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I now know, that the silence (with my brother) happened after our conversations in regards to his life.  My opinions, words and sentiments, were stated in a way that he felt attacked and abused. It was both my delivery, my tone and the volume of words I used as well as what I was expressing myself about.  

He asked for space from my words of attack.

It was, and is, his personal life, so I will not go into details about what we were at odds with. 

My writing on my blog, about him doing a 360 was also seen as an attack on his spiritual journey. 

 

What I have learned is that we all view the world from our own vantage point. We see and hear things with our limited, and often traumatized, mind.  

I can see how my words and opinions can hurt.

I am responsible for my words.

I am not responsible for how they are taken in.

I am responsible for how I view the world and the people in it.

I have often been proven wrong, and stand corrected.  

I am also proven right, and more often than not, do not celebrate it.

 

In all interactions, there is more than one side.

Each of us gets to vote.

We view ourselves, and perceive how others view us – within our own emotional and mental states.

 

Words enter into the landscape of traumas, experiences, and history.

 

There are sacred wounds and hidden triggers.  Which makes engaging with folks with past traumas exceptionally tricky.

 

One of my mother's go to tools to show her anger was silence. There is no place to dialogue with silence. I only knew she was gravely upset.  Either with me or with someone else. More often than not, I came up with my own reasoning.  The thing that brought on the silence, was never talked about.  

I used this tool for many years, it was my passive aggressive way to show I was unhappy. I didn't have to use words or bring in my emotions or address my feelings.

I could leave them all deeply hidden and just remain silent.

My husband and children knew I was upset.

I shut them out.

 

I am sure these things became, my buttons. Things you don't say or do, because if you do, mom will give you the silent treatment.

 

What I eventually learned to do, was the opposite.

To sit in the upsetting emotions and feelings, to make myself vulnerable to more pain, by being open.

Open to being upset or disappointed in their actions towards me.

More often than not, it was my own misperception of what happened. OR, even more, none of my business.

 

My brother asked for space, which is silence.  And, I broke his asked for silence to inquire, after two years, if I had always been abusive to him, or just in the end.

This breach was also felt as aggressive behavior. I had not honored his request.

I believe he sees it as a healing modality for himself.  A place where he can protect himself from me, my words, my volume, my opinions, my attacks and be at peace.

 

However, in my experience with silence, it has never worked to heal anything. It just gets shoved aside, buried underneath other things that are upsetting.

 

In our last conversation, he was able to express where he felt attacked and how I was more or less an asshole.  

He mentioned me in his book's dedication.

The first line.

"….for helping me through the darkest periods of my life." And, I told him he should have added a semi-colon; then, she became an abusive asshole.

 

It makes most sense given our last 3 plus years.

I can understand why you shut out abuse. That for sure is in my wheel house.

Which is why I wanted to know if I had been abusive. For shutting out someone who is abusive makes sense to me. 

 

What I don't know, is can you be abusive without knowing you are abusive?

I know the times I was abusive, I felt I had the power over someone else, and misused that power. My children were the receivers of this most often. 

 

Can you abuse someone without being the one with the most power?

Did I have more power over my brother?

Were my words being used to gain power?

And, power over what?

 

He was and is a free agent. 

My greatest gift was to give everyone their power back. It freed them and Me.

I love not having power over anyone.

 

I would love to know if it is possible to be abusive without knowing it.

 

Do I have power over others and not know it?

I will have to sit with where my power is and how I use it.

In my relationship with my brother, did I have more power?

If so how?

More power in what areas?

As siblings, was my power being older?

Abuse is always about power.

I just can't see clearly how I wanted more power.

What is power?

"the capacity or ability to direct or influence the behavior of others or the course of events."

Capacity or Ability to Direct or influence the behavior of others.

Was I making him behave differently or directing the course of his life?

I had zero power over his behavior.

None.

Nor, do I want to be the driver in his life, then or now.

He is, and always was, on his own journey.

Just as I said, I gave everyone their power back.  Whether it was real or perceived in my mind. You are not my responsibility.

So, if this is the case, I was not abusive, for I had no power.

 

Then the next question is, can you feel abused, even if the other person has no power over you?

Is it possible that you have given them more power in your life?

That they were, and are, more responsible than you, in how your life turns out.

Can you make yourself a victim by putting someone else in the power seat?

 

In my life, the church and my mother had more power over than I did. Actually many others as well. It left me powerless.

