While dialoguing in the comment section on the Post, “Where Your Best Interest Lies” a few posts back, I am feeling like I am a reporter trying to get my story out and they are working like crazy Spin Doctors or the Public Relations Department of the FALC to prevent that from happening.
They are trying so hard to convince me it wasn’t their ‘faith’ or the church or its members or any of that religious stuff, and that my abuse stands alone, like a rogue virus.
I feel people are working so hard to spin my story off into this lonely little section called abuse where religion never touched it, blessed it or had ANY thing to do with my abuse.
There is abuse, AND there is religion and never shall the two touch each other.
It is sounding like a political debate where they want there to be two sides.
And I am here to tell you in my experience, Religion had a huge part in keeping abuse in my family home. It did not stay there on its own and without the knowledge of the church.
There is no way I can speak of my abuse without including the church.
In fact, if I had good faith in the forgiveness of sins, I could have had a normal dad.
If I had good faith in the power of the forgiveness of sins, the sins would be washed away never to be heard from again…
Maybe you all want to blame my weak faith on the fact that my father kept abusing little girls. For damn it IF only I could have believed more deeply he could be washed whiter than snow and not hurt one more little girl.
Do any of you know what it is like to call your childhood friends, now 40 years later and say, “I wish you would not have been my friend, for honey it cost you way too much.”
Have you?
Do you know that I recall one bright memory of me being on a huge white pole swing in our yard on a bright sunny summer day, and my dad came to me crying asking ME for a blessing. Why? What did he do to this young young little girl whose feet couldn’t even touch the ground. What??? I don't know if I did it properly…I was way too little.
Did I not bless him properly? Did I not believe it, IS that why he continued on molesting, raping and fondling little girls? Was my faith to weak in strength to erase it correctly?
Am I going to hell for being a bad blesser???
When you question my story, you are saying to me, that I am wrong. Tell me where I am wrong? Tell me, please and USE your name.
I believed in a father.
I believed in a mother.
I believed in the power of the forgiveness of sins.
I believed in order to be good, I had to bless bad people.
I believed wrong…
And did my ‘faith’ in the forgiveness of HIS sins spare one little girl? Did it? Can you put the blame on me? Did I bless him wrong???
Oh yeah my faith is weak now, it is actually nonexistent in the power of forgiving and blessing away the sins of the fathers.
Yes it is. I believe 100% that it does not work.
I am living breathing proof.
Where do you all believe these piles of sins are? Look behind you they walk with you everywhere. It is only in your mind, that you think they are gone.
Each and every action you have made is written down in the book of reality seen by God…nothing gets erased ever.
The only thing you can do is do better when you know better.
In the past, I was a good Christian and spoke of it not, not my feelings of terror towards my father, nor my deep down resentment towards my mother, I sucked in and asked to be blessed for being such a bad child to feel unloving toward her parents.
I kept trying to be a better child, never even stopping to see if I had parents I should be loving toward.
When my father’s name was spoken as being the one to molest my niece, I became a very bad child. I stood with the little girl and somehow I knew I was standing with me.
I stood in reality and refused to bless it away, like I even could.
This little girl isn’t going to be ‘unabused’ if I utter the magic phrase.
I am bad, a bad ass, and a bitter, cold, vengeful woman some say. I will be alone and lonely for saying what I say. I will be ridiculed and not believed…all the same things I felt as a child.
As a child I believed them, now as woman who is speaking her truth I do not.
I have faith in God and me.
I have faith in truth.
I have faith is using my real name.
I have faith in others who can reveal themselves to me.
The rest, I have no faith in.
For if you can’t say your name, you are not standing with me, you hiding like my father behind the front of being normal. Good people don't hide.
Only those in truth will say their name. This is my belief and this is my blog. If you feel differently you can blog yourself and have a great conversation and sharing anonymously.
Oh and one more thing.
Someone mentioned I lost the faith in God.
No honey, God has been with me all along.
He was the one who erased my memory of the event.
He kept me being a little girl with out such a horrific thing to remember. And did however keep my truth in my body, to keep me from going near the man who did such awful things to such a sweet innocent BELIEVING girl.
Your church doesn’t own God; he is not applauding your spinning my story to make it kind. He was there and he knew I would not have survived life living in that house with a visual memory, sadly I would have went insane. Only a child who didn’t know could support that family.
I didn’t know… and I put my faith in the folks who were spinning my life to be normal.
Now I am no longer fooled by the spins, I only see what is behind.
Only anonymous have reasons to spin.
