While reading in “Shattered Dreams” by Irene Spencer, I came upon a paragraph that struck a cord within me.
She is describing the polygamy Principle, which is commonly known by Principle.
“A teaching that was to have a grave impact on how I lived my life can be summed up quite simply as follows; People may fail the Principle, but the principle itself never fails.”
This is how many folks look upon religion, as seeing how the people fail IT, and not that IT fails the people.
She goes on to write, “My mother lived in a religious no-win situation. She was devoted to a tradition that defeated her.”
Imagine being devoted to something that defeats you?
What struck me as I pictured this girl watching her mother struggle with plural marriage, was in how she didn’t see her mother’s defeat, but wondered more about her own strength to endure…she never considered breaking the chain of polygamy.
My estrangement with my mother happened because I was determined to break the chain of mothering as she mothered. I believe each of us have either the strength to endure and continue on the chain or legacy….or the strength to break the chain.
And there are many women who feel empowered by holding up doctrines and belief systems, while they are defeated by them. What they see isn’t the lack of self, but rather the success of not allowing the belief to die.
I had said that my mother’s greatest strength, was her blindness. And now I understand that her blindness was of her self or what the cost had on her family to uphold the doctrine of the Forgiveness of Sins. That is the Principle of the FALC.
As Irene writes, “…when the children of the covenant lacked the courage to live polygamy for themselves, it was always the fault of the human weakness and sin, never a problem with the Principle.”
My mother never could see any fault with the church and would not hear a word that would go against her Principle Belief. We became invisible to her. Her main focus was always to be loyal to what I feel was helping to defeat her.
Putting her Faith in the Principle (forgiveness of sins) was always a higher need than her own childrens or her own. We came in second, always…and in doing so, it defeated our family from the git go.
We were born into a system where we came second from day one…and there was no way to move ahead, if anything we fell lower on the totem pole as the years went by.
It is very disheartening to see that in your mother’s eyes you stand behind the system that defeated her. And in order to get along with her, you too have to be defeated.
Defeated I left my relationship with her, for she couldn’t see how damaging she was to herself, to our family and to me.
Her beliefs destroyed everything…while holding high her faith in the Principle. The Principle won, always.
Tag: FALC
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The Principle Won, always.
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Feeling the Unbounded Heart.
In Martha Beck's book, "Leaving the Saints" she writes,
" I recall its horror and beauty, the enormity of the things I have lost and the incalculable preciousness of the things I have gained. I wouldn't give up the journey – not a moment of it. On the other hand I have no desire to live it again."
My journey from not knowing to knowing has equal parts horror and beauty, for it seemed with each new glimpse into the vestiges of evil sprang a new wondrous insight and freedom…
The dichotomy of the polar opposites and how you are plunged into the horrors that you failed to see and or acknowledge to your self, and then the beautiful release from them into the wide-open space of freedom leaves me breathless.
We somehow believe if we sit smack dab in the middle of the horrors of our lives, we will get left there, that you will sink as if in quick sand, but that isn’t so.
If you don’t go into what frightens and scares you, you will live in the space between.
No terror and then no beauty.
You are in the middle land, the purgatory space, neither heaven nor hell…
When you leave the comfortable space of no feelings and dare to walk fearlessly into the emotions and truths you were too frightened to see as a child, it feels alive, electric and the enormity of it all leaves you overwhelmed.
Fear keeps us out of those dark corridors where our unexpressed, unexamined life lives. And by leaving that door closed you live a life that isn’t alive…in its truest sense.
You are forced to live without feelings and free expressions.
Martha is so right…for I too recall the horror and the beauty, the enormity of the things I have lost and the incalculable preciousness of the things I have gained.
You truly lose the world as you have known it, but you gain a self you have never met.
I lived in this the middle ground for 46 years, where fear kept me motionless, frozen and lifeless. I followed life, but I did not live it freely.
I never wavered from the path of least resistance, I had no individual thoughts and I was not connected to my body and its feelings.
