Tag: generations

• Keep Me Down

  As I did my yoga after work, a frivolous task I labeled it, since I opted to do this instead of a domestic chore or something of a higher priority, I just went ahead and took the liberties of time for my self without thinking too deeply…just quickly changed and started the CD, before a list of other things jostled this idea out of my head.

   

  Even calling it frivolous seemed odd, but yet right, that I was cheating responsibility and jumping into frivolous. 

  While in yoga I pondered this word and what it meant to me and how it was that I called doing something that was good for me frivolous. 

  The yoga that I do is very hard and requires my utmost attention, it is working very hard to restore my body to great health, and I called it frivolous. 

  It then came to me; it wasn’t the yoga that was frivolous, but the usage of time.  I was using time frivolously by taking care of myself. 

   I then felt deep sorrow at a girl who thought it frivolous to care for her self, to be with herself doing something that benefits her greatly, and she feels its frivolous.

   I looked up the meaning of frivolous to make sure that I had it right.

   

  1.                     not worth taking seriously: lacking in intellectual substance and not worth serious consideration.

   

  This is exactly the meaning I had in mind, I was not worth taking seriously or with serious consideration.

  I know that this has been my greatest negative pull that seems to be tied by a rope of great width, that keeps holding me down, a belief that is strung through each of my cells.

  I have claimed that my biggest hurdle is that I am too responsible, and yet what is more true, is that I am not worth taking seriously or using serious consideration.

  I take life and others needs very seriously, but my own are considered frivolous not serious.

  I felt pushed upon the mat by the sorrow of understanding, that it isn’t the things that are frivolous, but that I am not worth having them.

  My world is very short of frivolous, from the time I spend, to the items I pass by, for I can’t drum up a reason to bring them in.

  Flipping frivolous to serious has been a long six years struggle, to upend this belief and get me into serious consideration.

  Even though I have been serving me lots of time, big chunks in a day to be used for just me; from writing, to yoga, to art, and blogging, to unraveling my past.  I have been yanking and pulling on this ‘frivolous’ thread, kinda sorta believing it  was serious work, while not completely sold.

  The tables turned today, I can see that what I have been doing is putting my self on the list for serious consideration going against generations of voices that have been trying to keep me down.

   

  July 25, 2011

  Bikram, choice, frivolous, generations, goals, list, self, serious, women, Yoga

  ---

• Returns to being good.

  What a multifaceted catch 22 it is when society is asking that the children of abuse be the ones to stop it. To be the ones to name their perpetrator, to come out of their cages of captivity and walk freely with courage seems insurmountable.

  What it fails to realize is the condition of the conditioned mind and how it has programmed the child or the adult child to bow down to authority, to keep silent and suffer in silence.

  We have been taught by experiences to go it alone and to keep to ourselves our selves, to not expose or share the feelings part of us, but instead walk around with a veneer finish that covers our truths.

  We have lived mostly as the veneer and have not allowed the real self to peep through and now in order to stop the abuse we have to completely reverse this.

  The veneer has to fade to the back and what comes forth is all we have tried to keep hidden. We have to now present to the world the very thing that terrorized us.

  Imagine? We are the ones who stop the monster, we whose power they took, now have to come forward fearlessly.

  And yet, as odd as this seems, as backwards and as upside down, the very step in sharing your wounds is the very thing you need to begin building your strength and courage, it will help define who you are from the base of truth.

  To speak your truth of who you are and what happened to you, who you fear and why, are truthful utterances of your journey in life, your biography and pathology, what has made you you. You then are able to see and feel that IT isn’t you that is bad, but them. You are not the problem, they are.

  And, by having a veneer, also shows the lack of support and caring you had. It literally shows how untreated you are.

  If, you had to ‘hide’ your abuse, it shows that you lived in an abusive home. For if you lived in a loving caring home, the abuse would have been treated, you would have been lovingly cared for and nurtured and the Bad Man/Woman would have been put away as so not to harm another.

  When the bad man/woman is not put away, we are left to feel bad and actually are told to put away our wounds.

  What an odd show and tell it now requires in order to stop more generations, we have to show who the monster is and then our wounded self returns to being good.

  May 18, 2011

  abuse, authorities, childhood, exposing, generations, monsters, of, out, perpetrators, show, speaking, Tell, telling, truth, victims, wounded

  ---

• Help you be you.

  A letter of apology to my daughters, for I have taught you wrong, all my selfish pleadings to do well for me, as created within you a program, that is better to give than receive.

  To give up your attention on self and in return receive accolades of a job well done.

  To wear proudly the tag of people pleaser, to lower your boundaries bit by bit to take on more and more, until you are swimming in a life that is minus of you.

  I taught you to please me.
  I taught you to do for me.
  I taught you to think like me, dance for me, talk for me, and become a victim JUST like me.

  To let go of your own needs, to be the need pleaser of many, to be in a vacuum of Other inside of you.

  Where your first and only concern is Other.

  Helping other, feeling other, healing other, dealing other, pleasing other, loving other, seeing other, with only a teeny tiny smidgen of space, a speck that is truly just for you.

  By the time adult friendship and relationships are due to arrive, you have your role all mapped out, you will be drawn and have feelings for the deepest hurt, the most messiest, and jump in and begin to save, rescue and recreate a better life for them.

  I taught you to love the messiest, I taught you to love me. So, love for you is to find the lowest among us, the most selfish and the most wounded, and you will allow them to abuse you as I did.

