In the past two and a half months, my yoga practice has been very spotty, it has boiled down to two times a week, and I am now understanding the sentiment of caring for your self or more importantly what it feels like again, to not care.
Without care or interest, to be indifferent to the bodies needs. To feel myself almost going to sleep or in a daze and be too tired to begin.
What we fail to notice is that when we are too tired to do something, we are actually playing to indifference; we are feeding the lack of care.
It finally came to me what I have been doing, I have been leaving myself alone.
Leaving the care of my body, walking away from what it needs and just sitting down.
I could feel the waves of indifference, what I used to call being lazy, with no umph is actually the expression of indifference.
You become indifferent to what it needs for its optimum health.
What I find so intriguing is that when my daughter’s abuse came in and I experienced posttraumatic symptoms, I left my self-care.
It is strange that when our body needs us the most we are the farthest away.
It wasn’t that I was disconnected from the stress and wasn’t dealing with life, but what I failed to do was treat my body, to care for its needs.
As I did yoga yesterday I was surprised that my body still remembered the poses, that it did it’s best with stiff and sore muscles, and that it tried to keep up to what I was asking of it, and I felt its struggle for it wasn’t used to this routine.
The body’s forgiveness is pure nature; it simply follows where we lead.
(What I know for sure today, is that by not doing yoga I am feeding indifference. So when I sit and feel unable to get up and do my yoga, I know to whom I am dancing with, what music I am hearing, I am hearing the beating of the drum being led away from me.)