The middle ground certainly will not allow you to see the horrors, but it also keeps from you the intimate beauty of love and freedom.
Stretched into the zone of nothingness…but keeping the static going so you never dip into the terror that lurk at the sidelines of your life… your life’s goal is to remain numb.
You are frozen in place and have no conditions.
No rules of your own, in fact I see this as being a lump, where the dark murky waters can wash over you and you feel not its affect, nor do you try and get out of the way…and sun is shining just above the surface, but you make no move to reach toward it.
It is living and letting all manner of things happen and you don’t move…and the delights of life await and you are unable to reach.
Waking up in this state left me horrified of what I had allowed and how I had not been aware…and as Martha writes about the Lion stage of awakening.
“When we have discovered the hearts capacity to face any situation, the joys and sorrows of existence as they are, we awaken to freedom. Then the Golden Lion speaks with a roar. Out of the mouth of the lion comes the undaunted voice of truth, the liberation of the unbounded heart.”
It is the liberation of the unbounded heart…whereas before it was wrapped up like a mummy unfeeling anything.
And she goes on to say about the third stage of awakening, “In the last stage the lion gives way to the child, to an original innocence. This is the child of the Spirit for who all things are new. For this Divine child there is wonder, ease and a playful heart. The child is at home in reality of the present, able to enjoy, to respond, to forgive, and to share the blessings of being alive.”
(I best give you the first stage as well…”In the camel stage of awakening, we make ourselves available to the Spirit through humility, prayer, repetition, and manual labor)
The first stage was where I spent most of my life, ‘repetition and manual labor…not so much humility or prayer.
The tumultuous unwrapping of going from living life bound up in the beliefs and thoughts and affects of abuse etc, to undoing it all is extremely horrifying and beautiful in equal parts.
Isn’t there a saying from the bible, about ‘what is bound on earth is bound in heaven…? I believe that it is talking about the heart.
There is truly an incalculable preciousness of feeling the unbounded heart.
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Sooner or Later
I had made a comment that sounds like an oxymoron, “Prisoners of Faith”.
The two don’t seem to mix, and churches seem a far cry from prisons, but in my experience, if you are not free to live, you are in a prison of your mind…and even deeper, in your subconscious beliefs.
What most fail to consider is that the way religion is oftentimes presented is with the Fear of God, not with the Love of God.
They frame the confines of religion with fear.
Fear of dying and going to Hell.
Fear of a Judging God.
Fear of the Un-Believers.
We were held together by what we feared, not by what we loved. Fear kept us there, not love.
And still today, millions are prisoners of their ‘Faith’.
In listening to The 19th Wife, fear is the common denominator in what stops you from straying, from going out beyond the confines of your ‘Faith’.
Fear.
Fear is the main ingredient of religion.
Fear that if you don’t obey you will not make it to heaven one day. They live in hell today for a promised Heaven.
Women having a dozen of babies out of fear.
Raised in an environment where fear is the main motivation, you can’t learn how to govern your own life based upon love.
Love is freedom. You fear freedom.
The way the church rules is not based upon love and certainly not with freedom to the masses. The main figurehead or Prophet needs to control and in order to gain control he uses fear.
If he didn’t fear losing control, he would not have any rules.
Rules are only for those who fear losing control.
No one calls these fear-based religions. But clearly they are not based upon love and freedom to be and express and to live.
Prisoners of faith…living in fear, without control of their own lives, sentenced to eternity in hell if they don’t submit to the rules of the Prophet.
The Prophet or the seer of the future is stealing them blind by controlling their lives today.
And they didn’t even see it happen, they lost control of their worlds today, by worrying about what will happen after they die. “Let me have your life…or when you die you will suffer greatly.”
Convincing you that suffering for God today will ensure you a spot in Heaven when you die. Bear this cross today…
Either they rule you by fear of hell or convince you that suffering will bring you to Heaven someday. Either way, today, right now, you have no control or freedom. You are damned no matter which way you turn.
