gives me back my health. 

     

    I am not certain I am expressing this correctly. But before I was sitting in a spot ‘hoping’ my health would improve or at least not worsen.  Now I am leading my health, I am out front doing pose after pose, day after day, building and adding layer upon layer of health.

     

    And guess what, health is growing and it is coming right behind me.  I feel it lining up behind me; I love that feeling of how selflessly It follows behind me.  Like I am the master and it is the servant. 

     

    For 51 years I waited for health to come to me, never knowing that it was waiting for me to begin.

     

    Failure to start will stop health from chasing you, you begin the race, you have to start running!

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  • Life can Change.

    I am just about to the new half way mark, and I am feeling excited about my body and its improvements.

     

    The experience of witnessing the effort along with the change makes you believe to the depth of your being that we are the ones to swing our lives around.

     

    While doing this active yoga, we literally breathe and put our bodies into these postures, giving it our utmost strength and attention, so daily we can see new improvements, slight changes in strength balance and in flexibility, how this yoga is changing us from the inside out.

     

    There is a new relationship being born, one where we are an active participant with this body.  If we can form new will power by slowly going in and out of the poses, if we can manifest new discipline, imagine where we can use this in our everyday life?

     

     I am beginning to see the powerful reactive live thing this body is, and how it responds to the attention I am giving it, it can’t help but be stronger if I am working on those muscle each day.

     

    My body and I are forming a new relationship, instead of me being lazy and expecting the body to go along and be healthy without me, I am slowly turning that boat around until I am leading the body.

     

    In my past, my neglect showed up in my body, except I saw it as the body’s fault, not mine.

     

    If my attention and great kindness allows this body to flourish, then so did my inactiveness allow it to crumple and be out of shape figuratively and physically; I am the common denominator in my health and in my sickness. 

     

    My awareness of this is huge, for without it I blame a body that can’t get fit without me bringing it to the mat, to the postures and beginning.

     

    I am the keeper of the gate; I open the door and close it.  For 48 days I opened the door and joined Bikram for 90 minutes.

     

    As long as I open the gate, life can change.

     

     

  • Will Power and Discipline Muscles!

    And then day 47 arrived…. Nothing really to report except there seems to be muscles working together and I feel stretched in places I never was stretch before.

     

    Balancing Stick now has core muscles and even hip muscles helping, I have never been this far before in this pose.

     

    On the floor in Cobra, I could feel the backs of my legs being stretched as I pushed them down to the floor to counterbalance the back muscles pulling my front up. 

     

    In Bikram’s Key on Cobra;

     

    “This is one of the most difficult postures to learn and to understand. So we need two keys here.  First, when you finish holding the arched position, don’t suddenly collapse back down to the floor.  Lower your head, neck and upper body slowly and smoothly, using the strength of your back and spine.  We never use any abrupt diving or jerking movements; that is how you injure yourself.  Controlling your movements this way also builds will power and discipline.

     

    Imagine that by just taking the time and effort to slowly undo the posture you will gain will power and discipline muscles!

     

     

  • I have just begun.

    Just two weeks to go in completing the 60-day challenge, and I am quite sure I am changing it to the 100-day challenge.

     

    Mary Jarvis says, “Day 60 -90, your body shape seems to suddenly change at an exponential rate, though you may not notice.  These are the days when you start to hear all the “Wow, you look great!  What are you doing?” comments.  These 30 days are usually your best 30 days.” 

     

    So I am thinking if I stop at 60, I will miss the best days of all, like walking out without dessert. 

     

    I will go along as far as I can, but my sights are now on 100.  In two weeks I will begin the best 30 days, I have just two weeks left to unravel and unknot emotional twists and things that have held me hostage.  And then my body should adjust and open and change quickly now that there isn’t anything inside holding it back.  I can’t wait to see what 100 days will do.  I will then take pictures again. 

     

    It will be interesting to see how much my body changes in 100 days of Bikram!

     

    Inside I am happy I am not done, or almost done, for I don’t look done or act done or feel done, I feel like I have just begun!

     

     

  • Present moment

    What is Love? 

     

    “I love you today” is what I began saying to my husband, for it seemed most true.  I didn’t know how long I would feel that way, and it seemed to presume too much to say forever.  It seems more real to say ‘today’.

     

    He agreed, for we had weathered so many changes and we understood that we had no idea what may come, but today…if we felt it, we said it, but only for today. 

     

    It left us free to be with Love to follow love, to be present with Love, no matter what Love said.  It was a feeling inside of us we had no control over, we could only voice what we felt.

     

    I honor that feeling and speak truthfully about its presence.

     

    Inside of me stirs feelings of Love for many things, people and places, sunsets and rises, colors, art, courage in others, in truth, so many things make my insides come alive in overwhelming present moment feelings, that is Love.

     

    Love at times is very raw, open, and unknowing, aware of many emotions, receiving them all in the truth that they bring; that Love is alive the Present moment .

     

    Happy Valentine’s Day!

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  • Shore of Memories

    “Life is like a taxi. The meter just keeps a-ticking whether you are getting somewhere or just standing still.” –

    Lou Erickson

     

    Life indeed will pass by whether you are in the middle of a 60-day yoga challenge or not, whether you are waiting to begin or beginning where you are, days continue to move.

    Even the day itself seems to go by, daylight, darkness, one breath, on pose, we simply can’t stop it; we can stop, but it doesn’t stop.

    That is why the 60-day challenge is such a challenge, like life, it doesn’t wait until you are ready, each day like a peaceful breath arises and falls.

    We join the day, we join the moment, we play in time, but we don’t rule time.  We ride time like a wave rushing towards the shore, and then it disappears and a new one arises. 

    We get up each day on a new wave of time.

    Our free will decides if we sit and stare or participate, either way we are on the wave of time.

    Some days we may kick and scream going against the wave, others we simply lay back and let it flow away.  The wave doesn’t care one iota what you do it just flows away.  That is what time does it is just being time.

    It is a rhythm you have to catch, a flow you have to dance upon, it is there for our benefit, the backdrop behind all things.

    As this day unfolds see how much you can do on this one wave, before it crashes to the shore of memories.

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