When I took my power back, they no longer controlled my life.

They no longer had the capacity or ability to direct or influence my behavior or the course of events in my life.

I was driving my life for the first time at 46.

I had my power back.

 

That feeling is unlike any other, when you are, as Wayne Dyer said, "Beyond the good opinion of others."

If I had a gift to give to others, it would be to be empowered.

To be a sovereign person.

Which is why I am the opposite of being abusive. I don't want your power. I want you to have power in your life. I want you to feel the freedom that comes with being self governed. I want you to be your own guru.

I want others to feel self love and self empowerment, the joy and freedom to be themselves.

You are at your most powerful state when you need nothing.

In fact, it is said, that the one with the most power in any relationship is the one who cares the least.

The more you care about how others feel the less powerful you are.

In the end, I can't control how my brother now sees me.

It is within his power to see me in any way he does.

He is free to see me as an asshole.

I can see why you would say that.

You have the power to see me in any way you chose.

 

 

In talking to a friend, I was shown how we can't see what we can't see, even though we see it.

The definition of denial.

How we are actually responding and acting with a red flag, but perhaps can't see its color OR know what it is.

Hard to explain, how living in dysfunction, set me up to not see it.

How even the level of mental illness that ran through our family seemed just average. Well, perhaps a person with idiosyncrasies – just odd habits.

Or to label them unkind or selfish etc, and not realizing the very nature of their mental wellness IS the dysfunction.

Not being able to fully engage with your emotions and feelings allowing you to be not only kind to others, but to first love you.

 

In my family, I never remember there being a discussion about our mental well being. What would be better for us or what more, is wounding us.  Even who is unstable and why.

And secondly, we were not show self love. 

Based on this, how do you know what a mental illness looks like, if it was never called that? And, what do you know about loving yourself.

How can you discern these odd characteristics as being components to mental illness?

I lived in denial that I was in denial.

My brother and I used to cal this a double blind or sometimes we even had a triple.

I also think, we subjectively see the world through our own mental wellness.

We see as broad as our closed mind is open.

 

While I have written adnauseam about dysfunction, I wasn't seeing it clearly or perhaps from a far.

It is trying to find normal in an abnormal environment and not recognizing it is impossible.

Can a mental person see their own mentalness clearly?

Will your mental mind be a huge blockage to knowing this?

 

How can I see my own mental mind, with a mind that was raised in dysfunction, am I not handicapped to do so?

Who do we rely upon to tell us what is mental wellness?

Is there even such a thing?

 

What brings me love, joy and peace, may not bring someone else the same.

Being back with my family may bring my brother emotions, that are the opposite of mine, who can tell what is right for either of us?

Is there a neutral zone, where it is better for us to remain, compared to other relationships that cause us stress?

I can't know the deeper ideals of mental stability, but I can know what I tolerate or what brings me great stress.

My body is the barometer of what my mind can hold.

 

What is also weird to me, is that prior to my breakout from denial, I denied my feelings and my mind was at peace.  Peace, being it didn't really want to know the truth. My mind was okay having my body feel the stress and shut down.

Now, that my mind knows the truth, it and my body are in harmony.

The disconnect is now connected.

 

What I often fail to appreciate, is that there were many experiences coming from my family home, and we were not all raised the same, nor did we experience it the same.

What I call dysfunction is just normal.

Even above normal.

Where they can feel that their forgiving attitude and dropping the justified resentments, seems like love.

It is love to them.

Do we not all have our own definitions of love.

Yet, some love will have emotional and mental ramifications upon the human condition.

What I know for sure, is that my experiences is a unique and different experience.

My love of self requires me to act in ways others may find mental.

And, I may find mental how others live in their relationships.

 

Coming from denial I live in as much transparency as I can muster. I strive to see that which I can't see. I want to fully embrace the total picture as much as my mind can allow.

I feel most well being, when all things align.

When reality and my mind and body agree.

If one things is unsettled, I know there is something I am missing.

 

The biggest red flag in dysfunctional homes, is not seeing the red flags.

My childhood was littered with red and I was color blind.

Even my adult years there were flags leading back to abuse, and yet I was unaware.

 

I am grateful we are learning more and more about mental illnesses and perhaps to see we are all on the spectrum. That even in one day, we slip and slide on the scale of normal.

The bottom line, is a good life is one where you can live out loud your feelings, emotions and desires.  Where you are not pretending to pretend you are you. Living a facade of a life.