Free today only to die and go to hell.
Live in Hell today for a promised Heaven.
Either way you get hell, it just depends either living or dead.
Guess you’re a prisoner of hell sooner or later.
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Walks with me in the Dark
While I was away on a long weekend getaway with my husband, a few comments appeared and a few emails, to the last few posts.
Here is the deal. I am only writing about my experience with the people of the FALC, certainly it is not all, but all I knew and each who knew acted the same. It was like a perfect orchestrated synchronized walk.
They scored a near perfect ten for keeping in line.
What I write is my experience and the folks I am writing about are all of the same religion. They are the ones acting weirdly.
Here is the other thing, I did have friends (outside of the church) who after reading it in the paper did come up and respond completely the opposite. They did not turn away, but came towards me.
I can’t help if the poorly acting folks, all happen to be of the same faith, but they are.
And here is another thing, IF what I write fits you, wear it…if not please let it lie.
I am only here reporting things as I encountered them along my journey. I have yet to meet a full fledge First Apostolic Member who reacted like the folks outside of the church.
The drastic contrast stands alone…and it isn’t that I am just picking on my friends and acquaintances of that church, but they happen to be outstanding in their consistent response.
Folks who were not from the inside of the church responded in various ways, listening, hugging, crying, talking in depth, sharing their experiences, and a few cards.
What I am mostly shocked about and have separated and explored are the reasons why those who knew me from inside the church turned away.
They knew me since I was little, we had long history, and they too knew my father and his long history, and yet I immediately became a stranger.
I didn’t expect folks who didn’t know me on the inside of the church to do anything…
We expect more from the folks who know us, than we expect from strangers no matter what their religion.
We have a belief somewhere inside of us about the folks we know, that when the shit hits the fan…they will stand with us. And I am reporting this odd behavior, like birds all swerving in the same direction, without verbal warning, just an instinctive reaction…adversely to a tragedy.
Okay, yes…the one phone call reminding me to forgive my father, that it was my job, and that the size of the sin should have no bearings on my task at hand…
So, I am writing about MY experience with Folks I knew who happened to be members of the same religion and how they happened to respond the same way…This is my experience of the FALC.
And, if it fits wear it and explain to me why, and if it doesn’t use my experience as a reminder the next time you hear of the same kind of tragedy.
And know, the more severe the tragedy, the more the need to step up, step in, bring it up, pat their back, give a hug, send a card, make that difficult phone call. Be a friend in the dark times…
As you stand back, they walk alone in their darkest days.
And you are sending a message as you turn and walk away…
Silent is a message.
I heard your silent message loud and clear.
You were a fair weather friend, a surface polite kind, a wave in the good times, a social niceties, a loose bond of similarities of faith, but when the chips were down and the lights went out in my world, the familiar hands were gone.
What this made me do was to reach out into new areas and reach towards to new friends…and it also gave me great insights into friendships, relationships and how you measure friends more fully in the dark than you do in the light days.
It is easy to be friends with folks in the good times, but I now know my friends by who walks with me in the dark.
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The opposite of what it looks like.
What I am continually shocked with is what lies beneath the ‘good’ Christian folks from the FALC. How on the surface there remains a veneer of smooth carefully constructed Norman Rockwell painting and underneath lies the drawings of an insane mind.
The juxtaposition between the two always catches me in the gut when they attack what is written by those of us who have left, their viper tongues never cease to amaze me.
The words and energies strike such a contrast to the ‘clean’ lifestyle that is presented to the world.
Reminding me of the “Gates of Heaven” cult whose compound is in Texas. The women in the ‘old time’ dress, the lack of anything ‘worldly’ and yet the men are marrying girls of 12.
It isn’t that I set out to uncover or discover that beneath the cover of nice clean living lies the devils playground, but I did.
And each time a member comes in and makes comments to one of the blogs, it sadly affirms who they truly are.