  I didn’t let you be you, I needed you to help hold up me. For inside of me was nothing of self. You had to be my self.

  I never let your self be born, to let it flourish, prosper, life in its full light, instead I used you to also.

  I used you making you a victim to me.

  Unknowingly I needed you to fix me.

  The past six years I have spent fixing me, what I failed to notice is that the fixing I am doing, may not be enough to overflow on to you.

  You may have to fix yourself.

  To rescue a speck of self and slowly nurture it to bloom as you.

  I covered up that little bright self, each time I hollered in fear, when I needed you to look a certain way, act a certain way for you had to make me a better me.

  It was your job. I assigned it to you as a baby.

  All your accomplishments were to make me better.
  To shield the fact that within me lay nothing but a wounded victim, not a whole mom.

  I wasn’t a mom, I didn’t know how to be.
  I was victim posing as a mom.

  I used your little lives and little bodies to cover-up my deficiencies.

  And now, I fear that this is the only role you know.

  That you are destined to a life of serving Other and neglecting you.

  You all have served me well, and I am sickened by this and feel to the depth of my being, that the legacy that I was born in has its tentacles in you.

  And there is nothing now that I can do to make you shine bright inside of you. No amount of praise, love and attention will melt away the program set as a child.

  It will be up to each of you to reset your inside, to find the Spirit of self, to set up boundaries, to find a value of self, and I am setting you to this task with very little self.

  It can be done, and it has been done.

  I found a me inside of me buried deep waiting.

  She is who you now have as a mother, a reformed victimizer, and sadly she now has to sit and watch the affects of years spent being abused by me, play it self out.

  The legacy is hard to get out from beneath, and harder still to watch in real life continuing on slurping up another life.

  My greatest plea as I lay in tears on my yoga mat, was if this is my lesson, I got it. I got it, and please let my children get it too.

  The saddest day of my life is to see too much, to feel to much, to know the intricacies of the legacy, of living a soulless life, to see what I created.

  It is like I wanted puppets to please me, but the puppets are only set to please messy people, selfish people, mentally unbalanced people, and I can’t reset them to be puppets to self.

  To turn all those wonderful attributes and let them serve you.

  Love you.

  Feel you.

  Please you.

  All the love and attention I needed from you, I now need you to turn that back to you.

  Be the most wonderful caring loving trusting self to your self.

  I am sorry.

  I love you.

  Words mean nothing, actions speak loudly.
  You have witnessed myself in the past six years taking care of my self.

  I am here to help you be you.

  I pray it is not too late…can I be stronger than the legacy I planted?

  January 18, 2011

  abuse, created, generations, legacy, victims

  ---

• She is watching you always!

  As I have been pondering, tossing and turning around in my head, how it is possible that the 4^th generation is just beginning a relationship with the same pedophile, it occurred to me it was love and compassion that has kept this legacy going.

   

  I know it sounds nuts that such a kind sentiment can be the cause of this legacy continuing on, but it is.

   

  The third generation is just following the path of the second and the second of the first, the first being my mother.

   

  As my nephew goes to visit his grandpa, he is only doing what he has witnessed his mother do and his grandmother do since he was born.

   

  There is nothing unusual in his steps.

   

  His daughter will also watch and see how her father engages with this man and will follow his lead.  Her steps will echo his.

   

  There doesn’t need to be any words spoken, written or shouted to the moon, nope, just seeing how the adults in the room treat her great-grandfather is all she needs, she will mimic them all.

   

  Does it matter if her great-grandfather is on the sexual predator list, that he needs to be supervised around her, or that he has a long history of damaged little girls behind him?

   

  Nope, none of that information will stack up against the fact that her father is okay with this man, that her grandmother is fine having a relationship with him, and that is all that matters. 

   

  She will use them as her gauge, her monitor and her guide in what is acceptable in life and what is not.  She is being groomed to be comfortable with a pedophile, she is being taught not to fear him and she won’t.

   

  This one fact alone is what has allowed him to continue on, no one fears him they all love him.

   

  The ones that love him allow him access now, then and always, for they love without conditions.

   

  While most are looking at my father and his actions and watching diligently for him to make his move, no one is looking at the ones he is with.

   

  My mother was the first adult to know of his actions within our family tree, and her reaction were what we all followed to a tee.

  She never left him, had a consequence for his behavior within their relationship, she didn’t warn us of his disease, there were no outward signs in her behavior that would have sent us a signal, not one.

   

  Not once as far as my limited memory serves me did she ever act in fear of this man, not one time, never.

   

  What she instead always showed, was love, respect and normal petty complaints that two married people have, she never once suggested to me that his disease was ruining our lives, that it had ruined many, that the potential was there, that she feared for the safety of her girls, their girls and their girls, and their friends….

   

  Not once.

   

  Her actions have always been to love and support him, to show him compassion and caring, always.

   

  We only see actions, actions, actions.

  Words are meaningless unless and until an action follows.

   

  So as you tell me my fears are unfounded, that I have no reason to worry, I will tell you this.

   

  You are your mother’s daughter, you are doing exactly as she did and you will receive the same exact outcome.

   

  The legacy continues through you, your children and now your grandchildren.

   

  You are the one teaching them NOT to fear a pedophile, know it and own it.

   

  The little baby is without words but she is learning much already, she is watching you always!

   

  
  

  July 15, 2010

  baby, child abuse, compassion, Dysfunctional, generations, legacy, love, mimic, pedophiles

  ---