Just as you can’t judge a book by its cover…so is it with the FALC.
It isn’t how they dress or what they refrain from, but rather what lies within each person. Their content is how they treat other folks who are not from church, or those of us who have left.
The first public outing I had to make after my father’s Criminal Sexual Assault became public, (only to the church members) I had wondered what I would say to them, how I would be able to talk about it when they stepped forth.
Well it was all for naught. For when I arrived at the school, the first person I saw who was from church turned away. And so did the half a dozen or so more.
NOT one came up to me. Where as in the past, we had a few social small chitchats, a smile and passing comments…but when my tragedy struck I became as a stranger.
Their response to me added shame to my already fragile state…my abuse was to ugly to approach.
They were unwilling to help me carry this burden of being abuse.
I had one phone call from a Christian Sister and said was, “Remember, there is no sin to great to forgive…” Meaning my father. Her main concern was him.
And that is the way they have continued forth…defending Him and ignoring me…or the bold ones will attack me.
I have been left alone to carry my burden of abuse…and what I know to be true, this is exactly how they treat the children, the children are ignored and their main concern will be about the adult who did them harm.
I am not telling lies out of school, but I am saying how I was treated…it is what it is. I have experienced what lies beneath the clean Norman Rockwell painting…is the opposite of what it looks like.
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Eyes of a Child
While mowing the grass last night it came to me that the attacking and jousting for position isn’t about whether there is abuse or not abuse, what was right or wrong, or even the way it is treated or not treated, but rather a more subtle yet ferocious component, it is the fear of no love.
I have mistaken this for the strength of love, but it is actually velocity of fear.
Many of the old Masters and wise teachers have all alluded to this; you get to live your life based on fear or on love.
What we are experiencing is as old as time, the two energies showing their true natures, two sides meeting and clashing, the polar opposites opposing each other.
Fear is False Events Appearing Real, so what we really have is the battle between the truth and what is not the truth.
Don Miguel Ruiz writes, “You know, most people around the world believe that there is a great conflict in the Universe, a conflict of good and evil. Well, that is not true. It’s true that there is a conflict, but the conflict only exists in the human mind, not in the Universe. It’s not true for the plants or the animals. It’s not true for the stars and the trees, or for the rest of nature. It’s only true for humans. And the conflict in the human mind is not between good and evil. The real conflict in our mind is between the truth and what is not the truth, between the truth and lies. Good and evil are just the result of that conflict. The result of believing in the truth is goodness, love, happiness. When you live your life in truth, you feel good, and your life is wonderful. The result in believing lies creates what you call evil; it creates fanaticism. Believing in lies creates all of the injustices, all of the violence and abuse, all of the suffering, not only in society but also in the individual. The Universe is as simple as it is or it is not, but humans complicate everything.” Don Miguel Ruiz
Life is really this simple, it is or it is not.
What we are arguing about is what is or what is not.
Who is or who is not.
It isn’t complicated or deep and children do this well.
Don Miguel writes, “"As little children, we are completely authentic. We never pretend to be what we are not. Our tendency is to play and explore, to live in the moment, to enjoy life. Nobody teaches us to be that way; we are born that way. This is our true nature before we learn to speak."
This is what I believe Jesus meant by believing like little children; to be in the truth, to walk with the truth, to see the truth, to be authentic.
Read more from Don Miguel on this subject in Carl’s blog,
www.messyguru.typepad.com Titled, "Being Effortless."
What Don Miguel stated, “The result in believing lies creates what you call evil; it creates fanaticism.” Fanaticism is the key component that makes up cults or extreme religions; they are not based on extreme love.
Fanatics are extremists, and from my experience of the FALC they all believe in lies… Lies, which create evil.
The lies I am speaking most generally about is, that they believe they can wash away reality and that it will no longer exist, and that is one major lie.
The mother of all lies that follow.
They have complete faith in something that isn’t real, their faith and trust is placed fear.
And this act alone creates the fanatical responses, the evil energies we feel attacking us. We do not feel the energies of love, but the biting words of fear.
And sometimes after they bite us, they come back with ‘love’ words; they try hiding their fear with kind words, for even their own evil scares them.
What I hadn’t considered or understood was the level or degree of evil and lies they had faith in, and how frightened or terrified they are to have it disclosed and revealed…
However, I recall vividly the moment all my true lies collapsed, when all I had faith in evaporated and the terror it left me standing in…and yet in the exact same moment when my world collapsed a grand new one was born, the world of truth.
And I truly became like a child again. I didn’t hear what people were saying, but I watched their actions. Words became meaningless, actions was the true path I followed.
This world of truth became a spectacular landscape which was very easy to walk in, it was steady and never changing, and there was nothing I had to learn, do or believe in, it was all there in front of me.
I gave up all past beliefs and thoughts, and simply walked in life with eyes of a child.
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A Pattern without Abuse.
“Two wrongs don’t make it right…” came to mind yesterday and I can see clearly how a child gets so lost after being abused, how the negative energies keep piling up.
‘Good’ folks who are unaware of what their actions are saying to the child make matters worse and don’t even know it, know it. They just are doing what their parents did unquestioning.
The cycle repeats itself, by each generations same behavior.
Yesterday while listening to a novel on CD, a sentence was spoken with awe, “She sure is her mother’s daughter…” and I thought sadly I am not, and felt sad pride.
It was bittersweet to know that I didn’t have a mother who acted like me, that I have forged this new behavior alone without a pattern to follow.
Not only no pattern, but I created this with no support from my family of origin…
The patterns of abuse were not followed by m me, nor did I act according to family’s wishes, instead I did the complete opposite and it has brought me much disdain.
Here is how I built a new pattern, I responded negatively to the abusers and I did what was positive for me.
This wasn’t a preconceived agenda, but rather an instinctual deep inside calling.
I was not a child at the time of being aware of my abuse, but I still mothered myself.
I was the mother and I was the wounded child.
In each situation I would ask myself what would be best for the abused little girl inside of me, and each time I would then respond that way, paying no heed to the ramifications that decision would cause to the folks around me.
My little girl inside was my number one focus and I never, not once did something that I felt would cause her more harm.
While it seems counterintuitive, stepping away from my father and mother was the best thing for my little girl.
Neither had taken good care of her.
Once I learned to step aside from those who hurt me; that was my pattern.
I step away from folks who hurt me.
It is plain, it is simple and it has had a positive change for me.
It matters not to me what their title is, all that mattered was how I felt in their presence and if it didn’t feel safe, warm, loving, joyful, then I would make my move.
My inner wellness had to matter more than anything in the world. It became my compass. Like a very very stubborn child, even a bullhead, I continued with this new pattern.
If it hurts or feels bad, I move away.
If it requires me to overlook or look around their negative behaviors, I move away.
If they are not accountable for their own actions, I move away.
If it gives them more power and leaves me powerless, I move away.
If they belittle and make snide remarks about my needs, I move away.
If they holler and scream I am insane, crazy, not well, I move away.
I have been given the luxury and freedom that most abused children do not have. I am an adult with a voice and a choice. I can support myself…I don’t’ have to put my survival in the hands of those who hurt me.
Children of abuse are not given this new pattern to follow, in fact they are ‘forced’ to do the opposite of what I have done.
They are made to succumb and return to ‘normal’ to get back in line of the family pattern, most often in order to survive. They are not self supporting.
How their abuse affects the family shows the pattern from generations before.
If a child’s abuse doesn’t shatter the family…it is the normal pattern and the way things are in this particular family tree.
If the child’s welfare isn’t put at the top of the list, the family’s pattern most likely is that the children’s needs are last, EVEN if the child has been abused. They will do what feels best or fits best in the family pattern.
It seems preposterous, but this I have witness first hand. I seen my father’s case through the eyes of the wounded child, and what I saw was all positive for my father and very negative for me.
Little by little I watched how my mother and siblings acted and how they responded, and who they took care of, spoke for and who they argued for, while I watched my father do nothing.
He didn’t take one teeny tiny move that showed he felt remorse or that he wanted to get out from under his disease…he didn’t have to lift a finger; all were doing the heavy lifting for him.
I watched and I witnessed this all with the eyes of the wounded child.
I kept my view as a wounded child, not as a daughter or sister…
I saw the family pattern being played out perfectly. I witnessed how this abuse continues on.
The only way childhood sexual abuse can continue on is with the consent and knowledge of the adults or heads of households.
Children depend on the adults for survival, cannot sway the family tree to act differently, their very food and shelter depend upon it.
I acted against the pattern and look at where I am sitting.
Alone in my own home… I am free of those who abused me.
A child doesn’t have this luxury, they are held captive until they can support themselves.
They are subjected to years and years of abuse and live a few feet away from themselves, trying to survive they have to be disconnected…
The sad part is, most are not able to reconnect.
They have learned to be this untreated abused person.
Learned to survive by blocking out their feelings, separating themselves from themselves. Living as a person that isn’t who they are.
I am not certain why I had the privilege to reconnect to my self, to walk with my wounded girl until we walked free. But I have and I have carved out a new pattern…a pattern without abuse.
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I took my life back, by walking away.
On my last blog, I received a comment and a line struck me that I want to share.
“It was an error to not stand in front of your house and scream or picket or whatever else until your dad admitted it.”
What I feel most families believe is that it is their job to be the law, that they had to have an admittance of guilt in order to go to the police.
It does seem absurd, but I am sure that most people don’t want to get the police involved unless they are sure. And that means him admitting it. Since they have the one side, the little girls side, they are expecting to have a complete picture and they need his co-operation.
This sentiment needs to be changed. It is not our job to get the admittance of guilt from the perpetrator, that is the job of the police. It is your job to press charges, to stand with your daughter/son and walk through the court process.
What I can only surmise, is that the realness of it all would come front and center and your lives would change if you pressed charges.
And from what I am hearing your lives did change, were forced to change and deal with a girl who now needed therapy, couldn’t stay in reality, etc.
I get it, I understand completely.
It seems you are either going to deal with the abuse one way or another.
I believe to the bottom of my soul, that IF adults in the lives of the abused children would believe them and support them and press charges and face this full on, there would be little residual negative results.
The NEGATIVE results come from NEGATIVE actions.
I wish I could imprint this upon the eyelids of parents.
It isn’t the abuse that is so damaging, it is the negative results of the non abusing adults around us.
While the commenter speaks of how broken hearted the minister was upon learning of his own daughters abuse, his failure to respond positively greatly affected MANY girls.
Just in my time frame alone, three girls were affected. And what I know is that he was summons time and time again.
His negative reaction resulted in mental breakdowns.
It isn’t the abuse alone. I am sorry to say. My father’s abuse was the first punch. The second and more fatal blows are the negative responses.
Being treated negatively after is so damaging and you have confirmed this by your comment.
The positive response is extremely hard to do. But the results are completely the opposite of the negative ones.
The positive response is to step away from your father, cut all ties.
The positive response is to step away from anyone who supports him by not moving away.
The positive response is to put up boundaries against family members to isolate your self from any contact with this abuse.
I have done the positive thing and I am standing outside of my family with one brother.
Doing the positive thing is the path of most resistance.
It is a very hard road, but it carries the most gifts along the way. While I am hearing that living with the negative results is horrible, I am here to tell you while it seems extremely mean, THAT is the easier way.
That it is easier to deal with the negative results than it is to stop the world and go in a completely different direction.
We can dialogue this out.
But I feel…negative response will give you a negative result.
The same goes for positive….
I took the road less traveled and I have not regretted a moment of it. I took my life back, by walking away.
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Back to the Lake of Innocence.
The previous post’s pictures articulate the changes, and how in fact the little girl continues to look the same, but now feels like that dirty lake resides inside of her, by the actions done to her and the lack of response.
Prior to abuse entering into her world, her world is like Lake Superior on a beautiful summer day, calm, peaceful, relaxing, clean, fresh, beautiful, loving, kind, innocent…
And then….
(Recounting from the file)
“He was always very nice, showing interest in me… he casually pulled me on his lap, real friendly like, a real laid back guy…but very strong…he would pull me onto his lap, he forcefully pulled me on his lap and then take my hand, held my hand, and place it over his erect penis that would be out of his long johns…if she tried to pull it away, he would very firmly put it back, rubbing his penis, while Ray would be doing this, other people would be in the room, including his wife. The same scenario happened, over and over again…” Little girl voices…
After abuse the world changes color, it is now darker, scarier and monsters lurk in kitchens and living rooms…friendly laid back guys can transform into monsters and then back again. No one seems to see the monster you are experiencing… It becomes this fluid ever changing landscape.
And from the file, each girl spoke of my father’s transformation, of going from nice laid back neighbor man to a forcible pedophile. The juxtaposition.
What is missing is the transformation of the other adults.
The wife, neighbors and minister continued on as normal.
What is horrific is that they don’t become unglued…and transform into raging indignant people reeling about the injustice of such treatment of the innocent.
We are left with double transformations.
We wait to see our loving caring parent transform into rage at our abuse…and it doesn’t happen.
So we then, watch or feel inside the disappearing love, trust and faith.
It transforms from loving and caring, to caring less.
Our world now holds people who are not who they say they are, there are flipping images and we can’t trust what we see anymore.
The truth is, there is no truth.
This is the awful state to be in, where you can’t trust the kind face of my father for lurking in the background is forcible contact with his penis.
Double images.
You can’t trust your mother’s high morals and values for when it comes to the real tough things in life, she is unable to stand tall, to come out swinging for you.
She proclaims strong and comes out weak.
She turns a blind eye towards your abuser, which translates to us, a blind eye on our abuse our wounds…
If you don’t value your children, you don’t value anything.
And when you don’t value the children, the children can’t value themselves. They literally see themselves in your eyes.
What I saw in my parent’s eyes is the Lake of Sins…their sins. I seen me through their eyes of sins…believing those eyes were talking about me, instead they were showing me who they were, and it had nothing to do with me.
Their value became my value…they can’t make me precious and valuable…without it being within them first.
“you can’t give what you don’t have…” seems like a lofty bit of wisdom the therapy world imparts, but I know form experience this is true.
When I discovered my own innocence, I could then see my children with eyes of innocence…but first I had to see the abuse my parents gave to me. I couldn’t hold them innocent, for when I did I was the problem.
And what I know for sure is the girls; the little children who are forced to perform sexual acts are never the problem. Not now, not ever.
Until I held my father accountable, my innocence was not mine.
This is very very tough for a child to do, for we want at all cost to keep a loving parent, a strong caring forceful in love parent, but instead we get parents who become strong in abuse and weak in love.
Even at my old age, I still wanted to have a strong generation before me, I didn’t want to be stronger than the top, I wanted a soft place to fall, someone to rely upon, a warm embrace, a shelter from life storms…
My healing and dealing and bearing the brunt of all ridicule and disdain is giving my children the parent I sought.
I have to withstand all the storms that have been leveled at me to show my children and I how strong I am, that no matter who abuses…I can stand tough.
I have stood against my father, my mother and all siblings who have openly and willingly supported and cared for them. I have let family go for the sake of my own little girl inside and in doing so have secured an environment for my own children.
I have transformed multiple times…innocent to abuse, to innocent again, from strong to weak and weak to strong, from loving to fear and fear to loving, from me to not me to back to me again.
Back to the Lake of Innocence…
I M Perfect lady 